TNG Caption This! 299: Great Days Ahead!

[LeadHead]

Hello everyone! I must say, I had a great time with this contest!

First up to the plate, we have the "Unnecessary Demonstrations" Award, going to:

Picard: "Mr. Data, did you have to demonstrate your full functionality to that waitress and get us kicked out? Now we have five hours till New Year's and nothing to do."

Next, we have the "Redshirt" Award, going to:

Picard: Wesley has been begging me about going on an away mission the first star system we stop in...

Data: But sir, this star system does not have any planets, asteroids or any space station of some kind.

Picard: We'll beam him out anyway.

Next, we have the "Impressive Attention to Detail" Award, going to:

Picard: They certainly got the details of London in the late 19th Century: the fog, the taverns, the Holodeck grid...

Next, we have the "Big Mystery" Award, going to:

Picard: "Data, do you have any question about Marti Gras?"

Data: "Yes Captain, why is Counselor Troi accumulating all the beads?"

Next, we have the "Intelligent Fish" Award, going to:

Captain, are you aware that your tank is infested with Venusian sea monkeys?

What are they doing, Data?

They would appear to be giving me the middle flipper.

Next, we have the "Don't mess with the Picards wardrobe!" Award, going to:

Picard: "Hey, I never said you could borrow from my wardrobe, especially my prized 80's Futurism collection; now take 'em off!"
Riva: "What the hell's wrong with you? These are just some fashionable drapes from the rec room!"

Next, we have the "Quite a Pair" Award, going to:

Enterprise Prom Night threw up some unexpected couples.

The Photoshop Award, goes to:

PICARD: The DTI must be mistaken, I see no signs of Temporal Incursion.

Picard: "I sense... I sense... that you're in great pain. That you want me to stop crushing your head... How'd I do?"
Riva: "Okay, okay, I believe you. You're telepathic."

Many thanks to everyone who participated and congratulations to our winners! I enjoyed the Free-for-All contest, we may do it again at some point in the future. I like to do special things for the contest, but never want to overuse them.

Anyhoo, a Supersized contest will happen next week for the 300th Contest of the TNG Caption This! Look forward to it!

In the meantime, lets bring the Comedy!

Enjoy!

 

[LeadHead]

Yar: Captain! My console just locked me out.

Picard: Number One, take care of this.

Riker: Worf, your first job as Chief of Security, fire Tasha Yar.

Picard: Okay, who drew all over my desk with a magic marker?

Worf: Firing Phasers.

La Forge: There's no ships nearby.

Worf: I'm bored. Now go away.

Troi: Hey, come back with my hot chocolate!

Crusher: It turns out we were wrong, Jean-Luc. Tasha was too much for Data, not the other way around.

 

[R. Star]

Riker: Hmm, you know I thought I'd never say this but... look at the ass on that security officer.
Picard: Make it so, Number One.

Picard: Get that broad out of my ready room.

Worf: You'd think the inertial dampeners could compensate for a hangover motion headache... ugh.

Riker: We'll find out who impregnated you Deanna and get him!

Picard: Fire at the enemy god.

 

[Triskelion]

Rest assured I will find out what you are all snickering at!

 

[inflatabledalek]

Stewart: Denise, it's been a year. We know you regret leaving but turning up on set in costume every day in the hope of getting your job back... it's sad.

Picard: Come wake me up when the show stops being terrible.

Worf: No, I will not let you fire a torpedo.

Troi: So is a giant 1940's radar really so essential to making new planets?

Picard: OK, who drew the tiny penis on Data's head?

 

[Triskelion]

Tasha: The cable installers called sir. They won't be able to get here until sometime after 8 AM tomorrow and the year 3014. They said someone has to be here to meet them, or it will be another three millennia.

Picard: Maybe we should stick with satellite, Number One?

Riker: If you think so, sir.

Tasha: That might cut some costs, Captain.

If you need me I'll be under my desk.

I don't know, LaForge. Duranium?

Nope.

Cellulose.

Nope.

Polycarbonate.

Nope.

Look, I do not care what element your VISOR senses in Data's colon! Aaaggggh! Aluminum.

Nope. It was molybdenum, Worf.

Stupid! Stupid!

That word again: molybdenum.

Troi: I'm going to get a soft pretzel. I'll meet you at Forever 21.

Crusher: Fascinating.
Picard: His symptoms, Doctor?
Crusher: He has reverted to his default "pleasuring technique."
Geordi: Reverse Cowgirl Polarity.
Edo God: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

Thanks to Leadhead and Red Dwarf for the belly laugh!

Riker: "Damn! Some assless chaps would look fine on that!"
Yar: "Hey! The day you see that, is the day it becomes standard uniform."
Picard: "A captain should lead by example, don't you think, Numbah One?"
Riker: "If it inspires the right attitude in the crew..."
Yar: thinking "Dear God! What have I started. I wish I was dead..."

