TNG Caption This! 324: Enigmatic Soul

[LeadHead]

Hello everyone! Thank you very much for all of your patience in recent weeks. I am doing well now, sorry I couldn't get a contest up sooner, I was away from a stable internet connection for awhile.

First up to the plate, we have the "Lack of Empathy" Award, going to:

Troi: I'm a very motivated officer, captain. I can do... anything for you.
Picard: Counselor, I'm gay.
Troi: Oh, uhm, ok, that's good, good, nothing wrong with that...
Picard: Counselor, I'm kidding. And since your empathic abilities couldn't tell, you're also fired.

Next, we have the "Humpty Dumpty" Award, going to:

Crusher: Crusher to sickbay! I need all the king's horses & all the king's men... STAT!

Next, we have the "Oops, better have somebody change the ships directory" Award, going to:

Troi: Sir, I don't think referring to my office as "The Champagne Room" is therapeutically valid.

Next, we have the "Miscommunication" Award, going to:

BEVERLY: I got your text last night Worf. Call me when you get off duty. (Wink)
Worf: (Thinking) That wasn't K'elyhr? Oh sh...

Next, we have the "License and Registration, please" Award, going to:

LaForge: Shit, it's the space police!
Data: I did tell you this was only a half-impulse zone and you were going at two-thirds.

Our Photoshop Award, goes to:

Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will you do the Fandango?

Captain's log, Stardate 45345.6. I was quite pleased today when Deanna's first reaction to my new pose was, "I sense overwhelming gravitas."

McFadden: Hey Dorn, do you think they'll still pay me more than you in season 2?

Many thanks to everyone who participated and congrats to our winners! And now, A new contest!

Enjoy!

 

[LeadHead]

La Forge: So, now that he's trapped us in an inescapable asteroid field, can we agree that it was a terrible idea for Wesley to be our pilot?

Worf: Stop complaining, I'm taking you to the brig. The Popular vote was to the airlock.

Worf: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the ready room.

Data: Do you want to stop him or should I?

Data: Captain Picard, I did not realize that if I took command you would defect to the Romulans.

Logan: Listen, if I stop being a total jerk, do you think they'll keep me on for another episode?

 

[Nerys Myk]

LAFORGE: How can I score with the ladies? I need answers people!

PICARD: Sit down, Mister LaForge.

Q: You haven't seen the last of me!

WORF: Yeah. Right. Whatever.

DATA: While I am designed to simulate many human traits, flatulence is not one of them.

LAFORGE: If we reroute the power through the EPS conduits we can generate a tachyon burst from the main deflector....

LOGAN: Whoa. Whoa. Slow down there turbo. Who's the engineer here?

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Q: "But...but...how do you know this isn't a genuine William Ware Theiss costume?"
Picard: "By the way it fits in the crotch! Mr. Worf, get this faker out of here!"

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Logan: Look, you might as well get used to it, *I'm* the chief engineer. Unlike a certain ancestor of mine, Jack Bauer's not taking ME down!

 

[jazzstick]

The staff meeting about Worf's "smell" is not going well...

Jean Luc, it's a game played from your 20th century Earth, perhaps you've heard of it, its called pull my finger!

It was Worf!

Man oh man Geordi, that acid from Baylor IV is kicking in!

 

[Triskelion]

Picard: No, Mister LaForge, the Sack of Rome was not a person.

LaForge: Well he's still my hero and I shall slouch uncomfortably in his memory.

Q: I didn't know dickies were outlawed by the Khitommer Accords!

Mister Data, did you spring a leak?
Nope, took one.

Data: Behold, Worf: the long lost chip from Doctor Soong.
Worf: Emotions?
Data: Kung Fu Grip.
Worf: A warrior's clench.

Larry: Oh, look at me, I'm blind, I wear a hair band on my face. Let me squeeze your boobs.

Worf: Nailed it.

 

[Finn]

Geordi: ... I had an idea. As we all should know, Captain Tucker managed to get his damaged ship out of trouble in the 2170s by inverting the injectors with isophasic plasma flows. All we need to do is have Data monitor it as we fly the ship out of here...

Picard: Make it so

Riker: (thinking) Captain Tucker?....

 

[inflatabledalek]

Thanks for the belly laugh Mr. Head.

Picard: Ah, Mr. Leadhead, nice of you to get back to us. I'd leave Mr. Barclay's holo-programs alone in future if I were you.

Q: I was only in the Voyager episodes, I didn't write them!

Data: Interesting, most people seem to prefer James McAvoy.

Data: Mr. Worf, I am curious as to why you are standing two feet further to the right than normal when operating your console.

Worf: So the director can frame the shot properly.

Logan: Have you met Troi? Lovely....


personality.

 

[Holdfast]

WORF (sotto voce): Glorious Kahless, please kill these endlessly prattling humans with fire & brimstone. Amen".

WORF: You're under arrest for crimes against fashion.
Q: Drop crotch one-piece and suede ankle boots? I'm ahead of the curve, bitch.

