TNG Caption This! 333: Am I Not Human?

[LeadHead]

Hello everyone! Yay! I didn't miss this weekend!

First up to the plate, we have the "Deep Thoughts" Award, going to:

Riker: What's wrong, sir?

Picard: Numbah One...I just can't get it out of my head. What if the Hokey Pokey really IS what it's all about?

Next, we have the "24th Century Economics" Award, going to:

Riker: The Federation has been free of an economic system that requires money in exchange for goods and services for almost 100 years now and the Captain still thinks it's funny to walk into Ten-Forward and yell, "Hey everybody, drinks are on me!"

Troi: You're just jealous you didn't think of it first.

Next, we have the "Helm Expert" Award, going to:

Yar: But sir, if we take that route we'll warp into the planet.
Picard: What about....
Yar: Nope. Magnitude ten ion storm. We'll be ripped apart.
Picard: This one?
Yar: Sir, that's the lavatory occupied button.
Picard: Make it so, Lieutenant.
Yar: Yes sir. Shall I activate the "fasten seatbelts" sign as well?
Picard: Engage.
Yar: Sigh. Engaging, sir. <toilets flush>

Next, we have the "Dangerous Enemies" Award, going to:

Worf: Commander! A hostile military force appears to have infiltrated our computer! Our hard drive is being read by somebody called General Protection Fault!

Next, we have the "Only way the Ferengi can be threatening" Award, going to:

Ensign: Are you sure this isn't important?

Worf: Nah, it's just the equipment that stops the Ferengi making us look like complete and utter idiots. How much are we likely to need that on this mission?

Our photoshop award, goes to:

STEWART: The bloody director keeps yelling cut. Something about "lensflare".

Data: (dictating aloud) Second Officer's Log: The Enterprise crashed into thirty nine different objects this watch alone. I suspect Lieutenant Worf's claims of accidental rammings to be fabricated as he was screaming "Today is a Good Day to die, prepare for ramming speed." Lieutenant LaForge's accidental collisions are less severe but more frequent, leading me to question if a visually impaired officer should be piloting the ship. Statistics suggest a child would be better than these two. I will recommend immediate replacement to the Captain.

Picard: Again?
Riker: Someone has to sit Geordi down and explain to him that this isn't engineering.

And a special award, going to:

Riker: When I heard it was about "moving mountains," I thought there would be at least ONE image of Deanna's breasts...

Picard: I'm disappointed, too, Number One.

Why the special award for this entry? Because of the comment on Thread title. Recently, the thread titles have been coming from a single source. (Only exceptions, Goldshirts Appreciation and Spooky) I'm wondering if anyone can figure this out, without using the internet.

And now, a New contest featuring everybody's favorite Android!

Enjoy!

 

[LeadHead]

Picard: Worf! The bridge is under attack!

Worf: Deal with it yourself, I'm on a break.

Crusher: (over comm) Crusher to Bridge, Commander Riker's mind and thoughts has been uploaded elsewhere.

Picard: But where?

Data: Please, Captain, Commander, do not fight. We must sell tickets first.

Data: Listen Kid, I'm saving the day this week. Back off.

Data: (Technobabble)

La Forge: (Technobabble)

Worf: I need to find new friends.

 

[Finn]

Riker: How did you win the tallest Bridge Officer award at the party last night. Worf and I were there!

Data: My legs can stretch about 20 centimeters...Sir

Worf: *mutters* Too bad this isn't Deep Space nine. That thing would be attacking Miles at Quark's, to add some excitement over a glass of prune juice.

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Data: "Well, obviously had I known it was vital to the operation of the life support systems, I would have called you down to Engineering to look at it rather than tearing it loose and bringing it up here."

 

[Nerys Myk]

WORF: As Security Officer, I should probably stop that guy. But chance are I'd just get my ass handed to me....again.[

DATA: Captain, you got a sweet ass.

RIKER: Whatcho talking 'bout Data?

As the stream of soda came towards Worf, he remembered how much he hated Temporal Anomalies.

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Troi: "Captain! I sense danger!"

 

[shivkala]

Troi: "Captain! I sense danger!"

Wow, it's going to be hard to follow that caption! I love it!

Worf: Security Officer's Log: I should probably do something about this, but I'm still pissed about the Captain putting his ass all over my console last week.

Data: Jean-Luc, I have made it with a woman. Inform the men.

Data: The agent just sits in silence for a long time. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call yourselves?" "The Aristocrats!"

It was always awkward when Wesley would, unaware he was even doing it, use some sexual innuendo. Each member of the crew had their own way of trying not to crack up, though Geordi, the blind guy's attempt at pretending to stare at the ceiling was perhaps the least effective.

Geordi: Yes! My male enhancement device finally came!

Data: Geordi, I am afraid that we must discuss your love life or lack thereof.

Worf: Let's just cut to the chase, this is an intervention.

Geordi: Okay, yes, I have a problem, I promise I'll go see Deanna...That's it, right? We're good here?

Worf: Apparently you've never attended a Klingon intervention...

 

[bbjeg]

Thanks for the Award.

Alien: Ok, I take it back, don't get it done as fast as you can.

Picard: You're just not good at this Worf. I wonder, who would be the best at this job?

Data: How were you able to solve that when I could not?
Wesley: Of course I'd fix it first, I caused the problem in the first place.

Data: Installing that would make me more disrespectful, judgmental, and territorial.
Worf: What are you waiting for?

 

[Holdfast]

Why the special award for this entry? Because of the comment on Thread title. Recently, the thread titles have been coming from a single source. (Only exceptions, Goldshirts Appreciation and Spooky) I'm wondering if anyone can figure this out, without using the internet.

