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May Challenge - v-mail of Importance

USS Fardell

Fleet Captain
Fleet Captain
A V-Mail of Importance (A Star Trek: A New Century short story and Star Trek: Anthology fiction) (A TrekBBS May '08 Challenge fiction)
16 May 2408
USS Enterprise NCC 1701 F – on patrol at the edge of Federation Space
“So the Captain is coming to the game?” asked Yolanda Hernandez, Lieutenant J.G. and Operations Manager of the Enterprise, said as she and Chief Conn Officer Lieutenant Samuel Lewis walked along a corridor on deck 7.
“He is, that is if the border remains quiet” Samuel said. They then stopped in front of the main door to Samuel's quarters.


“That is excellent, he needs to be more involved in crew activities, in my opinion, anyway, can I come in and talk about things further?” Yolanda asked, showing a slight nervousness at the end of the sentence, tucking some stray hairs behind her ear.


“Any other time, yes, you can, however I received a message from an old school friend this morning, just before I went on shift, and I would like to view it alone, that is if you don't mind” Samuel said, whist figiting, normally he would be happy to have Yolanda in his quarters for a chat, as the friends they were, but he really wanted to watch the v-mail he had received by himself.


“That is ok, I'll see you at the holodeck?” Yolanda asked.


“Absolutely, see you there, see ya” Samuel said, he turned to the quarters door which then opened. Yolanda then continued towards her own quarters, further down the hall.


Samuel sat down at his personal console, and relaxed.


“Computer, play message 'New Victoria' from Karen Allenby” he said.


Affirmative” the computer said.


The video started playing, Samuel could see Karen sitting in her new house in the University Quarter of New Melbourne, the capital of New Victoria.


Hi Samuel, thankyou for your message in reply to my earlier v-mail about my move to New Victoria, it has given me great encouragement in this new environment I find myself in. I certainly needed it.
How goes you? I know that the Enterprise would remain on the border for the forseeable future, a not exactly exciting time, I know you joined Starfleet to explore. Anyhow I digress, how are your friends, I remember that you spoke of Lieutenant Hernandez and the hijincks you get up to with her.”


Samuel started at that, not exactly hijinks per-se, but certainly acting like university students, not exactly the way protocol stated that Starfleet officers were meant to behave (the captain tolerated this, because he and Hernandez were good officers, and had acted that way himself when he was a junior officer). He looked back at the screen, Karen had paused, she was sitting down on her lounge, with a picture of common Kamilaroi bird species on one side and a window showing a view of a suburb of New Melbourne.


Anyway I digress even further, you asked about my decision to move to New Victoria, about whether it was entirely the opportunity to study animals that are part of a biosphere that has barely been studied, about whether I felt that I needed to leave New Australia, as a result of many things that have happened over the last year.
I answer that yes, it was not just the opportunity of a lifetime, to take the position at the University of New Victoria, although that was certainly a great impetus, although I had told my supervisor at UNA that I would get back to him within 3 days, I replied to him at the end of the next day. After I got home that afternoon I thought about what I had undergone, not just getting stuck in a Mohrpsug for most of a night, or meeting some of my alternate selves or being stuck in the past for a few days, in the past few years.

I had never been away from New Australia, in real world, I felt confined on New Australia, that I had not experienced things for the way they really are, and though New Australia is diverse, it is not very cosmopolitan by the average standards of the Federation. As soon as I arrived in New Melbourne I could see people of many more different species and ways of life than I ever had anywhere on New Australia, or in my experiences in the virtu-verses.
I knew as soon as I had arrived that I had made the right decision. As for why you had not heard me say anything about this before, I guess that I had buried this feeling of being confined deep within my mind, and when I was made aware of the vacant zoologist position here, I became aware of it, and I knew that I had to take it.

It was hard saying goodbye to my family and friends of course, and I had very long farewells with my family members in particular, and I am certain that I will miss being on New Australia, it was my home, most definitely, I just knew that this was a good idea. Of course I was nervous when I arrived, as I told you in my previous communication, and it took me a while to settle in, I am still settling in.

