Is it okay for people to live together before getting married?
- Thread starter Puritan
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Persons are, of course, free to act as they choose. I wouldn't feel comfortable living with someone before marriage, unless we were living as roommates, not as a couple. (We could very well be a couple at the time, but would need to live at least somewhat apart within our shared house or apartment - like we would with someone we weren't dating.)
(i) I grew up on a farm from 0-2, in Eugene, Oregon (a hippie-influenced city) from 2-13, and on a naval base north of Chicago from 14-19.
(ii) I am athiest.
(iii) What seems natural to me in behavior is very similar to that seen a code-era romance, or some turn-of-the-millenium dramas (Holiday Inn or An Ideal Husband might be good examples of what I mean). I'm very concerned with proper action (not necessarily to a social norm, but proper). I can't conceive of being physically involved with someone without being emotionally involved, too. Even then, the physical is wholly an extension of the emotional.
I am politically liberal, but personally conservative.
(i) I grew up on a farm from 0-2, in Eugene, Oregon (a hippie-influenced city) from 2-13, and on a naval base north of Chicago from 14-19.
(ii) I am athiest.
(iii) What seems natural to me in behavior is very similar to that seen a code-era romance, or some turn-of-the-millenium dramas (Holiday Inn or An Ideal Husband might be good examples of what I mean). I'm very concerned with proper action (not necessarily to a social norm, but proper). I can't conceive of being physically involved with someone without being emotionally involved, too. Even then, the physical is wholly an extension of the emotional.
I am politically liberal, but personally conservative.
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I don't care if people live together before they get married.
1. Amana, Iowa
2. Agnostic
3. For about 95% of things if someone is doing something and it's no illegal, infringing on anyone rights or bothering me I say live and let live. Of course there are a few things I hate and don't think anyone should do (Scientology is probably the biggest).
1. Amana, Iowa
2. Agnostic
3. For about 95% of things if someone is doing something and it's no illegal, infringing on anyone rights or bothering me I say live and let live. Of course there are a few things I hate and don't think anyone should do (Scientology is probably the biggest).
Yes, of course. That's how they learn if they're compatible on a day-to-day basis.
(i) Annapolis/MD/USA
(ii) Not at all
(iii) being a reasonable person*
*(iv) I love bullet pointed lists!**
**(v) Seriously, I love them.
Yeah, it's OK in almost every sense of the word. Marriage is a choice because you want to be married. People who are seriously dating or roommates would be fine (I wouldn't recommend it if you've only recently started dating, though).
1. I've grown up in the Philly suburbs
2. I'm a little bit religious, although I don't explicitly consider myself part of any religious denomination
3. I guess the main factor in determining this is simply looking at people around me. I've seen people who move together while dating and it destroys their relationship and I've seen people who have lived together for decades without technically marrying. For me, marriage is a separate relationship that usually involves living together, but isn't a requirement for living together.
1. I've grown up in the Philly suburbs
2. I'm a little bit religious, although I don't explicitly consider myself part of any religious denomination
3. I guess the main factor in determining this is simply looking at people around me. I've seen people who move together while dating and it destroys their relationship and I've seen people who have lived together for decades without technically marrying. For me, marriage is a separate relationship that usually involves living together, but isn't a requirement for living together.
Yes, I think it's fairly harmless. But I don't think it can be equally applied to all couples. With some, it might be okay. Some others, not so much...
(i) Omaha, NE, USA
(ii) I don't know what "how religious" means. I have my beliefs and stick by them, if that helps. (I'm Lutheran, BTW.) I don't consider living together before marriage to be in any way against God. He never said not to. I don't think the Bible does either; if it does, feel free to quote chapter and verse.
(iii) There are certain things I'm not ready for personally (you all know what those are), but which I wouldn't tell other people they couldn't do.
(iv) I also love bullet pointed lists.
(i) Omaha, NE, USA
(ii) I don't know what "how religious" means. I have my beliefs and stick by them, if that helps. (I'm Lutheran, BTW.) I don't consider living together before marriage to be in any way against God. He never said not to. I don't think the Bible does either; if it does, feel free to quote chapter and verse.
(iii) There are certain things I'm not ready for personally (you all know what those are), but which I wouldn't tell other people they couldn't do.
