Anyone who frequents the DS9 forum will probably be familiar with this already. It never really took off as a spin-off from the injoke-laden "Five World (sic) Story". Perhaps that's because we don't have too many writers there. But here, now here is a different story. 
So I thought I'd try it again just to see if it takes off here!
The idea behind it is to make an anthology of fun little comic tales centred on the living legend himself, First Noname'given, and his loyal men of the First Squad, First Battalion, First Founders-On-High Infantry Devision. I wrote the first half of a silly little tale, posted below. The idea, if it takes off, is that someone now writes the concluding half, then either they or a third person writes the first half of the next. All tales are of "First Noname'given and the ___".
If there aren't any takers, well, just enjoy this bit of fluff I wrote up in a few minutes of spare time
.
..........
First Noname'given and the Ketracel Purple
One day, as the Jem’Hadar of First Squad, First Battalion, First Founders-On-High Infantry Division were preparing for rations, Seventeenth Goolan’talag violated procedure.
"Seventeenth Goolan’talag!” roared Second Dunan’etar, “explain the slight shuffling of your left foot three centimetres to the left and the undisciplined rolling of the eyes ever so slightly to the right! Unless I hear a convincing explanation for this violation of ration-taking procedure at once, you will be punished severely!"
The Jem’Hadar grew ever so slightly excited. “Severely” was Dunan’etar’s third harshest adverb, behind only “terminally” (used for offenses such as cowardice in battle) and the dreaded “half-heartedly” (which implied he wasn’t so much angry with you as...disappointed, which could break your hearts, it really could). Goolan’talag, who was only a few months old, stood sharply to attention.
“I meant no disrespect, Second! The only problem is, we know what the rations will consist of".
"Ketracel White?” guessed Fifth Ramil’ilar, who liked these sorts of games.
“Yes, thank you!” said Goolan’talag, causing Ramil’ilar to nod in satisfaction. “All glory to the Founders and all, but it’s all we ever take and to be honest it’s getting a bit boring".
The Jem’Hadar considered this.
"I mean, the sheer battle rage we’re expected to demonstrate won’t be powered by White alone, Second. How am I to rip Klingons apart with my teeth when my diet is so lacking in variety? Don’t we have Ketracel of some other colour to try, just for once?"
The Second paused. “We are getting quite predictable”.
Goolan’talag nodded, pleased at this support. “Possibly too predictable for our own good, sir. I mean, yesterday, Third Rosen’rekar gave that interview on The Elim Garak Show, and whenever Garak asked him a question he answered it with stock phrases like “victory is life!” and “I am dead!” Even the question about Weyoun’s upcoming election campaign. It was just embarrassing. Garak was smirking the whole way through".
“I see your point, Seventeenth” said the Second. “I suppose, for the sake of morale, we might try branching out into other forms of mind-controlling drugs".
"No".
Everyone fell silent at once. The command had cut through the air like a kar’takin through Rindamilian schoolchildren (that was a fun campaign. Ninth Yolak’itan got a baseball cap). All eyes turned to see the grizzled commander of the unit leaning against a tree. First Noname’given was his name, and he was like a Founder to his men. Hero of a hundred campaigns, master of the disruptor cannon and quite ruggedly handsome when you saw him up close. All awaited his next words with baited breath.
"Did I ever tell you, men” said Noname’given, “about my adventure with the Ketracel Purple?"
"No sir” said Goolan’talag nervously, “I’ve never heard of Ketracel Purple".
Noname’given fixed a stony glare upon him. “I remember it well. ‘Twas back in 58, during my days as a battle commander at Jermansez IX. Some fool thought it wise to branch out into other drugs there, too. Listen closely men, and I shall tell you.
I was in my barracks when the Vorta, Marvin, approached me. Marvin was a particularly smarmy Vorta, with really greasy black hair and he looked weird too. Usually I would have picked him up and stuffed him upside down in the refuse bin and pretended it was drunken Karemma from the tavern if he told on me, but today he had an official data PADD with him, so I couldn’t. I might get the Founder’s official orders dirty. He shared the data with me, and let me tell you I was in for a shock. It turned out that five Jem’Hadar from my unit had been given an experimental drug named Ketracel Purple. The Founders had been having a mid-eternity crisis, and had decided to redecorate the Dominion. While the Karemma painted our ships pink and the Vorta draped colourful wind chimes from the birthing chambers, we were to be moved from dependence on White to dependence on Purple".
"Purple is a girl's colour, sir".
"That’s what I said, but Marvin pointed out that Jem’Hadar don’t have distinct genders, so we couldn’t have ideas like “girly colours” even if we wanted to. That shut me up. Anyhow, the Founders had soon got a grip on their divine selves again - praise be to them - and realized that the Purple should not in fact be mass-produced as planned. There were terrible side-effects".
All the Jem’Hadar looked interested. “Were they gross and bloody side effects, First?"
"Gross and bloody like a Rindamilian schoolchild skewed on the end of your sword” confirmed Noname’given, as Yolak’itan proudly showed his baseball cap to anyone who would watch. “Idiotically, due to a mix-up at the Order Distribution Complex when Weyoun Three fell into the post-it-note generator, Marvin had already given five Jem’Hadar the Purple before he received the orders to cancel the experiment. Now it was only a matter of time before five of my best men became insane, undisciplined bloody freaks out to kill us all and say bad things about the Founders”.
