I really need some advice

[ElBurro]

I don't know the whys and wherefores, but maybe the drinking did make him neglectful enough that the ex finally had enough. Making her cheat, are those her words or his interpretation?

It's bit of both. I was really close friends with her until I moved in here and she broke off the friendship. I've always felt that she has some kind of victim complex. I saw her a while after they split up and she said that the reason HM is taking the breakup so hard is because he knows it's his fault. I also told her that someone we both knew had been diagnosed with cancer and her immediate response was 'she deleted me on facebook'.

I used to hang out with them a lot when they were together and I even went on holiday with them 2 years ago. From what I saw, he certainly wasn't neglectful. She just won't accept responsibility for things. She slept with this other guy a couple of times before she left. When she told me about the second time, she said that HM had started an argument and was really having a go at her so she left the house and drove around till she ended up at the other guys house. I asked HM about this and he told me the full story. The two of them had had a big heart to heart conversation about their relationship and what they wanted. He went to the bathroom and when he came back she had received a text from the other guy asking if she was alright. She was in the middle of replying 'No, I'm only alright when I'm with you'.

CaptainStoner - Apology accepted. I understand where you are coming from and I do appreciate your view point on this. And I will go home if I need to.

Kestra - I do understand that I have no control over his behaviour and I know that things won't suddenly change. It will take time. If he actually starts doing something about this, then I'm here for the long haul and will support him. He actually said a while ago that he's fed up of people saying stuff about his drinking so I'm not sure how to go about making him realise it is a problem without having him close off and ignore what I'm saying to him.

 

[Gov Kodos]

Well, it sounds like that left a bad taste for everyone. It seems she has pulled up stakes and moved on. I have known folks who'd take no responsibility for their side of bad ends in relationships, but that's not the real problem anymore. He's busy navigating the inside of a bottle and the breakup has become a justification now. If he's fed up with people telling him about it, he's probably in serious denial and not just in the drinking. Maybe it's time to ask yourself what your help is doing here? Is it allowing him to continue as is, or not? Keep in mind, the or not is seeing results of his doing not your caring.

 

[The Inquisitor]

Having lived with an alcoholic I can sympathize, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I spent 18 months hiding booze, listening to night terrors, walking through piss on the floor, lifting and cleaning up after a total mess of a human being, a human being I ended up finding dead in the Kitchen one morning after a particularly heavy session.

There is only one person who can remedy the situation and thats the drinker themself. If they wont admit they have a problem then they wont seek any help, or accept any, regardless of who is trying to help them.

My advice to you would be to first of all attempt a face to face, open conversation where you speak your mind. If that attempt falls on deaf ears then all you can do is keep an eye from a distance. Alcoholics poison all life around them, they are like emotional black holes so its best to keep your distance, living with a drinker can have a seriously negative effect on your day to day life.

I could go on with other hints and tips but in the end the guy I lived with died so I'm not sure how reliable/useful any advice of mine would be. Do yourself a favor though and move out. You must balance the time you spend helping this person out with the rest of your life otherwise you will end up being a near full time carer and trust me, you don't want that, its a thankless task.

Either way, good luck.