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September Challenge: The Beginning

CaptainGold

Lieutenant Commander
Red Shirt
Well, here we go again with a rookie writer. Hope you enjoy it, and all comments are greatly appreciated.

The Beginning

“Spock to Lieutenant Gold .”

“Gold here, Captain.”

“Report to my quarters immediately.”

“Aye, Sir.”

Al-Doud looked at me with a vicious smile on his face. He knew all too well what this call meant.

But frankly, I don’t care anymore. Ensign Solodo was the victim of circumstance, and an EPS port that needed replaced. I heard the Ensign report to higher authority that this section of line needed repair, and he was rebuffed. I will not punish him because some mench is too busy drinking Scotch to do his job.

I am tired of this life. Solodo is a good engineer, that is what he cares about. He has a chance to serve the Empire well, damn that cursed and corrupt entity. I will not use that Agonizer again, period. He still smiles, like I used to. Space was worth being in once.

“Commander.”

“Lieutenant.”

If I have to salute that rotting piece of vermin again, maybe I will use the Agonizer. Giotto uses his security people like I use coffee cups. How much blood is on his hands? And he still demands salutes every time he walks into a room, like he will earn respect with a salute. Maybe he will find respect from all those peaceful Gorn he phazered on Cestus III when he meets them again.

Wow, what a beautiful young Ensign she is! I could share a turbo lift with her anytime. Except, look at her eyes. Ah, there is the tattoo. She belongs to Giotto, I don’t understand why Spock lets him do this. He looks over the new crop of kids assigned to the ship, then enslaves one or two until he’s tired of them. That mark on her shoulder is a death brand, if she only knew it. I wonder how many families grieve for someone who went to follow their dreams, and got spaced by him.

“Lieutenant Gold to see Captain Spock.”

“Enter, Gold.”

“Ensign?” I’ll remember you too, Callaway.

“Enter, SIR.

“Lieutenant Gold, you were the security supervisor 47.8 hours ago in Engineering. An EPS conduit failed due to negligence by Ensign Solodo, and this reduced our phaser power in battle by 12.1 %. Why has he not been punished?”

I was surprised when I didn’t stammer. “Captain, Ensign Solodo is a fine young engineer, and my first posting on the Enterprise was in Engineering, so I have some experience there.”

“Lieutenant, you are a security supervisor now. Your Agonizer, please.”

I handed him my Agonizer, actually looked in his eyes and said: “Sir, the EPS port in that line was defective, Ensign Solodo reported it to his engineering superior, who refused to get repairs done on it.” Captain Spock hesitated.

“Indeed, Lieutenant?”

“Yes sir. I was on duty when he reported it. The Ensign, in my opinion, is a young and talented member of the crew. It was not his responsibility that repairs were not made. Sir, (I gulped here) I will not use the Agonizer on him for this. And I will not use again. On anyone.”

I know I had signed my own death warrant. Then Spock said: “Sit down, Lieutenant.”

The Captain continued: “Mr. Gold, Solodo is much like you were when you first came on board. You had a fine Academy record, and you had a desire to serve the Empire and your human ambitions. What has happened to you, Mr. Gold? You should not be in Security services.”

“Sir, Transporter Chief Kyle was my friend. When Captain Kirk spaced him after he came back from his trip to Clina Four, it reminded me what I couldn’t get away from. Sir, our Empire is corrupt, and Starfleet is an instrument of hate and tyranny. I tried to hide where I could somehow find a way to die a quick death with some honor, but I became good at supervising people.

“I hate it sir. This ship is filled with sadists and killers, and people who torture for their own amusement. If we ever had to fight a real battle with an equal opponent we would lose, sir. I used to love being in space, to explore and see new places. It was an honor to protect our people, and destroy our enemies. Now, all I know is that-“

“We are the enemy, Lieutenant.”

I was in shock.

“When Captain Kirk and the landing party came back from Clina Four, there was a there was a space/time rift. We did not get back our original Captain Kirk, but in short, one from a parallel universe. That Captain Kirk opened my eyes as well, Lieutenant, as to who we are. The day of change has come.”

