The ship groaned and screamed as two more Romulan vessels turned to pound the Legacy-Class Exeter NCC 1706-E. The bridge was bathed in the glow of damaged consoles, the standard status lighting had long since been dispatched. ODN/EPS conduits and their couplings embered and sparked from repeated assaults. Kirk took-over at Tactical. Beta Shift Tactical Officer, 33 year old Ensign Jason Hauck, had been incapacitated as a result of a piece of the Master Situation Display embedding itself in his back from the initial volley. He was going to live but he'd be honorably discharged from Starfleet from the extent of the damage. Dr. Pulaski had done everything she could for him. She patched him up as best she could with their remaining technology in the secondary infirmary, that hadn't been sucked into open space. The Romulans had the Exeter's crew down to impulse speed and rations. Admiral Tomolok had them in the D'Deredex-Class cruiser's sights but continued to toy with them. Kick them in the ass and watch them run, despite the fact the IRV Soul-Hunter & IRV Javelin were hardly exerting their engines or respective armouries. Five days of this. They wouldn't have even known it was them, had his XO Riker not taken the Captain's Yacht out to see who was running roughshod all over his ship. Just a few minutes out of the dedicated launch bay, its sensors caught an opportunistic glance at a Warbird but it retreated into a gas cloud. Riker hailled the warbird and surprised the ship's commander. A predatory smile crept over the alien's face. "Riker? I thought you were still with the Enterprise." Riker kept his composure as he'd never met this alien, but apparently his Titan-based doppelganger had. The Exeter crept up behind the warbird and decloaked, sending the warbird into a slight pivot with a shot from the Exeter's upgraded dreadnought-style phaser cannon as the warbird dropped its shields. Tomolok had ordered an attempt to draw the Arrow-Class shuttle into its cargobay and beam Tom aboard. The warbird sat temporarily adrift as the Exeter knocked the wind out of Tomolok's vessel, canceling its transporter grip on Tom, whom jumped to the runabout's controls.
It fit the challenge and it was gripping-too short, though, I want to read more-I barely grabbed onto who "Tom" was.
I too thought the pace was a bit rushed here, especially for the apparent scope of this battle. Exeter appears to have been able to turn the tide but I'm a bit at a loss how and why. Maybe we'll find out in the conclusion. Also, considering that your introducing a number of familiar characters in unfamiliar roles, a bit of a setup could have helped.
I'll see what I can do on Friday as I have to work a few afternoon half-day shifts on wednesday & Thursday. Glad you liked it, by the way.
Old Calendar Date: 6 December 2380 Stardate: 57424.01 About nine months ago, Captain James T. Kirk, formerly of the Constitution-Class Enterprise, had been coaxed from semi-retirement as a Guest Speaker / Instructor at Starfleet Academy when the assignment as Captain of the Exeter came-up. He'd been living quietly at the Kirk Family Estate on Chal, tending to his horses and grieving the fairly-recent loss of his son, Joseph. The boy had scarcely turned-back the threat to The Federation when he'd been absorbed (and assumed lost) to a non-corporeal collection of beings from beyond the Galactic Barrier -- The Totality. According to some at Starfleet Command, Kirk's best years were behind him and they were prepared to leave Jim permanently lassoed to a desk job. But, behind closed doors, Will Riker of the Enterprise-E, his father Kyle Riker, & Will's friend Miles O'Brien were working closely with DS9's Garak (of the Cardassian Union,) to have (Will's transporter duplicate) Lieutenant Thomas Riker re-patriated from his prison on Lazon II, back to The Federation. Those efforts would result in a successful release of the formerly Maquis agent to The Federation where he'd be put to work as Kirk's Executive Officer. They'd be keeping an eye on developments in the newly established "Typhon Pact", effectively promising the government on Cardassia via The Starfleet Diplomatic Corps that Thomas would be as far from being a nuisance to the Cardassians as possible. Especially if they agreed to release him in exchange for Starfleet's assistance with the Andak (Horticultural) Project. The Dominion War had severely depleted