I'm Crazy For Q - A Story in Eleven Endings

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Oddish, Apr 26, 2022.

  1. Oddish

    Oddish Admiral Admiral

    Joined:
    Sep 7, 2020
    Location:
    Kanto, Poké-World
    ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS: Special thanks to the unknown meme-author who inspired this "little opus". You will probably never read this, but I am grateful for your inspiration.


    The Starship Voyager, the bridge. For some mysterious AU reason, the entire crew is there, including both Seven and Kes.


    Q appears there with a flash of light.


    JANEWAY: "Q. What are you doing here?"


    Q: "I've chosen you to be the mother of my child, of course."


    JANEWAY: "I would like to have a child someday. But not with you."


    Q: "Why not?"


    JANEWAY: "I'm just not the right type of woman for you."


    Q: "If you do this for me, Kathy, I'll get Voyager home."


    JANEWAY: "No."


    Q: "Fine... since I am essentially genderless, there are lots of other choices available."


    He turns to another crew member...


    ENDING 1 - This is Awkward...


    Q: "Chuckles? Same deal."


    CHAKOTAY: "Hmmm... well, on one condition."


    He whispers something in Q's ear.


    Q (delighted): "Oh, Chakotay, I never knew you were so kinky."


    In a flash, he turns himself into a perfect facsimile of Captain Janeway.


    Q-JANEWAY (Janeway's voice): "Will this work?"


    CHAKOTAY: "Perfectly."


    They vanish together. Fifteen minutes later, in a flash of light, Earth is visible on the viewscreen.


    A few seconds later, Chakotay materializes back on the bridge. Alone, and with a very satisfied look on his face. Janeway is staring at him.


    CHAKOTAY (all innocence): "What?"


    JANEWAY: "Nothing."


    Voyager zooms off past the Golden Gate bridge amid fireworks...



    ENDING 2 - This is Also Awkward...


    Q: "Harry? Same deal."


    HARRY: "I don't know..."


    Q: "I'll even throw in a promotion for you."


    HARRY: "Well, the captain was going to promote me soon anyway. Weren't you, captain?"


    JANEWAY: "Well... uh... not exactly."


    HARRY: "But you were eventually going to do it, right?"


    JANEWAY (avoids his eyes): "..."


    HARRY (realizes the awful truth): "You were going to keep me at ensign for the entire trip home, weren't you?"


    JANEWAY: "Well... someone's got to be the ensign."


    Harry gets this disillusioned, shattered innocence, "I just discovered that my childhood hero was actually a major scumbag" look on his face, Without another word, he turns and nods defiantly at Q. They both disappear. Fifteen minutes later, Voyager zooms off past the Golden Gate bridge amid fireworks...



    ENDING 3 - A Very Bad Pun


    Q: "B'Elanna? Same deal."


    B'ELANNA: "Hmmm... I don't know."


    Q: "And also, I'll..." (he whispers in her ear)


    B'ELANNA: "OK. Deal."


    ZAP! B'Elanna's brow ridges vanish, along with every strand of Klingon DNA in her body. She feels her forehead, nods approval. She and Q vanish. Fifteen minutes later, in a flash of light, Earth is visible on the viewscreen.


    A few seconds later, B'Elanna appears on the bridge, still with a smooth forehead, sans Q. Janeway is glaring at her.


    JANEWAY: "I can't believe you did that, lieutenant."


    B'ELANNA: "Sorry, captain. I'm only human."


    Voyager zooms off past the Golden Gate bridge amid fireworks...



    ENDING 4 - There Are Some Things Even a Q Won't Do...


    Neelix speaks up.


    NEELIX: "Q? I'll take that deal."


    Q: "You, bar rodent? Ewww! No way!"


    JANEWAY: "Why? You said you could have chosen a Klingon targ, and those things are butt-ugly."


    Q: "True, but even I have SOME standards!"


    He disappears in a flash of light. Neelix looks morose, Janeway gives him a comforting pat on the shoulder


    Voyager DOES NOT zoom past the Golden Gate bridge amid fireworks, instead sailing onward through the interstellar abyss...



    ENDING 5 - ...And Some Things Even a Q Shouldn't Do


    Q: "Tom? Same deal."


    B'ELANNA (to Tom): "Say yes, and I'll break your leg."


    TOM: "Uhhh... right. No thanks, Q."


    B'ELANNA (to Q): "Suggest it again and I'll break your leg."


    Q: "Oh, please, I'm an omnipotent being, you couldn't break my..."


    CRACK!! B'Elanna kicks Q in the leg, breaking it. He crumples to the deck in agony.


    Q: "You broke my leg! Picard never broke my leg! Sisko never broke my leg! Not even Guinan broke my..."


    B'ELANNA: "I'm not any of those people."


    Q: "Certainly not. You're a little too easy to provoke."


    He disappears in a flash of white light. Voyager sails onward through the interstellar abyss...



    ENDING 6 - The Way to a Hologram's Heart...


    Q: "Doctor? Same deal."


    EMH: "But I'm a hologram. I can't..."


    Q: "I can turn you human for the duration."


    EMH: "Even so, it somehow seems unethical..."


    Q: "We'll eat cheesecake."


    EMH: "Did you say cheesecake?"


    Q: "LOTS of cheesecake."


    EMH: "Well, since you put it like that..."


    He and Q disappear. Thirty minutes later, Earth appears on the viewscreen. The EMH reappears alone on the bridge


    JANEWAY: "Wait a minute... why did it take thirty minutes instead of fifteen?"


