A recent conversation with an online friend (?) has triggered one of my deepest-set childhood traumas and made me feel really crappy about myself. It was a perfect storm of a trigger where I not only was I given unsolicited life advice without even having complained about anything, this person was also extremely persistent, didn't take no for an answer, and casually dismissed any of my misgivings as me compulsively giving excuses out of a stubborn unwillingness to step outside my comfort zone and do the barest minimum to improve my life. I have a long history with people I'm close to trying to enforce this idea that as long as I'm not "well", I'd have to organize my entire life including any hobbies around personal development. My family's go-to argument was that whenever I mentioned sports, they'd immediately start insisting that I do martial arts as they'd help me learn the emotional control I sorely need (they've always hated me displaying any negative emotions, especially to this kind of "advice"). Any response other than promising to check it out was taken as an excuse, a tantrum, and a display of laziness.
The argument with my friend was specifically started by me sharing a meme about a video game we're both playing, to which they brought up something we'd already fought about some weeks ago, namely that I should play online video games instead, preferably with some guild/clan play so that I could use their group chats or Discords to make new friends and "maybe even find a gamer girlfriend like [they] did." I thanked them for the suggestion but then committed the big mistake of trying to argue and explain my way out of it like I usually do when I feel defensive, explaining that I've never found this particular playstyle appealing due to its competitive nature and its emphasis on having the skill needed to be an effective part of a team when I just want to have some fun.
Needless to say, they didn't like that, and kept arguing with me for the rest of the evening, berating me for having a ready-to-go excuse for everything and dumping a litany of accusations on me about being too stubborn to accept genuine help even though friendships are about "being there for and being a good influence on each other", and that "literally my entire personality is just defined by what [I'm] not." They even said that as a neurodivergent trans person (they unilaterally diagnosed me with ADHD and autism) I have a moral duty to broaden my experiences as much as possible to compensate for my social shortcomings, as I can't decide something isn't for me unless I've tried it out first, and you have to try out everything at least once.
Naturally, it made me engraged, and I've found myself falling into patterns I've seen from my own parents, spitting back that they "always" do this and "keep" talking about that just because it had happened before, and even lashed out at them in desperation, specifically calling them narcissistic. I've apologized the next day, and they always act gracious about it, saying they never take it personally, but that didn't do much to ease my disgust with myself.
The whole argument especially hurt me because I keep feeling like my social circle is rapidly shrinking and that I don't really feel at home at most social events I'm participating in nowadays, almost like I'm an outsider no matter where I go. And when people try to suggest communities I might join, I'm immediately struck with this huge pang of anxiety about rejection. I can't really remember the last time a community did the barest effort to actually make me feel at home, and it's always felt like I have to force myself in, almost like having to conduct my own job interview while my prospective coworkers are focusing on doing their jobs around me. For the past few weeks I've increasingly felt like I have unrealistic expectations about my social life and I really have no choice but to accept whatever's currently available, and forcing myself to make the effort to befriend the people around me, no matter how emotionally draining it is, how little we have in common, how much I'd have to hide of myself, and how little interest they've shown in me.