their stocks of deserving officers with the kind of people skills and general charisma that would compel a Federation Crew to follow orders from both Starfleet Command and their Captains, respectively. Jim wasn't thrilled with Starfleet's choice of personnel to saddle him with. A protege in search of redemption, let alone one subtly associated with the name Enterprise. News of his resurrection had The Klingon Empire salivating at the prospective opportunities to take him out and satisfy generations of Blood Oaths. Ever since Kirk & his crew stole and shot around Earth's sun with a "borrowed" bird-of-prey. "Borrowed" right out from under the noses of its crew, among other "attacks on the empire". Jim had just been informed of Spock's assasination on Romulus within the last three weeks. He wasn't agreeable with being slotted with a fool's errand - babysitting Thomas Riker. But he was eventually swayed when Kyle Riker needled him into helping a father and son. And when that scarcely made a dent in Jim's ablative armor, insisted that he give Tom a chance to help them both shove something in the face of their respective detractors at Starfleet Headquarters. Jim relented. A decision he was currently regretting as Romulan D'Deredex-Class cruisers were (again) maneuvering into optimum range to pelt their bridge, nacelles, pylons and impulse engines with disruptor bolts and torpedoes. The replacement tactical officer, an Edosian named Patel read off the final stats from a securely-interfaced PADD, before Kirk gave the word to get on the turbolift with him. "Shields at 10% and falling, sir. Aft ventral phasers are toast, sir. I've tried rotating frequencies several times randomly, but they're -- somehow -- figuring out a way around it each time. Torpedoes almost completely exausted. Main power at three point two one per-cent. Switching to auxiliary power." Kirk ordered the crew to the Battle Bridge and locked out the controls, waiting at the turbolift until the last of the retrievable casualties were en-route to a holographic doctor before personally taking the last car below-decks.
Tom was helping the casualties get emergency systems back up and running. Weapons. Shields. Low warp speed would help, but that would require replicating an entire structural integrity system that had last been seen two days ago. They'd just entered the edge of Romulan Space toward minor powers alleged to be members of 'The Typhon Pact' when the Exeter had begun being 'shadowed' like sharks circling a prospective victim. Kirk and the Exeter were specifically asked not to interfere with anyone on their long range sensors in any way, just observe and report while keeping the peace. Starfleet had agreed to send ships to respond to distress calls where local assets were unreliably stretched. Several non-aligned (formerly Tholian, Tzinkethi, Cardassian, Romulan, & Klingon,) worlds that had declared their independance, were being 'raided' since the Jem Hadar had withdrawn back through the Bajoran Wormhole.
Your story doesn't really flow. I'm actually slightly confused as to where it begins. Is it with the 2nd part totally from Kirk's POV or with the initial piece? Given the theme I'm guessing the initial piece is the end of the story. If that is so then your story just jumps randomly about from Riker doing repairs and talking about Jem'Hadar to flying about in a shuttle. Here are some other things I picked up: *Kirk knows who their attackers are in his second section, yet in the initial piece (if it is the ending) Riker only finds out right at the end after 5 days of fighting. *You refer to the tactical officer as Patel in the new parts but in the original the character is named after you. *You have the battle going for five days by the time we jump in and Kirk replacing an officer that was injured in the "initial volley". Then you jump to the future to tell us his eventual fate, which also in turn tells us that the Exeter survives and gets home for him to be discharged. *As CeJay mention in the initial piece the battle doesn't make much sense with the Exeter getting hammer by two ships, in the sights of a third and then suddenly it's alone, cloaked and able to sneak up on the vessel that had it lined up. It would also help to put the story together in a single post (if possible), especially if the order the parts appear in the thread is not the order they occur in the story.
