A friend with a Quandry

[JiNX-01]

Anyway.. I have a female friend who has a soft spot for hard luck cases who has a friend who is down on his luck (mostly because of his own doing). He chatted her up at a bar a few months ago and now she can't get rid of him. She's tried cutting all ties with him, but then he eventually calls her needing help and she feels pity.

He's not a friend. He's a leach. Tell her to change her phone number and to establish a personal rule that she won't be giving it to people she meets in bars.

He's out of work and not eligible for unemployment (for whatever reason, he never applied for it and now it's too late).

Fired or quit.

He now faces eviction from his apartment. He hasn't asked her, but she feels he's pretty close to asking her if he can move in "until he finds a job"...

Won't be looking for a job.

He's not a close friend...

He's not a friend at all.

He seems to have no other friends

No surprise there. They've probably all been tapped out.

is lazy about finding a new job

A certainty that he won't even look.

smokes and drinks constantly

She'll go bankrupt buying Febreeze.

and has a felony conviction.

end of discussion.

He trades food stamps with a neighbor for cigarettes and alcohol.

Looks like he's working on another felony.

despite the fact that she doesn't have a job either, feels that since she's in a position to help, she almost HAS to.

She's unemployed? Remind her she is NOT in a position to help.

I just know that she will find it very hard not to help this guy. She already carts him around to fill out applications and since he doesn't have internet, she scours want ads and the like for him, again, out of pity.

And pays for the gas (not to mention the wear and tear on her car).

Any tips for me to help strengthen her resolve?

Have her review her lease. When I rented my house out it listed by name the people who could live there: Mom and her 3 kids. If her lease does have a limitation, that's her out (unless she's prepared to risk eviction herself). Her landlord also might not want to be liable for a guy who drinks constantly and might be prone to falling down a lot.

She doesn't have to be mean or unkind about any of this. She just has to say she is in no position to help him anymore.

If she lets him move in, she'll have to feed him. He be using her car and since he has no money, she'll be paying for the gas. And he'll need new clothes to "go look for a job." And he'll be using her phone and electricity (believe me, electric bills go up when the population goes up).

OMG, I hadn't gotten this far:

Exactly this... That's basically what I've been telling her.. She needs to find her own job, but she's lucky enough to have a decent amount of savings to draw on, as well as an extensive 401k as a last resort.. Because of this, she thinks she has the ability to help..

She even says she's worried about him just taking advantage of her.. But sadly I feel her getting sucked in..

Thanks for the thoughts!

401k? Unless she is at least 59.5 years old, she will take a huge tax hit if she draws on that money before then.

Please tell me that she hasn't told that cretin about her finances. In any case, she should refuse to let him move in. He will clean her out!

 

[Tora Ziyal]

she paid his November rent directly to the landlord (for obvious reasons) and has effectively cut him off from contact (we'll see how long that lasts)...

I guess he's asked her to hang out a couple times but she's now basically avoiding his phone calls.

Okay, at least that was a safe alternative. And now you have something to work with. You can encourage her to continue not allowing contact.

 

[marillion]

Anyway.. I have a female friend who has a soft spot for hard luck cases who has a friend who is down on his luck (mostly because of his own doing). He chatted her up at a bar a few months ago and now she can't get rid of him. She's tried cutting all ties with him, but then he eventually calls her needing help and she feels pity.

He's not a friend. He's a leach. Tell her to change her phone number and to establish a personal rule that she won't be giving it to people she meets in bars.

He's out of work and not eligible for unemployment (for whatever reason, he never applied for it and now it's too late).

Fired or quit.

Won't be looking for a job.


He's not a friend at all.


No surprise there. They've probably all been tapped out.


A certainty that he won't even look.

She'll go bankrupt buying Febreeze.

end of discussion.

Looks like he's working on another felony.


She's unemployed? Remind her she is NOT in a position to help.


And pays for the gas (not to mention the wear and tear on her car).

Any tips for me to help strengthen her resolve?

Have her review her lease. When I rented my house out it listed by name the people who could live there: Mom and her 3 kids. If her lease does have a limitation, that's her out (unless she's prepared to risk eviction herself). Her landlord also might not want to be liable for a guy who drinks constantly and might be prone to falling down a lot.

She doesn't have to be mean or unkind about any of this. She just has to say she is in no position to help him anymore.

If she lets him move in, she'll have to feed him. He be using her car and since he has no money, she'll be paying for the gas. And he'll need new clothes to "go look for a job." And he'll be using her phone and electricity (believe me, electric bills go up when the population goes up).

OMG, I hadn't gotten this far:

Exactly this... That's basically what I've been telling her.. She needs to find her own job, but she's lucky enough to have a decent amount of savings to draw on, as well as an extensive 401k as a last resort.. Because of this, she thinks she has the ability to help..

She even says she's worried about him just taking advantage of her.. But sadly I feel her getting sucked in..

Thanks for the thoughts!

401k? Unless she is at least 59.5 years old, she will take a huge tax hit if she draws on that money before then.

Please tell me that she hasn't told that cretin about her finances. In any case, she should refuse to let him move in. He will clean her out!

Right on just about everything! She owns the house, so the lease thing isn't in the picture. As for the 401k, I've told her and told her, as has everyone else.. She knows the consequences and while I think better judgement will win out, she's unpredictable..

One wonders that if she wasn't such a close friend from (almost) childhood, if I wouldn't have given up on the whole thing by now... Damn friendships.. They take so much work.

 

[JiNX-01]

she paid his November rent directly to the landlord (for obvious reasons) and has effectively cut him off from contact (we'll see how long that lasts)...

I guess he's asked her to hang out a couple times but she's now basically avoiding his phone calls.

Okay, at least that was a safe alternative. And now you have something to work with. You can encourage her to continue not allowing contact.

I am also very happy to see that. Now encourage her to stick to her guns. Good Luck!

 

[McCoy]

Sounds like the problem isn't what to do, it's how to do it. She knows she wants to say no, just finds that hard.

For this situation, and others like it she's sure to face in the future, perhaps you should suggest she take some assertiveness training.

 

[Cheapjack]

I became friends with a someone who had a mental problem ten years ago. It wasn't good. I let him into my house, and the chair smelt, after he had been sat on it. I tried to make him better and he just made me worse. It isn't a good idea, cos you're social standing goes down, if you are seen with people like that and they can do your head in.