WARNING: May cause spit-takes. Author is not responsible for guts bust, sides split or ribs cracked laughing. Proceed at own risk. 
The planet M’ra’k’lan’ak was a fairly benign M-class planet, covered in dense woodland. The natives, a bipedal species with nasal ridges and a pronounced forehead, were known as the Semerians. Throughout the Alpha Quadrant, the Semerians were respected as having a sophisticated grasp of mathematics that was second to none.
The Semerians shared their home star system with another M-class planet, Klev. Klev was home to the Semmerrians, a vicious, barbaric warrior race feared throughout the Alpha Quadrant as even more ferocious than the Klingons.
As the four-nacelled starship Enterprise-X dropped from super-transwarp speed, Captain Nicholas Z. Anderson decided Starfleet Command must hate him. It was the only explanation for sending him on this mission.
“Alert Ambassador Grey that we have arrived in the system,” he said to his First Officer, Commander Spork. The Vulcan nodded and activated his intercom.
Moments later, the Ambassador walked on to the bridge.
“Captain, hail the Semmerrian government. I wish to be allowed to begin my mission to Klev at once,” Grey said.
Anderson bristled at the Ambassador ordering him around on his own bridge, but said nothing. He nodded toward the Ops officer at the front of the bridge.
The Andorian twitched his antennae as he complied.
“Channel open.”
“Semmerrian government, this is Ambassador Grey of the United Federation of Planets.”
“Grey! Do not beam down! We do not wish to talk to P’rash g’tak Federation Ambassador.”
Anderson looked to Spork who raised a single eyebrow.
Grey fumed silently.
Before the Ambassador could say anything, the Andorian ops officer reported, “Channel closed.”
“Captain, I must be allowed to beam down to continue my mission!”
“Since the Semmerrians do not wish to talk to you, I do not see any point in beaming down, Ambassador,” Spork said.
Grey almost snarled. “The Federation Council wants this system to be at peace! The Semerians and the Semmerrians have been at war for ninety years! Captain, I’m ordering you to put together a landing party and allow me to beam down!”
Anderson bristled again. Trying not to growl, he said, “Very well.”
Anderson turned to the security chief. “Commander, assemble an Away Team for immediate transport to the planet. Full security measures.”
The Mexican nodded. “Si, Capitano.”
Minutes later, the Away Team, led by Ambassador Grey materialised on Klev’s surface outside the government building.
Several Semmerrians noticed the group’s arrival.
“Down with the Federation!” one shouted. Another shouted epithets that the Universal Translator couldn’t parse.
Lieutenant Grag, a Klingon, reached for his phaser rifle.
“Don’t respond, Lieutenant,” Grey ordered.
Grag glowered at the Ambassador but said nothing.
A Semmerrian drew her own pistol and fired at them.
Grag shoved Grey aside, levelled his phaser rifle and fired. The woman was vaporised. More Semmerrians drew their weapons.
“Protect the Ambassador!” Grag barked.
Immediately the other security officers drew their phasers and opened fire as the Semmerrians began to shoot at them.
V’shar, a Romulan was hit first. She fell to the floor, screaming in agony.
Kelu and the Xindi ensign Delvak moved to protect her as they returned fire.
Standing in the Semmerrian government building, the Vorta Talis watched with satisfaction as the Starfleet team fought with the Semmerrians. It had been two hundred years since the Federation defeated the Dominion. Now, they would have their revenge, at last.
The five security officers surrounding the Ambassador cut down several Semmerrians before two more were killed. Grag slapped his communicator.
“Grag to Enterprise! Beam us back, we’re under attack!”
The whine of the transporter filled the air and the Away Team were whisked back to the ship.
In Sickbay, Ambassador Grey was being treated by Doctor Kaq, a Rigelian, when Captain Anderson arrived.
“What the hell did you do?” demanded Anderson.
“We didn’t do anything!” Grey protested.
“I’ve got two dead security guards, another critically injured and you claim you did nothing?!” Anderson was on the verge of apoplexy.
Grey tried to speak but Anderson continued.
“This mission was a bust as soon as we arrived! The Semmerrians told us they didn’t want to talk. But you, Mister Ambassador, insisted!”
Suddenly, the red alert klaxons began to sound.
“Battle stations! Captain to the bridge!” Spork’s voice announced loudly, but calmly.
Anderson threw a filthy look at the Ambassador before hurrying out.
Moments later, Anderson strode onto the bridge.
“Report!” he barked.
“Four Jem’hadar battlecruisers have just dropped out of warp.”
Anderson’s head whipped around at Spork’s comment.
“What?”
“They’re charging weapons and have shields raised, Captain,” reported the security chief.