(iv) I also love bullet pointed lists.
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I don't think it's a wise idea to live together before marriage for both spiritual and practical reasons.
1) All over the US; military brat. Northeast first, Southeast when I got older.
2) Christian, specifically United Methodist
3) I expect some will get the impression, based upon my religion, that my position is based upon some sort of blanket and unthinking hatred for those who do not agree with me. This could not be further from the truth. I do indeed believe it is morally wrong; however, this is a reasoned and considered position and I do not say it because I wish to look down on others and condemn people. I take no joy in that.
I believe that people are more than just toys to be tried and taken back to the store if they don't work right. As Cicero points out, a relationship is not just the physical involvement. It is spiritual and emotional involvement as well. And the power of that is not to be trifled with because when that bond is disrupted or severed, it takes a terrible toll not just upon you, but upon the other person as well. As a woman I am not willing to give something of myself that I believe entails a lifelong bond, upon a whim. Just the same...I believe that it would be extremely callous and disrespectful of me to think of men in such a disposable manner as well. I know men are very different from women in a lot of ways and that a lot of them talk very flippantly about women and sex, but that doesn't justify behaving the same way in return. Men are not there to be played with and just thrown away any more than women are. Whether or not they like to talk about it or not, their essential humanity, and the evidence I've seen in the good men that I've known is that the breaking of a relationship hurts them very deeply as well.
Also, I have personally witnessed such relationships cause a LOT of hardship and heartache when they fall through, which could have been avoided had the couple been dating WITHOUT moving into the same place. When a relationship goes sour, becomes abusive, or otherwise unworkable, having pooled your resources makes the needed separation all that much more difficult and the person suffering in that relationship just suffers longer because of it. Often we are used to seeing the victim of this as the woman, but I am sure men suffer from it as well. Living together, you become dependent upon each other and breaking that dependence does not come easy. And I'm not just talking about who is the bigger breadwinner or property owner, either, the logistics of getting new furniture or housing after you've broken up with someone you lived with. I am also talking about the emotional dependence that comes from opening your entire life to someone in that way only to be betrayed.
I think that people can do whatever they wish, but it has been my experience that most people who live together without making a formal commitment to each other often break up with a year or two. So, ideally, I think it would be better NOT to "shack up" unless you both plan to eventually marry or be common-law spouses.
i) I spent my formative years in Northern California.
ii) I'm an atheist
iii)Most of the people I know who have lived with people without first making a formal commitment (eg, being engaged, planning to marry, or be common-law spouses) broke up--usually leaving the woman high and dry.
Cow. Free milk. You know the story.
Another thing you and I have in common, Cicero!
I'd say it's insane to NOT live with someone before getting married.
1) Chicago suburbs/Quad Cities
2) Not religious enough to put a label on it
3) Living with someone can be a totally different dynamic than not living with them. Unless you live together first, you have no idea how it will go. It would suck to get married, THEN move in, and realize the two of you can't handle it.
1) Chicago suburbs/Quad Cities
2) Not religious enough to put a label on it
3) Living with someone can be a totally different dynamic than not living with them. Unless you live together first, you have no idea how it will go. It would suck to get married, THEN move in, and realize the two of you can't handle it.
How is a woman "high and dry" after living with someone for a "year or two". What, did she give up her ability to be self- sufficient and supporting? That would strike me as both pathetic and stupid, and also? Stupid. Her fault. Losers and idiots lose in life, and that is not basis upon which others should base theirs. If two people can not stand living together for a year or two, then they sure as shit should not be signing any contracts obligating them to do so for the rest of their lives.
I am recently married, and I can't even wrap my head around the notion of marrying somebody you've never lived with. 
I'm a Christian largely raised in Louisiana but I can't deny the merits of living with a significant other before marriage. I have an appreciation for the belief that there should be no copulation or cohabitation before marriage but realistically speaking, test driving the merchandise before making a lifelong commitment seems quite prudent. Curtains or blinds should be settled before the honeymoon.
Yeah, and they probably should.
(I) I spent my formative years in Northern Illinois, raised under the strict but loving care of my Indian immigrant parents.
(ii) I'm Hindu, fairly religious, and that's never really been a factor in this sort of situation.
