I'm sorry I didn't reply sooner. I had no idea what to say. It certainly is nice to have ears that will listen, but I'm afraid I do need professional help for my underlying issues. Thank you for the offers for PMs. I do appreciate it. I'll tell ya, if I was doomed from the start to have a disability, I really wish it had been a visible or at least more socially-acceptable one than mental health issues (I don't count diabetes as a disability, necessarily. At least, not in most cases).
^I second that! Scribble, I understand it'll take you a long time to get an appointment with a professional. How about you apply for one asap and until it's on, we'll try to help. Rather a lot of us have been or still are in therapy for depressions, PTSD or other emotional problems and there is a surprising number of diabetics as well. So, while we may not be professionals, we still have a certain experience and can at least assist you and offer a few shoulders to lean on until the professional takes over from us. You've realized that you need help and you are not afraid to ask for it. That's the first and most difficult step, and it takes the most courage. The rest will be a good deal easier Not every solution suggested will work - in my experience you have to try out which way suits you best. That is where this forum becomes an advantage for you: added up, we have tried out lots of different methods (some might perhaps even be uncommon in the US) and can introduce them to you. This way the chance is better that something is among them that fits your requirements.
If posting here helps you, then please keep doing it. ...the anonymity of the BBS posting, and the support it usually brings is something not understood by most. Say anything, stay silent...it's all good because we've been there. That's why it's easy for us to listen and truly hope that things get better for you.
Thank you for understanding, everyone. Not all is well, but conditions have improved. Being able to walk without crutches and drive are huge weights lifted off of my back, especially since my mom needed help on Tuesday and I wasn't able to provide that help because I was restricted from driving. I was about to insist to my doctor that I needed him to allow me to drive again because my mom is about to start her chemo (what I couldn't help with was bringing her to her hospital appointment to get her port inserted) when he told me I could walk again (without crutches), so I asked, and drive?!? He said, "Yup! Driving is important to you, isn't it?" I told him why. He was able to provide me with the letter I need to give to my state that says I can drive, effective today. Again, a huge weight lifted, but far from perfect here. I'm also getting along with my housemate again and I hope that lasts. I didn't mean to, but I drove him to his limits and beyond with my issues. We've sort of called a truce, but I hope it gets better than that and we go back to a friendship. It's just been a confluence of events that have been driving me further and further down my path into depression, but not being able to drive since early November is a large part of that. I hate losing all sense of independence. I literally have been considering changing my first name to Murphy lately. And I use the word literally correctly here.
I’m worried about losing my job. I’m off work for mental health reasons and I can’t even speak to my line manager and HR don’t want me to complain. Gas Lighting is a term I learned recently and I think it covers the situation. Just the thought of going back is akin to a punch in the throat and gut at the same time. The meds don’t feel like they help but I notice if I miss a day. It’s not like I enjoy the work anymore, or have friends there to support my return. But good jobs are rare in this neck of the woods. My head doesn’t feel like my own.
I can certainly understand that dichotomy of being deathly afraid of losing something that is kinda necessary, but causes extreme stress too. I hope this ends up working out OK for you.
Costs of stress at work aren't really understood by management who can use their ambitions & drive as a coping strategy. If you've lost co-workers to suicide, it starts to become clear. there really are lots of options...but the trap is that you cannot see them while in this sort of state. Take the time off to focus on coping strategies...even if it seems they dont work anymore. This one is my favorite if it helps you:
Butters, couldn't you perhaps find a way to speak with your line manager in private and explain the situation to him/her? Or maybe you could explain in a letter?
I've experienced less-than-friendly workplaces before, but it really does sound like people actively try to make things difficult on you. I'm sure this makes it worse than just normal uncomfortable work experiences. You mention possibly going freelance in another thread. I sure hope you're able to do this and maintain a living. Working sporadically can be stressful at times, but once you establish yourself, you could be the happiest you've ever been.
I spoke to my manager. Told them how close I was to breaking under the work load and timescales and he /she said they knew, but that’s how it is, and then warned of the consequences if I did break. All with a friendly smile of course. I cannot work with this person. When i joined the department I was taken aside to be briefed on the office pariah, complete with “hilarious’ anecdotes of their indiscretions, so I knew then that I wasn’t going to fit in. I think maybe I was spoilt by the extraordinary amazing people I had the good fortune of working with elsewhere and my expectations are too high, but then again, the level of self importance and sheer smuggery on display there can’t be normal or healthy. Going freelance does scare me, but I have a number of skills I can sell online, and our biggest monthly outgoing, childcare, would no longer apply. I’m doing my due diligence now, but I can’t see that I could ever return to that place.
Great Britain seems to have a sufficient safety net during unemployment (at a glance anyway) and you have ideas for working freelance. Perhaps you should take a course in starting a company? That would be helpful even if you only want to work freelance. And it might give you a feeling of having control over your situation. That way you would also be prepared if you decide to quit your job in the future. I sometimes take on freelance web design work and I took such a course before I started. Sweden offers such courses for free, perhaps they do in GB too?
I still haven’t replied to work about my plan for going back. I’m not ready to go back, they’re rushing me. I’m in a constant state of panic about it and can’t decide how to proceed. ‘Please don’t feel any pressure to return, but what’s your return strategy? And when? Just for planning purposes. Can we meet?’ They say. No. I’m fucking Ill!
Are you in a Union or do you have a local Citizens Advice you could ask to put your mind at rest? Or could you get your GP to write a letter explaining you're not ready and that although, it's understandable they need to know when you'll return, at this point, you're not ready and unsure of a timeline and your recovery is being impeded by this hanging over you.
It creeps up on you, gradually, and suddenly. One day, you’re living your life, getting on with it, facing the challenges with confidence and relish, and then, you notice that you’re tired, your hair is grey, and the thought of another supportive email fills you with dread. You want to tell them how it is, but you can’t, you might make it worse somehow, and besides, if only you’d given it 300% instead of a mere 110, and taken it on the chin a few more times, none of this would have happened. Just take your tablets, bury that chin deep in your chest and go back there with your tail between your legs, and apologise for all the trouble you’ve caused. Piece of shit.