Anyway I had best finish up now, you know how I ramble on when I am on a roll, and I feel like I am on a roll, I could possibly go on for hours. I hope to hear from you soon Samuel.”
Samuel could then see Karen stiffening up her posture.
From your good friend Kazza Allenby, see-ya”


The message then ended fading out to a heraldic symbol that Karen had designed for herself, when then faded to the symbol of the University of New Victoria.


Samuel thought, Karen certainly had given him a lot to think about, she had never talked about being confined on New Australia before, but then again she did say that she must have had held that in. He deactivated the console, and went over to look at the starfeild outside his quarters window.
It was still over an hour before the soccer game started on the holodeck. 'I will get ready soon' he thought, but first he would think about the possible changes in his friend, with whom he had gotten close to in high school, and possibly in himself.
 
A V-Mail of Importance (A Star Trek: A New Century short story and Star Trek: Anthology fiction) (A TrekBBS May '08 Challenge fiction)
16 May 2408
USS Enterprise NCC 1701 F – on patrol at the edge of Federation Space
“So the Captain is coming to the game?” asked Yolanda Hernandez, Lieutenant J.G. and Operations Manager of the Enterprise, said as she and Chief Conn Officer Lieutenant Samuel Lewis walked along a corridor on deck 7.
“He is, that is if the border remains quiet” Samuel said. They then stopped in front of the main door to Samuel's quarters.


“That is excellent, he needs to be more involved in crew activities, in my opinion, anyway, can I come in and talk about things further?” Yolanda asked, showing a slight nervousness at the end of the sentence, tucking some stray hairs behind her ear.


“Any other time, yes, you can, however I received a message from an old school friend this morning, just before I went on shift, and I would like to view it alone, that is if you don't mind” Samuel said, whist figiting, normally he would be happy to have Yolanda in his quarters for a chat, as the friends they were, but he really wanted to watch the v-mail he had received by himself.


“That is ok, I'll see you at the holodeck?” Yolanda asked.


“Absolutely, see you there, see ya” Samuel said, he turned to the quarters door which then opened. Yolanda then continued towards her own quarters, further down the hall.


Samuel sat down at his personal console, and relaxed.


“Computer, play message 'New Victoria' from Karen Allenby” he said.


Affirmative” the computer said.


The video started playing, Samuel could see Karen sitting in her new house in the University Quarter of New Melbourne, the capital of New Victoria.


Hi Samuel, thankyou for your message in reply to my earlier v-mail about my move to New Victoria, it has given me great encouragement in this new environment I find myself in. I certainly needed it.
How goes you? I know that the Enterprise would remain on the border for the forseeable future, a not exactly exciting time, I know you joined Starfleet to explore. Anyhow I digress, how are your friends, I remember that you spoke of Lieutenant Hernandez and the hijincks you get up to with her.”


Samuel started at that, not exactly hijinks per-se, but certainly acting like university students, not exactly the way protocol stated that Starfleet officers were meant to behave (the captain tolerated this, because he and Hernandez were good officers, and had acted that way himself when he was a junior officer). He looked back at the screen, Karen had paused, she was sitting down on her lounge, with a picture of common Kamilaroi bird species on one side and a window showing a view of a suburb of New Melbourne.


Anyway I digress even further, you asked about my decision to move to New Victoria, about whether it was entirely the opportunity to study animals that are part of a biosphere that has barely been studied, about whether I felt that I needed to leave New Australia, as a result of many things that have happened over the last year.
I answer that yes, it was not just the opportunity of a lifetime, to take the position at the University of New Victoria, although that was certainly a great impetus, although I had told my supervisor at UNA that I would get back to him within 3 days, I replied to him at the end of the next day. After I got home that afternoon I thought about what I had undergone, not just getting stuck in a Mohrpsug for most of a night, or meeting some of my alternate selves or being stuck in the past for a few days, in the past few years.