(iii) I think that marriage is not for everyone, so it seems weird to expect those who choose not to get married to live apart forever. Moreover, while my husband and I sort of informally lived together during points of our relationship, I wish we had done so formally and openly prior to making some formal commitments. It may have caused others some grief, but it might have saved me from some of what I'm going through now.
Anyway, I've never had a moral problem with it and I would suggest people at least consider it before marriage. To each her own!
I have no problem with people choosing to live together before getting married. In fact, I think it's probably a smart idea.
i) I grew up in southern Ontario, Canada.
ii) I am agnostic.
iii) While cohabitation may not be for everyone, and it certainly isn't something that should be entered into lightly (like if you've only been dating for a couple months), I think it's a good way to test the waters. It can serve as a kind of preview of married life, and help people to determine if this person they're planning to wed is actually someone they want to live with for the rest of their life.
Also, as Kestra said, marriage is not for everyone either; some people (myself included) don't think it's necessary for two people in a committed relationship, so why shouldn't such individuals live together?
Yes, sometimes living together doesn't work out, and yes, sometimes people end up getting hurt, but the same is often true in marriages -- look at the high rates of divorce these days. Sometimes, relationships end -- that's life.
i) I grew up in southern Ontario, Canada.
ii) I am agnostic.
iii) While cohabitation may not be for everyone, and it certainly isn't something that should be entered into lightly (like if you've only been dating for a couple months), I think it's a good way to test the waters. It can serve as a kind of preview of married life, and help people to determine if this person they're planning to wed is actually someone they want to live with for the rest of their life.
Also, as Kestra said, marriage is not for everyone either; some people (myself included) don't think it's necessary for two people in a committed relationship, so why shouldn't such individuals live together?
Yes, sometimes living together doesn't work out, and yes, sometimes people end up getting hurt, but the same is often true in marriages -- look at the high rates of divorce these days. Sometimes, relationships end -- that's life.
Hell yes. You would not buy a car before taking it for a test drive, right? Same here....you gotta see if the goods are worth getting.
Plus there are some people, like me, not looking to get married anyhow. Living with a hottie(s) and not be married is fine.
Besides, marriage was orginally made as a way to exchange property, anyhow.
Plus there are some people, like me, not looking to get married anyhow. Living with a hottie(s) and not be married is fine.
Besides, marriage was orginally made as a way to exchange property, anyhow.
I lived with my husband for 17 years before we married, so, yeah, I think it's okay.
I grew up in the north of England in the 70s and 80s. I have no religious values, although I went to church as a kid.
I think the way I do because I grew up thinking that marriage was a pretty outdated pointless concept. I was into feminism and equal rights and all that stuff. I like being married.
I grew up in the north of England in the 70s and 80s. I have no religious values, although I went to church as a kid.
I think the way I do because I grew up thinking that marriage was a pretty outdated pointless concept. I was into feminism and equal rights and all that stuff. I like being married.
It depends upon the couple, where they live and the culture they were raised in..
Actually I have done both.. the living together thing for 2 years prior to getting married with my ex wife ,we were married for 22 years..
Now, with my new (and hopefully last) wife, I didn't live with her prior to marriage nor had sexual relations before either. It actually seems that we are much more compatible with each other perhaps because of the "discovery" of things about each other after marriage..
i ..as my father was attached to the Space Program during the mid 60s to the early 70s it was all over the country.Cocoa Beach Fla, Mountain View Ca. Medford Lakes New Jersey come to mind, After the program was cutback, my family settled in rural Northern California...
ii I am actually quite religious, and actually have read the entire Bible and see no contradictions between the Bible and science..One answers the spiritual world and the other the physical world..
iii I was in the USAF living in and travelling to many different parts of the world, hence perhaps I have a more enlightened eye towards other cultures and lifestyles.
Me and me other half have been living together for years so I dont have a problem with not being married.
1/ S. eastern UK
2/ not really religious
3/ niether of us intend to get married. (each others families are a little too over bearing as to which religon to follow) we're both happy with the way things are though at the same time we both have a certain respect for each others family religons
1/ S. eastern UK
2/ not really religious
3/ niether of us intend to get married. (each others families are a little too over bearing as to which religon to follow) we're both happy with the way things are though at the same time we both have a certain respect for each others family religons
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