Contest: ENTER TNG Caption This! #516: Still a Miracle Worker

Hello and welcome to new contest!



First up to the plate, we have the "I hope he got over that by the time he married Jadzia..." Award, going to Smellincoffee for:


Alexander: Hey, you're the Betazoid lady my dad keeps moaning about in his sleep!


Next, we have the "Literally Confusing" Award, gong to Mojochi for:



Data: No Lal, this is not toast. This is A toast. You should not put this in the toaster



Next, we have the "You really need Carrie Fisher to make the scene work" Award, going to Mr. Laser Beam for:



Jack: The details of my life are quite inconsequential... very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds- pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum... it's breathtaking- I highly suggest you try it.


Next, we have the "Disappointment" Award, going to JirinPanthosa for:



BEVERLY: The scan shows no injury at all. No broken bones, no muscle tears, not so much as a scrape.
WORF: You haven't been fighting at all, have you? I'm very ashamed.



Next, we have the "Let's hope the new launch date is accurate..." Award, going to inflatabledalek for:



I'm not saying the constant delays to the launch of Discovery are annoying, but this is how we'll all look by the time it airs.


It's been awhile since I brought the extra special awards out to play, so here they come!



The Award goes to shivkala for:



Alexander: Geez, lady, I'm not empathic, and I can tell he's got a thing for you. Mostly because of his little Worf, as seen here. But, still, if I can tell, what good are you?

Lwaxana: I like him!




The Award goes to Jedman67 for:


TROI: "I am sensing a hostile presence, Lieutenant."
WORF: "I apologize, Counselor. The Captain made me beam her aboard."





The Award goes to Bagofmostlywatr for:


Alexander: You need to hear the truth - he can't stand your mother. You really want to know why her drink's that colour? Have a guess where it came from.




Our KBL goes to Finn for:



Jack: ... No matter what, don't ever let your mother go to Caldos when your great nana passes. That woman is nuts and I swear something would rub off her onto your mother.


Many thanks to everyone who participated and congrats to our winners!

And now, by popular demand, our "Relics" contest!











Enjoy!

 

Riker: Which member of the 1701 crew are we going to beam up? My money is on Chekov.

La Forge: You're on.




Scotty: It feels nice to sit in this chair drinking without Mister Spock chasing me away.




Captain's Log: It appears we made a wrong turn at Albuquerque 2...



Scotty: I really hope you discovered a way to stop consoles from exploding over the last 80 years.




Picard: We're really glad to have you aboard, Captain Scott. Your bags are already on the shuttle, Geordi.

La Forge: Wait, what?!

 

La Forge: Now I remember why I switched to the Engineering career track!

 

Scotty: Laddie, why we had REAL urine recyc in my day. Let me show ye, like so!

 

Thanks for the win


Picard: Tell me...Did Kirk really believe he met Gabriel Bell on this bridge?

 

Scotty: When I was here, I could tell you the speed that we were traveling by the feel of the deck plates. Why do you think I needed to drink this stuff, anyway? It wasn't remotely safe, was it?

 

Thanks for the win!

Scotty: "This holodeck is amazing! You can barely tell this was nearly all Bluescreen!"

 

Scotty: 75 years late and I don't look a day over 35!
Geordi: I can't believe he just said that.
Riker: I know! I would have said 30.


Scotty: You always remember your first love.
Picard: Whisky?
Scotty: Oh aye.


Riker: Computer, polarizing filter!
Picard: For the sun?
Riker: There's a sun?

 

Scotty: You always remember your first love.
Picard: So does the computer, She's under Picard Six Nine!

 

RIKER: When are you going to rematerialize Lt Barcalay?
GEORDI: Give it another 20 seconds. Make sure to tell him he wasn't in there any longer than usual.
RIKER: Wow. You're a MEAN pranker.



SCOTTY: This holodeck thing is neat. Can it recreate my little ewok friend I had back in the Academy? I kinda miss that guy.



PICARD: Wait. We just happened to get sucked into the Dyson Sphere hours before the sun was going to explode? What's that, like a one in a trillion chance?
RIKER: Good odds, for us.



