"I Will Not Read Your F---ing Script!"

[Admiral Buzzkill]

A dramatic reading of the inspirational composition below - by Harlan Ellison - may be found here:

http://blogs.villagevoice.com/runninscared/2009/09/harlan_ellisons.php

I Will Not Read Your Fucking Script
By Steve Jarrett
Inspired by an essay by Josh Olson
With apologies to Theodore Geisel...


I will not read your fucking script
I will not read it in a car
I will not read it in a bar
I will not have it in my house
I will not click it with my mouse
I will not read it here or there
I will not read it anywhere
I'd rather be tied up and whipped
Than have to read your fucking script

I will not read your fucking script
I will not read its exposition
I will not read its scene transitions
I will not read its dialogue
I will not read its epilogue
I'll leave its pages quite unflipped
I will not read your fucking script

I will not read your fucking script
I won't discuss its plot reversals
I won't attend its cast rehearsals
I won't discuss its complication
I won't discuss its adumbrations
I won't discuss its camera angles
Its syntax I won't disentangle
I won't critique its denouement
Nor its hero's tragic flaw
My lips remain securely zipped
I will not read your fucking script

I will not read your fucking script
I will not read it as a lark
I will not read it in the dark
I will not read it on a drunk
I will not read it in a funk
I will not read it on a dare
I will not read it for a scare
Until they lay me in my crypt
I will not read your fucking script

 

[Roger Wilco]

Because I didn't know what this was about I followed the links behind the link to which is the story this is originally based on, and I have to say this is one of the most hilarious things I've read in a while.

 

[Admiral Buzzkill]

I guess maybe it's not as self-explanatory as I assumed.

 

[David cgc]

Is that thing about it being pronounced "Doctor Soyse" accurate? I ask because it's Harlan Ellison.

 

[Admiral_Young]

That was awesome and funny as hell.

 

[JarodRussell]

Hm, I'm wondering who he gave his very first script to when he was starting out.

 

[The Borgified Corpse]

No one read his scripts. They merely foisted themselves on the air through sheer willpower.

 

[Random_Spock]

That was awesome and funny as hell.

Definitely. A good take off of Doctor Seuss.

 

[CorporalCaptain]

Well, but in green eggs, he eats 'em and likes 'em.

I knew what it flatters from line one, because I had Seuss books as a child.

My favorite rhyme: denouement/flaw.

 

[Admiral Buzzkill]

Hm, I'm wondering who he gave his very first script to when he was starting out.

An agent who was familiar with his previous, very popular and well-reviewed published fiction. Certainly not a hapless professional encountered at a party.

 

[Geck]

My favorite rhyme: denouement/flaw.

Haha, that was my least favourite, since they don't rhyme at all. :P I thought the rest was brilliant though...had a good laugh.

 

[CorporalCaptain]

As one of those English words preferably pronounced the way it is in French, "denouement" actually rhymes pretty well with "flaw". See http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/denouement. The second audio variant is closer than the first, but both sound like French. Note that Merriam-Webster doesn't even list an acceptable pronunciation that does not sound like French, although the Wiktionary does for American English, while it also gives the French-sounding one.

 

[Geck]

I'm pretty fluently bilingual, so I know how it's properly pronounced. My earlier statement that they don't rhyme "at all" was probably a bit harsh, the vowel is at least sorta similar...but I still don't think nasal sounds rhyme with non-nasal sounds. It's definitely a stretch.

 

[CorporalCaptain]

I still don't think nasal sounds rhyme with non-nasal sounds. It's definitely a stretch.

That's true. It's not a perfect rhyme; it's flawed.

 

[ChristopherPike]

Several actors swear by this technique.


Well, unless its author has been dead for centuries first.

Anyone gone round to Ellison's place lately to see how the old fella is?

 

[Asbo Zaprudder]

Has he given up public breast fondling?

 

[Lindley]

I'm pretty fluently bilingual, so I know how it's properly pronounced. My earlier statement that they don't rhyme "at all" was probably a bit harsh, the vowel is at least sorta similar...but I still don't think nasal sounds rhyme with non-nasal sounds. It's definitely a stretch.

Not by my reading of it, I kinda like the rhyme.

Day-new-maw, flaw

 

[CorporalCaptain]

Eh, I think he has a fair point about the nasal vowel, if the word is pronounced precisely as a French person would pronounce it.

However, the word is an English word, borrowed from French, and although a few English words have nasal vowels, in general English doesn't distinguish between nasal and oral vowels, even for loan words as far as I know. I think whether it precisely rhymes depends upon the speaker's regional accent, and for me it's so close that making it precisely rhyme not only isn't a stretch, but it adds just the right amount of pretension to make it truly hilarious. Plus the fact that the rhyme word is "flaw" both out of left field and signifying imperfection adds an extra cherry on top.

Plus, I'm speaking as an American, and to tell you the truth, I have no idea how it would sound with an Australian accent.

 

[Geck]

Plus, I'm speaking as an American, and to tell you the truth, I have no idea how it would sound with an Australian accent.

I'm actually Canadian, hence the bilingualism. Only moved to Australia a month ago - they tend to butcher French here pretty badly, but their English is fairly nasal to start with. So I have no idea how they'd pronounce 'denouement' at all.

 

[Takeru]

Is that thing about it being pronounced "Doctor Soyse" accurate? I ask because it's Harlan Ellison.

Yes, Seuss rhymes with voice.