DS9 Caption Contest 97: Julian Bashir, Secret Agent Man!

[Smellincoffee]

Welcome back everyone, and continuing onward with the countdown, this week is Dr. Julian Bashir - or, as he's known in his holodeck fantasies, Very Special Agent Julian Bashir.

But first -- last week's winners!

​

Dax: I'm sensing discomfort.
Kang: You're a Trill, not a Betazoid.
Dax: In that case get moving or I'll gut you like a targ, urinate on your corpse and then go kick some ridged Klingon ass myself.
Kang: Oh for a happy medium with females in this century.

(Ezri fires the gun)
Ezri: It's just been revoked.
Joran: You know, he really didn't set you up for that line Ezri.

DAX: Captain's log. Really tired after last night. Since Worf is recovering in the infirmary, he left me in control of the bridge.

[

Dax's annual performance review took an unexpected direction!

This week's shapeshifting award:

DAX: It damn well better be "period accurate"! I spent ten hours weaving my hair into this style!

And, last but not least:

Sisko: You know, the first interracial kiss hasn't happened yet. Want to make history?
Dax: You bet I do. Where's Uhura?

And now, this week's batch! Fire at will.

(Relax, Julian, "fire" is a metaphor..)

 

[JirinPanthosa]

tftw!

DATA: Nobody has ever asked me if my hair...grows.
BASHIR: You see, TNG fans? I'm an intriguing character. Wouldn't you like to tune in and see me and all the other intriguing characters on DS9? Please? I know it's not that exciting so far, but trust me on this one, seven years later you'll think it's the greatest show ever. And besides, you're TNG fans, what are you doing judging a show based on the first few episodes? Seriously though, PLEASE TUNE BACK IN!!!

BASHIR: Ahh yes, the wine. This particular selection is...red. It's a particularly good vintage, which nicely accentuates the accents of...red grapes. Damn it, I need to do more research on wine.

DOCTOR: That's it! I'm submitting you to the holographic rights committee!
BASHIR: Aren't they lost in the Delta Quadrant?
DOCTOR: That's just their current headquarters. In 70 years you'll be sorry you crossed them!
ZIMMERMAN: Sorry, I accidentally programmed the Mark One to think it's sentient.
BASHIR: No problem at all.

BASHIR: And you seriously think Section 31 is going to win the war for the Federation? Even if you're super-corrupt and think Federation principles are stupid, I've never seen such ridiculous overly complex plans in all my life.
ADMIRAL: Yeah, we have a spy in their organization. Pretty much all they do is murder people now and then and grandstand about ends justify the means crap.

 

[Finn]

EMH's Log: Barclay took me on a trip to Deep Space Nine since I still have a week before I have to be sent back to Voyager. He wanted to show me the Mark 4 along with the Doctor they based it on. Tom Paris is mature and civilized compared to those two...

 

[Nerys Myk]

DATA: Tag said twenty dollars.

BASHIR: Its a mistake, two hundred dollars.

DATA: Tag said twenty dolllars.

 

[Nerys Myk]

EMH: I could have had a full head of hair!

 

[LeadHead]

Thanks for the win!

Data: I am sorry, but use of the sickbay is limited to ships medical personnel.

Bashir: You're not medical personnel.

Data: Intriguing. Fine, I didn't see you if you didn't see me.

Bashir: Sparkling wine? We couldn't get real Champagne?!

EMH: Am I being replaced?

Zimmerman: Not at all. Initiating hair transplant from LMH to EMH.

Ross: Four tens...

Medical Log: For some reason Admiral Ross has been near catatonic for several hours, calling himself "Murtagh" and musing about four tens. I am going to run a search for ti "Urkel" he mentioned at one point.

 

[Nerys Myk]

BOND: One should never settle for a cheap imitation.

BASHIR: He's not talking about the wine, is he?

 

[Schistocerca]

Thank you for the win

After an awkward few moments Julian realised that he had misheard her original request: "Oh you said you want to take this bottle and fill my GLASS with it"

 

[Schistocerca]

Data: And you spent how much?
Julian: 200 thousand credits.
Data: And he told you what?
Julian: That it would cure all ills known to man!
Data: You do know it is just a toaster oven?

 

[Schistocerca]

After a hard day working in sickbay Julian liked to unwind with an hour spent admiring his own reflection

 

[Schistocerca]

Despite his immense intelligence Julian could never work out why he was always found first when playing hide and seek!

The Doctor had a sudden Eureka moment; at last there would be a way to stop the Delaney sisters fighting over which of their dates was the cutest!

 

[Smellincoffee]

Bashir: Bloodwine? In 20th century Earth? ..
WORRRRRFFFFFF!

 

[LeadHead]

Picardo: What do you mean Voyager doesn't get to use the new uniforms?!

 

[Smellincoffee]

Bashir: It's time for your annual physical, admiral, whether you like it or NOT.
Ross: On second thought, maybe I will greenlight Sisko's plan to retake Deep Space Nine.

 

[LeadHead]

Bashir: Sparkling cider? What the?

Computer: If you wish to replace this with an alcoholic beverage, you must pay Quark an additional 3 slips of latinum.

Bashir: $&%#!

 

[Smellincoffee]

Garak had been getting a little TOO friendly lately.

 

[Smellincoffee]

Zimmerman: Ooh, I don't think insurance covers that.

 

[Ln X]

Data: Before we proceed doctor, I have one last question; is there any chance I will experience what humans call a wet dream?

Bashir: Ah the Château 2300.
Woman: What is it?
Bashir: Bolian piss mixed with spice, sugars and extract of sehlat guts.

EMH mark 1: And why are you replacing me!?!
Zimmerman: There were numerous complaints about your model: obnoxious, gloating, balding and as as ugly as a targ's backside. So I thought the mark 2 should have a couple of cosmetic changes.

Bashir: The truth admiral. Just what are your ties to Section 31?
Ross: The truth? Well it's complicated. Officially I have no links with a section of the Federation which doesn't exist, unofficially I work with Section 31 when the occasion calls for it. Section 31 unofficially considers me to be their contact in Starfleet Command, while officially -- to Section 31 -- I am one of their members.
While Starfleet Intelligence unofficially considers me to be their contact in Section 31, though officially I have no links with Starfleet Intelligence or top secret SI missions related to monitoring Section 31. I spy on Starfleet Intelligence at the request of Section 31, and I spy on Section 31 at the request of Starfleet Intelligence. Ultimately I am a double agent whose loyalty resides with Starfleet Intelligence. As I said, it's complicated.

Bashir never missed the chance to peer up the inside of the surgical gowns worn by female patients.

 

[Smellincoffee]

Data: No peeking.
Bashir: I'm a doctor! When I peek it's in the line of duty.
Miles, OS: Oh, he tells ALL the girls that.

 

[Smellincoffee]

Okay, 24 hour warning! I've been recovering from minor surgery, so no more extensions for this one.