Funerals

[Trekker4747]

So my uncle passed away this past week, he was probably the one person of that branch of relatives I was closest to, not very close to my mother's siblings (neither is she to her own siblings, really), and my dad's sister was also estranged from most of the family -as well as her own son- so my dad's brother was pretty much the one parental relative that I had the most interaction with.

He's had some failing health over the last couple of years but died unexpectedly in his home very early last Thursday morning/Wednesday night due to an aneurysm, he was 71 years old and survived by his wife of of nearly 50 years, two daughters -both in their early/mid 40s, a son (40) and three grade-school aged grandchildren, one of whom is a pianist who played some songs at the services this past Sunday afternoon. He was also leaves my dad with no surviving siblings.

Anyway, all of that isn't really here nor there as when I was at the funeral I was talking to one of my cousins and we didn't recognize a lot of the family members there, as is normally the case for families at a certain point you really only get together for occasions like funerals and weddings and maybe the odd graduation or something, but otherwise it's only extreme cases where everyone gets together in this manner.

A lot of the people there I suspect were friends of his family and relatives of my aunt, but I began to think that it'd be interesting to have a genealogy chart displayed near/around the entrance of the funeral home that'd perhaps show/tell you who these people are.

The "simple" way I envision it is just a simple chart on a whiteboard or something and the funeral home greeter simply asks you who you are and how you're connected to the deceased and he writes you in. Now, this could get complicated and difficult to make orderly when you get to people who've had multiple spouses, lots of children, etc and you'd need to probably give each attendee a name-tag to tie their name to the chart.

So then my brain goes off into right-field and I think of having an interactive TV-set like thing. A picture of the deceased is in the middle, you walk up to the machine/or the director, and he snaps a picture of you with a camera and places your picture where you belong on the tree and the program does all of the "work" of making the right branches and connections. A "living family tree" if you will.

In both of these instances friends would simply be listed/shown at the bottom as such and, obviously, not part of the tree itself.

Anyway, it was a very somber occasion and, really, funerals just suck all around. I "get" that they're not really supposed to be "happy" or pleasant occasions but, for me, they're just hard to deal with and I see little need for the body to be on display but, alas, that's the way it is.

It makes me sad to think that someday I'll have to bury my parents, someday I'll have to bury my brother or he'll have to bury me and just how rough and tough death of a loved one is. The spiritual parts of me realizes my uncle is a better place and as he was a carpenter is likely helping Jesus up there with building a new entertainment center for God's wicked new plasma TV or something, but death is hard to cope with.

I've really no idea how my dad is feeling right now but I've tried to be there for him as much as I can to help him through this. I did have a bit of a panic attack at the wake in my aunt's home where the wake/reception was with the house full of people -most of whom I did not know- and it was exasperated by hunger and fatigue due to having to go into work earlier in order to get stuff done so I could leave early to go the the funeral. I don't deal well with tight quarters full of noise and people.

Anyway, TL;DR, I know, and most of you likely don't care anyway and just think this is another Trekker bitchfest or whatever. Just needed to unload some thoughts. Probably going back to lurk mode now.

I won't be missed so, whatever. Screw it.

 

[Marie1]

I know you're sad about a beloved family member passing away, you have my sympathy.
I've lost a lot of people recently, I know it hurts.

At the visitation a lot of people put up pictures of the deceased with pictures of their loved ones, either labeled or the family discusses it- helps bring back the good memories and help people through the sadness.

 

[Tora Ziyal]

My condolences on the death of your uncle. I love the image of him as the Carpenter's assistant!

I agree, funerals are always rough, and, unless you have an unusually small family, full of people you can't quite place. Good for you for thinking creatively about how to connect --or at least identify -- these stray relatives.

 

[doubleohfive]

I'm really sorry to read about your loss, Trekker. In retrospect, I've lost several friends over the last few years, and it's not fun. I hope that, as much as you are making yourself available to your dad and family for support, they are being same to you.

 

[Trekker4747]

I'm really sorry to read about your loss, Trekker. In retrospect, I've lost several friends over the last few years, and it's not fun. I hope that, as much as you are making yourself available to your dad and family for support, they are being same to you.

Much like my uncle was, I try and to not burden my family and friends with my problems and try and be there for them, I rarely open up to them with my problems and try and to accommodate them as much as possible.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

If I have a problem with something, I will go to my family for help. I don't think it's burdening them.

 

[PKTrekGirl]

I think death of a friend or family member is tough for everyone, for a number of reasons. The finality of not being about to talk with them or see them ever again is difficult to cope with. And I think the death of someone close also forces us to come face to face with our own mortality as well...and that is kind of an uncomfortable thought.

I don't think it's silly to struggle with this stuff. Nor do I think it unreasonable to post about it. I hope you feel better soon...and that your other family members do as well.

 

[doubleohfive]

I'm really sorry to read about your loss, Trekker. In retrospect, I've lost several friends over the last few years, and it's not fun. I hope that, as much as you are making yourself available to your dad and family for support, they are being same to you.

Much like my uncle was, I try and to not burden my family and friends with my problems and try and be there for them, I rarely open up to them with my problems and try and to accommodate them as much as possible.

I get that. At the same time, no man is an island. If its something that is really getting to you, I hope there will be someone there to listen. When my friend Katie passed away last year, after the initial shock wore off (she was 25), I found that it was something that was very difficult to let go of and only after confiding in a friend who very graciously listened was I able to really move on.