PICARD: What do you mean, your neck's now stuck like that?
DATA: Geordi's maintenance leaves a lot to be desired. And he's invalidated my warranty, so it can't be fixed by the factory either.
PICARD: So what do we do?
DATA: Well, we could always rotate the seat.

DATA: Strange. I find myself unable to move my hands.
WORF: Wesley Crusher and his superglue bring great dishonour on us both.

LOGAN: ... and then she says, "that's technically assault, you know"...

 

[Nerys Myk]

WORF: All the humans have been loaded into the shuttles and have left the ship.

DATA: Excellent. Open fire.

WORF: I've a feeling the Captain will regret leaving you in command.

 

[Finn]

Data: *thinking* Gorilla..Clown.. I do not get it

Worf: *thinking* ..Eat a book lately?... I don't get it

 

[JirinPanthosa]

PICARD: Did you call this meeting for a reason, Commander LaForge?
GEORDI: Yes I did. I need all your help. I need you to find out if Lt Carson likes me.

Q: You'll have to explain to me how this toilet of yours works.
WORF: *sigh* Come with me.
Q: Wait, wait! I'll figure it out myself!

DATA: What? I'll I'm saying is, from an objective standpoint, you and Lwaxana Troi would make ideal mates

WORF: What is that the enemy is projecting onto the view screen? It says... 'void x( x(); )' What does that mean?
(Data starts smoking)

LOGAN: Take my word for it Geordi. The best way to get promotions on this ship is to be obnoxious to everyone all the time.

 

[Triskelion]

Data: It was the chair.
Picard: You should seriously have that checked out.

 

[Finn]

Second Officer's Log: It has been two weeks since Captain Picard and Commander Riker left for shore leave on Risa with Counselor Troi and her mother. I have found being in command of the Enterprise a rewarding and learning experience....

I asked LaForge to improve the warp coil efficiency to 99.98 percent, even through 96.4 was within accepted parameters. He has been working hard around the clock improving efficiency in a variety of systems for over a week now. I noted his excellent performance in his records...

Worf: Another message from Risa again. Picard is asking why the Enterprise hasn't returned

Data: Let him know our engines still need work

 

[Nerys Myk]

PICARD: Mister Data, can I have a word with you about your latest experiment with your appearance

 

[shivkala]

Geordi: Worf, I have made it with a woman. Inform the men.

Picard: Mr. LaForge, for the last time, the Holodeck doesn't count. And, with that, let's get down to business...

Q: I suppose this is the part where you expect me to revert to some comic stereotypical villain. What do you expect, something along the lines of, "You haven't heard the last of me! The Enterprise will rue the day it trifled with Q!"

Worf: That'll be enough from you!

Data: ...I am programed in multiple techniques. A broad variety of pleasuring. Why do you ask, Sir?

Data: Data's Log. I have fulfilled my true purpose, the eradication of all human life on this ship. The humans believed my cover, which made it easier to complete my true mission. I have spared the Klingon's life, for now. The minute he stops amusing me, he too shall die.

Worf: Data, enough with your "murdering all humans" fantasy! Captain Picard is due on the bridge at any moment and you promised me I'd have a turn to sit in the chair before he arrived!

"Hundreds of years after the fact, new evidence came to light that indicated Geordi LaForge became the Enterprise's chief engineer after the mysterious death of several of the ship's previous chief engineers. No one ever suspected LaForge's involvement, and, yet, all of the chief engineers before suffered mysterious ailments or accidents shortly after talking with him. LaForge would deny it, of course, but forensic evidence showed his connection with their murders.

Here, we see rare archival footage showing LaForge disorienting Logan after cutting his medicinal marijuana with LSD. Shortly thereafter, Logan would walk out of an airlock and be blown into the vaccum of space in what Enterprise security would dub, "a freak accident."

Recent theories have emerged suggesting that Worf aided LaForge in his engineer murder spree, though evidence has not yet proven this hypothesis. However, it should be noted that Worf was only made chief of security after the death of his predecessor at, "the hands of a living oil sludge," a rather suspicious turn of events in and of itself." --Exercept form The Enterpise-D: Ship of Death, Orgies, and Long-Boring Speeches by New Vulcan Times bestselling author, R'd N. Bry

 

[Finn]

PICARD: Mister Data, can I have a word with you about your latest experiment with your appearance

DATA: If you prefer, I can do a Klingon forehead instead

 

[Jonas Grumby]

LaForge: "'Symmetry'? With all due respect, Captain, 'symmetry' be damned! My back is killing me! We need another chair in here!"

Logan: "You wanna see tough, LaForge? Look at these hands! Steady as a rock! And this after two full hours in the 'Reman Brothel' holodeck program!"

 

[Triskelion]

Picard: Your hairline is off by 2.3 microns on the port temporal plate.
Data: Damn, that is annoying.

Crusher: If LaForge glances at me one more time when he says "booby trap" I'm going to dermal regenerate his taint shut.