Picard: "Computer. Transport urinal to this location."

Worf: "Six weeks ago you were an Ensign, now you outrank me. Who do I have to kill to get a promotion on this ship?"

Riker: "Quick, follow that cleavage."

Picard: "What's wrong with him?"
Crusher: "How should I know? I'm a doctor, not a mechanic."

 

[Ln X]

Picard: Is that a beer belly I see?

Picard: You have the bridge Counsellor Troi, and may God help us all!

Worf: Executive order 666 is ready to be deployed captain.

Troi: What is that weird circular dish with the moving green line?
Data: Elementary my dear counsellor, that is called radar.

Beverly: Well this is embarrassing, it seems his console swung out and hit his off switch!

 

[Nerys Myk]

DATA: So, Counselor. When your ordered the watch, did you use inches or feet in reference to size?

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Edo God: Data...DATA...Oh don't grovel, if there's one thing I can't stand, it's androids groveling!

Picard: Sorry.

Edo God: And don't apologize! Every time I try to talk to someone it's "Sorry" this, and "Forgive me" that, and "I'm not worthy..." What are you doing now?!?

Geordi: I'm averting my VISOR, my lord.

Edo God: Well don't! It's like those miserable Edo. They're so depressing. Now knock it off!

 

[shivkala]

TFTW, Leadhead!

Picard: And that Tom-boy haircut, who does she think she's fooling, Number One?

Yar: You realize I'm right here, Captain...

Picard: Engage cloaking device!

Yar: It doesn't work that way, sir.

Picard: Number One, you have the bridge. I have to watch that sexual harassment video because of what happened with Lt. Yar...

Levar: You know, I hate when Patrick calls us up here to prove to his friends he's not racist...

*in the background Patrick: See, I have black friends, I'm totally not racist!

Troi: Come look at the quaint 1980's technology over here!

Troi: Is that...it's Mr. Radar!

Picard: Well, the screen wasn't fully rendering, so I decided to un-plug/re-plug Data to see if that helped. It didn't.

 

[Antni]

*Fart noise*
Tasha: sorry sir...

Picard: Tasha did you use my personal toilet?
Tasha: again sorry sir
Picard: bloody stinks in there.

Worf: hello my names Worf and this is Geordie my assistant and we're the iprobe geniuses how can we help you?

Troi: children!! They always run off.

Data: doctor, quick take a picture of my plank.
Doctor: taken that's going straight onto FEDBOOK
Picard: doctor will you tag me in it please.

 

[Triskelion]

Picard: Ship shape and Bristol fashion, young man.
Tasha: I'm a woman, sir.
Picard: Taking liberties with the cabin boy roster, Number One?
Riker: J'Naii showed me a few tricks, sir.

 

[Nerys Myk]

WORF: On second thought, spitballs and lugies weren't the best way to relieve our boredom.

 

[JirinPanthosa]

PICARD: I don't remember authorizing a Stargate crossover.
TASHA: I'm not Sam Carter, sir, I'm your security chief Tasha Yar.
PICARD: Blond short hair with dark roots, tough girl feminist who gets kidnapped by stereotypes in the third episode. Come on now.
TASHA: Okay, y'got me.

Picard does a quick visual sweep of the room to make sure nobody noticed he had Angry Birds open on his desk.

GEORDI: You know I can see people's pulse and body heat on the infared spectrum. I can tell when somebody is...
WORF: I have no feelings for Doctor Pulaski. She's too old for me.
GEORDI: It's nothing to be ashamed of.
WORF: I WAS THINKING ABOUT K'ELYHR.

Troi suddenly realizes she left Wesley locked in the car.

PICARD: No, no, let it keep scanning us. It's only incapacitated our crew member, we have no reason to think it intends us any harm.

 

[Triskelion]

PICARD: I don't remember authorizing a Stargate crossover.
TASHA: I'm not Sam Carter, sir, I'm your security chief Tasha Yar.
PICARD: Blond short hair with dark roots, tough girl feminist who gets kidnapped by stereotypes in the third episode. Come on now.
TASHA: Okay, y'got me.

Tasha: Hey, just because my genitals are on the inside....

 

[Isis]

LeadHead, TFTW.

Geordi: "Earth's 1960s called. They want their women's hair style back."

 

[Nerys Myk]

WORF: You said this place would be crawling with chicks. And they'd be into us.

GEORDI: And you believed me? I'm Geordi LaForge, Wesley gets more action than me!!!

 

[Gil T.Azell]

Picard: "Mr. Data , No Planking on the Bridge, besides you're doing it wrong."

 

[Nerys Myk]

PICARD: Doctor, I've no idea how many batteries he takes.