Old Calendar Date: 6 December 2380 Stardate: 57424.01 About nine months ago, Captain James T. Kirk, formerly of the Constitution-Class Enterprise, had been coaxed from semi-retirement as a Guest Speaker / Instructor at Starfleet Academy when the assignment as Captain of the Exeter came-up. He'd been living quietly at the Kirk Family Estate on Chal, tending to his horses and grieving the fairly-recent loss of his son, Joseph. The boy had scarcely turned-back the threat to The Federation when he'd been absorbed (and assumed lost) to a non-corporeal collection of beings from beyond the Galactic Barrier -- The Totality. According to some at Starfleet Command, Kirk's best years were behind him and they were prepared to leave Jim permanently lassoed to a desk job. But, behind closed doors, Will Riker of the Enterprise-E, his father Kyle Riker, & Will's friend Miles O'Brien were working closely with DS9's Garak (of the Cardassian Union,) to have (Will's transporter duplicate) Lieutenant Thomas Riker re-patriated from his prison on Lazon II, back to The Federation. Those efforts would result in a successful release of the formerly Maquis agent to The Federation where he'd be put to work as Kirk's Executive Officer. They'd be keeping an eye on developments in the newly established "Typhon Pact", effectively promising the government on Cardassia via The Starfleet Diplomatic Corps that Thomas would be as far from being a nuisance to the Cardassians as possible. Especially if they agreed to release him in exchange for Starfleet's assistance with the Andak (Horticultural) Project. The Dominion War had severely depleted their stocks of deserving officers with the kind of people skills and general charisma that would compel a Federation Crew to follow orders from both Starfleet Command and their Captains, respectively. Jim wasn't thrilled with Starfleet's choice of personnel to saddle him with. A protege in search of redemption, let alone one subtly associated with the name Enterprise. News of his resurrection had The Klingon Empire salivating at the prospective opportunities to take him out and satisfy generations of Blood Oaths. Ever since Kirk & his crew stole and shot around Earth's sun with a "borrowed" bird-of-prey. "Borrowed" right out from under the noses of its crew, among other "attacks on the empire". Jim had just been informed of Spock's assasination on Romulus within the last three weeks. He wasn't agreeable with being slotted with a fool's errand - babysitting Thomas Riker. But he was eventually swayed when Kyle Riker needled him into helping a father and son. And when that scarcely made a dent in Jim's ablative armor, insisted that he give Tom a chance to help them both shove something in the face of their respective detractors at Starfleet Headquarters. Jim relented. A decision he was currently regretting as Romulan D'Deredex-Class cruisers were (again) maneuvering into optimum range to pelt their bridge, nacelles, pylons and impulse engines with disruptor bolts and torpedoes. Kirk took-over at Tactical. Beta Shift Tactical Officer, 33 year old Ensign Jason Hauck, had been incapacitated as a result of a piece of the Master Situation Display embedding itself in his back from the initial volley. He was going to live but he'd be honorably discharged from Starfleet from the extent of the damage. Dr. Pulaski had done everything she could for him. She patched him up as best she could with their remaining technology in the secondary infirmary, that hadn't been sucked into open space. The Romulans had the Exeter's crew down to impulse speed and rations. Admiral Tomolok had them in the D'Deredex-Class cruiser's sights but continued to toy with them. Kick them in the ass and watch them run, despite the fact the IRV Soul-Hunter & IRV Javelin were hardly exerting their engines or respective armories. The replacement tactical officer, an Edosian named Patel read off the final stats from a securely-interfaced PADD, before Kirk gave the word to get on the turbolift with him. "Shields at 10% and falling, sir. Aft ventral phasers are toast, sir. I've tried rotating frequencies several times randomly, but they're -- somehow -- figuring out a way around it each time. Torpedoes almost completely exausted. Main power at three point two one per-cent. Switching to auxiliary power." Kirk ordered the crew to the Battle Bridge and locked out the controls, waiting at the turbolift until the last of the retrievable casualties were en-route to a holographic doctor before personally taking the last car below-decks. Tom