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Spoilers Parody Thread: If "Discovery" were made in the '80s

Lord Garth

Lord Garth

Admiral
Admiral
I'll kick this off, then we can keep it rolling.

Detente has broken with The Klingons. The arms race between the Federation and the Klingons heats up again. All thanks to Michael Burnham who has a mohawk.

Klingons -- because this is the '80s -- not only have hair, but the wildest, biggest, most voluminous hair ever. And all have Russian accents because who needs subtlety?

Guitar Riff, complete with synth drums, as Burnham knocks out Captain Georgiou and tries to take over. Then, when Georgiou and Burnham later go on to fight the Klingons it's done to a montage, shot in music video style.

When Georgiou dies, Burnham calls T'Kuvma a "Klingon bastard!" before killing him.

Afterwards, as Burnham is sentenced to life imprisonment we get another montage. A dark montage that looks like it's from out of Ridley Scott's 1984 commercial.

Then, on a transport, she's rescued by Captain Lorca, who has a Safari hat. He has all his trophies and thinks he's Crocodile Dundee.

Landry -- who's a rip-off of Vasquez from Aliens in this version -- lets Burnham duke it out with the prisoners, who all look like space-bikers.

And, to quote Star Trek III, "The Adventure Continues..." That's all I have to start this off with for now but it's enough to get us going.

[On a more serious note: I don't think Stamets would be portrayed very well at all, unfortunately. They'd make him as stereotypically flamboyant as possible. At best.]
 
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To test the boundaries of 1980s broadcast television, there would be an episode where some parasite invades a Starfleet officer's body, and our heroes have to phaser him to death until his head and torso explode, and then the disgusting-looking parasite emerges, and they phaser it to death too.

Kor
 
Kor said:
To test the boundaries of 1980s broadcast television, there would be an episode where some parasite invades a Starfleet officer's body, and our heroes have to phaser him to death until his head and torso explode, and then the disgusting-looking parasite emerges, and they phaser it to death too.

Kor
Click to expand...

Best scene in TNG's entire run.
 
All fights would would entail the combatants simply throwing punches with no grappling or advanced fighting techniques used. Rifles would always be fired from the hip with complete disregard to aiming or conserving ammunition or battery power.
 
Ash wears a bandanna. When he's shooting holographic Klingons with Lorca, the score flashes. Every kill is 1,000 points.

Saru is a complete, total Yuppie.

Harry Mudd deals cocaine on the side. He got Ash addicted to it while he was a POW and withdrawal adds to his PTSD.

This being the height of the Reagan Era, when Lorca tells the crew they've gone from scientists to soldiers, super-dramatic James Horner music is in the background. The soundtracks from TWOK, TSFS, Krull, and Aliens are in the background while Discovery does the 130-something jumps to fight the Klingons.

When the Tardigrade leaves the Discovery the soundtrack to The Neverending Story is heard.

At some point in "Into the Forest", Burnham says "Let's blow this joint" and tells Kol, "I have had enough of... you!"

The Klingons can't hit anything when they shoot at Our Heroes.
 
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The party in "Magic to Make the Sanest Man Go Mad" is like a scene straight out of Miami Vice. Right here.

When Stamets tries to convince Burnham about what's going on he breaks into song-and-dance like Patrick Swayze at the end of Dirty Dancing. Apparently "Time of My Life" is Michael's favorite song. It's her dark, dirty secret that would mess up her image. She wants to be tough like Jo on The Facts of Life.

When they end up in The Mirror Universe, it's like Escape from New York. Complete with the soundtrack. Lorca starts going by the name Snake when he's in disguise. "Call me Snake." Well, that and Labyrinth. I don't know who'd be David Bowie.
 
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Instead of running through the corridors, Tilly and Burnham will be doing aerobics in front of a large mirror in revealing, brightly colored leotards. While talking about men.
 
Due to Lorca's light sensitivity, he'd constantly walk around sporting Ray-Ban sunglasses. In his off hours, he wear a brightly colored tee shirt under a white/pastel cotton suit.
 
In Battle of Binary Stars: they board the Klingon ship with grenades, shoot and slash and explode through through 200 Klingons, causing more damage than the torpedo. That scene is 20 minutes long. The captain says "this is for x" for each ship and crew member lost with each kill or detonation. Burnham kills T'Kumba, destroys the entire bridge upon beaming and says this is for Philippia in the transporter.
 
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