DS9 Caption Contest CVI: Let the Games Begin!

[Smellincoffee]

Welcome to the first Caption Contest of 2015! We're starting off with some fun and games in light of the fact that this is the time of the year when Americans gather for their greatest national ritual: watching Superbowl commercials.

Kicking off with last week's winners--

Handsome, but suspiciously older, ensign: I should never have made a deal with Q.

Instead of the promised Blessed Exchequer vision I only get this crappy out of body experience? I'm a failure even as a dead Ferengi!

LIEUTENANT: Crap. I just realized we're going into a dangerous situation and I'm the only person here who isn't a main character!

Sisko decided hailing a cab was the best way to do a pub crawl.

Shepard: "You know, call me crazy but wouldn't it be easier to forget the trench all together and just shoot from over the thermal exhaust port?"

The Shapeshifter award is technically shared:

Shepard: "You know, call me crazy but wouldn't it be easier to forget the trench all together and just shoot from over the thermal exhaust port?"

That's it!

​

GARAK And that's number one of five hundred ways I can kill you using objects in this room. Care to see more?
QUARK: No. Consider your tab paid in full.

And now, this week's set: let the games begin!

 

[LeadHead]

O'Brien: Quark, I'm cutting the transmission.

Quark: What, you can't!

O'Brien: Watch me.

O'Brien hits his racquet against the camera. Ending the transmission.

Sports Commentator #1: Lets go to the Instant replay on this.

Sports Commentator #2: A real power play from O'Brien here, his strongest of the season so far.

Sports Commentator #1: He's gonna need that kind of intensity when he goes to the Parada System in a few weeks...

Bashir: (Thinking) Round and round she goes, what fake diagnosis will I give Quark at his next physical? Nobody knows.

Sisko: What is the man's name on first base?

Worf: What is the man's name on second base.

Sisko: I'M NOT ASKING YOU WHO'S ON SECOND-

Worf: Who's on first.

Sisko: I don't know.

Sisko and Worf: Third base!

Quark: So what do I win?

O'Brien: Pride.

Quark: Sorry, there's no rule of acquisition that makes pride worth anything.

Sisko quickly regretting not taking the 5,000 bars of Gold-Pressed-Latinum in favor of the mystery box.

 

[JirinPanthosa]

tftw!

O'BRIEN: Cut the transmission Quark. And seriously, get bigger televisions for your bar. This screen was tiny in 2003.

BASHIR: Don't worry Miles, I've got this. The game has no actual rules, you win by communicating victory through your body language.
O'BRIEN: But Quark is a body language grand master!
QUARK: Confront!
BASHIR: Damn it!

WORF: That was an out! I stabbed him fair and square!

QUARK: This is brilliant!
O'BRIEN: I told you you'd enjoy darts.
QUARK: No, darts are stupid. But having silly games available around the bar completely strips humans of their ability to keep track of time. They'll order more drinks and not even realize how long they've been here! Your insight into human psychology is going to make me thousands of bars of latinum!
O'BRIEN: Umm, you're welcome?

SISKO: And please stop calling me Emmisary. Your 'Prophets' are just energy beings who live in the wormhole, and I'll never care at all whatever destiny they have in mind for me.
KIRA: That's fine with me. I hate Starfleet, I'll never trust a Starfleet officer. Just as sure as I'll never call a Cardassian a friend.
DAX: Will you two shut up? When I'm an old lady I'm going to remember this time as a lot of people fighting over nothing.
QUARK: Can I go now? I left my brother Rom in charge of the bar. He's an idiot, temporary control of my bar is the greatest amount of power he'll ever have.
BAJORAN WOMAN: I'll never sleep with the boss.

 

[Rat Boy]

Quark wasn't sure if he liked the latest remake of Rambo.

Bashir: "Wait, you wanted latinum? I thought this was for quatloos."

Vulcan catcher: "The designation of the first baseman is in fact the same as the word 'Who.'"

Sisko: "Way to take the fun out of it."

Quark: "Do you know how much it's going to cost to patch up all these holes in the wall? Geez, Chief, throw while sober."

Vash: "No, seriously, Jean-Luc told me some guy named Starlord was looking for it on Risa."

 

[Finn]

Quark: Computer, rotate the gravity settings on O'Brien's side of the court, and transport 30 mg of a hallucinogenic directly into his blood stream.

 

[Bad Thoughts]

The elaborate scheme to make the chief look like dunce backfired when instead of forming a question mark above the chief's head, Bashir fumbled around in his sheer outfit.