was helping the casualties get emergency systems back up and running. Weapons. Shields. Low warp speed would help, but that would require replicating an entire structural integrity system that had last been seen two days ago. They'd just entered the edge of Romulan Space toward minor powers alleged to be members of 'The Typhon Pact' when the Exeter had begun being 'shadowed' like sharks circling a prospective victim. Kirk and the Exeter were specifically asked not to interfere with anyone on their long range sensors in any way, just observe and report while keeping the peace. Starfleet had agreed to send ships to respond to distress calls where local assets were unreliably stretched. Several non-aligned (formerly Tholian, Tzinkethi, Cardassian, Romulan, & Klingon,) worlds that had declared their independance, were being 'raided' since the Jem Hadar had withdrawn back through the Bajoran Wormhole. Five days of this. They wouldn't have even known it was them, had his XO Riker not taken the Captain's Yacht out on Day One to see who was running roughshod all over his ship. Just a few minutes out of the dedicated launch bay, its sensors caught an opportunistic glance at a Warbird but it retreated into a gas cloud. Riker hailled the warbird and surprised the ship's commander. A predatory smile crept over the alien's face. "Riker? I thought you were still with the Enterprise." Riker kept his composure as he'd never met this alien, but apparently his Titan-based doppelganger had. The Captain's Yacht had relayed the position of the warbird to the Exeter via compressed databurst the second it cleared the edge of the gas cloud. The Exeter crept up behind the warbird and decloaked, sending the warbird into a slight pivot with a shot from the Exeter's upgraded dreadnought-style phaser cannon as the warbird dropped its shields. Tomolok had ordered pursuit-&-capture of the Arrow-Class shuttle, and to beam Tom aboard. The warbird sat temporarily adrift as the Exeter knocked the wind out of Tomolok's vessel, canceling its transporter grip on Tom, whom jumped to the runabout's controls.
Dude..is this a stand alone story? Or do you have stories that take place in the SHATNERVERSE? IF you do I'd love to read them!! But if this is a pilot I will read this too... I'm liking it dog!!! Oh..and NAISSANCE Is back over at AD ASTRA jason..don't forget..YOU are in that story... Rob
Rob: a stand-alone story set in my "Star Trek: Exeter" universe, based on 'The Shatnerverse'. Am I now? *grins*
I will definately read more of those....I didn't know anyone was doing fanfic over in Shatner's mind....they better be good, or GOD (Shatner himself) may strike you down!!!! Rob
Well, I've always hated the fact that the Shatnerverse got slagged by the majority of readers of "Captain's Glory", "The Return", et al. I wanted Kirk back in the center seat of the Enterprise-E, but, Diane Carey already had Morgan Bateson of the Bozeman there, first, in "Ship Of The Line". So, I had to think of a viable/feasible X.O. & a mission that Starfleet would need a dependable crew for. TrekBBS helped me with the "Typhon Pact" idea & then I realized that Thomas Riker would be a good X.O. in search of redemption from DS9's canon "Defiant" episode which results in Thomas Riker on Lazon II. Kirk would be given the Exeter & discretely shoved out of the way of the Klingons obligated by generations of Blood Oaths and Romulans that are still salivating at the idea of taking Kirk down...PERMANENTLY, this time & picking his brain for "Genesis" information, among other possible threats. BUT, I'd hate to borrow dialogue from NAISSANCE. I'd like to copy the arguement about Eddington & The Maquis (with your permission to plagerize that arguement, before Kirk & Riker are given the Legacy-Class USS Exeter by Janeway or Admiral Paris or someone else at Starfleet Command.) In addition to a co-author credit, of-course. "Star Trek: Exeter" Story/Concept by Jason K. Hauck & Robert Scorpio Otherwise, I'm kinda stuck for now.
Go for it...I'll read anything with Shatner/Kirk even remotely involved...no need to credit me since it is pretty much an original idea of yours.. Rob
Now that I've read the Ro Laren thread, I'm wondering if there would be room for an on-again/off-again romance between (Exeter's X.O.) Thomas Riker & (DS9 Chief of Security) Ro, as cameo/x-over appearances between "Relaunch DS9" & Exeter?
Ro and Thomas would make a great couple..I think I paired them up in one of my stories...i did..the "ESSIANS" storyline...they were made for each other!!! Rob