TOS Temporary Caption Contest #5: Love, Hate & The Big River

[Shatmandu]

Hiya, folks.

Nice workout last week. I felt the burn, and we got a few new folks in on the act, which is always good.

Any lurkers, please give it a shot. As you'll note, no one will beat on you if your joke sucks. (If they did, I'd be a pulp.)

This week's bits are thus:

And a bonus shot I wasn't sure of:

Go nuts.

Joe, sack

 

[Shatmandu]

Kirk: "I've had it lengthened."

Sulu: "We've reached the Planet of Living Props."
McCoy: "You going to beam down and visit family?"

Kirk: "There's something called 'roadhead' I want to talk to you about after we get on the interstate ..."

 

[Rat Boy]

The two straws in Areel's drink inexplicably remind Kirk of Spock and the love that would never be.

McCoy: "Man, Connie Chung really let herself go."

Kirk: "All right, there's the clutch, there's the starter, but where the fuck's the Nokia?"

 

[Hambone]

KIRK: The little umbrella is what makes it a "scotch on the rocks". I learned this from watching Family Guy reruns.

AREEL: Idiot.

ANNOUNCER: New, from Ronco! "Sulu's-head-in-a-box"!

MCCOY: Gotta git me one o' them.

KIRK: Idiot.

KIRK: This is not "your father's antique automobile"!

SPOCKO: Idiot.

 

[Shatmandu]

Kirk: "Your eyes are like limpid pools of nourishing water. I'd like to skinny-dip in them."

Kirk: "No, Sulu, I will not lift the restraining order so you can attend staff meetings in person."

Kirk: "I know Mexican food is a mess in the car, but I really want Taco Bell right now."

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

Kirk: "Why Bones, you're right. Those earings do suit you. Now the caftan..."

Kirk: "Hey! Dickwad! We're over here!"

Spock: "Illogical Captain, One doesn't do a driveby without a 'fro."

 

[Shaw]

Kirk: Captain to engineering... Mr. Scott, I thought you told me we were prepared for the digital transition today!

 

[Ryan Thomas Riddle]

Shaw: I love you.
Kirk: That's weird.

Kelly: This remake of Harold and Kumar just isn't that good. I mean who the hell would replace John Cho with George Takei!
Shatner: I know. I know.

Spock: If memory serves, you rolled a '66 Corvette off a query cliff in your youth...
Kirk: I'm telling ya, Spock. The gears just aren't the same.

Spock (off-camera): Displaying the historical documents, Captain.

 

[Mr. Adventure]

"Spock assured me this is a manly drink."

In the future, even though HDTV will be sharper than its surroundings, the novelty is dulled by the fact that conference calls still can't be avoided.

"I know it's not much Spock but it's the only way I could break the ice with that Progressive insurance girl."

 

[Shatmandu]

Kirk: "I still want to have sex with you and all, but that blouse is friggin' horrible."

Kirk: "And how many of these Nude Jumping Jacks sessions did he require you to undertake?"
Sulu: "Hundreds."

Kirk: "Okay, when the fat girl on the roller skates asks what you want on your hot dog, say, 'Just you, hot stuff.'"

 

[Ryan Thomas Riddle]

Kirk: I just have to ask. You are a woman, right? Because you know the old saying, "Fool me once..."

 

[Nerys Myk]

KIRK: I've no idea why that waiter brought me this drink. I didn't order it.

SHAW: Then why did he say "Here's your usual Jimmy."

 

[Rat Boy]

Shaw: "James Kirk, my dear old love – I am the prosecution."

Kirk: "Boobies...er...what were we talking about?"

Kirk: "This'd be cooler if it had hydraulics."

Kirk: "Is it safe to come back to the bridge?"

Sulu: "No, Spock and Uhura are still making out."

 

[Alrik]

Spock: "First the Corvette, now this. What is it with you and convertables?"

Kirk: "What can I say? I'm a ragtop man."

 

[Nerys Myk]

SHATNER: This suit smells like Robert Stack.

 

[Deranged Nasat]

"Captain Kirk, this is McCoy. Wake up, Jim! Yes, yes, "brrrrmm-brrrmmm", now wake up, dammit, we have a situation on our hands..."

 

[Triskelion]

Kirk: "Shag" was just an expression. I didn't mean you had to incarnate it.

Keep your eyes open, Spock. We're coming up on Sulu's corner.

Kirk: Sulu will you please exit your chat programs in the communal terminals.
McCoy: At least he's got clothes on this time, Jim.
Sulu: Well...half right.

 

[Shatmandu]

Shaw: "I don't know. The bartender called it a Sulu Sunrise."

Kirk: "I had you rent a convertible ..."
Spock: "... due to my penchant for breaking wind in the car. Yes, I remember, Captain."

Sulu: "They're doing the contests, but with a Temporary label. Outpost4 is still not responding."
Kirk, switching off viewer: "Recommendations, Gentlemen?"

Kirk: "Yes, Spock: if we get the chance, you can 'bust a cap in someone's ass.'"

Kirk: "But you've got to put out: you ordered the lobster."

 

[Ryan Thomas Riddle]

Kirk: How 'bout we go back to my hotel room and play a little dock the pink starship?

-or-

Kirk: How 'bout a little oral summation, counselor?

-or-

Kirk: How 'bout I badger your witness?

And one last one to groan on...

Kirk: How 'bout you let me Rodden your berry?

 

[Shatmandu]

Kirk: "If I remember right, you liked it up the shuttle bay."

Kirk: "Care to show me your legal briefs?"