Is it better to be sorry or to say you're sorry?

[farmkid]

My wife and kids and I came home from a family event the other day and in the process of bringing stuff into the house I accidentally broke one of my wife's fancy serving plates. It's one a good friend that we'll probably never see again gave to her so it had some significance. I feel terrible about it, but I didn't do a very good job of expressing how sorry I was. OTOH, as I've raised my children, my wife and I have tried teach our children manners and to say they're sorry, as most parents do. As any parent knows, however, they really aren't sorry, they're just saying it because they have to.

So, thinking of this, it got me wondering, which is better, or more important, to say your sorry but not mean it, or to actually be sorry, even if you don't express it well or at all? I don't really know the answer to this. Let's face it, we often say we're sorry when we really don't actually feel sorry. I can see the value to society of saying your're sorry when you aren't to maintain good relationships an social order, but how harmful is the insincerity?

 

[Robert Maxwell]

I think it's better for yourself if you mean it, but it does nothing for anyone else. I guess it depends on whose feelings are more important: yours, or those of the person you hurt.

 

[Roger Wilco]

It's not either or necessarily, is it? But usually I think saying it is more important. When I bump into someone in the subway I don't really give a shit but saying "sorry" anyway is the civil thing to do.

 

[Chaos Descending]

Obviously it's better to be actually sorry AND say it well, but short of that, it's kind of hard to place a value on which is better.

Not being sorry but saying it anyway is kind of dishonest and only makes you feel good, and being sorry but not expressing it well doesn't seem to do anyone any good.

Yeah, this is a toughie.

 

[farmkid]

It's not either or necessarily, is it? But usually I think saying it is more important. When I bump into someone in the subway I don't really give a shit but saying "sorry" anyway is the civil thing to do.

Of course it's not an either/or situation--it's obviously best to actually be sorry and to express it. I just thought it was in interesting question which is more important--the feeling or the expression.

 

[auntiehill]

As others have said, it depends on the situation.

For bumping into a complete stranger, you should say you're sorry, even if you don't particularly mean it, because it's the polite thing to do.

If you are concerned about the feelings of a loved one, I think you would be compelled to say it because you DO mean it. To NOT do so would make no sense, unless you really DON'T care about the feelings of your loved one.

 

[Kestra]

Better to be sorry. Unless it's a very superficial situation like mentioned above (bumping into someone) I think acting genuine is more important than being polite.

 

[Marten]

As long as they believe you are truly sorry, it doesn't matter if you are.

 

[RJDiogenes]

Well, sometimes people get upset over inexplicable things that it's impossible to feel sorry about, but it's still a good idea to say that you're sorry-- after all, you presumably feel sorry that they're upset even if you don't get the why.

Generally, the two things go together. It doesn't do the other person much good if you are sorry, but don't say anything. Nor does it mean much if you make an empty gesture.