 

[bolak]

QUARK: Actually, make that three Tribble Value Meals and two Voleburgers without fries. And a bottle of cola. Oh, and a doughnut for Odo.

 

[Bad Thoughts]

Bashir: What's your game, Mr. Crusher? Tongo, Bakarat, Settlers of Catan, Ticket to Ride, Mystic Warrior of Ka'a?
O'Brien, yelling: Stick to Poker. Weasley can't bluff for shit.
Crusher, off screen: You called me Weasley!
O'Brien: I'm not alone.
Bashir: I'll lead withe my Screaming Harpy.

 

[Nerys Myk]

O'BRIEN: And you're sure that's not a camera?

BASHIR: Of course not.

O'BRIEN: Okay, then lets play Nude Racket Ball.

QUARK: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation.

KIRA: This app sucks.

 

[tharpdevenport]

Worf: "Captain, I must protest: what you... did there on home plate is most dishonorable!"

Sisko: "But we don't have bathrooms in the 24th century."

 

[f14peter]

ODO: "Sorry Worf, but I'm going to have to eject you from the game"

WORF: "But Constable, I did nothing wrong!"

ODO: "Disemboweling a baserunner is against the rules"

WORF: "When I saw that the runner would be unsuccessful in his theft of homeplate, I merely helped restore his honor with the Mauk-to'Vor!"

SISKO: "Odo, Worf is just a bit confused about the concept of a suicide squeeze, and that the phrase isn't taken literally. Besides, throw me a bone here, we're getting our asses kicked"

 

[Bad Thoughts]

Quark: Let me get this straight: we write down character traits, you talk us through a "dungeon", and we use our imagination to slay mythical dragons. Human games really could use some pizzazz.
Sisko, in a low tone: Shup up, Quark. Do you know hard hard it is to get three women to play this game. Now, where did I leave my d20s.

Worf: Look! There's too much pine tar. Kill the batter immediately!
Odo: That's not pine tar, that's ... er, uh ... me. I'm under the weather.

 

[Smellincoffee]

Quark: Wait, how do I know this is just a paper-Odo target, and not Odo?
O'Brien: Do you think Odo would let you hit him with a dart?
Quark: I don't know, I haven't hit it yet.
O'Brien: Good point.

Quark: HELLOOOOO? Pirate maurauders are strafing the station!
Kira: ..be right there..texting...
Dax: *like* *like* *retweet*
Sisko: Damn! I'd almost gotten to a save point, too.

O'Brien: QUARK! If you insist on narrating the game, don't do it in that bloody GOLF announcer voice. Handball is EXCITING!

 

[Rat Boy]

Quark: "Chief, why is there a question mark over your head?"

(Seriously. Look at Bashir.)

 

[FlyingSaucrDude]

Quark (thinking): Maybe recording Dr. Bashir for the new holosuite exercise program wasn't such a good idea...
Bashir (in the background): This exercise for example. It's a four thousand year old battle warmup. According to legend, it "makes the hand a friend to the knees."

Bashir (thinking): Now, does full house beat a flush? Or was it the other way around?

Strategic Operations Officer's Personal Log, stardate 47391.2: I am returning from the baseball competition on Cestus Three. The conditions were difficult. Several contenders were maimed. One of the contenders used an illegal T'gha maneuver against me. The umpire chose to ignore it and I was robbed of my rightful standing. My team was awarded ninth place.

Quark: I dunno Chief...
O'Brien: Think of it like tongo, but with pointy tips.

Dax: I'm reading a massive graviton build up inside this container... it's increasing exponentially. We've got to get it off the station now...
Sisko: Forget about that! Quark, why didn't you tell me you were auctioning off a rookie Willie Mays baseball card!

 

[Nerys Myk]

O'BRIEN: Does Odo know your dart board looks like him?

QUARK: Actually that is Odo.

 

[Bad Thoughts]

Quark: You think this will get Morn to shut up?
O'Brien: There's enough tranquilizer in these darts to put a Denovian elephant out for a week. With your aim, everyone will suspect it is an accident.
Quark throws darts, hits Rom.
Rom: B-b-b-r-r-o-th ...

 

[Smellincoffee]

Quark: Hole in one!
O'Brien: *sigh*

 

[Rat Boy]

Quark: "Is that in or out?"

O'Brien: "Can't tell. This is still only standard definition."

 

[Smellincoffee]

Just a heads up: yesterday I had a little intensive dental work, so this will be riding for at least another week while I heal and rest.