OMG! There is no such thing as a "damaged" women or person...there are people who are just hurt and they have never healed. There is a difference between just plain crazy and "damaged"/hurt.
You should never walk into any sort of relationship with the aim of 'fixing' someone or 'saving' them. Pity is not good ground to build a relationship. Fixating on another person's weakness to satisfy your own need to feel heroic or even useful is not an act of love. Love is accepting someone as-is and giving themselves quarter to fix themselves when and if they feel the need.
Of course! I mean, you might be damaged, but you sure haven't let me in on it, so I assume you are at least functional. Absolutely right. I fell in love with my wife before I even knew how messed up her life had been. At that point, I had two choices: walk away, or try to help her through it. Guess which one I did. I do think it's possible to help someone, and have a relationship with them where helping to sort out their issues is something you do because you love them, and not the other way around. And they still have to be willing to help themselves. It's simply impossible to do the work for them. The most you can do is be supportive and try to talk it out, and make both your lives better.
While it is kind of a one-sided thread (I would have said maybe, could you date a "broken" or "depressed" person with a lot of baggage). Personally, I need somebody with a lot of emotional stability and good self-esteem. I can't stand "being with" somebody who constantly laments about her appearance despite compliments to the contrary, or who just lives in anxiety and depression. Normally, these kind of women end up being very, very needy in the relationship and frustrated by my optimism and self-confidence. I then become frustrated by my inability to elevate the other person's mood all the time. It just doesn't work out.
Do you mean youre in a toxic relatonship like that or youre relationshipless for the same reasons I am?
I'm an Asperger's girl. I actually spent 10 months in a Mexican tough love program/rehab for my self-esteem issues after a traumatic middle school period. Look up WWASP and Casa by the Sea. The programs were shut down in multiple foreign countries for child abuse and poor sanitation. I didn't see my parents until 9 months into the program and didn't speak to them on a phone for 6 months. I've fixed a lot of my issues with being able to hold a proper 2-way conversation and knowing when to shut up, but I'm still a fairly damaged isolationist who openly jokes about becoming an unmarried virgin spinster with a household full of cats and living with my parents. I can't hold a job (I tried twice--the longest lasted 2 months over a holiday season--retail is definitely not for me) is among my problems. And I still don't have a driver's license at 22 years old. And I don't get along with my peers. Everyone I get along with or socialize at all with is in my parents' age bracket (over 60). And despite being in college by the time I was 15 1/2 (I was in 12th grade due to independent study by age 15 and I took the CHSPE at age 16), I kept having depression meltdowns every few semesters until I finally just gave up (with about 70+ college credits--heavily history and linguistics). I'm pretty convinced that I won't find anyone and I'm not actively trying to rectify the situation either (I don't get out much--I'm not a people-person and get rundown very quickly).
I mean I've avoided relationships because I keep attracting toxic men. I've been working for years to deal with whatever I'm sending out that attracts them and blinds me to how bad they really are. I haven't really found a good therapist to help me until now. I was scared that I would be a damaged woman, married or living with a damaged person who would eventually have an innocent kid who was dragged into a toxic environment and forced to grow up in it. That's exactly what my parents did to me and I wasn't about to repeat the pattern. So no live in/ husband and NO KID for me. I figured the best way to be a responsible parent was to never become one. And I sure as hell wasn't going to live in a long term dysfunctional relationship. I've fought like hell to identify what I do and why I do it. I think I'm finally working with someone who can help me do that. And I do want to find a partner, just not a toxic one who will drag me back into the place I've been for viturally all of my life.
I will admit that I've made a lot of mistakes in my life of various types (financial, relationship-wise, career-wise, even in terms of making the wrong purchase in a supermarket), and had various unfortunate events happen to me, and that I'll be carrying this baggage around with me for a long time. Sometimes I like to talk about them, other times I prefer to keep them private. In any case, does it mean that once others know about these things, they might think less of me, thus making me feel worse about myself? There's always that risk, but I guess true love would see beyond that and maybe even help resolve some of that baggage, as mentioned up-thread. I guess as the old saying goes, happiness shared is doubled, sadness shared is halved. On the other hand, as I've not really been in such a position before (properly, anyway), I wouldn't know how that sort of thing would pan out. In any case, while I may regret some of the mistakes I've made, I don't consider myself damaged, at least not compared to some more serious situations as Holdfast described so well. Rather, I think my sheltered existence has gradually been hitting reality and over a long period of time, I've been coming to terms with my place in the world and among others. In any case, I don't regret how my life has gone. Not anymore. I hope you didn't have a guitar.
I read "damaged woman" to mean "crazy bitch". No thanks. As for this "nobody's damaged, we all have baggage" business... give me a break. If you're a sane normal person who goes into a relationship with a crazy person to 'fix' them, you're naive... if you go in to revel in how powerful it makes you feel, you're a turd. If you go in not realizing the crazy beneath the surface, then you have my pity... but run away! If you're crazy yourself... well.. stop being crazy... or at least stop tormenting normals.
I think I'm being damaged by the fact I seem to be the only person posting in misc this evening... reference my dominoe days thread Talking to one self is never a good sign. *tumbleweed* No-one will fancy me now and it's all YOUR fault! *I'm pointing*
I'm here. I talk to myself all the time. [It's true, he does - someone] Funnily enough, everyone I meet in Misc. seems to be saying that these days. [Even the men? - the same someone] ESPECIALLY the men.