TOS Caption Contest #143: Mostly Muddy, Chance of Prostitutes

[M'Sharak]

Stella: Harcourt! Harcourt Fenton Mudd, where have you been?! And what about the
eleven herbs and spices, Harcourt? Don't you know that's what makes it finger l-
Mudd: Shut up!
Stella: ...lickinnn', kinnn, kinnn
[beat]
McCoy (smiling): Say, I'm hungry!

<muzak plays>
Mudd: Girl from Ipanema?
Spock: Correct.

Mudd: Still, could be worse. It could be that cheap Casio loop of 'Greensleeves' that
makes going up three decks seem like forever.
Spock: Indeed.

 

[LeadHead]

Spock: Elevator Ediquette demands that I not speak, however I must ask, why in gods name do you women travel around with this sleazebag?

Kirk: I'm glad you could all assemble here in my hotel room on such short notice. We need to discuss a few...... Spock, why are they all smiling?
Spock: They cleaned out the mini fridge Sir.

Chekov: I knew it! This thing is only a big blue light! Spock doesn't do anything!

McCoy: She voluntarily put herself into this thing?
Mudd: Well, in a way, yes.
Kirk: What do you mean?
Mudd: It was one of those little things I sneaked into the Pre-Nup.

 

[Maurice]

SPOCK: Please instruct the young lady in purple to stop oogling my admittedly shapely Vulcan tuckus.

The supporting cast's joy at being the focus of the scene was short lived....

CHEKOV: See?! Gene vas right! Crewman Beckvith is innocent! It vas Scotty selling the drugs!

STELLA: I choose bachelor number ONE!
BONES: Imagine our disappointment...

--or--

It was only then that Harry got The Point.

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

Spock: "As a human, Mr Mudd, do you not find it awkward maintaining your composure in this sea of female pheromones?"
Mudd: "Not a problem laddie, my stomach hides my erection."
Spock: "Ah, the logic of obesity is made clear."

Kirk: "What are you guys hanging around here for?"
McCoy: "Sexbots. We wore the first lot out."
Chekov: "I'm vaiting for somevun to sqveeze my buttcheeks together and beat vun off."
Kirk: "Huh?"
Scott: "It's his way."

Chekov: "I like it vhen you cup my balls like that."
Uhura: "I'm not cupping your balls."
Chekov: "I know. I vasn't talking to you."

Mudd: "And this is the wife... Stella Mudd."
Stella: "That's Stella Janeway Mudd you ignoramus!"

 

[Tribble]

Spock: No, the turbolift doesn't travel through time, and of course it is not bigger on the inside.

 

[Triskelion]

Mudd: Deck three, musical instruments, hay, party dresses, inflatable clowns, magic top hats.
...

Mudd: Deck four, assorted balls, ceiling tiles, snack foods, girlswear, old man glasses.
...

Mudd: Deck five, Raisinets, wigs, pencils, horseshoes, Vulcan general supplies. (ahem) Vulcan general supplies.
...

Mudd: Deck six, camel blankets, kimchi, bicycle pumps, bifurcated measuring devices, televisions.
...
<Spock gets off>.

Kirk: Ok, let me guess - but - you're all still here.
Spock: Negative, Captain. One of us has departed.
Kirk: Let me see...is it Commander Scott?
Scotty: Nay, Captain, I'm right here.
Kirk: It must be Scotty.
Scotty: Nae, I'm over here, Captain. Guess again, sir.
Kirk: Well it looks like everyone's here except Scotty.
Sulu: <storms out of closet and leaves room in a huff>

Chekov: Sir, in orbit now of a pair of giant asteroids. Look at those craters!
Redshirt: Hey, those aren't asteroids....
Uhura: I know he didn't put a toilet cam on me again!

 

[Shatmandu]

Spock: "Butt Pirate, more like."

Uhura loved winning fart contests.

Uhura: "Now that's how you DP a lady."

Stella: "YOU'RE SO CHEAP, YOU WOULDN'T EVEN GIVE THE TWO GIRLS ONE CUP!"

 

[Triskelion]

Shrew: Fat-ass!
Mudd: Ball-buster!
Shrew: Brillo-head!
Mudd: Harpie!
Shrew: Brown-hound!
Mudd: Train Tunnel!
<begin tongue kissing and fall to ground>
<McCoy nudges Kirk, they back slowly out of room>

 

[Rat Boy]

Kirk: "Meh, I'd still hit it."

Spock: "For the last time, I'm not Carl Spock."

 

[Shatmandu]

Crazy-looking German Broad: "De forked pee-nis. Gimme see it."
Spock: "In due time."

 

[Nerys Myk]

MUDD: Oops, I messed up the file name. This is the StellaStevens model.

KIRK: I'll be in my bunk.

 

[Maurice]

SPOCK: Two words, Mr. Mudd: Butt Pirate.

Spock: "Butt Pirate, more like."

Familiar...

 

[scottydog]

Spock: "The midget crouching in the back of this turbo-lift -- he is interested in one thing and one thing only."

Mudd: "And what would that be?"

Spock: "THE WOMEN!"

 

[Nerys Myk]

riffing

MUDD: Ye seem a bit nervous laddie. Why is that?

SPOCK: THE WOMEN! (bites lip)

 

[scottydog]

Spock: "I am... caught... in the turbo-lift doors."

Mudd: "That must really hurt."

Spock: "Twice as bad as you can imagine."

Kirk: "Musical chairs again Spock?"

Spock: "Indeed."

Kirk: "Were you having fun?"

Spock: "Were having fun, yes."

Chekov: "No wonder Marcellus Wallace wanted this thing so badly!"

McCoy: "Window shopping in Amsterdam just aint what it used to be."

 

[scottydog]

more riffing

MUDD: "Why do you have such a bad case of green balls?"

SPOCK: "THE WOMEN!" (bites lip)

 

[Nerys Myk]

HOOKER1: Great another Star Trek Convention at the hotel.

HOOKER2: Yep, Another two nights of being asked "how many quatloos" followed by a high pitched giggle. (sighs)

SPOCKFAN (thinking) Crap there goes my come on line!

 

[Gil T.Azell]

Today on Jerry Springer: Men who travel the galaxy to leave their wives, and then bring their wives along with them.

Photoshop winner!!

 

[Shatmandu]

SPOCK: Two words, Mr. Mudd: Butt Pirate.

Spock: "Butt Pirate, more like."

Familiar...

Disturbed minds think alike.

Joe, disturbeder

 

[Triskelion]

<elevator breaks down>
Spock / Mudd: Firsts.
Ensign in back: Crap.