To Be Continued...!
So I thought I'd try it again just to see if it takes off here! The idea behind it is to make an anthology of fun little comic tales centred on the living legend himself, First Noname'given, and his loyal men of the First Squad, First Battalion, First Founders-On-High Infantry Devision. I wrote the first half of a silly little tale, posted below. The idea, if it takes off, is that someone now writes the concluding half, then either they or a third person writes the first half of the next. All tales are of "First Noname'given and the ___".
If there aren't any takers, well, just enjoy this bit of fluff I wrote up in a few minutes of spare time
...........
First Noname'given and the Ketracel Purple
One day, as the Jem’Hadar of First Squad, First Battalion, First Founders-On-High Infantry Division were preparing for rations, Seventeenth Goolan’talag violated procedure.
"Seventeenth Goolan’talag!” roared Second Dunan’etar, “explain the slight shuffling of your left foot three centimetres to the left and the undisciplined rolling of the eyes ever so slightly to the right! Unless I hear a convincing explanation for this violation of ration-taking procedure at once, you will be punished severely!"
The Jem’Hadar grew ever so slightly excited. “Severely” was Dunan’etar’s third harshest adverb, behind only “terminally” (used for offenses such as cowardice in battle) and the dreaded “half-heartedly” (which implied he wasn’t so much angry with you as...disappointed, which could break your hearts, it really could). Goolan’talag, who was only a few months old, stood sharply to attention.
“I meant no disrespect, Second! The only problem is, we know what the rations will consist of".
"Ketracel White?” guessed Fifth Ramil’ilar, who liked these sorts of games.
“Yes, thank you!” said Goolan’talag, causing Ramil’ilar to nod in satisfaction. “All glory to the Founders and all, but it’s all we ever take and to be honest it’s getting a bit boring".
The Jem’Hadar considered this.
"I mean, the sheer battle rage we’re expected to demonstrate won’t be powered by White alone, Second. How am I to rip Klingons apart with my teeth when my diet is so lacking in variety? Don’t we have Ketracel of some other colour to try, just for once?"
The Second paused. “We are getting quite predictable”.
Goolan’talag nodded, pleased at this support. “Possibly too predictable for our own good, sir. I mean, yesterday, Third Rosen’rekar gave that interview on The Elim Garak Show, and whenever Garak asked him a question he answered it with stock phrases like “victory is life!” and “I am dead!” Even the question about Weyoun’s upcoming election campaign. It was just embarrassing. Garak was smirking the whole way through".
“I see your point, Seventeenth” said the Second. “I suppose, for the sake of morale, we might try branching out into other forms of mind-controlling drugs".
"No".
Everyone fell silent at once. The command had cut through the air like a kar’takin through Rindamilian schoolchildren (that was a fun campaign. Ninth Yolak’itan got a baseball cap). All eyes turned to see the grizzled commander of the unit leaning against a tree. First Noname’given was his name, and he was like a Founder to his men. Hero of a hundred campaigns, master of the disruptor cannon and quite ruggedly handsome when you saw him up close. All awaited his next words with baited breath.
"Did I ever tell you, men” said Noname’given, “about my adventure with the Ketracel Purple?"
"No sir” said Goolan’talag nervously, “I’ve never heard of Ketracel Purple".
Noname’given fixed a stony glare upon him. “I remember it well. ‘Twas back in 58, during my days as a battle commander at Jermansez IX. Some fool thought it wise to branch out into other drugs there, too. Listen closely men, and I shall tell you.
I was in my barracks when the Vorta, Marvin, approached me. Marvin was a particularly smarmy Vorta, with really greasy black hair and he looked weird too. Usually I would have picked him up and stuffed him upside down in the refuse bin and pretended it was drunken Karemma from the tavern if he told on me, but today he had an official data PADD with him, so I couldn’t. I might get the Founder’s official orders dirty. He shared the data with me, and let me tell you I was in for a shock. It turned out that five Jem’Hadar from my unit had been given an experimental drug named Ketracel Purple. The Founders had been having a mid-eternity crisis, and had decided to redecorate the Dominion. While the Karemma painted our ships pink and the Vorta draped colourful wind chimes from the birthing chambers, we were to be moved from dependence on White to dependence on Purple".
"Purple is a girl's colour, sir".
"That’s what I said, but Marvin pointed out that Jem’Hadar don’t have distinct genders, so we couldn’t have ideas like “girly colours” even if we wanted to. That shut me up. Anyhow, the Founders had soon got a grip on their divine selves again - praise be to them - and realized that the Purple should not in fact be mass-produced as planned. There were terrible side-effects".
All the Jem’Hadar looked interested. “Were they gross and bloody side effects, First?"
"Gross and bloody like a Rindamilian schoolchild skewed on the end of your sword” confirmed Noname’given, as Yolak’itan proudly showed his baseball cap to anyone who would watch. “Idiotically, due to a mix-up at the Order Distribution Complex when Weyoun Three fell into the post-it-note generator, Marvin had already given five Jem’Hadar the Purple before he received the orders to cancel the experiment. Now it was only a matter of time before five of my best men became insane, undisciplined bloody freaks out to kill us all and say bad things about the Founders”.
To Be Continued...!
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