 

[Trekker4747]

I think death of a friend or family member is tough for everyone, for a number of reasons. The finality of not being about to talk with them or see them ever again is difficult to cope with. And I think the death of someone close also forces us to come face to face with our own mortality as well...and that is kind of an uncomfortable thought.

I don't think it's silly to struggle with this stuff. Nor do I think it unreasonable to post about it. I hope you feel better soon...and that your other family members do as well.

Eh, my personal problems right now and why I'm not "feeling well" reaches far beyond the death of my uncle.

 

[Maestro]

My condolences on your uncle, Trekker. I lost my grandmother earlier in the month, and I can really sympathize with how you and your family might be feeling.

I think the idea of a tree, especially in a large, extended family situation is a good idea. It would not have been necessary for my grandmother's funeral because she was so old, but had she been younger, the extended family would have been more mobile (I guess, it was their age and not hers that might have been the hold up). I can't, for the life of me, keep her cousins and their kids straight, nor was I ever able to keep my grandfather's family straight either.

Thus, her funeral was a pretty intimate affair, and the family that was able to attend all knew who who was.

 

[SmoothieX]

Seems like a simple, "Hello, my name is..." tag would work wonders there.

 

[Trekker4747]

A name tag would work for the name but a chart/tree would help individuals know how and through what means they are connected to that name. Like the girl with the really, nice legs and ass. Was she a distant third cousin through some crazy-ass connections or was she part of my aunt's family and, thus, not blood-related?

 

[SmoothieX]

Like the girl with the really, nice legs and ass. Was she a distant third cousin through some crazy-ass connections or was she part of my aunt's family and, thus, not blood-related?

No fun without the risk of not knowing...

 

[Maestro]

You know, I was good with this thread. I didn't think, "not another Trekker complains about _______" thread. And then you went there. You went there about a girl, and really, you came damn close to turning this into another "woe is me I couldn't catch ____ girl."

C'mon, man, you can do better!

 

[ToddPence]

I have my own sad, terrible story of a funeral I had to attend this month. I realize that this is Trekker4747's thread and I don’t mean to steal their thunder. And Maestro might think that this qualifies as another "Woe is me, I lost the girl" posts. And it’s usually not in my nature to share stories about my personal life on forums like TrekBBS. But what happened to me this past month is a story too intense not to share, so here it is:

During the middle of June, some of my old co-workers invited me out for drinks one afternoon after school. They introduced me to a girl named Tracy who had just started working with them the past Fall.
It was a pretty obvious setup, but surprisingly it worked. Tracy and I hit it off immediately. We made plans to get together the next weekend.
On Sunday, June 26, I met Tracy at a Starbuck’s downtown. We talked with each other for about three hours, and I found talking to her as easy as falling into a hole. She talked extensively about herself, her past and her family, and her lifelong struggle with diabetes which not only mandated that she carry around a kit with her to regularly check her blood sugar level, but also prohibited her from driving for the danger that she might slip into a diabetic seizure behind the wheel). We walked around town for a bit after that and continued talking, learning more about each other. I eventually walked her back to her apartment complex. She gave me a hug and told me how much she enjoyed spending the morning together.
The next week, we exchanged e-mails. She told me how much she had enjoyed going out with me and how she couldn’t wait to get together again. On Friday she emailed me, telling me that she wasn’t feeling well and had some kind of virus. But she hoped to feel better by the fourth of July, and she asked me if I would spend that day with her?
I immediately responded with an enthusiastic yes, but never heard back. Sunday evening I wrote a confirmation e-mail, but again did not receive a response. The next morning, which was the Monday holiday we were supposed to get together, I tried calling her twice, but only received voicemails each time. Eventually I came to the obvious conclusion that she had made other plans for the holiday and had forgotten about me.
I still looked for word from her in my e-mail box regularly, however, during the next two days. Suddenly on Wednesday afternoon there appeared a message in my inbox from the former co-worker who had originally introduced us. The subject title read in plain stark letters” “SAD NEWS”.
The message’s contents read simply: “I have just received word that Tracy died at her home on Monday, probably as a result of her diabetes. Please call me if you want more information.”
Well that is the story in a nutshell. Less than three weeks after I went out on the first date with this girl I was going to her funeral. At the funeral I was sure that her mother would have no idea who I was, but to my surprise she knew me as soon as I introduced myself. Apparently Tracy had talked to her excitedly in her last days about the “new guy” she had met.
So that's my funeral story for this year. May I never see its like again.

 

[Deranged Nasat]

^ I'm so very sorry to hear that, ToddPence. All I could say is, you were able to bring her some happiness in those last days, and that counts for quite a bit.

 

[PKTrekGirl]

^ ToddPence, that is so very sad. Terrible to think of what might have been, seeing as how you guys got along so well.

But still, Deranged Nasat is right - at least her last few days were spent happy and excited about something. Because if she told her mother about you, it's pretty safe to assume that she thought it had potential.

That might not make you feel better for yourself...but at least you can take solace on the fact that you provided her with some good times and warm feelings.

 

[Maestro]

And Maestro might think that this qualifies as another "Woe is me, I lost the girl" posts.

Are you kidding? This is honestly one of the most heart wrenching stories I've ever heard. With the exception of the loss of a child or the death of a newlywed, I can't think of many things that would be worse.

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. And I mean that seriously.

May I never see its like again.

So say we all.

 

[Aldo]

Wow Todd that's a really depressing story I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

[ToddPence]

To provide some illustration to my earlier story, this was Tracy:

She sent me this pic in the last week of her life. Hard to believe that one month ago today we were talking and laughing with each other and that now she is ashes.