“Arm pulse-phasers. Ready quantum torpedo tubes one through twenty-nine. Activate metaphasic shields!” Anderson took the centre seat as he snapped off orders.
“Jem’hadar vessels firing!”
The ship’s protective shields held firm against the Jem’hadar’s weapons.
“Open fire!” Anderson snapped.
The Enterprise’s type XXXL phaser cannon lashed out at the Jem’hadar warships. Energy bolts punched through the Dominion ships’ weaker shields and two of them were blown apart in an instant.
“Torpedoes!” snapped Anderson.
“We can’t lock on torpedoes!” reported the security chief. “We’re being jammed by some kind of covariant meso-neutron beam!”
The chief engineer Mary-Sue Kelly turned toward the captain. “Sir! I can reconfigure our deflector array to emit an inverse anti-electron pulse that will cause the Jem’hadar’s shields to collapse, scatter their jamming field and disrupt their weapons systems!”
“Do it, Mary-Sue!” Anderson snapped.
The pretty blonde engineer bent to the task. Her hands flew across the holographic controls, then she announced, “Firing pulse!”
An orange stream emitted from the vessel’s forward deflector grid. The beam swirled across the remaining Dominion ships. Instantly, the two ships began to drift, their warp nacelles flickered and lights in the hull flickered on and off.
“Good work, Mary-Sue,” Anderson said, hurrying to her side. The captain ignored the bridge crew as he snogged his chief engineer and copped a feel of her big boobs.
Spork cleared his throat, noisily.
Anderson broke the kiss. He looked at the Vulcan, then walked over to him.
“I’ll make it up to you later,” Anderson muttered, brushing his fingers on Spork’s hand.
“You better,” Spork replied sternly.
“Computer. End programme.”
The holodeck flickered and the scene vanished. Bobbi March looked disgusted as she walked toward the exit.
“Who the hell makes this garbage, anyway?” she muttered as she left the empty yellow-on-black gridded room.
As she walked along the corridor, she saw Captain Craig Robinson walking toward her.
“Hello, Captain.”
“Commander.” Robinson nodded politely. “Is the holodeck free?”
“Yes. Um…”
Robinson paused as he looked at the visiting sniper.
“Just don’t run the programme ‘Starfleet 2577’, Captain.”
Robinson frowned. “Not very good?” he inquired.
“It’s a crime against literature, Captain.”
“I’ll bear that in mind,” Robinson chuckled.
The planet M’ra’k’lan’ak was a fairly benign M-class planet, covered in dense woodland. The natives, a bipedal species with nasal ridges and a pronounced forehead, were known as the Semerians. Throughout the Alpha Quadrant, the Semerians were respected as having a sophisticated grasp of mathematics that was second to none.
The Semerians shared their home star system with another M-class planet, Klev. Klev was home to the Semmerrians, a vicious, barbaric warrior race feared throughout the Alpha Quadrant as even more ferocious than the Klingons.
As the four-nacelled starship Enterprise-X dropped from super-transwarp speed, Captain Nicholas Z. Anderson decided Starfleet Command must hate him. It was the only explanation for sending him on this mission.
“Alert Ambassador Grey that we have arrived in the system,” he said to his First Officer, Commander Spork. The Vulcan nodded and activated his intercom.
Moments later, the Ambassador walked on to the bridge.
“Captain, hail the Semmerrian government. I wish to be allowed to begin my mission to Klev at once,” Grey said.
Anderson bristled at the Ambassador ordering him around on his own bridge, but said nothing. He nodded toward the Ops officer at the front of the bridge.
The Andorian twitched his antennae as he complied.
“Channel open.”
“Semmerrian government, this is Ambassador Grey of the United Federation of Planets.”
“Grey! Do not beam down! We do not wish to talk to P’rash g’tak Federation Ambassador.”
Anderson looked to Spork who raised a single eyebrow.
Grey fumed silently.
Before the Ambassador could say anything, the Andorian ops officer reported, “Channel closed.”
“Captain, I must be allowed to beam down to continue my mission!”
“Since the Semmerrians do not wish to talk to you, I do not see any point in beaming down, Ambassador,” Spork said.
Grey almost snarled. “The Federation Council wants this system to be at peace! The Semerians and the Semmerrians have been at war for ninety years! Captain, I’m ordering you to put together a landing party and allow me to beam down!”
Anderson bristled again. Trying not to growl, he said, “Very well.”
Anderson turned to the security chief. “Commander, assemble an Away Team for immediate transport to the planet. Full security measures.”
The Mexican nodded. “Si, Capitano.”
Minutes later, the Away Team, led by Ambassador Grey materialised on Klev’s surface outside the government building.
Several Semmerrians noticed the group’s arrival.
“Down with the Federation!” one shouted. Another shouted epithets that the Universal Translator couldn’t parse.
Lieutenant Grag, a Klingon, reached for his phaser rifle.
“Don’t respond, Lieutenant,” Grey ordered.
Grag glowered at the Ambassador but said nothing.
A Semmerrian drew her own pistol and fired at them.
Grag shoved Grey aside, levelled his phaser rifle and fired. The woman was vaporised. More Semmerrians drew their weapons.
“Protect the Ambassador!” Grag barked.
Immediately the other security officers drew their phasers and opened fire as the Semmerrians began to shoot at them.
V’shar, a Romulan was hit first. She fell to the floor, screaming in agony.
Kelu and the Xindi ensign Delvak moved to protect her as they returned fire.
Standing in the Semmerrian government building, the Vorta Talis watched with satisfaction as the Starfleet team fought with the Semmerrians. It had been two hundred years since the Federation defeated the Dominion. Now, they would have their revenge, at last.
The five security officers surrounding the Ambassador cut down several Semmerrians before two more were killed. Grag slapped his communicator.
“Grag to Enterprise! Beam us back, we’re under attack!”
The whine of the transporter filled the air and the Away Team were whisked back to the ship.
In Sickbay, Ambassador Grey was being treated by Doctor Kaq, a Rigelian, when Captain Anderson arrived.
“What the hell did you do?” demanded Anderson.
“We didn’t do anything!” Grey protested.
“I’ve got two dead security guards, another critically injured and you claim you did nothing?!” Anderson was on the verge of apoplexy.
Grey tried to speak but Anderson continued.
“This mission was a bust as soon as we arrived! The Semmerrians told us they didn’t want to talk. But you, Mister Ambassador, insisted!”
Suddenly, the red alert klaxons began to sound.
“Battle stations! Captain to the bridge!” Spork’s voice announced loudly, but calmly.
Anderson threw a filthy look at the Ambassador before hurrying out.
Moments later, Anderson strode onto the bridge.
“Report!” he barked.
“Four Jem’hadar battlecruisers have just dropped out of warp.”
Anderson’s head whipped around at Spork’s comment.
“What?”
“They’re charging weapons and have shields raised, Captain,” reported the security chief.
“Arm pulse-phasers. Ready quantum torpedo tubes one through twenty-nine. Activate metaphasic shields!” Anderson took the centre seat as he snapped off orders.
“Jem’hadar vessels firing!”
The ship’s protective shields held firm against the Jem’hadar’s weapons.
“Open fire!” Anderson snapped.
The Enterprise’s type XXXL phaser cannon lashed out at the Jem’hadar warships. Energy bolts punched through the Dominion ships’ weaker shields and two of them were blown apart in an instant.
“Torpedoes!” snapped Anderson.
“We can’t lock on torpedoes!” reported the security chief. “We’re being jammed by some kind of covariant meso-neutron beam!”
The chief engineer Mary-Sue Kelly turned toward the captain. “Sir! I can reconfigure our deflector array to emit an inverse anti-electron pulse that will cause the Jem’hadar’s shields to collapse, scatter their jamming field and disrupt their weapons systems!”
“Do it, Mary-Sue!” Anderson snapped.
The pretty blonde engineer bent to the task. Her hands flew across the holographic controls, then she announced, “Firing pulse!”
An orange stream emitted from the vessel’s forward deflector grid. The beam swirled across the remaining Dominion ships. Instantly, the two ships began to drift, their warp nacelles flickered and lights in the hull flickered on and off.
“Good work, Mary-Sue,” Anderson said, hurrying to her side. The captain ignored the bridge crew as he snogged his chief engineer and copped a feel of her big boobs.
Spork cleared his throat, noisily.
Anderson broke the kiss. He looked at the Vulcan, then walked over to him.
“I’ll make it up to you later,” Anderson muttered, brushing his fingers on Spork’s hand.
“You better,” Spork replied sternly.
“Computer. End programme.”
The holodeck flickered and the scene vanished. Bobbi March looked disgusted as she walked toward the exit.
“Who the hell makes this garbage, anyway?” she muttered as she left the empty yellow-on-black gridded room.
As she walked along the corridor, she saw Captain Craig Robinson walking toward her.
“Hello, Captain.”
“Commander.” Robinson nodded politely. “Is the holodeck free?”
“Yes. Um…”
Robinson paused as he looked at the visiting sniper.
“Just don’t run the programme ‘Starfleet 2577’, Captain.”
Robinson frowned. “Not very good?” he inquired.
“It’s a crime against literature, Captain.”
“I’ll bear that in mind,” Robinson chuckled.
