Cap Con 69: I've Been Slimed!

[Nerys Myk]

But, first the WINNERS:

The Caption I would have Done Award

ARCHER: Hey, have you seen Travis? About this tall, doesn't say much?

Size Matters Award

Archer: Archer to Enterprise. Beam us out of prison.

T'Pol (over comm): Stand by, Captain.

Archer (to Mayweather): You know, I got a glimpse of a communicator from the 23rd Century when I was with Daniels. It's a good thing ours are a lot smaller, because I don't know where we would have hidden one that big!

Mayweather: We, or me, sir?

I Can Wait Award

GRAT: Do you mind telling me what you were doing inside Tandaran space without our permission?

ARCHER: Long story. It involved jazz hands and losing a bet.

We might be here a LONG while.

That's Just Sad Award

He watched enviously as the other actors practiced their lines...

Hmmmm, I Think I've Seen Those Two In Something Else Award

Sam: "I think I could be much more effective on this mission if I were to leap into T'Pol's body instead of Archers."
Al: "Forget it! Ziggy says there is a 100 percent chance we don't have time for you to waste the next two days standing naked in front of a mirror."

...and so Jonathan Archer leaped from improbable plot to improbable plot...striving to make the most out of inane dialogue...

and hoping each time that his next leap...would be the leap to Earth.

Sam: Al, why haven't I leaped yet?

Dean Stockwell: Scott, you're on Star Trek now.

SAM: Al, why the hell haven't I LEAPED yet?

AL: Ziggy says there's a 94% chance you have to do the final episode first...and endure the shitstorm of fanbase anger that will result from it.

SAM: Ohhhhhh, boy...

Archer: "Al, why haven't I leaped yet?!"
Grat: "Sorry, Sam, but Ziggy says you can't leap until you convince the Vulcans, Andorians, and Tellarites to join the Federation."
Archer: "But that could take years!"

BAKULA: I see you're still doing the whole "Ziggy" thing with your props.

STOCKWELL: And I see you're still sucking in your gut.

GRAT: Ziggy says there's a 90.4% chance that this episode will be remembered as one of the better ones of the first season...

Al: Say "Oh, Boy!" one more time and I'll have you shot.

COLONEL GRAT: Ziggy says there's a 93.7% chance that you're in this episode to make me look like I still have a career and friends in Hollywood.

AL: Sam, don't you recognize me? Sam, it's Al!

Your Prize:

 

[Nerys Myk]

And Now, This Contest's Pics:

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Announcer: "He is...the galaxy's most uninteresting man."
Archer: "I don't always drink beer...but when I do, I prefer Dos Equis! But...I only drink this much. Because I want to make sure I don't experience any intoxicating effects."

Archer: "Here's to swimmin' with bow-legged women!"
Trip: "Does that ever happen?"
Archer: "Not very often, no."

Hoshi (thinking): "There they are again! Those disturbing mental images of lesbian sex with T'Pol! Where are they coming from?!"
T'Pol (thinking): "Hehehe."

 

[CorporalCaptain]

Thanks for the win!

Archer (V.O.): Captain's Starlog, unknown date. I've regained consciousness, trapped in some sort of resin. The whole web of it vibrates as I struggle in vain to free myself. On the ground beside me, some sort of big leathery egg is opening up.

 

[Herkimer Jitty]

Man, Japanese porn is getting weird.

 

[Skywalker]

Bakula: "Here's to the original series."
Director (O.S.): "CUT! It's 'the next generation', Scott."
Bakula: "But what do they have to do with our show?"

 

[CorporalCaptain]

T'Pol: It's sixteen hundred hours. Are you ready?

Hoshi: Not tonight. I have a headache!

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

Archer: "Hey, have you seen Travis, doesn't say much, about this much personality...?"

 

[Finn]

T'Pol: What's wrong?

Hoshi: I just dozed off and had a dream. It was about being in a hospital with a crazy doctor somewhere in Jersey.

T'Pol: Well, you have been spending a lot of time with Phlox.

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

T'Pol: "Starfleet requires these crew evaluation..."
Archer: "I'm crushing your head, I'm crushing your head."
T'Pol: "These evaluations be completed..."
Archer: "I'm crushing your head, I'm crushing your head."
T'Pol: "Will you cut that out!"
Archer: "Heh heh heh."

 

[Mistral]

Thanks for the win!

Hoshi: "I swear, if she asks me if we're there yet ONE MORE TIME..!"

T'Pol: "Hoshi-are we there yet?"

 

[cooleddie74]

ARCHER: Come on. You've GOTTA give me this much.

This pose?

Makes me look like a total badass.

Friends don't let friends star in bad episodes.

"Maybe going back for that third round of Orion porn tapes wasn't THE best idea..."

HOSHI: My Spidey Senses are tingling.

There's danger.

Danger inside your catsuit.

 

[cooleddie74]

TRIP: Cheers.

ARCHER: Cheers.

TRIP: I hope you like it. I found it in Rostov's locker next to his bunion creme and hemorrhoid medication.

 

[gojiragirl]

A Night In Sickbay II: Dr. Phlox has a cold ...

 

[Smellincoffee]

Archer, after swiveling in chair to meet guest: Archer. Jonathan Archer.
T'Pol: Captain, I reccommend we cease the traditional movie night. The present series of films --
Archer: That a phase pistol? Looks like a woman's gun.
T'pol: The present series of films are causing an outbreak of juvenile behaviors, including endless quoting and action-hero posturing.
Archer: I'll take your request under advisement. Meantime, why don't you make us drinks? I'll just take a martini. Shaken, not stirred.

Archer: To one of us getting inside her catsuit before this mission is over.
Tucker: You're on.

Archer couldn't be certain, but he didn't think this was the way the cargo bay hammocks were supposed to be hung.

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

T'Pol over communicator: "You should be in the rectum now, try and locate the prostate and commence massage."

Archer: "Can we not... call it that?"

T'Pol: "I do not understand."

Archer: "Call it a flux conduit, or waste extraction or something."

T'Pol: "I do not see that it makes any difference, other than a typical human lack of accuracy."

Archer: "For my peace of mind, T'Pol. And make a note in the ship's log. From this date, answering distress calls from living ships will be at the Captain's discretion only."

 

[Bob Karo]

Captain's Log: So far, everything is going according to plan...

 

[Mistral]

"Captain's Log-note to future captains. Your friendly, neighborhood Spiderman isn't so friendly."

 

[Mistral]

"This big. Why, Hoshi?"

 

[cooleddie74]

"I'm CRUSHING your heads...

crushing...crushing...crushing..."