Incoming Transmissions, by Miss Terious

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Laura Cynthia Chambers, Sep 27, 2017.

  1. Laura Cynthia Chambers

    Laura Cynthia Chambers Commodore Commodore

    Joined:
    Jun 1, 2016
    Location:
    Mississauga
    The Enterprise is certainly a beehive of activity - and not just because the yeomen are experimenting with new hairstyles. Here are just some of the whisperings overheard over the comms...

    First, a hearty welcome to all of our new transfers from the Lexington, the McGee and Starbase 88. They would respectfully like to inform the ship's betting pool that none of them have made the acquaintance of our captain previously. Better luck next time. 1

    Which medical man was recently caught doctoring his meal card to give himself an extra helping of peach pie? Apparently his vow to "do no harm" doesn't apply to his own waistline. 2

    Rumor has it that a certain young ensign is next in line for a promotion. This will be the latest of many accomplishments he can check off his list.

    It seems that an officer whom we believed to be one of Enterprise's most eligible bachelors may not be as free as a bird as one of our nightingales might wish. What other family secrets might our man of mystery be keeping? 3

    We respectfully request that our budding Irish tenor add some new songs to his repertoire. Perhaps let Kathleen see herself home this time? 4

    The owner of a green hoop earring would appreciate it if everyone kept an eye out for its mate. Last seen either in the officer's mess or the bowling alley. 5

    All hands, rest easy. The biology department has confirmed that the mysterious furry object spotted in main engineering this week was not a tribble, as previously believed. Our sincerest apologies to the Dimoran ambassador for this unfortunate misunderstanding. 6

    Rumors abound as to where our next shore leave will be taken. If the responses in our informal ballot box are any indication, top contenders include Denobula, Altair IV, Luna, and Russia. We suspect that this last selection in particular owes its popularity to a single individual, a theory which can be confirmed by a simple handwriting analysis run against ship's records. You have been warned.

    Our best wishes for a full recovery to our resident musketeer. Given the right lighting conditions, it's entirely possible to mistake a poisonous cactus for a sword-wielding marauder. Particularly if a member of the landing party comes up from behind you and yells, "en garde!" 7

    Anyone observed making air quotes, rolling their eyes, mouthing along with or snickering during the recording of the captain's log will be re-assigned to transporter testing duty as the test payload.

    Due to the success of the science department's recent Christmas party, the operations division has announced a Valentine's dance. It is our wish that the senior staff will be well represented at this function. 8

    Our thanks to the individual who left a plate of home-baked brownies in main engineering. They were all consumed with relish in short order. (To avoid straining the eyebrows of certain parties, we feel duty-bound to clarify that "relish" refers to enjoyment, not the condiment.) 9

    Lastly, please be advised that the communications department is well-versed in Pig Latin, American Sign Language, and Morse code. Resorting to these dialects cannot guarantee your privacy.

    Notes

    1) The Lexington is the ship Lt. Watley (Julian Bashir's maybe-possibly-probably-not ancestor who he meets in the Enterprise turbolift in Trials and Tribulations) just transferred off of. The McGee is named for Krista Abney McGee, author of the Anomaly series, and (as an afterthought) the USS Admiral John McGee, the name Ellie Bishop submitted for a new aircraft carrier, that of Tim McGee's dad.

    2) In The Corbomite Maneuver, McCoy changes Kirk's diet card to salad because Kirk was putting on a little weight. Double standard much?

    3) Rumors of Spock's less-than-singleness. A slight nod to TFF and DSC, too.

    4) Riley, Riley, Riley. The Naked Time's songster is still warbling.

    5) Guess who the owner is? Also, there is indeed a bowling alley on the Enterprise. (also mentioned by Riley in TNT)

    6) Dimorus, home to a species of "rodent things" that missed Kirk and shot Gary Mitchell with a poison dart instead. Never described, so I suppose it's furry.

    7) Poor Sulu. We learn of his sword prowess in TNT as well.

    8) Including Kirk? The science dept Christmas party is the one where he met Helen Noel.

    9) The English language is most illogical.
     
    DavidFalkayn, Cyfa and CeJay like this.
  2. Dulak

    Dulak Commander Red Shirt

    Joined:
    Jul 6, 2007
    Location:
    Pacific NW
    Nice to have a lighthearted reminder of TOS every once in a while.
     
  3. Cyfa

    Cyfa Captain Captain

    Joined:
    Dec 9, 2013
    Location:
    over the Cusp
    Funny stuff ! 6, "shore leave", and "transporter testing" particularly made me :lol:
    It strikes me that this Starship gossi- I mean, News, would also be a great entry for this month's Art Challenge if appropriately rendered...
     
  4. Laura Cynthia Chambers

    Laura Cynthia Chambers Commodore Commodore

    Joined:
    Jun 1, 2016
    Location:
    Mississauga
    @Cyfa Waaaayyy ahead of you. That's actually its genesis....
     
    Cyfa likes this.
  5. Laura Cynthia Chambers

    Laura Cynthia Chambers Commodore Commodore

    Joined:
    Jun 1, 2016
    Location:
    Mississauga
    Part 2!


    The cause of Tuesday's half-hour shipwide blackout has not yet been determined. Theories range from a minor phase fluctuation in environmental controls to an overload of the hand-held weapons charging unit. We have been able to confirm that all members of the ship's engineering and security departments are present and accounted for.

    Communications would like to remind you that their analytical programs are fully capable of distinguishing between actual static interference and crude imitations of same. You are not fooling anyone.

    Security's investigation into several reports of a non-corporeal life form wandering the halls in crew quarters last night was inconclusive. An inquiry into the disappearance of a bottle of contrast medium from the diagnostic lab is also ongoing.

