Does This Have Any Potential?

[sonak]

I haven't submitted a fanfic before, and I thought I had a good idea for a story, but I don't know how this is turning out. Any feedback, positive or negative would be appreciated as long as it's constructive.


"transporting is an abomination!" read many of the signs carried by the protestors at the rally at Starfleet headquarters in San Francisco. Lt. Guthrie turned to his friend Ensign Winslow. "These nuts have disrupted Starfleet operations for weeks now with their protests and civil disobedience wherever they can get to." Winslow shook his head. "And I've heard they're filing lawsuits in Federation courts trying to halt the use of transporters until they can get a ruling on whether beaming someone ends up destroying their souls." "Seems awfully metaphysical an issue for a court to take up," Guthrie replied skeptically. "But what do I now, I'm a lowly engineer, not a robed philosopher. What do I now? What I care about is whether they're going to stop us from doing our jobs." He looked out at the crowd and his expression became more worried. The scene was getting ugly. "Protest" might very well turn into "riot." Guthrie heard the shout first, and next came the chaos of objects flying amid a disorderly crowd that became a mob fleeing in scattered directions. This is making the news everywhere,” Guthrie muttered with a sigh.
“The Federation Council is taking this nonsense seriously?” asked the admiral in disbelief. It was S’Tek, wasn’t it? That old Vulcan demonstrating his commitment to tolerance to all points of view. Well he’s not looking at my reports showing what a slow-down in operations these protesters are having. The Ferengi, the Romulans, all the major powers are laughing at us. We can’t keep our own house in order.” His aide, Lt. Brand shifted his weight from one foot to the other. He knew a lot of times Admiral Thornton liked to hear himself rant and he wasn’t sure if he should interrupt. He’d been working with him for a while and still didn’t feel entirely comfortable with him. “Got something on your mind, son?” asked the admiral. Brand suppressed a smile at being called “son.” He was in his early thirties, and it wasn’t a baby-faced early thirties either. “Well sir, perhaps having a high-up Starfleet official talk to these “anti-beamer” groups might offer an opportunity at constructive engagement.” “Constructive engagement!?!” the admiral all but hollered. He fixed Brand with the look one might give a particularly grotesque exotic insect. “Do we give a seat at the table now to every kook who gets ten supporters, can get some petitions signed, and can barge in front of a holocamera?” Brand was able to maintain his patience through years of careful practice. “They’re a bit more than that sir,” he replied. This Dr. Vaughn--- “Oh, Dr. Vaugh, is it?” asked Admiral Thornton with a large dose of sarcasm. I didn’t know sending some credits to some subspace diploma mill that tosses out Ph.Ds like they’re mini bags of potato chips qualifies one for such a lofty title. A crank is still a crank.” Brand decided against continuing to debate the point. “Yes sir,” he replied instead. Admiral trumps lieutenant he said to himself. “At any rate, whatever they think of the movement privately, the Council has scheduled a meeting for tomorrow.”
Daniel Davis looked at his interview subject with the keen eye of a man who knew how things looked to an audience. “Dr. Vaughn, I might not have chosen such a casual style of dress for the show, but you certainly do convey your level of ease.” Dr. Vaughn flashed a smile.
”Considering how controversial my views are, I make a special point not to come across as a raving lunatic frothing at the mouth.” “No frothing, that’s important,” Davis replied. It was hard not to like the man. They each took their seats and waited for Davis’ assistant to silently mouth the countdown to the beginning of the recording process.

 

[horatio83]

The only thing that is missing is mentioning that a retired Starfleet doctor is suspected to be behind these anti-beaming protests.
Seriously, having always been a big fan of "Journey to Babel" as the benchmark for the Federation I love your idea. I also like that you quickly create an atmosphere, characters and above all tension, one wants more as a reader.
The only problem I see is that a lot of stuff in the first paragraph is that the characters play the role of a third-person narrator who provides information for the reader but as this is, if I understood it correctly, just your first sketch this will automatically be "thinned out".

 

[sonak]

yeah, looking back on that first paragraph, it is kind of an awkward exposition dump. And yes, this is definitely a rough sketch.

 

[jespah]

I would definitely expand on this - you're right that the beginning part is an exposition dump. It's also unclear when this is happening, except that it's TNG era and later (the Ferengi are mentioned by name).

I like the idea of a dissenting viewpoint. We tend to see a lot of monolithic opinions in Trek, and realistic people just aren't like that.

 

[Sandoval]

For starters few paragraphs would make it easier to read than that solid block of text.

Pressing the ENTER key once in a while will break things up and make everyone's reading experience that little bit more pleasant.

 

[sonak]

For starters few paragraphs would make it easier to read than that solid block of text.

Pressing the ENTER key once in a while will break things up and make everyone's reading experience that little bit more pleasant.

I would have done this if it was a bit longer. Didn't see it as an issue for such a small amount of text. Sorry if it was a problem.

 

[Gibraltar]

For starters few paragraphs would make it easier to read than that solid block of text.

Pressing the ENTER key once in a while will break things up and make everyone's reading experience that little bit more pleasant.

I would have done this if it was a bit longer. Didn't see it as an issue for such a small amount of text. Sorry if it was a problem.

Because of the peculiarities of TrekBBS’ posting system, it’s difficult to present stories in a more traditional indented paragraph format. So, to make it easier on the readers, folks here typically create a separate spaced block for each paragraph. If that’s not used, the story bunches together without easily identifiable breaks that makes it difficult to tell who’s speaking, when speaker’s have changed, or what’s dialogue and what’s exposition.

Just a helpful FYI.

 

[Sandoval]

I would have done this if it was a bit longer. Didn't see it as an issue for such a small amount of text. Sorry if it was a problem.

Apology accepted, but try to remember in future.

