Dating question for gay posters

[startrekwatcher]

A friend and I are disagreeing on how a mutual friend of ours should approach asking someone he is interested in asking out for a date.

Here's the deal--our friend has the hots for a guy that works at his veterinarian's office-- He isn't sure if he is gay or not--he just thinks he is because of how he carries himself. I told him just to ask him out--if he is straight or if he is gay but in a relationship no harm no foul--I told him it isn't like gay people wear some sort of badge alerting people they are gay. But the other friend tells him to ask around the office to see if he is gay or is seeing someone before asking him out and that he shouldn't just come out and ask him out but build up to it over a few more weeks.

So what do you guys think we should tell him.

 

[doubleohfive]

Ask the guy out directly. Don't involve other people. Its not only rude but also something people stopped doing after middle school.

 

[IndyJones]

I agree with Double 0, just have him give the standard, "Hey, I'm sorry to do this while you're working, but you seem like a cool guy. Want to go grab a <insert beverage of your choice> sometime?" If he's straight, or gay and taken, then he should be mature enough to just say so. And if not? Then he probably wasn't good for your friend anyways.

 

[Amaris]

Just ask him straight out. Going through the work grapevine is the quickest way to screw things up. Lots of gossip/misinformation, and then everyone knows what's going on, which just incites more gossip, and that leads to trouble.

 

[startrekwatcher]

Well that is what I told him to do but the thing is he has just recently come out and is a little awkward. He is very shy and this would be his first time asking out another guy--and he came to us for insight.

 

[Amaris]

Well that is what I told him to do but the thing is he has just recently come out and is a little awkward. He is very shy and this would be his first time asking out another guy--and he came to us for insight.

Ah, I see. Well bless his heart, and I hope he finds somebody that can bring him out of his shell a bit, and make him happy.

 

[startrekwatcher]

He is just worried that if he is wrong and the guy isn't gay that the guy will take it the wrong way(i.e. "what about me made you think I was gay?!?") and then it would be awkward.

 

[Amaris]

He is just worried that if he is wrong and the guy isn't gay that the guy will take it the wrong way(i.e. "what about me made you think I was gay?!?") and then it would be awkward.

That is a risk. Some people don't like the idea that they might look "gay", which is a ridiculous thing to worry about, but there it is. It's like being worried that you look black. It's a silly notion to be concerned over.

 

[Gov Kodos]

He is just worried that if he is wrong and the guy isn't gay that the guy will take it the wrong way(i.e. &quot;what about me made you think I was gay?!?&quot and then it would be awkward.

That is a risk. Some people don't like the idea that they might look &quot;gay&quot;, which is a ridiculous thing to worry about, but there it is. It's like being worried that you look black. It's a silly notion to be concerned over.

At my age, I'm happy to get the attention. That said, it's a disappointing life, if you're worrying too much how others might react. Though, I suppose, homophobic reactions can make one wary of just asking. But, letting that worry get in the way of a normal human interaction is unfair. Go ask, be casual, it's not like folks can't get a coffee or a beer and chat regardless of orientations, genders and what not making like harder.

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

I'm just wondering how many sick animals he will have to bring to the vets to get up enough small talk.

Oh wait, do they actually work together? If that's the case there is nothing wrong with finding out some more information to save embarrassment. Just make sure he doesn't "ask around" but asks someone he absolutely knows will know the guy's circumstances.

 

[IndyJones]

He is just worried that if he is wrong and the guy isn't gay that the guy will take it the wrong way(i.e. "what about me made you think I was gay?!?") and then it would be awkward.

I've never been offended when a girl - or a guy I didn't care for - showed interest, so why should this guy?

And again, if he does act offended then it's a clue that you guys shouldn't be around him in the first place.

There doesn't have to be anything about him that "seems gay," which is a meaningless phrase anyways. All your friend has to say is that he thinks the guy is cool and would like to hang out.

If he's not capable of doing that then he'll limit himself to gay bars/the internet. There's nothing wrong with that, but if he wants more just tell him to man up and do it.

 

[DS9Continuing]

There are subtle ways to test the water in normal conversation that can give your friend a clearer view of whether the other guy might be gay or not.

Simple "what did you do over the weekend" conversation can yield a lot of clues. if the other guy mentions a girlfriend or hitting on girls, obviously he's out of the equation. Your friend could say "I went out to <name>" and mention a known gay bar without saying specifically that it's a gay bar. If the other guy picks up on it, you may have your answer.

Or it is possible to ask a guy out without it being romantic necessarily, as others have said. Just say, "You wanna hang out, get a beer after work," that kind of thing. Conversation in a social setting like that is more free and easy than conversation in the workplace. And again, once you're there, subtly directing the conversation can reveal more clues. All of this can be done without saying it's a "date" as such.

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