    A petition has been circulating of late with the aim of designating the mess hall as the "tidy room", in the hopes that this will encourage patrons to maintain order and cleanliness therein. In retaliation, apparently, a similar document proposes that sickbay be re-christened "happy health land". As of this moment, the latter appears to be winning, much to the perturbation of certain parties.

    In response to a recent spate of misplaced objects, Security has instituted a lost-and-found box, which is located in the department office. Items can be retrieved at any time between 0800 and 1900 hours. As of now, our inventory includes a bottle of "Vulcanian blueberry juice" (hand-lettered label), two socks (one gray, one pink with a hole in the toe), and a paperback copy of The Prime Directive for Dummies (several passages underlined and annotated, most of the pages dog-eared). Please remember that this is a judgment-free zone; no snickering or name-calling.

    Sickbay wishes to remind everyone that annual physicals will commence next week, in accordance with Starfleet regulations. We wish to emphasize this last part for those who have been known in the past to regularly find methods of avoiding or delaying same. Examples of unacceptable excuses include illness (really?), birthdays, being assigned to a landing party, and "because".

    The personnel department respectfully wishes to remind all crewmembers that sudden changes in one's belief system must be logged in their database, along with other vital statistics. Of concern is the increasing trend among personnel of claiming allegiance to a people group whose holiday(s) happen to coincide with a training exercise or diplomatic excursion, only to disavow them immediately afterwards. We feel the need to stress this point, as the Adebian Hibernation Festival is almost upon us.

    Recent inquiries made to our historical database and confirmed by our contacts at Memory Alpha have established once and for all that Zephram Cochrane's real name was not in fact "Stefan Corsevich", despite claims to the contrary. We understand that the forfeit to be paid by the claimant consists of a week's re-assignment to the gamma shift hydraulics team. Hopefully, this stint will afford him a modicum of humility.

    In lieu of fielding questions personally, our first officer has asked us to assure you that Vulcan mind melds are only to be employed when extenuating circumstances warrant such measures. Determining whether someone is interested in pursuing a romantic relationship or the location of someone's secret stash of candy does not qualify.

    Specimens in the botany lab are to be organized by environmental requirements, not which ones have the most pleasing aromas; personal preferences are not objective. We have been informed, for instance, that Andorians consider the scent of roses to be akin to that produced by Mephitis mephitis, aka the striped skunk.

    In response to the disappearance of several engineering tools at our last port of call, mandatory baggage inspections have been instituted for all crewmembers departing the ship. Among the items absconded with include several power packs, two replacement prongs for a trident scanner, and the chief engineer's toothbrush.

    The captain would like to congratulate our crew for their significant contributions to Starfleet's annual (re)design a uniform contest. Notable entries include the beach variant, dress uniform lederhosen, and tie-dyed engineering jumpsuits. The introduction of tear-away sleeves would seem to have the inside track, however.

    Finally, after repeated requests from the beta shift maintenance team, the Jeffries tubes on deck seven have been cordoned off pending an investigation into alleged activities therein. They would like to remind you that there are several locations aboard ship more amenable to romantic rendezvouses, vocal exercises, and watching horror movies.

    1)The redshirts dodged a bullet this time.

    2) "Vulcanian blueberry juice" *snort* Someone should check under that "hand-lettered label". Also, care to guess who that book belongs to?

    3) Kirk's famous for avoiding these, apparently.

    4) Poor Pavel. Russia, Russia, Russia.

    5) To facilitate vaccinations or allow Captain Kirk to turn any duty shirt into a muscle shirt? You decide.
     
    DavidFalkayn likes this.
  6. DavidFalkayn

    DavidFalkayn Commodore Premium Member

    Joined:
    Dec 13, 2003
    Hilarious! :) Thanks for the laughs and the TOS fun! Poor Pavel....
     
  7. Bothat

    Bothat Cadet Newbie

    Joined:
    Mar 15, 2018
    Nice idea! I really enjoyed reading) I receive help from DoAHomework.com and now have some free time and would like to read something like this. I really like it!:hugegrin:
     
  8. Laura Cynthia Chambers

    Laura Cynthia Chambers Commodore Commodore

    Joined:
    Jun 1, 2016
    Location:
    Mississauga
    DavidFalkayn likes this.
  9. DavidFalkayn

    DavidFalkayn Commodore Premium Member

    Joined:
    Dec 13, 2003
    Thanks, I'll give it a looksee. Also, please feel free to post your story here if you haven't already done so--the more writers we have here, the better!
     
  10. Laura Cynthia Chambers

    Laura Cynthia Chambers Commodore Commodore

    Joined:
    Jun 1, 2016
    Location:
    Mississauga
    It's quite long- 21 chapters, 33,229 words.
     
  11. DavidFalkayn

    DavidFalkayn Commodore Premium Member

    Joined:
    Dec 13, 2003
    That's ok. Just post it in bite sized parts--that's what a lot of us do. "Shakedown Cruise" was 36, 296 words. We need more writers posting their stories. As more people post, I hope that we see more reviews and more writers and we get into a positive feedback circuit.
     
    SolarisOne likes this.
  12. Laura Cynthia Chambers

    Laura Cynthia Chambers Commodore Commodore

    Joined:
    Jun 1, 2016
    Location:
    Mississauga
    I've posted other stories like that, too.
     
    DavidFalkayn likes this.
  13. Sgt_G

    Sgt_G Commodore Commodore

    Joined:
    Jul 5, 2013
    Location:
    USA
    I'm working on a short story which just surpassed 17,000 words. I don't think it's a "short" story anymore. :cool: