EDIT (for clarification): Feel free to add your experiences and/or input in what's it to deal with a toxic work environment and what to do about it.
I typed this up back in 2011 as a parody of e-How articles (and has nothing to do with anywhere I currently work). Every now and then, I like to drudge it up again, as I think people get a kick out of it. Anyone who's ever worked anywhere has had at least one toxic boss at some point and he or she probably fits a lot of this.
Enjoy!
How to Become a Toxic Boss
It took an abundance of time and effort to proverbially fellate whoever promoted you into a managerial position. Sociologists may label this fine art as promoting one to their level of incompetence but what do they know? Why let someone beneath you think they can get ahead just by quickly learning skills, techniques, and methods that become outdated at an increasing rate while you took the time to find out who to know instead of what to know? Your approach is never outdated. You were the one who made it ahead so bask in your glory. Revel in it. Continue to impress your superiors and make sure to let your subordinates, your inferiors, know exactly where they stand which is, and always will be, underneath you.
Instructions
1. "It’s your fault!" needs to be your mantra as a Toxic Boss. Should a problem arise, and if knowledge spreads beyond your jurisdiction and/or authority, there must be someone to hold accountable while keeping your job, reputation, and standing secure. Whoever you assign accountability to must never be given a chance to defend themselves, beyond a token effort where you already determined who is at fault. Due process is your enemy.
2. Micromanagement is your friend. Since your subordinates are your inferiors they are by definition incapable of accomplishing a task as well as you. Any procedure that deviates from yours must be wrong. If a subordinate makes an attempt to explain then they are merely searching for excuses to explain or mitigate their inadequacy. To minimize inadequacies, question and inspect all the work of all your employees; they still have a lot to learn before they reach your level of skill so use the limited time you grace their presence with to its maximum effect.
3. Make sure you prioritize. Always micromanage when you are around because you cannot always be around. You cannot have time to perform your responsibilities if you are always performing your subordinates’. Explain you would love to be around more but you have too much to do. Sometimes the tasks of your position are overwhelming so delegate said tasks to supervisors who report directly to you and take all necessary time away from the task to relax your mind so you can handle your responsibilities again whenever or if ever you find an optimal time. Leisure activities include taking the day(s) off, an extended lunch break, or fraternizing with your friends and colleagues. Turning those above you into your friends is always your top priority.
4. Manage Expectations. Do not give your staff the impression they can grow beyond the parameters of whatever you offer them. If they advance too far, they will become a threat to your position; it is too much of a risk to not assume they desire it. Also make sure your clients do not expect more from you than you are willing to provide. Take corrective action against your staff if they attempt to change what the cliental will expect.
5. Selectively respond to questions and feedback. You need not explain yourself or your rationale to those who work under you. Do not respond if you decide they do not need to have an answer. Should you decide they need an answer that you cannot provide, be cryptic. Otherwise feel free to respond however you wish and say their comments are appreciated. Always have an answer prepared for a superior.
6. Always spin to your advantage. Never say anything that makes you or what you represent look unfavorable. When dealing with an unfavorable situation that cannot be blamed on someone else: make it sound less objectionable or deflect the topic altogether by changing the subject. When deflection or embellishments are not options, simply do not comment. If you must comment, cannot change the subject, and there is no positive way to spin the situation, please apologize. You do not need to be sincere.
I typed this up back in 2011 as a parody of e-How articles (and has nothing to do with anywhere I currently work). Every now and then, I like to drudge it up again, as I think people get a kick out of it. Anyone who's ever worked anywhere has had at least one toxic boss at some point and he or she probably fits a lot of this.
Enjoy!
How to Become a Toxic Boss
It took an abundance of time and effort to proverbially fellate whoever promoted you into a managerial position. Sociologists may label this fine art as promoting one to their level of incompetence but what do they know? Why let someone beneath you think they can get ahead just by quickly learning skills, techniques, and methods that become outdated at an increasing rate while you took the time to find out who to know instead of what to know? Your approach is never outdated. You were the one who made it ahead so bask in your glory. Revel in it. Continue to impress your superiors and make sure to let your subordinates, your inferiors, know exactly where they stand which is, and always will be, underneath you.
Instructions
1. "It’s your fault!" needs to be your mantra as a Toxic Boss. Should a problem arise, and if knowledge spreads beyond your jurisdiction and/or authority, there must be someone to hold accountable while keeping your job, reputation, and standing secure. Whoever you assign accountability to must never be given a chance to defend themselves, beyond a token effort where you already determined who is at fault. Due process is your enemy.
2. Micromanagement is your friend. Since your subordinates are your inferiors they are by definition incapable of accomplishing a task as well as you. Any procedure that deviates from yours must be wrong. If a subordinate makes an attempt to explain then they are merely searching for excuses to explain or mitigate their inadequacy. To minimize inadequacies, question and inspect all the work of all your employees; they still have a lot to learn before they reach your level of skill so use the limited time you grace their presence with to its maximum effect.
3. Make sure you prioritize. Always micromanage when you are around because you cannot always be around. You cannot have time to perform your responsibilities if you are always performing your subordinates’. Explain you would love to be around more but you have too much to do. Sometimes the tasks of your position are overwhelming so delegate said tasks to supervisors who report directly to you and take all necessary time away from the task to relax your mind so you can handle your responsibilities again whenever or if ever you find an optimal time. Leisure activities include taking the day(s) off, an extended lunch break, or fraternizing with your friends and colleagues. Turning those above you into your friends is always your top priority.
4. Manage Expectations. Do not give your staff the impression they can grow beyond the parameters of whatever you offer them. If they advance too far, they will become a threat to your position; it is too much of a risk to not assume they desire it. Also make sure your clients do not expect more from you than you are willing to provide. Take corrective action against your staff if they attempt to change what the cliental will expect.
5. Selectively respond to questions and feedback. You need not explain yourself or your rationale to those who work under you. Do not respond if you decide they do not need to have an answer. Should you decide they need an answer that you cannot provide, be cryptic. Otherwise feel free to respond however you wish and say their comments are appreciated. Always have an answer prepared for a superior.
6. Always spin to your advantage. Never say anything that makes you or what you represent look unfavorable. When dealing with an unfavorable situation that cannot be blamed on someone else: make it sound less objectionable or deflect the topic altogether by changing the subject. When deflection or embellishments are not options, simply do not comment. If you must comment, cannot change the subject, and there is no positive way to spin the situation, please apologize. You do not need to be sincere.
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