A friend I care very much for is in an abusive relationship.

[Aldo]

I have this friend who I've known for about two years now who also happens to be my boss at work. Over the two years I've worked there we've developed a very close bond (outside of work obviously, when I'm at work with her I respect the hierarchy). I've tried to get closer to her as a friend, because we have a lot in common and we just get on well. At first I figured she was keeping her distance because of the fact that she's my boss. As it turns out it's because of her abusive boyfriend.

I heard things from time to time about him, that he was a douche, etc. I knew they had problems as well, but nothing could prepare me for what I was told tonight.

I was talking to a mutual friend and she told me that today my friend broke down crying to her and basically explained a lot of things...a lot that I pretty much assumed on my own. Like one day the girl came to work with her arm all wrapped up and when I asked her what happened she said she fell down a flight of stairs (yeah...uh huh), another day she came in with broken ribs and tried to tell me it was from her excessive coughing.

This guy belittles her, drives away her friends, and beats the shit out of her and then he has the balls to tell her it's her fault. Thank god she's pregnant because right now that's the only thing keeping him from beating on her some more.

I'm genuinely scared for her, and the worst thing is I have no idea what I can do

 

[auntiehill]

Get in touch with the local battered women's shelter ASAP, and offer to drive her there for counseling. If she won't press assault charges against him or try to get a restraining order, you should contact someone there at the shelter for advice.

A friend of mine is the supervising social worker at the county women's shelter. If you like, I could forward your post to her. Different states, however have different laws and procedures.

You could also contact the police to say you think the woman is in danger. At least they will have it down on in a report, if something should happen later.

 

[The Mirrorball Man]

I've been in that situation a couple of times, and every single time the abused woman ended up getting back with the violent boyfriend. It doesn't mean there is no solution, but if there is, I have no idea what it is.

 

[Aldo]

Get in touch with the local battered women's shelter ASAP, and offer to drive her there for counseling. If she won't press assault charges against him or try to get a restraining order, you should contact someone there at the shelter for advice.

She's worried that even with a restraining order he'd still come after her.

A friend of mine is the supervising social worker at the county women's shelter. If you like, I could forward your post to her. Different states, however have different laws and procedures.

I would appreciate that, any advice your friend would have on the situation is something I would like to hear.

You could also contact the police to say you think the woman is in danger. At least they will have it down on in a report, if something should happen later.

This is a tricky one. It's easy for an outsider to say go to the police, but I worry what that could do to our friendship. If she still cares for the guy (I know, hard to believe) it could drive a wedge between us.

 

[Myasishchev]

You could possibly contact the police yourself, given what you've seen (who the fuck breaks their ribs from coughing--is that common or plausible?). You could tell your friend (gently but firmly, I suppose) she's destroying her own life and is endangering the life of her child. But you say:

but I worry what that could do to our friendship

To which I respond, "So what?" That's not being a friend, dude. I mean this without any intended offense, but that's being a little selfish. I understand it, but if you care about this person, you should be willing to (probably temporarily) damage your relationship in order to help them. On the other hand, since it's also a work relationship (and a superior-subordinate relationship at that) I can see why the problem might not be limited just to friendship.

I wonder if it may not be the worst idea to tell the abuser you know what's up, and will make (lawful) efforts to force him to stop. This may lead to an abusive episode, but a predictable one, which may be better for generating evidence or even being prevented altogether. Just spitballing on that one.

She's worried that even with a restraining order he'd still come after her.

So? Her other options are all worse. He may very well walk through the restraining order, but it's better than living in a prison and subjecting herself and her kid to physical and emotional pain as well as possible mortal danger forever.

 

[Aldo]

After what I heard tonight I'd like to stay away from her boyfriend if possible. I was told that in the past he drove off one of her friends by threatening to kill her and her entire family. This is not someone who is firing on all cylinders.

Her breakdown to my friend this morning has shown she wants to leave him. I haven't spoken my to her directly about this because she hasn't come to me about it. When she is ready to come to me about it I will tell her how I feel. She's in a fragile state of mind right now, I don't want to push her away by being confrontational with her.

 

[Myasishchev]

Well, one thing about the classic cycle of violence is that it may really be best to press the issue when she is "fragile."

 

[Aldo]

If I ever get the chance to talk to her one on one I will. As it stands I only see her at work. I barely see her outside of work, mostly because of him I suppose. You know, in the past I always felt she kept me at bay because she was my boss and didn't want to get to close. But now that I know, it's definitely going to be something I will talk to her about.

 

[Itisnotlogical]

If he's threatened to kill people and physically assaulted someone, he's stacking up years in prison like so many Lego's. Go to the police. Since the boyfriend doesn't seem to know very much about you (possibly that you even exist), convince your friend to lay low at your house and to talk to the police herself. If the five-oh arrest him then the problem is solved for years to come.

Assholes like this make me physically sick. I swear to God, my hands are twitching, I'm so angry. Men like this don't deserve to have cajones.

 

[Aldo]

Actually he does know me. I've been over to her house a few times, and hung out with both of them at least once. Since I live so close to this girl her coming here might not be an option since he pretty much knows I live over here, except he doesn't know which apartment I live in, but still.

