Funniest moments in DS9

[ninetofive]

Babel
Captain Jaheel: “Dog…fellow…distance.”
Odo: “Tell me about it.”

Q-Less
Vash: “What was it they called you on Brax? The God of Lies?
Q: “They meant it affectionately.”

WotW
Worf butts heads with his father’s friend at the song.

Bar Association
O’Brien: “Now I either I paint a nose, eyes and mouth on it and pretend I’ve got two heads, or you take it off.
Bashir: I’ll get you some paint.

Apocalypse Rising
O’Brien (in a deep voice): “I’ll do better next time”.

Ascent
Odo: With all this lip-smacking how could I hear anything?

Change of heart.
Dax: “I think I’d like a chiffon badage this time. Maybe some rhinestones…something with a little pizzazz.” This is vintage Jadzia. I know a lot of people found her annoying and think she was just eye candy, but I thought she was really funny.

Extreme Measures.
Sloan calls his wife “muffin.” This wasn’t even a comic scene – it just came out of nowhere and really cracked me up. It could’ve been anything: sugar, honey, darling or half a dozen other things. Freakin’ genius.

 

[Apogeal Alpha01]

You Are Cordially Invited. When Worf suggests to Martok that perhaps he should speak to Lady Sirella on Jadzia’s behalf, and Martok informs him that it would be a bad idea because she didn’t like him either. “Don’t worry! I had every right to bring you into the House of Martok, and she knew there was nothing she could do about it!” The entire scene is very funny.

One among many.

 

[Captain Leslie]

Ive just been watching Armageddon Game from season 2.
O'Brien Tells Keiko "Sure I do!" (drink Coffee in the afternoon) really funny!

 

[Anthony Sabre]

Jake - We must find Willie Mays and stop him. In the Cards

Sisko - It's hammock time!

Jake - Yo! Explorers

 

[Kira45]

Jadzia (re: Emony's night with McCoy): "I had a feeling he'd become a doctor.....he had the hands of a surgeon." Trials and Tribble-ations

 

[Lateralus]

Bashir: I can't believe you're not pressing charges.
Garak: Constable Odo and Captain Sisko expressed a similar concern, but really doctor, there was no harm done.
Bashir: They broke seven of your transverse ribs and fractured your clavical.
Garak: Ah, but I got off several cutting remarks which no doubt did serious damage to their egos.
Bashir: Garak, this isn't funny.
Garak: I'm serious, doctor! Thanks to your administrations I'm almost completely healed but the damage I did to them will last a lifetime.

 

[Damask]

WORF
And you'll have one. But I want to know why such a security
breach was allowed to occur in the first place.

ODO
Unfortunately, these things happen.

WORF
They did not happen on the Enterprise.

ODO
Really?

Rene's "really" just sells it.

 

[Photon]

"Well, hello!" Damar chuckles when the new Weyoun clone walks into the Dominion headquarters. "I'm glad to see you find the death of my predecessor so amusing," Weyoun says sourly; Damar replies, "You misjudge me. I miss him deeply. Here, let's drink to Weyoun Seven." Weyoun, unamused, asks about the prisoners' execution, which Damar says is set for tomorrow afternoon. They haven't signed the confessions. "Maybe you should talk to Worf again," Damar chortles.

 

[nx1701g]

NOG: One last thing... how do we know that's really Moogie and not a changeling?
ISHKA: I think that uniform is too tight on you, Nog. It's cutting off circulation to your brain.
ROM: Sounds like Moogie.
NOG: Only one way to find out...
Nog whips out a small Ferengi knife and moves toward Moogie. Instantly, the Jem'Hadar soldiers point their weapons at Nog, but fortunately for him, Yelgrun holds up his hand to stop the soldiers from firing.
YELGRUN: Wait. This should be... interesting.
Nog takes Moogie's hand and before she can object, cuts her on the palm.
ISHKA: Oww!
Quark, Rom and Nog look at the blood on her palm.
QUARK: It's real blood all right.
ROM: I knew it was Moogie.
ISHKA: (to Nog, angry) Now let's see if you're a changeling...
Ishka reaches out with her good hand and grabs Nog's ear, then bangs him over the head with her fist.
NOG: Oww!
ROM: That's no way to tell if he's a changeling.
ISHKA: You're right -- give me that knife.

 

[Lateralus]

I still can't believe they got Iggy Pop to play Yelgrun. Very, very cool.

 

[AdmiralGarak]

Bashir: "They just chewed it?"
O'Brien: "No. They infused the gum with flavor."
Bashir: "What did you infuse it with?"
O'Brien: "Scotch."

(After Rom used the parts from Quark's disruptor for repairs)
Quark: "I'll kill him!"
Odo: "With what?"

All of Tribble-ations, but in particular the "Great Tribble Hunt" conversation.

(Don't remember the exact quotes for this one: )
Terran rebel: "You executed my wife!"
Intendant: "What a coincidence! I was hoping you were single."

 

[scorpius1701]

I didnt like the so called "comedy episodes" that much. I like it better if its sort of just casually placed in the script like they did in TNG

From Cardassians (a VERY overlooked episode)
Bashir is ringing Sisko's door chime and has woken him up and hes annoyed
Bashir: Im sorry sir, but i need to borrow a runabout.
Sisko: And im assuming this couldnt wait until morning?
Bashir: Uh no sir, its actually for Garak, hes rather insistent that we leave for Bajor now.
Sisko: Oh! well certainly doctor, by all means. Will ONE runabout be sufficient?