GEORDI: Initializing explosion special effect!
SCOTTY: Ahh, so engineers still do trigger fake explosions to make our magical fixes seem more dangerous.
GEORDI: Some tricks of the trade are timeless.



PICARD: So what are you going to do now?
SCOTTY: Look up all my old friends and make fun of how badly they aged.
PICARD: You might want to leave Spock out of that plan.

 

Riker: "Who's beam aboard?"
Geordi: "A couple of extras from ST TMP."
Extra: "Meeee meeee meeee."



Picard: "I see four lights."
Riker: "At this point just give that a rest, okay?"



Obligatory "taco night" joke.

 

Thanks for the win!



Riker: Is there anything transporters can't do?

Geordi: Stay consistent from week to week in how they work and what they're able to do?




Scotty: If'n you want the truth, Captain, I was a wee bit over average as an engineer. Kirk called me a "Miracle Worker" because I was able to be that while drunk. Imagine that, I was a better engineer drunk than half of the engineers out there who were sober.

Picard: That's reckless and irresponsible.

Scotty: You'd think so, but with all the stuff my Enterprise got into, only a drunk could improvise our way out of it!




Picard: Mr. Blue Sky, this is an order! Tell us why you had to hide away for so long.

Riker: ...so long.

Picard: Where did we go wrong?



LaForge: Mr. Scott?

Scotty: It's no use, Laddie, I'm too sober!

LaForge: Then God help us all!




Riker: Personal Log--Must fake this smile. No one can know that I'm sad he's leaving. Next to him, I still look thin!

Data: Personal Log--I must reevaluate my role with this crew. My most significant contribution to this adventure was to play bartender.

Troi: Personal Log--Despite his smile, I can tell Will's upset about something. Or it could be gas. You never know with him.

LaForge: Personal Log--Well, I learned a lesson this week. When in doubt, sacrifice the old stuff to save the new stuff.

Crusher: Personal Log--Hmm, F/M/K engineering department. Definitely F Scotty, Marry Barclay, and Kill Geordi.

Worf: Personal Log--This week was not honorable. I barely had a role to play. Did I even offer a suggestion that was shot down? I'm slipping!

Picard: Personal Log--I can't believe I drank with the legendary Montgomery Scott and didn't even do a sing-a-long with him!

Scott: Personal Log--Well, time to fade into obscurity, never to be mentioned again, except in the novels, fan-fics, and once-in-a-while during Caption Contests!

 

Picard: "By the way, nice man spread."

 

Voice: Hello again. Sorry to be bother but it turns out we needed a hydrogen ion as well...no moon circling ...I mean no electron... please

 

Geordi: This old bucket is nothing new for my mad modern Starfleet skillz.
Scotty: Exploding control interfaces, no seatbelts, laptop computers that crush you when they fall off the tables...I take it hippies are still running things?
<Console explodes>
Geordi: What's your point?
Scotty: Did I ever tell you about the time Enterprise transported another group of wide-eyed utopians that literally found their Eden?
Geordi: NO SPOILERS, OLD MAN!!! Make yourself useful and grab a fire extinguisher!
Scotty: Way ahead of ya comrade! I put four at every station!
Geordi: SHUT UP AND REROUTE POWER FROM LIFE SUPPORT! ...Moran.

 

Scotty: Captain Kirk brought me back this beauty from Exo 3.
Picard: Gods, what a monster!

 

Thanks for the win!

Riker: I hope this buffer rescue doesn't go as badly as the last one. Remember that jerk we beamed aboard?
LaForge: ...Tom Riker?


Scotty: Ohhhh, yeahh!
Picard: That IS a perfect Kool-Aide man imitation. Congratulations.


LaForge: COMPUTER, DEFINE 'WEE BAIRN'
Scotty: THEY CAN'T TAKE IT, LADDIE!

 

Scotty: My biscuits are burning!

 

SCOTTY: I don't mean to be critical, but there's something off about this holo bridge.
PICARD: Not sure what you mean, I have it on good authority this is what a 23rd Century Bridge looks like.