I am now waiting for my psychiatrist to call for the psych appointment it is like a 2 hr window where he usually calls and we set up a video connection... I will explain how it goes.
it was a good meeting. we talked about a lot of things reported in about the ending of the self harm / cutting I did for like 24 years is now 1 year and a month or two not doing that--- also we are trying the lowering of the wellbutrin from 300 to 150 --- even though I am fine and it is working I think less meds is better then the full does of 300 --- that will start saturday and ... if there is difficulty I will contact them before the next appointment in march if need be... we will see. I have been doing well with things. I also asked him about the interactions with my meds and this vitamin supplement --- Alpha Lipoic Acid I looked on line and think I will contact my endocrinologist as well that it is a supplement for use with the diabetic meds... as with interactions in general she should know. does anyone have clues about this vitamin thing??
Like the moon's wholeness we too have cycles from full to empty... the new moon seems the most free with the emptiness it has every month, I want to be empty like a new moon not even in the sky at all. ~think
This could help but for those who won’t use this because of the God concept it’s possible to say this without the word God in it!!
I thought the Mariana Trench was the deepest point in oceans.... but I'm learning new stuff. Might it be common knowledge around here that the deepest oceamic trench is the Mariana Trench and Jean-Luc Picard was named after Jacques Piccard, man who was the first to go down there, together with Don Walsh.
It must be incredible to be inside the Challenger Deep while descending and seeing marine life at the bottom of the Mariana Trench. Mariana Trench sounds like a name Tom Paris would dream up for one of his holo novel adversaries Last year I got hooked (excuse the pun) on reading about deep sea diving which lead to reading about the Byford Dolphin accident which lead to reading about saturation diving. It must take a certain kind of person that can endure the mental and physical stress of doing this job where it takes five days just coming back to the surface and nothing can speed that up. It must be an incredible feeling when you're on the ocean floor.
^ Having met some of those guys... they’re definitely a different breed, seemingly. I can understand just from scuba diving every weekend - each dive is different (critter encounters, photo ops, etc.), even if you’ve been to the same reef or wreck many times. Cheers, -CM-
Peter Murphy - Deep Ocean Vast Sea I saw this album tour back in 91 or so ... NIN opened for Peter Murphy ... it was greatness... but yeah deep ocean vast sea...--- very very goth ... even in early 90's I was doing goth things .. but I have never been a total goth thing.. ---
Like Barclay, I suffer from social anxiety disorder, severely. Have since childhood. The portrayal on the show is somewhat accurate and somewhat inaccurate. I think people misunderstand social anxiety, particularly its scale and how universal it can be. It induces counter-intuitive behaviour, sometimes. I think people misunderstand social anxiety, particularly its scale and how universal it can be. It induces counter-intuitive behaviour, sometimes. It has wrecked my life in so many ways. Professionally worst of all. Honestly, I'm not sure there's much of a place for people like me in a capitalist society. I'm quite smart (I don't say that to brag, it's just one of the few things about me I don't doubt) and I have a decent degree (Master's in Computer Science), that should open doors to many job opportunities. ... but those things are meaningless when I can't handle job interviews. Of course, with that came periods of long-term unemployment, which any recruiter asks about, expecting answers that aren't "mental illness". I'm currently doing a PhD. In Belgium, that means I'm currently gainfully employed. Not getting paid as much as someone with a Master's in CS gets in the private sector, but still paid decently. I'm in my last year, though, and I'm failing. Too much left to do in too little time. Even if I had the time, I've been depressed lately, which has hampered my progress a lot. Some days, I can force myself to work 10-12 hours, others I don't want to do anything and look forward to the (official) end of the day... where I still don't want to do anything. No work, no recreation of any kind, just eat and sleep. Even struggled to find the motivation to rewatch Star Trek, at times! So, that'll be another stain on the CV, "spent the last few years failing a PhD, writing mediocre articles that collect very few citations". There have been victories in the past few years, overall, I've managed to give (mediocre) presentations at conferences, which is something old me wouldn't have thought possible. But those are victories by my standards, and they take me way too long to prepare compared to my colleagues: for them, preparing a presentation is a matter of hours, it takes me days. For them, conferences are a joyful opportunity to meet familiar faces and keep informed on who is doing what, for me they're a font of constant anxiety that only abates when they end. In fact, almost everyday is a struggle against social anxiety (and against the stress of the workload - I might be failing, but I'm going to give it all on this last chance), even in covid times when everything is done remotely. I'm so tired of that. Decades where almost everyday is filled with anxiety left me exhausted. I just want some semblance of normalcy, but I'm not going to get it. The routine many people dread, I would welcome! When the funding runs out, I'll be back in the hopeless situation I was in a few years ago, unable to find work. I have a small nest egg, but with no source of revenue, it'll fade quickly, and then I don't know what I'll do. I don't see a solution, and I'm so tired. I've seen the sentiment "productivity doesn't define your worth" upthread... but in a society where it defines whether you have a roof over your head and food in your belly, the message sent is clear: it does.
I certainly empathize with so much of what you have written. I don't really know what to say, other than best wishes, and good luck in the final stretch of the doctorate.
Sometimes people with social anxiety can bootstrap themselves out of this feeling of despair and hopelessness. Those feeling may never be fully cured, but it is possible to get to a productive and happy life. The level of debilitation this is causing you seems to be sufficient to justify professional help and possibly (professionally prescribed) medications, at least over a shorter term, to help you cope. You seem like a decent and smart person who deserves a good life. If you feel you can't get that on your own, seek help.