TNG Caption This! 339: Holiday Spirit

[Smellincoffee]

Picard: Here, boy, take this and fetch me the prize turkey hanging in the window of the poulter's on the next street.
Data: ...Captain?
Picard, mirthful: I'll send it to Bob Crachitt! He won't know who it's from!
Spiner: Patrick, you're filming Picard today, not Ebenezer Scrooge!
Stewart: You're right, my Scrooge hat is far taller. And I have a cane to beat children with.
...where's Wheaton?

Riker: Lwaxana sent you a love song by mariachi?
Picard: The women is implacable, Number One.

 

[Nerys Myk]

PICARD: How much opium do you think this will buy?

DATA: Not nearly enough.

 

[Triskelion]

Riker: So what does it do?
LaForge: Apparently, it repels women.
Picard: I'll take three, my babes can't sleep with all the other late night booty calls. Number One?
Riker: Not me sir, I am a strict one woman - per day - man.
LaForge: Sigh.

 

[Mistral]

All of Picard's repressed memories from that terrible 4 years he'd lived in the barrio, eating only beans and rice, came rushing back...

 

[bbjeg]

Thanks for the pick.

Data: I don't care if you think your procedure will boost the ship's efficiency. It will undoubtedly create a vortex that will threaten the ship and envelope your mother in a pocket dimension.

Riker: Really?
Worf: Yep, that's basically what a Klingon breast feels like.

LaForge: It's currently generating the Enterprise's warp field. What are you entering in the senior officer's science fair?
Riker: A clock that's ran by a potato.

 

[Jonas Grumby]

LaForge: "Hey, guys, check out what Lieutenant Popeil just came up with!"
Riker: "What does it do?"
LaForge: "Damn near everything!"

 

[Nerys Myk]

DATA: D..D..did I ever tell you how mush I hate you, you little punk. You wesh yer saving the day and pulling magic tech outa yer ash! I'm the Schpock around here you weasel! I'm the Schpock!!!!!!

(Throws up on Wesley's sweater)

 

[Avro Arrow]

Thanks for the award, Lead-Nosed Reindeer!

Jean-Luc hung his head because he knew that he'd been beat,
And he laid that golden trumpet on the ground at the Q's feet...

Captain's Log, Stardate 45701.3. Mr. Data and I are completing our survey of Toralia IV, where the society and culture are almost identical to late 19th century England. Apparently James Kirk's multiple log entries referencing parallel Earths may not have been, as I initially believed, complete bullshit.

Data: I will be with you in a moment, Wesley. Lieutenant Yar had mentioned it would be better if I had an extra twelve inches on me, so I am going to attach this additional foot.

Worf: I feel we are being watched.
Riker: I'll do a human psionic mind scan to see if another sentient being has touched this object recently.
Worf: Sir, I must protest! Human telepathic abilities were retconned away after the second TOS pilot!

LaForge: ... so then we'll be able to store...
Picard (interrupting): Wait a minute. Since when did I have a holographic display in my ready room desk?
LaForge: Um... since we left Utopia Planitia, sir. It's in the original Galaxy class specifications.
Picard: So I could have been viewing porn on it all this time?
Riker: Sir, remember the incident with the holographic displays in the conference lounge?
Picard: Ah, quite right, Number One. Mr. LaForge, have this one removed as well, and never reference it again for the rest of our mission!

 

[Bad Thoughts]

Thank you for the win!

Picard: Are we certain we want Q to take care of entertainment at the O'Brien's wedding reception?
Riker: It's either this or let Q plan the Chief's bachelor party.
Picard: Merde.

Riker: Steam pipes, foam walls, out of place blankets, lighting rigs--we must be trapped in a Syfy monster movie!
Word: Commander, look to your right! A disembodied arm is about to attack us!

 

[Bad Thoughts]

LaForge: "Hey, guys, check out what Lieutenant Popeil just came up with!"
Riker: "What does it do?"
LaForge: "Damn near everything!"

Picard: I bought a can from that shyster that was supposed to regrow hair. Now look at me.
Riker: It worked for me.

 

[Ramicus]

Picard: Shut up, Wesley!

Data: Captain, my friend. I need da money.
Picard: I get you da money, don't worry!

Data, completely oblivious: Now Wesley, the key to this project...

Worf: Choose your pool noodle wisely, Commander.

LaForge: /Look Captain, no hands!

 

[Ln X]

Picard: For some reason I feel the urge to commence a soliloquy.

Data: Now Wesley you saw nothing okay? This may be the Captain's dismembered arm, but I assure you that I will put him back together as good as new! Now where are his legs?

Worf: I will never understand the human's fetish for fur.

Picard: You're telling me gizmo 1 combined with gizmo 2 will resolve our predicament?
Geordi: Yeah, you could say that.

 

[Ln X]

Captain's Log: Worst rendition of Mexican style music EVAH!

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Picard: "I find this button in the street. Then I find the young lady whose dress the button belongs to. And she is so grateful for its return that she takes me to bed! What do you think?"
Data: "Not the most imaginative holo-program I have ever seen, but I suppose it gets the job done."

 

[Armored Saint]

RIKER: Possibly the answer, Captain, but I'm not certain. Captain, you are aware of the Vulcan technique of the joining of two minds.
WORF: You think you can get through to that thing?
RIKER: It's possible.
WESLEY (OS): CUT! Data, **sigh** why are you in the field of view?
DATA: I apologize. I just found a better Horta that this ancient piece of fishnet for your school's video project.

 

[JirinPanthosa]

RIKER: That's the last time I put Data in charge of the Captain's birthday party.

PICARD: What is this substance, Data? Could it be a clue?
DATA: Captain, you know horses walked around the streets in the 19th century, right?
PICARD: ...So, not a clue then?

DATA: Take out the trash Wesley.

RIKER: Whew, they didn't find my porn stash.

RIKER: Geordi, did you program the computer to sound like Scarlet Johansson?
GEORDI: I'm building her a robot body. This is the head.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Riker: #%#*%##$! T-Mobile communicators.

 

[LeadHead]

New Contest!