[SIZE=5]»The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe[/SIZE] 1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng 2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle 3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle 4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz 5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field 6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons 7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin 8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne 9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel 10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King 11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes 12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff 13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang 14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess 15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine« From: http://www.bbc.com/news/uk-scotland-40999000 where you can find more (older ones)
Well, whaddya know. Sayle is actually capable of saying something funny. You'd never know it from when he was on The Young Ones.
I went to a baker's shop today and asked for a cake.... "Certainly Sir," came the reply, "this one is 50p, this other one is 50p and this one is 50p, but the one on the left is £1" "Why is that one £1?" I asked, bemused. "Why, surely Sir knows that is Madeira cake"
I tried shoplifting once, but they were too heavy.... all except for the paper shop, which blew away.
Alexei Sayle: "I read you're mostly likely to die of the same cause as your grandparents, which means I'll probably live foever because my grandparents were killed by Cossacks." "People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs." "Americans have different ways of saying things. They say 'elevator', we say 'lift'... they say 'President', we say 'stupid psychopathic git.'" "Dire Straits is a great band. Someone tells you they like 'Brothers in Arms' and immediately you know they're a stupid annoying git."
I admit buying the album back in the mid 80s. The joke is part of Alexei Sayle's shtick - just like Lenin of the Rovers.
I have, probably half a dozen of Dire Straights' albums. Love 'em all... Along with Pink Floyd, The Eagles, Depeche Mode, Tom Petty (with and without the Heartbreakers) and on and on. Plus - Bach, Beethoven, Mozart, Stevie Ray Vaughn (yes, I include him with classics).
It was petty much open season in the UK on Dire Straits after MTV aired the video for Money for Nothing.