TOS Caption Contest #198: Poker Faces
- Thread starter Rat Boy
- Start date
Spock: Commodore, we're being hailed by a woman named Jessica Fletcher who's trying to locate a Dr. Seth Hazlitt.
A.V.I.A.F.
Captain
Spock: Commodore, Lt. Uhura is waiting for me in her quarters. I have a 97.004% chance of making it to second base with her but only if I can find a date for her friend Lt. "Plain Jane" Palmer back there. Can you do a brother a solid?
Decker: I am sorry Mr. Spock, but there isn't enough Romulan Ale in the galaxy to drink her pretty.
Kirk: No word of a lie! Bones said he had his arm in up to here when he delivered that baby on Capella IV!
Norman: I still say "bullshit!"
Kirk: You see that streak there? That's why we have to let you go from the galley staff. Your severance will be in the mail.
Decker: "Have you figured out who's been sending those explosive packages?"
Spock: "THE WOMEN!"
Kirk: "It's a shame there's only one of you."
Norman: "Why is that?"
Kirk: "I was going to tell you to go fuck yourself."
Kirk: "Would you be upset if I said I preferred Katy Perry's music over yours?"
SPOCK: Captain Kirk, you look particularly whiny today.
DECKER: I'm Commodore Decker, Spock!
SPOCK: You humans all look alike. Like Lieutenant Uhura over there...
KIRK: No, Spock's heart is where his liver should be. His testicles are about here.
KIRK: Let me tell you about this Earth thing called "kissing"...
SHANNA: Sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.
"Sir, I do apologize, I don't know how you got the only yeoman in Starfleet who looks frumpy in a mini-skirt."
Decker: HEYYY thats no yeoman, that's my sister!
I love myself
I want you to love me
When I'm feelin' down
I want you above me
I search myself
I want you to find me
I forget myself
I want you to remind me
I want you
I don't want anybody else
And when I think about you
I touch myself
Ooh, oooh, oooooh, aaaaaah
Spock: "Commodore, the Lieutenant you brought over with you is not up to the Enterprise's beauty standards. Recommend you have her eliminated."
Kirk: "I tried to tell you-Human arms don't just 'pop off' !"
Norman: "Alternate with your left hand. Your arms will be even and your dick will stay straight."
Spock: "Vulcan's never brush."
Palmer: "Or use mouthwash."
Decker: "This is why Kirk goes on landing parties."
Shanna moved quickly, but the platter did not deflect the stench.
Kirk: "How's that for a quatloo?"
Kirk: "No, I'm not 'bionic.' What the hell is that?"
Spock: "Lieutenant Palmer, why are you wearing the male version of the skant uniform?"
Palmer: "I didn't know I was! How can you tell the difference?"
Spock: "The male version has a slightly lower hem...to accommodate the 'dangle factor.'"
Decker: "Ew!"
Kirk: wait... you're doing it now?
Norman: the function is happening now; right now, yes.
Kirk: can you stop the function?
Norman: yes, but only after the function has completed.
Kirk: I demand that you stop the function before it is complete. Spock, can you get a transporter lock on this thing?
Spock: Attempting a transporter lock... now...
Kirk: Transport the Norman as soon as...
Norman: FUNCTION COMPLETE!
Bridge crew: uuuuughhhhh gawwwwwd....... [Scotty: fekkin' grewse...]
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Blasphemy, I tell you. Palmer was hot!
"Mr. Norman, let me assure you, that is NOT how a handjob is done."
Kirk: When I asked for a shot in the arm, I was expecting an innoculation, not a forward jab. What kind of medic are you?
Ensign Lurch: I'm an economist.
Kirk, giving mirror to Shana: Mirror, mirror, in your hands, who's the fairest in the land?
McCoy, OS: *audible groan*
Spock, OS, audible whisper: That was indeed his worst line yet.