 

[Darth_Pazuzu]

Rocks And Shoals...after the crew crash-lands the Jem'Hadar vessel into the water:

O'Brien: Oh, no! I can't believe it!
Sisko: What? What is it?!
O'Brien: I tore my pants!
Sisko: You...you what? You tore your pants?!
O'Brien: [Thinks about it for a minute] Yeah! I tore my pants! [Breaks into laughter, followed by Sisko and the others] I must really be in trouble now, huh?!

 

[Keogh]

"Well, hello!" Damar chuckles when the new Weyoun clone walks into the Dominion headquarters. "I'm glad to see you find the death of my predecessor so amusing," Weyoun says sourly; Damar replies, "You misjudge me. I miss him deeply. Here, let's drink to Weyoun Seven." Weyoun, unamused, asks about the prisoners' execution, which Damar says is set for tomorrow afternoon. They haven't signed the confessions. "Maybe you should talk to Worf again," Damar chortles.

I loved that scene too, just priceless hilarity.

 

[Temis the Vorta]

"Nice hat."

And he wasn't even talking about a sombrero.

Anything with Damar vs. Weyoun - the "transporter accident," their conversation about the Prophets being "false gods" versus the Founders who are REAL gods, and of course, talking to Worf again.

 

[eastman23]

One of my favourites is in "What You Leave Behind" when Kira, Damar, and the rebels are outside Dominion HQ joking about their inability to get inside the cargo doors.

Garak: We have a problem.
Kira: Just one?
Garak: I'm afraid it's a rather large one. The door is made of neutronium.
Kira: Then the explosives we brought aren't even going to make a dent.
Garak: You see the problem.
Other Cardassian: What do we do now?
Damar: I don't know. But I'm through hiding in basements.
*Garak starts laughing to himself*
Damar: I fail to see what is so funny Garak.
Garak: Isn't it obvious? Here we are, ready to storm the castle, willing to sacrifice our lives in a noble effort to slay the Dominion beast in it's lair, and we can't even get inside the gates!
Kira (in between laughs): Maybe we could go up to the door and ask the Jem'Hadar to let us in.
Damar: Or just have them send the shapeshifter out to us.
*the whole team erupts in laughter*
Garak (after the laughter dies down): As I said... we have a problem.

 

[Red Ranger]

People:

All good ones. I don't remember the name of the ep, but it's a first season one where Bashir has to deal with a bunch of disgruntled ambassadors who aren't happy with anything he does. He throws up his hands and exclaims, "They are the ambassadors of UNHAPPY!"

I also like when in The Way of the Warrior, Odo and Bashir are telling each other to be careful when the Klingons come.

BASHIR: I'm sure that some Klingon thinks that slaying a Changeling is worthy of a song or two.
ODO: Doctor, if a Klingon were to kill me, I'd expect nothing less than an entire opera on the subject.
BASHIR; Yes, well, I don't want to have to hear it. Watch your back.

Red Ranger

 

[Lightbulb Sun]

Way of the Warrior:

Quark: This is my bar and I'm going to defend it.
Odo: Really? And how do you plan to do that?
Quark: With this! (holds up box)
Odo: You're going to hit them with a box?
Quark: No, this is my disrupter pistol, the one I used to carry in the old days when I was serving on that Frengi freighter.
Odo: I thought you were the ship's cook?
Quark: That's right, and every member of that crew thought he was a food critic. If the Klingons try to get through these doors, I'll be ready for them. (Opens box)
Odo: (takes out note in otherwise empty box) "Dear Quark, I used parts of your disrupter to repair the replicators, will return them soon. -Rom
Quark: I will kill him!
Odo: With what?


(First post, btw, hi gang! *waves*)

 

[Photon]

Way of the Warrior:

Quark: This is my bar and I'm going to defend it.
Odo: Really? And how do you plan to do that?
Quark: With this! (holds up box)
Odo: You're going to hit them with a box?
Quark: No, this is my disrupter pistol, the one I used to carry in the old days when I was serving on that Frengi freighter.
Odo: I thought you were the ship's cook?
Quark: That's right, and every member of that crew thought he was a food critic. If the Klingons try to get through these doors, I'll be ready for them. (Opens box)
Odo: (takes out note in otherwise empty box) "Dear Quark, I used parts of your disrupter to repair the replicators, will return them soon. -Rom
Quark: I will kill him!
Odo: With what?


(First post, btw, hi gang! *waves*)

NICE 1ST POST. WELCOME YOUNG GRASSHOPPER

 

[Lateralus]

Way of the Warrior:

Quark: This is my bar and I'm going to defend it.
Odo: Really? And how do you plan to do that?
Quark: With this! (holds up box)
Odo: You're going to hit them with a box?
Quark: No, this is my disrupter pistol, the one I used to carry in the old days when I was serving on that Frengi freighter.
Odo: I thought you were the ship's cook?
Quark: That's right, and every member of that crew thought he was a food critic. If the Klingons try to get through these doors, I'll be ready for them. (Opens box)
Odo: (takes out note in otherwise empty box) "Dear Quark, I used parts of your disrupter to repair the replicators, will return them soon. -Rom
Quark: I will kill him!
Odo: With what?


(First post, btw, hi gang! *waves*)

Bahahahaha. I had forgotten about that completely.

You win.