I'm not sure of the precise original quote, but I'm guessing the title's a riff on Data's own brilliant riff of Shakespeare, "do I not... leak?" [sic], in The Naked Now.

WORF: OK Captain, we're ready, you can turn around now. And for 1000 quatloos, are you ready to play: "New Alien Lifeform or Phaser Blast Explosion?"

DATA: The difference between you and me, Picard, is that I make this uniform look good.

DATA: "... and then she said, if you stick it in just right, you create enough of a spatial anomaly that I can't tell if I'm going or coming."
RIKER: "The scary thing is, with your deadpan delivery, I can't tell if that's a true story or if you're joking."

DATA: Punch me again, and I tear your arm off.
PICARD: You might want to watch this, Geordi; it sounds like it's going be good.

DATA: "... and after it fell out, I stopped being fully functional."

 

[Finn]

Captain's Log: Ever since the O'Briens let Data babysit Molly, Data has been experimenting with greeting crew members with a bout of tickling.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Data: Sir, if you will just allow me to explain again. The infield fly rule applies when there are two or more runners on base, and the batter hits the ball in a precise manner such as to propel the ball directly upward and then down again, to which one of the infielders must be exactly positioned underneath so as to catch the ball without undue effort.

(long pause)

Riker: I have no idea what you just said, Data.

Picard: Perhaps Commander LaForge should run a diagnostic.

Worf: Umpires have no honor!

 

[Nerys Myk]

CREWMAN RICKY: Seriously, am I the only one paying attention? Data's just ignoring the exploding console. Picard's not even facing the explosion. Worf is staring into space. And Troi is twerking!

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

The crossover between TNG and Logan's Run did not go well.

CREWMAN RICKY: And Troi is twerking!

I could stand to hear a little more...

 

[Avro Arrow]

Thanks for the win, LeadHead!!

Finn: No way in hell you're beating my Angry Birds score, Data!

Data: No, I am being truthful, Commander. It was a plastic cube, with nine coloured squares on each face, and each face was a different colour. You would rotate it along the various axes, like this, to deliberately randomize the coloured squares among the various faces, then try to discover the correct sequence of rotations to return it to its original configuration. It provided hours of entertainment for humans in the late twentieth century.
Riker: Those poor, poor bastards...

Wesley: ... and now this is the punchline, so pay attention. He said, "That wasn't my WIFE, that was my FLUTE!".
Data: I am sorry, Wesley, but I still do not understand the joke.
LaForge: *sigh* That's the sixth time Wes. It's not gonna happen; just give it up already!

Data: I have found these components from the Hathaway all over the ship this past week. It is almost as though someone was just tearing things out of the walls and ceiling at random.
LaForge: Why would someone do that?
Data: Unknown. Certainly no one with even the most rudimentary Starfleet training would do such a thing. I suspect we may be dealing with a stowaway; probably one with an extremely limited intellectual capacity.
LaForge: Wait a minute, Data... do you hear... growling?

 

[Nerys Myk]

DATA: No, Wesley. I do not think we need to hear "Mr Hand's" advice.

PICARD: Hold on, Mr. Data. Let's listen to what he has to say.

 

[Avro Arrow]

Picard's new strategy of ending tense situations by ignoring them was not working as well as he'd hoped.

Picard: What!? Why is there an intimate video of Vash and I on the viewscreen? Mr. Worf, deactivate it immediately!
Worf: I can't sir, I'm locked out!
Data: Pass me over for promotion for seven years, and now *Troi* outranks me? Payback time!

Data: No, commander, you need to snap your fingers on both hands in rapid succession, then hit the open palm of one hand against the edge of the other. Please watch my hands more closely this time.

Wesley: This is a rock. It beats your scissors. I win.
Data: Actually, Wesley, my scissors are fabricated with a tritanium alloy and infused with a strength-enhancing nanofibre weave that would render them impervious to damage by most types of rocks, including igneous, metamorphic...
LaForge: Data! It's a game, and you lost fair and square! Shut up and give him the damn credits already!

 

[inflatabledalek]

Thanks FTW Leadhead!

Finn: ...And you will agree to my demands or else I will...


*ZHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP*


Oh my God! I'm so sorry, my finger just slipped, I've ruined your lovely console! I'll just go get my insurance details...

Picard: Did you see what I just saw in the turbolift?

Worf: I see nothing! I see nothing!

Data: And so Sir, the amount of protein in it isn't enough to make it good for you when swallowed, I don't know where you got that idea from but I have been spending most of the afternoon putting the female ensigns you assured that this was the case right.

I also had to tell them you were unlikely to get them promotion.

Picard: Is it too late to get the fat kid from Stand By Me instead?

Data: I must admit, until you pulled his head off I would never have guessed Mr. Mott was another Soong class android all along.

 

[inflatabledalek]

Or alternately...

BBC Executive: This episode is politically naive about the history of terrorism in general and the situation in Northern Ireland in particular... IT MUST BE DESTROYED!

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Wesley: "Ensign Lefler told me that Ensign Rice told her that Lieutenant Hays told her that Lieutenant Powell told him that Nurse Ogawa told him that my mom told her that you nailed Lieutenant Yar! Awesome!"

 

[Finn]

Riker: What is this? An intervention?

Data: We are concerned about your plans next week?

Riker: What are you talking about? Deanna is taking me to a resort planet

Picard: Yes. She said she's gonna drive while you are sitting in the passenger chair blindfolded.