So I've never written any kind of fan fiction before because it's just not something I can see myself doing well, but like so many people here, I was very disappointed by the TNG cast's appearance on Family Guy. I was so disappointed that it inspired me to come up with some of my own ideas about how the cast could have been better utilized. I didn't think this through enough to write an entire script and story, but I did come up with a few scenes and gags that I think would have been a lot better than what we actually got.
I kept the basic premise of starting out the episode with the Family Guy cast going to a Star Trek convention, but I'm not sure where things would go from there. I think Stewie could still capture some of the cast, but it would be better if they were split up (eliminating the Brian/Meg B-story and having the whole episode being about different members of the family interacting with different members of the cast at the same time, instead of just Stewie). Another idea I had that I couldn't find a place for in my skeleton of a script was Stewie trying to torture Wil Wheaton for information by trying to stick eel-like slugs in his ears, and then the slugs crawling into his pants instead and killing him before Stewie could get his information. That way, there could be a reference to both "Star Trek II" and "Stand By Me".
While many of the jokes may fall flat, I hope a few are at least good for a chuckle. Unlike the actual episode (and taking a bit of inspiration from the Futurama Star Trek episode), I threw in some blatant references to the series and the movie franchise (but only one TNG movie, because I didn't like most of them). I tried to make this is a lot more true to the spirit of classic Family Guy and more generous to the TNG cast than the actual Family Guy/TNG crossover was. If anyone wants to make suggestions on what they would have added to the episode, I'd be happy to hear them, as well as any comments and feedback anyone might have about what I've written. Enjoy!
[The "Star Trek: The Next Generation" cast is taking answers from fans at the Star Trek convention]
Peter: In that episode where you had sex with the guy who was really a worm...uh...how big was the worm's penis?
Gates McFadden: He wasn't a worm, he was a man with a worm inside him.
Peter: Oh, I see how it is. [narrows his eyes and smiles] You like that, huh? Does that mean if I drank this tequila with a worm in it, you would...
Lois [snapping at him]: Peter!
Chris: I have a question...did being in Star Trek help you get girls?
Brent Spiner: As Data would say..."affirmative."
[The cast laughs]
[Cutaway: Brent is in bed in Data make-up, a woman is standing in front of him about to take off her nightgown and looking nervous]
Woman: I don't know if we should do this. I don't want you to brag to your friends about me....
Brent [in Data voice]: I have no vanity. I am an android.
Woman: Okay, then.
[Data makes his "Naked Now" goofy grin]
[Tasha walks into the bedroom and angrily throws a champagne bottle at him]
Denise Crosby: You bastard!
[Wil Wheaton and Denise Crosby are walking to the convention]
Denise Crosby: That's the last time I let you take directions. Do you know how late we are?
Wil Wheaton: Remember how your character got killed by a big tar monster? I bet she wouldn't have been killed if my character was there to save her!
Denise Crosby: How original.
[Michael Dorn is standing in front of a banner that says "Klingon cooking with Michael Dorn". There is a table with food on it in front of him. Many fans are crowded around him.]
Michael Dorn: Now the most famous Klingon dish is called Gagh, but what most people don't know is that this dish isn't entirely fictional. I actually learned how to prepare it while working on the show, and now I'm going to teach all of you how to prepare it as well.
[He begins mixing ingredients]
Star Trek fan: What's that?
Michael Dorn: That is a secret KLINGON ingredient!
[Brent Spiner walks by]
Brent Spiner: No it's not, it's pepper!
[Dorn looks at Spiner, then narrows his eyes spitefully]
Michael Dorn: If you were any other man, I would KILL you where you stand!
[Marina Sirtis is sitting at a table in front of a banner that says, "Get counselled by counsellor Troi". There is a couch and chair next to the table.]
Meg: Oh boy! Free counselling!
[She runs and sits on the couch. Marina smiles and gets up from the chair she was sitting in. She sits on the chair next to the couch].
Marina: What's your name?
Meg: I'm Meg.
Marina: All right, and how can I help you, Meg?
Meg: Okay, where to start, well first of all my family doesn't show me any respect! My brother is always picking on me and my parents never do anything! My father always ignores me and my mom never sticks up for me and our dog argues with me all the time! What should I do?
Marina: I see. I sense a lot of hostility towards your family. How do you FEEL about them?