I'm going to talk to my other friend some more about this tomorrow, get her input on it too. Tonight was me taking it all in, cause as I said before I knew they had problems I just didn't know it was this bad.

 

[Kestra]

People in abusive relationships generally attempt to leave several times before they are successful. She probably has many reasons that she is staying with him and you won't be able to make those go away easily. The best thing for her is to be educated on her options so that when she is ready to leave him, she knows what to do.

Get in touch with a local domestic violence shelter and find out what sort of counseling and legal aid they have. Be ready to present these to her as options, give her phone numbers she can call (in a crisis and out of a crisis), and become more educated yourself. A lot of shelters will work with the victim even if they're not ready to leave yet. They can still safety plan and help educate her about domestic violence. Once she has the child she needs to understand what to do if she ever wants to leave.

She needs to make the decisions here, but you can help her find the right resources to empower her.

 

[Dorian Thompson]

Just be a friend. Don't let her succumb to his isolating her, no matter how frustrated you might be at her inability/unwillingess to leave.

 

[bluedana]

Just be careful how you approach your friend about this. Since you got the info from another source, it may seem to her like you are gossiping about her -- it's not true, but she may perceive it that way if you let on that you know her "secret."

 

[Aldo]

Just be careful how you approach your friend about this. Since you got the info from another source, it may seem to her like you are gossiping about her -- it's not true, but she may perceive it that way if you let on that you know her "secret."

She knows I know about the abuse. When she was talking to my friend yesterday morning one of the things she mentioned was "I'm sure Tony put two and two together by now." And my friend confirmed to her that "Yes, he has."

But still, she didn't tell this stuff to me, which is why I'm being cautious about this, if I approach her she may (as you said) misconstrue it in some way.

 

[Gaith]

Good luck, hombre, is all I can say. There can almost certainly be no easy answers to this.

 

[Aldo]

That is true, and by posting here I wasn't banking on someone offering up an easy solution...or a miracle.

It was just after being told all this last night I was really overwhelmed (I actually went outside and threw up), I just needed some outsider opinions to get my mind back on track and to think about this somewhat logically.

 

[Captain_Nick]

Mate you need to butt out and let things turn out the way they will turn out. If you try and interfere, you will only make a bad situation worse.

 

[SiorX]

People in abusive relationships generally attempt to leave several times before they are successful. She probably has many reasons that she is staying with him and you won't be able to make those go away easily. The best thing for her is to be educated on her options so that when she is ready to leave him, she knows what to do.

Get in touch with a local domestic violence shelter and find out what sort of counseling and legal aid they have. Be ready to present these to her as options, give her phone numbers she can call (in a crisis and out of a crisis), and become more educated yourself. A lot of shelters will work with the victim even if they're not ready to leave yet. They can still safety plan and help educate her about domestic violence. Once she has the child she needs to understand what to do if she ever wants to leave.

She needs to make the decisions here, but you can help her find the right resources to empower her.

Listen to Kestra on this! She's dead right.

The things that are going to make a difference for your friend are having knowledge of, and access to, practical resources and non-judgemental listeners. Domestic violence shelters can provide the information your friend and those looking to support her will need. All the things Kestra said.

Either you or your mutual friend in whom she has already confided can help to get her the info she needs. What you can't do is make her decisions for her. She needs to get to a mental space where she can leave him by herself.

 

[Kestra]

Listen to Kestra on this! She's dead right.

Thanks. I was going to post a lot more but thought I'd try to keep it simple, considering none of us really know the details. I did a 40-hour training that enables me to work directly with victims of domestic violence. 40 hours only barely scratches the surface of this issue, but I'd be happy to talk to the OP or anyone else to help them get more information about domestic violence.

I'd also recommend a similar training to everyone, regardless of gender, profession, anything. DV is unfortunately very common, and the best thing you can do is become educated on this topic.

 

[Misfit Toy]

People in abusive relationships generally attempt to leave several times before they are successful. She probably has many reasons that she is staying with him and you won't be able to make those go away easily. The best thing for her is to be educated on her options so that when she is ready to leave him, she knows what to do.

Get in touch with a local domestic violence shelter and find out what sort of counseling and legal aid they have. Be ready to present these to her as options, give her phone numbers she can call (in a crisis and out of a crisis), and become more educated yourself. A lot of shelters will work with the victim even if they're not ready to leave yet. They can still safety plan and help educate her about domestic violence. Once she has the child she needs to understand what to do if she ever wants to leave.

She needs to make the decisions here, but you can help her find the right resources to empower her.

Listen to Kestra on this! She's dead right.

The things that are going to make a difference for your friend are having knowledge of, and access to, practical resources and non-judgemental listeners. Domestic violence shelters can provide the information your friend and those looking to support her will need. All the things Kestra said.

Either you or your mutual friend in whom she has already provided can help to get her the info she needs. What you can't do is make her decisions for her. She needs to get to a mental space where she can leave him by herself.

This. There are people and programs that can help - do the legwork - get the options and the information.