DS9 Caption Contest 94: QUAAAAAARRRRK!

[Smellincoffee]

Few would confess to like the Ferengi in general, but Quark frequently rose above the venal stereotypes of the lobed wonders. Certainly no civilian has ever had a more prominent spot in a Star Trek production! Before you all have your fun with him, here's last weeks winners!

GARAK: She's the only other Cardassian on the station. But she's a teenager. Must think of way to do this without it being creepy...must think...GGHH!
ZIYAL: Garak, are you having a stroke?

Despite having the best song they failed to win the Barber Shop Quartet competition because there were only three of them!

Garak: I find this hand to hand combat really quite distasteful!
Dukat: Yeah, me too. Little help?

Garak (after Dax inadvertently stumbles in on him in the holosuite): I assure you, Commander, this is not what it looks like.
Dax: It looks like you alone with a tied up hologram of Julian missing his pants.
Garak: In that case I suppose it is what it looks like.

Kira: No wait, I get it. They traced the call, and it's coming from INSIDE the house?

GARAK: It got weird, didn't it?
ZIYAL: Yes.
GARAK: Yeah. Right. I knew it.

As usual, this will run for two weeks or so. Have fun!

 

[Nerys Myk]

QUARK: Were did you get these?

GRILKA: The Liberace Collection. A man with a warriors' taste, to be sure

 

[Nebusj]

Worf: ``I will have a large, cold glass of 'punching you in the face'. … Thank you.''
Quark: ``Let me give you folks a few more minutes to peruse the menu.''

``The guns are fine, but what I really like about this place is how the decor evokes early-80s game show.''
``Hey, you're right! Has anybody got a holographic Bill Cullen?''

``You didn't tell me you'd be wearing Denobulan Yeti too!''

``Ooh, ooh … uh … is this going to be on the bill?''
``Everything's going to be on the bill, you … argh.''

``It's from the same sire as Shatner's last two hairpieces.''

 

[CaptainJon]

#1
Quark: I'm not sure of the correct pronunciation, but I believe it's called 'menage a trois'?

or

#2
Quark: Do you know about shrinkage?
Dax: It shrinks?
Quark: Like a frightened turtle.
Dax: Why does it shrink?
Worf: It just does...
Dax: I don't know how you guys walk around with those things.

or

#3
Quark: I swear, Mr. Worf, I thought I was walking in on Jadzia on the shower, not you! Next time, I'll keep my eyes open and only grab when I know what I'm grabbing.

Quark: Someone's overcompensating.

While visiting her best friend's apartment, the Klingon women summed up her date with Quark: "He took it out."

"Can I get an amen, brotha!"

 

[Bad Thoughts]

Correction required:

#1
Quark: I'm not sure of the correct pronunciation, but I believe it's called 'menage a trois'?

Quark: I'm not sure of the correct pronunciation, but I believe it's called "menage a Troi."

 

[Armored Saint]

GRILKA: I wonder if our incoming child will have your ears.
QUARK: Wait, what?

 

[JirinPanthosa]

QUARK: You're doing great Worf. In my experience, women love it when you never talk to them and tell them everything important to them is frivolous and stupid.

QUARK: I'm going to take a wild guess at your favorite holoprograms. Goodfellas and The Third Man.
GALA: QUARK! The last guy to accuse him of plagiarism ended up floating out the airlock!

GRILKA: I wonder what our kids would look like.
QUARK: Eww. Permanent mental image.

BRUNT: Simon says aim the blaster. Raise your hand in the air. Quark, you're out.

QUARK: I just came up with a brilliant idea for next time a human asks for hot dogs.

 

[Schistocerca]

Thanks for the win

QUARK: Worf, I know you are madly in love and have only eyes for her....but will you please get your chair off my foot.....

QUARK: Oh.... THAT army!!!

Quark loved his monthly visit to the Sony and Cher fan club

Quark: Mr Odo may I be excused? my brain is full

Quark still couldn't work out how Worf had managed to get the woolly hat off his head but still leave the pom-pom behind

 

[LeadHead]

Thanks for the win!

Dax: (thinking) Our security measures stink. How the hell did Quark get aboard the Defiant?!

Hagoth: Are the safeties on?

Quark: The weapon or the holosuite's?

Gaila: This is going to get very confusing very fast.

Quark: Where am I? What am I doing here? Why does that Klingon have a shotgun?!

 

[Smellincoffee]

Quark: Gaila, when you said you were targeting a few competitors, I didn't know this was what you meant.

Quark: Wait, marriage? I thought I signed a real estate contract!
Grilka: High Klingon is a very difficult langauge, is it not?

Quark: Worf, I have it on good authority the lieutenant likes transparent skulls. Maybe you can work on that.
Worf: Perhaps I will work on yours.

 

[T'Girl]

Quark: "So how did you break your right arm, and dislocated your left elbow?

Worf: "Yes Jadzia ... how DID I do that?

Dax: ".......

 

[Triskelion]

Worf: Do not waste your time, Quark. Jadzia would never leave me for some lousy bartender.
Quark: Oh yeah? Then why do the Prophets say she dumps you for Sam Malone?

 

[LeadHead]

Quark: ... And then the Andorian says-

Worf: That the Klingon is sick of this joke and the Trill won't be able to save you in time.

 

[Nerys Myk]

QUARK: She said, going "Dutch" is without honor. So fork over the cash!

 

[Smellincoffee]

24 hour (ish) warning!

 

[FlyingSaucrDude]

BASHIR (off-screen): Oh, finally. I've been waiting twenty minutes for you two to get out of that holosuite.
DAX: I'm sorry, Julian. We lost track of time.
BASHIR (off-screen): Doing what? You were supposed to be up there exercising. I don't see any sweat. Where are all the bruises, the broken bones, the blood?
WORF: We were talking.
QUARK: For an hour and forty five minutes?
WORF: It is a private matter.
DAX (sighing): Worf's having trouble getting it up.
WORF: It was a private matter.
(beat)
QUARK: If you're interested, I could sell you some Viagra--and at a considerable discount I might add!

Quark (whispering to Gaila): Should we tell him he's holding it backwards?
Gaila (whispering back): Only if you want to end up like Farrakk...

It wasn't until half-way through their routine that Quark realized the Klingon Ballroom Dance Competition was to the death.

Quark: Oooh! Oooh! I know! I know! The answer is 47!
Keiko (off-screen): I haven't called on you yet, Quark...and what are you doing in my class with a phaser!?

Some days you get the tribble. Other days the tribble gets you.

 

[FlyingSaucrDude]

Quark was beginning to have his doubts about buying a toupee collection from a Bolian.