I had never been away from New Australia, in real world, I felt confined on New Australia, that I had not experienced things for the way they really are, and though New Australia is diverse, it is not very cosmopolitan by the average standards of the Federation. As soon as I arrived in New Melbourne I could see people of many more different species and ways of life than I ever had anywhere on New Australia, or in my experiences in the virtu-verses.
I knew as soon as I had arrived that I had made the right decision. As for why you had not heard me say anything about this before, I guess that I had buried this feeling of being confined deep within my mind, and when I was made aware of the vacant zoologist position here, I became aware of it, and I knew that I had to take it.

It was hard saying goodbye to my family and friends of course, and I had very long farewells with my family members in particular, and I am certain that I will miss being on New Australia, it was my home, most definitely, I just knew that this was a good idea. Of course I was nervous when I arrived, as I told you in my previous communication, and it took me a while to settle in, I am still settling in.

Anyway I had best finish up now, you know how I ramble on when I am on a roll, and I feel like I am on a roll, I could possibly go on for hours. I hope to hear from you soon Samuel.”
Samuel could then see Karen stiffening up her posture.
From your good friend Kazza Allenby, see-ya”


The message then ended fading out to a heraldic symbol that Karen had designed for herself, when then faded to the symbol of the University of New Victoria.


Samuel thought, Karen certainly had given him a lot to think about, she had never talked about being confined on New Australia before, but then again she did say that she must have had held that in. He deactivated the console, and went over to look at the starfeild outside his quarters window.
It was still over an hour before the soccer game started on the holodeck. 'I will get ready soon' he thought, but first he would think about the possible changes in his friend, with whom he had gotten close to in high school, and possibly in himself.

I liked this story, even though I don't really know the characters at all. Do you have a link to the other parts of the story? I really enjoy stories where there are new characters who are fleshed out and it seems you have done that quite well.

Rob
Scorpio
 
You do not speak English as a first language. This becomes apparent in the phrasing of your dialogue. While I liked what you were doing here it was very difficult to "get into" because your phrasing was, hmm, peculiar. Try not to repeat yourself in the same sentence and cut sentences shorter. As my old English professor used to say: "One idea per sentence and you can't go wrong." It was still a strong concept-any complaints are about mechanics, not creativity.
 
Robert Scorpio, it really isn't necessary to quote an entire story in order to comment on it. It looks sort of 'spammy'. Could you stop, please? Thanks.
 
i'm sorry if you're not a native english speaker, but i seriously can't read that because the punctuation is completely rubbish. you also made several spelling mistakes (including hi-jinks and fidgetting) and that sets my teeth on edge, to say nothing about your somewhat bizarre dialogue...
 
I am a native English speaker, it is just that my strengths lie in science, not in literature and the phrasology of dialogue, but I try my best.
 
You do not speak English as a first language. This becomes apparent in the phrasing of your dialogue. While I liked what you were doing here it was very difficult to "get into" because your phrasing was, hmm, peculiar. Try not to repeat yourself in the same sentence and cut sentences shorter. As my old English professor used to say: "One idea per sentence and you can't go wrong." It was still a strong concept-any complaints are about mechanics, not creativity.


As I have said, I do speak English as a first Language. The only other language I speak is extremely poor high school French.


Back on topic: Maybe the complaint is not about me; but rather about the character? It could be that the character is rambling on in her sentences, barely pausing for breaks, (though the recipient of her message can still understand her). Maybe she is peculiar. She could be an academic recluse, she could have a form of Aspergers.


Or perhaps I need a beta reader, I will start looking for one...
 
Chris,

I wasn't trying to slam you-but I seriously doubted that English was your first language due to the unusual sentence phrasing. A trick I use when writing dialogue-I say it aloud. If it sounds funny or if I find that it doesn't come off of the tongue naturally I keep re-stating it until it sounds right. If you need an example:
I am certain that I will miss being on New Australia, it was my home, most definitely, I just knew that this was a good idea. Of course, I was nervous when I arrived, as I told you in my previous communication, and it took me a while to settle in, I am still settling in.

Try this:I am certain I will miss being on New Australia, it was most definitely my home. I just knew this was a good idea.Of course I was nervous when I arrived, as I told you in my previous communication.I am still settling in.

See the flow difference? That's what had David F grinding his teeth. Say it aloud and you can hear it, that's my advice. (shrugs) Of course, we all do what we want.
 
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