Halloween is really doing my nut. Stressful morning of the kids trying to dress up. One is adamant they can wear an iron man costume, age 4-5. He’s 9! I want to enjoy a coffee, but the walls are closing in.
It was a bad morning. Oldest decided he would go as Stark instead. I tried to explain that Stark is a businessman, a billionaire playboy philanthropist, not spooky. All the while, the youngest is talking over everyone about how Batman is Halloween because bats are spooky. In the end, he went as Darth Vader. We have a big basket full of costumes, but it hasn’t been updated for a while and they’re growing out of stuff. I just didn’t want them being mocked at school. I try to be the happy enthusiastic and encouraging dad, but there are times when the overload is overwhelming,
Had an off day today. Just felt really socially inept while trying to meet new people despite my best efforts. I don't want to feel isolated but... I'm frustrated with other people's lack of effort/consideration to look outside of themselves. Tired of getting the crap end of the stick all of the time. Been struggling with anxiety all week. Anxiety dreams too. Had a panic attack in bed on Wednesday (?) and another one again on Thursday/Friday I think. There was a bit of a gap. The weird part is that I didn't feel obviously anxious but there was a weird feeling around my heart. Really couldn't sleep.
I touched base with an old friend yesterday. We haven’t spoken in 15 years so it was great to hear from them. They’re going through much the same as me and we’ll have a proper catch up soon. Another long distance friend was in town a little while ago. I couldn’t meet for a beer because ARGH, so we met the next day for a coffee. Turns out, they’re in the same boat as me too. And this is one of the more confident and successful of my friends. I had no idea. What strikes me about mental health attitudes is that you can pretty much divide the population cleanly in to two groups. The silent suffering group A, trying their best to keep up with group B, the dismissive and ignorant ‘normal’ people. I don’t want to be part either group any more.
I'm really feeling like a freak lately. Not because of my appearance but because of who I am. It feels like I'm more of a nuisance than anything else. I guess I'm just destined to annoy people every time I post or open my mouth. I wish I could think normally, or even properly. I really do feel like my mental capacity is dropping lately along with the physical issues I've been having like the beginnings of neuropathy in my hands which leads to dropping things all the time. I'm also knocking things off of counters nearly every time I move, especially when I'm trying to grab something else. Oh, and the minor hallucinations. I'll see something move out of the corner or bottom of my vision, I'll look, and all there is is a little rock or spot of dirt or a stick or whatnot. Finally, I'm getting confused easily and having a hard time concentrating. I had an MRI last year but it didn't show anything wrong, so I don't know what to do.
that is hard to deal with --- In the hallucination-department I see these black spiders in my bed all the time.. not there -- I have to sleep with the lights on so I don't see them as much or feel rats inside my mattress I feel them bouncing about but I don't have rats or their little leavings at all.. IDK but it is a in-between wake and sleep state when that happens to me.. so yeah the bugs are not real If I stay awake too long --- I get the bugs on the skin biting me which I hallucinate feel and see them .. not there.. it is annoying but eventually I get to sleep --- IDK with the knocking over and dropping things that is a hard plight --- I know you are doing the best you can .. I don't know -- I have heard of some kind of mushroom supplement that helps dreams and concentration in the "vitamin" isle.. I will go back to it to post here ---ok retraced to it and found the exact thing that was talked about If I had 30 dollars I would invest but I just like play my pc-games and sorta keeps me up to par with things -- but I do need more exercise I will work on that https://hostdefense.com/products/brain-mycobotanicals-mushroom-and-herb-support-for-mental-clarity this is getting good reviews and results --- I don't think it is much like cbd oil and such but --- IDK
I ballsed up my meds. Thought I had enough, but that was a case of putting an empty strip back in the box. Had some major down days, but thought could make it to my appointment with the GP to review my medication. Stooooopidly, I went to the wrong clinic in the wrong town. Our local practices have all merged in to one over the years, and it’s possible to have several appointments with the same Doctor but never in the same town twice. Bollocks really, but it’s another week before I can see the doctor again, over two weeks without meds. I still have my blockers to help with anxiety, but all things considered, I’m feeling a lot better,
https://www.rutlandherald.com/news/...cle_bba91529-cb0a-5b7f-838a-9b0d29089135.html From the news report In a decision released Friday, the Vermont Supreme Court ruled in favor of a man with mental health issues from Windham County who asked not to be medicated against his will. The ruling found fault with state officials from the Vermont Department of Mental Health who had obtained an order of involuntary medication. ...... This is a major milestone for us who don’t like,,,, at all ,, the current state of psych meds,, I have watched people be medicated against their will,.. I was medicated against my will .. so yeah changes that should of been years ago is now changing,.. it’s good to see this happening..
Well, I’m happy to report that I have had a good run of up days. I wouldn’t exactly say that I was super, but I’ve had a gap in medication, and the doctor prescribed a new antidepressant, but I haven’t been able to afford it and I’ve been going without. This weekend, I blitzed the house, properly. I have a clear work space for writing/crafting etc and I’ve managed to get some primitive sculpting done. Yesterday, I made a winter casserole and baked a loaf. Tomorrow, I’m making a cake. What I haven’t done lately is loafed on the sofa in a silent house. Celebrating the win.
Today, I deliberately decided not to go see my psychotherapist I feel like a fucking idiot for dipping out, but it's been a hard two weeks, and I was fed up going to see him while I pour out my personal hangups and he sits motionless. At least acknowledge I'm in the fucking room. I've fucked up