 

[Balrog]

"Transporting is an abomination!" read many of the signs carried by the protestors at the rally at Starfleet headquarters in San Francisco.

Lt. Guthrie turned to his friend Ensign Winslow, "These nuts have disrupted Starfleet operations for weeks now with their protests and civil disobedience wherever they can get to."

Winslow shook his head, "And I've heard they're filing lawsuits in Federation courts trying to halt the use of transporters until they can get a ruling on whether beaming someone ends up destroying their souls."

"Seems awfully metaphysical an issue for a court to take up," Guthrie replied skeptically, "But what do I now? I'm a lowly engineer, not a robed philosopher. What do I do now? What I care about is whether they're going to stop us from doing our jobs." He looked out at the crowd and his expression became more worried. The scene was getting ugly. 'Protest' might very well turn into 'riot'.

Guthrie heard the shout first, and next came the chaos of objects flying amid a disorderly crowd that became a mob fleeing in scattered directions.

"This is making the news everywhere,” Guthrie muttered with a sigh.

“The Federation Council is taking this nonsense seriously?” asked the admiral in disbelief, "It was S’Tek, wasn’t it? That old Vulcan demonstrating his commitment to tolerance to all points of view. Well he’s not looking at my reports showing what a slow-down in operations these protesters are having. The Ferengi, the Romulans, all the major powers are laughing at us. We can’t keep our own house in order.”

His aide, Lt. Brand shifted his weight from one foot to the other. He knew a lot of times Admiral Thornton liked to hear himself rant and he wasn’t sure if he should interrupt. He’d been working with him for a while and still didn’t feel entirely comfortable with him.

“Got something on your mind, son?” asked the admiral.

Brand suppressed a smile at being called “son.” He was in his early thirties, and it wasn’t a baby-faced early thirties either.

“Well sir, perhaps having a high-up Starfleet official talk to these 'anti-beamer' groups might offer an opportunity at constructive engagement.”

“Constructive engagement!?!” the admiral all but hollered. He fixed Brand with the look one might give a particularly grotesque exotic insect, “Do we give a seat at the table now to every kook who gets ten supporters, can get some petitions signed, and can barge in front of a holocamera?”

Brand was able to maintain his patience through years of careful practice, “They’re a bit more than that sir,” he replied. This Dr. Vaughn---"

“Oh, Dr. Vaugh, is it?” asked Admiral Thornton with a large dose of sarcasm, "I didn’t know sending some credits to some subspace diploma mill that tosses out Ph.Ds like they’re mini bags of potato chips qualifies one for such a lofty title. A crank is still a crank.”

Brand decided against continuing to debate the point. “Yes sir,” he replied instead. Admiral trumps lieutenant he said to himself.

“At any rate, whatever they think of the movement privately, the Council has scheduled a meeting for tomorrow.”

Daniel Davis looked at his interview subject with the keen eye of a man who knew how things looked to an audience.

“Dr. Vaughn, I might not have chosen such a casual style of dress for the show, but you certainly do convey your level of ease.”

Dr. Vaughn flashed a smile.

”Considering how controversial my views are, I make a special point not to come across as a raving lunatic frothing at the mouth.”

“No frothing, that’s important,” Davis replied. It was hard not to like the man. They each took their seats and waited for Davis’ assistant to silently mouth the countdown to the beginning of the recording process.

I hope you don't mind. I tried playing around with your format a bit so it would read better for me. I changed some periods to comas, and fixed some of the missing quotes (I think). I hope I got it right!

You've got a good scene and some nice character development here. It sounds like you are drawing from the current Occupy Movement. Very Nice!

I was a bit confused who was talking when, but that kind of thing works itself in the editing process. Another suggestion would be using contemporary phrases like 'mini bag of potato chips'. Find maybe something more futuristic like you did with 'holocamera'. It keeps your reader in the timeframe of the scene

Keep up the nice work!

 

[sonak]

here's a further short addition to my story. So far it's just various people having conversations and I'm not sure that it's not going to just end up being excessively talky.





“Good morning. My guest today is Dr. Jason Vaughn, a neurologist, theologian, self-described gadfly and maverick and—do I have this right? A gourmet chef?” “Yes, all true, though it’s the chef title I’m most proud of.” Vaughn smiled. “At any rate,” Davis continued, shaking his head, he and his followers have become well-known for their protests, riots, disruptions of Starfleet activity—“Now, now, sir why do you choose to begin that way? Not with my findings or cause, but with typical media sensationalism.” Dr. Vaughn shook his head in exaggerated sorrow. “Well doctor, it is a fact that some of these protests have resulted in violence, including one yesterday in San Francisco.” “I have been utterly consistent and direct in my condemnation of violence in the service of this great cause. We will present our case in the courts as well as the courts of public opinion, and through the vote. Violence will only turn people away and will be counterproductive. I cannot be held responsible for what some of my more extreme followers choose to do.”


“And I guess that’s all I’ll get out of you on that subject,” Davis said ruefully. “So let’s turn to your fairly controversial claims. You say that when a person is transported from one place to another, the person is not simply moved, but rather that individual is in some sense destroyed, and their soul with it. Is that an accurate summary?” “That’s essentially correct,” replied Vaughn. “Federation scientists thought they’d resolved this decades ago,” he continued.”The transported individual is beamed entirely intact from one location to another, no loss or degradation in transport. However, my research has now shown that they were wrong. Because the key is that they simply did not know what to look for.” My colleagues and I have developed a way of detecting what is lost in the individual essence during transport.” Davis leaned forward and couldn’t help the skeptical look that came to his face. “You’ve found a way to scientifically detect a person’s soul?” Vaughn smiled then, as this was the question he was prepared for. “I sense your disbelief, but let me ask you a question. You are familiar with the concept of the Katra, are you not?”