    EMH: "We needed some time for cheesecake."


    Voyager zooms off past the Golden Gate bridge amid fireworks...



    ENDING 7 - The Upside of Logic


    Q: "Tuvok? Same deal."


    TUVOK: "Very well, Q."


    Q: "Just 'very well, Q'? No objections? No protests?"


    TUVOK: "There are approximately 140 people on this ship other than myself, all of whom are trapped in the Delta Quadrant along with me. Any or all of them could die over the course of our journey home. Logic suggests that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. Further, my wife is awaiting me in the Alpha Quadrant. If any action on my part, however morally repellent I might personally find it, will restore me to her and the rest of my family, I feel that she would not only understand it, but even appreciate my self-sacrifice. Therefore, the most logical course of action is for me to..."


    Q (irritatedly): "Oh, forget it. This is why I don't like Vulcans. Logic this, logic that... you people just suck the fun out of everything."


    TUVOK: "the choice is yours, of course. But need I remind you that you have set a condition for returning this ship to Federation space, and I have acquiesced. Logic suggests that you are therefore bound to the terms of your agreement."


    Q makes a disgusted face, but he snaps his fingers. In a white flash, he is gone, but the viewscreen is full of Earth.


    JANEWAY: "I don't believe it... how'd you do it?"


    TUVOK: "I waited until his own illogic overwhelmed him."


    Voyager zooms off past the Golden Gate bridge amid fireworks...



    ENDING 8 - Borg Efficiency


    Q: "Seven? Same de..."


    SEVEN: "Take off your clothes."


    Q: "Straight to the point. I like it."


    They disappear together. Five minutes later, Earth appears on the viewscreen.


    JANEWAY: "Well. That was quick."


    SEVEN: "Foreplay is irrelevant."


    Voyager zooms off past the Golden Gate bridge amid fireworks...



    ENDING 9 - Like a Bad Latinum Strip...


    Q: "Will? Same deal."


    JANEWAY: "Will? What Will? We don't have a Will onboard."


    Q: "That Will."


    Everyone looks. Will Riker has mysteriously appeared on the bridge.


    RIKER: "Q. I don't know what you're proposing this time, but the answer is a big fat NO!"


    JANEWAY: "Commander? What are you doing here?"


    RIKER: "I turned up in six series, directed in five, not to mention two movies. I'll probably be in Discovery playing a clone or a distant descendant of myself. I even turned up in a friends and family commercial with the cast of the original series. Basically, if it's Trek, I turn up in it at some point. Any more questions?"


    JANEWAY: "No, I think I get it."


    Q: "Well, now that we've completely obliterated the fourth wall, I guess we'll be on our way."


    He and Riker disappear. A long silence.


    PARIS: "Well. That was weird."


    JANEWAY: "We're Starfleet officers. Weird is part of the job."


    And Voyager sails onward through the interstellar abyss...



    ENDING 10 - A Very Big Silver Lining


    Q: "Kessie? Same deal."


    Kes nods assent, and they disappear. Fifteen minutes later, Earth, yeah, you know the rest. Kes appears on the bridge, looking a little disheveled.


    JANEWAY: "I'm appalled, Kes."


    KES: "Sorry, captain."


    JANEWAY: "Well, we're here, anyway. So what are your plans?"


    KES: "I don't know, I'll have to think about it."


    JANEWAY: "Don't think too long, you've only got a few years left."


    Q (disembodied): "Oh, that. Actually, I may have delayed her morilogium by a few centuries. It seemed the least I could do."


    JANEWAY: "Still, it seems a questionable trade."


    KES: "Maybe, captain. But at least 'Fury' will never happen."


    JANEWAY: "What's 'Fury'?"


    KES (shudders): "Be glad you'll never know."


    Voyager zooms off past the Golden Gate bridge amid fireworks...



    ENDING 11 - The DOWNSIDE of Logic


    Q starts to turn to the others... then turns back.


    Q: "Wait a minute. You've made it clear that you'll do whatever it takes to get your crew home. But you won't even..."


    JANEWAY: "We'll get home, but we'll do it through ingenuity and hard work. We don't need any quick fixes."


    Janeway turns to her crew for support... and finds them glaring at her instead.


    CHAKOTAY: "I'm sure that will be very comforting to the crewmen who are going to die in the years it will take us to get home that way."


    B'ELANNA: "In the Maquis, we made sacrifices for each other. I thought Starfleet was the same way. I guess I was wrong."


    TUVOK: "I'm sorry to say, captain, your actions are most illogical. The needs of the many should outweigh the needs of the few."


    NEELIX: "Or the one."


    PARIS: "I guess I was right when I thought Starfleet was just a bunch of hypocrites."


    Harry says nothing, he just hits her with that disillusioned, shattered innocence, "I just discovered that my childhood hero was actually a major scumbag" look on his face I mentioned earlier. Exasperated, Janeway turns back to Q.


    JANEWAY: "All right, already!"


    She sticks out her pointer finger at Q. Q does the same. They bump digits, with everyone watching. Sparks flash between them. Then Q disappears. In a flash of light, Earth appears on the viewscreen.


    NEELIX: "That was it?"


    JANEWAY: "That was it."


    Voyager zooms off past the Golden Gate bridge amid fireworks...


    THE END (x11)
     
  2. Robert Bruce Scott

    Robert Bruce Scott Commodore Commodore

    Joined:
    Jun 18, 2021
    :lol::lol::lol::barf::lol::lol::lol::devil::guffaw::guffaw: THANKS!! rbs