Stewie [looking on]: Ugh, this is the most pathetic excuse for counselling that I have ever seen. [Thinks for a second]. Correction, second most pathetic.
[Cutaway to Stewie on The Dr. Phil Show]
Dr Phil: Stewie, I think the only way you're going to overcome your anger issues is for you to make peace with your mother.
Stewie: Yes, and I think the only way I'm going to overcome my anger issues is for you to BURN IN HELL! [blasts and kills Dr. Phil with his ray gun]
[Patrick Stewart, Jonathan Frakes, Wil Wheaton, and Gates McFadden are sitting at a table signing autographs. The boy at the front of the line is talking to Patrick Stewart]
Boy: You were great in the X-Men movies! I loved Professor X.
Patrick Stewart: Why, thank you, young man. I quite enjoyed playing that part, actually.
Wil Wheaton: You know they never would have killed Professor X if my character was there to save him!
Patrick Stewart [yelling]: DAMN YOU! Get away from my table!
[He punches Wil Wheaton, who falls out of his seat. Jonathan Frakes looks down at him casually, then continues looking straight ahead]
Boy [looking at Jonathan Frakes]: Who the hell did you play?
Jonathan Frakes [looks around nervously, then notices some plastic knives on the table and sticks them between his knuckles]: I was...uh...Wolverine! Grrr! Raaar! [Swings his arms around, clawing at the air with his knives].
Boy: No you weren't!
Gates McFadden [covered in blue paint with her hair slicked back, she looks at Frakes with boredom]: I already tried that. Forget it, it doesn't work.
Jonathan Frakes [looks down at the ground shamefully]: Awww.
Gates McFadden: You know, Jonathan, you're looking pretty scruffy. It wouldn't have killed you to shave before coming here.
Jonathan Frakes: Maybe you're right. What do you think, Patrick?
Patrick Stewart: Make it so, Number one!
[Jonathan Frakes smiles, gets up and walks away]
Peter: Hehehehe...hey Lois, he just called him pee.
[Peter sees Levar Burton walking around]
Peter: Oh my god, Geordi is walking around without his VISOR!
Brian: Peter, I don't think he's actually blind.
Peter [looking at him spitefully]: What the hell do you know, Brian? You don't even watch "Star Trek: The Next Generation"!
Chris: He's got you there, Brian. Hahaha, it's like a viewmaster with no pictures! Ahahaha!
[Puts on Geordi's VISOR, claps, and laughs]
Lois: Chris, you put down that strange boomerang right this instant, young man!
Peter: Don't worry Geordi, I'll help you!
[Peter runs up to Levar Burton, grabs him by the arm and starts walking him]
Levar Burton: Who are you? What are you doing? Get off me!
Peter: Everything's gonna be okay, Geordi, I'll make sure you're safe.
Levar Burton: What are you talking about? I'm not blind.
Peter: Oh, I'm sorry...you people prefer to be called "visually impaired", right? I didn't mean to offend you.
Levar Burton: No, I'm telling you, I'm not...
Peter: Watch out for that fat Klingon! Leave Geordi alone, you behstid!
[Peter pushes Levar Burton out of the way of a fan walking towards them dressed as a Klingon. Burton falls into another man, who collides with two men carrying a huge model of the Enterprise. The model hits Burton and he falls down].
[Outside Jonathan Frakes is shaking hands with a man on the street]
Jonathan Frakes: Hi, I'm Jonathan Frakes, nice to meet you.
Kanye West: Kanye West.
Jonathan Frakes: Kanye, do you know where I can buy a disposable razor?
Kanye West: Sure.
[Back at the convention everyone is looking at Peter in shock. Patrick Stewart runs over to see what happened].
Patrick Stewart: Good lord, what have you done?!?
[A paramedic rushes over and feels Burton's pulse]
Paramedic: He's been knocked unconscious. He should be out for about 15, 20 minutes tops.
Patrick Stewart: NOOOO! NAAAAAAAOOOOOOO!!!
[He shoves the model of the Enterprise out the window and it lands on Frakes. Kanye West's eyes widen in shock. Brent Spiner and Denise Crosby look out the window].
Denise Crosby: Whoa, didn't see that coming.
Brent Spiner: KAAAAAAANNNNNN!!!!
Kanye West [looks up and smiles]: Hey Brent, what's up?
Brent Spiner: Not much.
Stewie: Fah goad sakes, cahn't you people stop ripping off that movie?
I kept the basic premise of starting out the episode with the Family Guy cast going to a Star Trek convention, but I'm not sure where things would go from there. I think Stewie could still capture some of the cast, but it would be better if they were split up (eliminating the Brian/Meg B-story and having the whole episode being about different members of the family interacting with different members of the cast at the same time, instead of just Stewie). Another idea I had that I couldn't find a place for in my skeleton of a script was Stewie trying to torture Wil Wheaton for information by trying to stick eel-like slugs in his ears, and then the slugs crawling into his pants instead and killing him before Stewie could get his information. That way, there could be a reference to both "Star Trek II" and "Stand By Me".
While many of the jokes may fall flat, I hope a few are at least good for a chuckle. Unlike the actual episode (and taking a bit of inspiration from the Futurama Star Trek episode), I threw in some blatant references to the series and the movie franchise (but only one TNG movie, because I didn't like most of them). I tried to make this is a lot more true to the spirit of classic Family Guy and more generous to the TNG cast than the actual Family Guy/TNG crossover was. If anyone wants to make suggestions on what they would have added to the episode, I'd be happy to hear them, as well as any comments and feedback anyone might have about what I've written. Enjoy!
[The "Star Trek: The Next Generation" cast is taking answers from fans at the Star Trek convention]
Peter: In that episode where you had sex with the guy who was really a worm...uh...how big was the worm's penis?
Gates McFadden: He wasn't a worm, he was a man with a worm inside him.
Peter: Oh, I see how it is. [narrows his eyes and smiles] You like that, huh? Does that mean if I drank this tequila with a worm in it, you would...
Lois [snapping at him]: Peter!
Chris: I have a question...did being in Star Trek help you get girls?
Brent Spiner: As Data would say..."affirmative."
[The cast laughs]
[Cutaway: Brent is in bed in Data make-up, a woman is standing in front of him about to take off her nightgown and looking nervous]
Woman: I don't know if we should do this. I don't want you to brag to your friends about me....
Brent [in Data voice]: I have no vanity. I am an android.
Woman: Okay, then.
[Data makes his "Naked Now" goofy grin]
[Tasha walks into the bedroom and angrily throws a champagne bottle at him]
Denise Crosby: You bastard!
[Wil Wheaton and Denise Crosby are walking to the convention]
Denise Crosby: That's the last time I let you take directions. Do you know how late we are?
Wil Wheaton: Remember how your character got killed by a big tar monster? I bet she wouldn't have been killed if my character was there to save her!
Denise Crosby: How original.
[Michael Dorn is standing in front of a banner that says "Klingon cooking with Michael Dorn". There is a table with food on it in front of him. Many fans are crowded around him.]
Michael Dorn: Now the most famous Klingon dish is called Gagh, but what most people don't know is that this dish isn't entirely fictional. I actually learned how to prepare it while working on the show, and now I'm going to teach all of you how to prepare it as well.
[He begins mixing ingredients]
Star Trek fan: What's that?
Michael Dorn: That is a secret KLINGON ingredient!
[Brent Spiner walks by]
Brent Spiner: No it's not, it's pepper!
[Dorn looks at Spiner, then narrows his eyes spitefully]
Michael Dorn: If you were any other man, I would KILL you where you stand!
[Marina Sirtis is sitting at a table in front of a banner that says, "Get counselled by counsellor Troi". There is a couch and chair next to the table.]
Meg: Oh boy! Free counselling!
[She runs and sits on the couch. Marina smiles and gets up from the chair she was sitting in. She sits on the chair next to the couch].
Marina: What's your name?
Meg: I'm Meg.
Marina: All right, and how can I help you, Meg?
Meg: Okay, where to start, well first of all my family doesn't show me any respect! My brother is always picking on me and my parents never do anything! My father always ignores me and my mom never sticks up for me and our dog argues with me all the time! What should I do?
Marina: I see. I sense a lot of hostility towards your family. How do you FEEL about them?
Stewie [looking on]: Ugh, this is the most pathetic excuse for counselling that I have ever seen. [Thinks for a second]. Correction, second most pathetic.
[Cutaway to Stewie on The Dr. Phil Show]
Dr Phil: Stewie, I think the only way you're going to overcome your anger issues is for you to make peace with your mother.
Stewie: Yes, and I think the only way I'm going to overcome my anger issues is for you to BURN IN HELL! [blasts and kills Dr. Phil with his ray gun]
[Patrick Stewart, Jonathan Frakes, Wil Wheaton, and Gates McFadden are sitting at a table signing autographs. The boy at the front of the line is talking to Patrick Stewart]
Boy: You were great in the X-Men movies! I loved Professor X.
Patrick Stewart: Why, thank you, young man. I quite enjoyed playing that part, actually.
Wil Wheaton: You know they never would have killed Professor X if my character was there to save him!
Patrick Stewart [yelling]: DAMN YOU! Get away from my table!
[He punches Wil Wheaton, who falls out of his seat. Jonathan Frakes looks down at him casually, then continues looking straight ahead]
Boy [looking at Jonathan Frakes]: Who the hell did you play?
Jonathan Frakes [looks around nervously, then notices some plastic knives on the table and sticks them between his knuckles]: I was...uh...Wolverine! Grrr! Raaar! [Swings his arms around, clawing at the air with his knives].
Boy: No you weren't!
Gates McFadden [covered in blue paint with her hair slicked back, she looks at Frakes with boredom]: I already tried that. Forget it, it doesn't work.
Jonathan Frakes [looks down at the ground shamefully]: Awww.
Gates McFadden: You know, Jonathan, you're looking pretty scruffy. It wouldn't have killed you to shave before coming here.
Jonathan Frakes: Maybe you're right. What do you think, Patrick?
Patrick Stewart: Make it so, Number one!
[Jonathan Frakes smiles, gets up and walks away]
Peter: Hehehehe...hey Lois, he just called him pee.
[Peter sees Levar Burton walking around]
Peter: Oh my god, Geordi is walking around without his VISOR!
Brian: Peter, I don't think he's actually blind.
Peter [looking at him spitefully]: What the hell do you know, Brian? You don't even watch "Star Trek: The Next Generation"!
Chris: He's got you there, Brian. Hahaha, it's like a viewmaster with no pictures! Ahahaha!
[Puts on Geordi's VISOR, claps, and laughs]
Lois: Chris, you put down that strange boomerang right this instant, young man!
Peter: Don't worry Geordi, I'll help you!
[Peter runs up to Levar Burton, grabs him by the arm and starts walking him]
Levar Burton: Who are you? What are you doing? Get off me!
Peter: Everything's gonna be okay, Geordi, I'll make sure you're safe.
Levar Burton: What are you talking about? I'm not blind.
Peter: Oh, I'm sorry...you people prefer to be called "visually impaired", right? I didn't mean to offend you.
Levar Burton: No, I'm telling you, I'm not...
Peter: Watch out for that fat Klingon! Leave Geordi alone, you behstid!
[Peter pushes Levar Burton out of the way of a fan walking towards them dressed as a Klingon. Burton falls into another man, who collides with two men carrying a huge model of the Enterprise. The model hits Burton and he falls down].
[Outside Jonathan Frakes is shaking hands with a man on the street]
Jonathan Frakes: Hi, I'm Jonathan Frakes, nice to meet you.
Kanye West: Kanye West.
Jonathan Frakes: Kanye, do you know where I can buy a disposable razor?
Kanye West: Sure.
[Back at the convention everyone is looking at Peter in shock. Patrick Stewart runs over to see what happened].
Patrick Stewart: Good lord, what have you done?!?
[A paramedic rushes over and feels Burton's pulse]
Paramedic: He's been knocked unconscious. He should be out for about 15, 20 minutes tops.
Patrick Stewart: NOOOO! NAAAAAAAOOOOOOO!!!
[He shoves the model of the Enterprise out the window and it lands on Frakes. Kanye West's eyes widen in shock. Brent Spiner and Denise Crosby look out the window].
Denise Crosby: Whoa, didn't see that coming.
Brent Spiner: KAAAAAAANNNNNN!!!!
Kanye West [looks up and smiles]: Hey Brent, what's up?
Brent Spiner: Not much.
Stewie: Fah goad sakes, cahn't you people stop ripping off that movie?
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