“Commander Giotto, please report to my quarters.”

A few moments later, the scum was in my presence again.

“Commander Giotto, Lieutenant Gold has told me about his refusal to use his Agonizer. Is this an example of how lax your discipline is?

“N–o-o sir,” stammered Giotto. You could smell his fear. “I’ll take over discipline of Mr. Gold from here sir”

“No, commander, you won’t. I grow tired of you, Mr. Giotto. You have corrupted this ship. You have your own personal harem, who disappear after a few months. This crew is in fear of you, and mocks and despises you behind your back. And then last week against my expressed orders you killed a complete colony of sentient beings on Cestus III without provocation.”

He then took my Agonizer and put it on Giotto’s shoulder.

After what seemed an hour of pain, his body disappeared.

“Lieutenant Commander Gold”, said Spock, “what you did not know is that Commander Giotto was planning to have you killed later today. All his security supervisors are a threat to him, so he planned to turn on your Agonizer by remote, modified with a special kill device. You would suddenly find yourself in searing pain for several minutes, then your body would disintegrate, so there would be no trace of his special modifications to your Agonizer.

You are now chief of security. You will rid this ship of the vice and vermin it caries, and make it into the ship that will begin to change evil Empire we serve. There are others like you on this ship, I want you to find them. And be aware, Commander, that trust has been earned by you today. It, and you, will not last more than a day if I find your words false.”



“Captain Gold, all this is interesting. Why do you tell me this on your way to your execution?”

“Because, Commander Lothland, there are other people like me out there in Starfleet, and their power grows every day. You should change before you are swept out with the rest of our feeble Empire.”

“But dear Captain, you will be dead soon, and I and the Empire will long out live you.”

“I doubt that, Commander”, as suddenly the ISS DaVinci decloaked in front of his ISS Security Shuttle Stalin and the transporter replaced me with a concussion grenade.
 
Good. Very good, in fact--for a rookie writer. Well done! Lieutenant Gold was a surprisingly sympathetic character, and your story was very believable.

Just a couple of suggestions:

--You could improve this story by adding a bit more description. There's nothing wrong with a dialogue-heavy story--I write stories like that myself. But sometimes you have to add descriptive passages to make it clear to the reader what's going on, and to make your dialogue more effective. For example--I wasn't clear at first who the main character was: I thought at first it was Spock! :lol:

--Although I liked your ending in theory, in practice, I thought it was rather rushed, and once again lacking in description. You could either leave it out, or revise it, so that it loses its current 'tacked-on' feel.

But ike I said, overall, I liked this quite a bit. Well done. :thumbsup:
 
as far as i can tell, it doesn't. gold seems to be a MU version of David Gold from the SCE e-books, given the reference to I.S.S. da Vinci...
 
I agree with Camelopard on the clarity issues. I had to read the beginning twice before I had a hang on the narrative.

But once I did I thought it was an interesting story. In fact the off-beat narrative style was kinda intersting and a good fit to the plot.

Good first time effort!
 
I'd also like to echo Cemelopard as regards clarity, some more scenery painting would have helped tremendously. If you haven't already, you might want to read some of the classics of literary science fiction to give you an idea and maybe some inspiration: Anderson (my favorite :) ), Frank Herbert, Gordon R. Dickson, Frederick Pohl, etc. They're also great fun to read.

Also, you got a bit confusing when you shift from 1st person to 3rd and back again. My suggestion is to stick to one perspective.

The story itself is, as others have pointed out, an interesting insight into the mirror universe and one I think worthy of future exploration.
 
It's a lot better than my first stabs at writing. Particularly admirable is the stream-of-consciousness narrative, that's very rare in fanfic - so far as I know, anyway. Characterisation is superb, for Spock, Gold, and Giotto. I enjoyed the little touches - Giotto's harem, and so on.

I agree with others that the segues and use of description is a little clunky. It's quite good early on with the stream-of-consciousness, and I don't mind it being pared down to almost nothing in the centre of the story, but near the end it was just a little messy.
 
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