TOS Caption Contest #280: The Ultimate Caption

Discussion in 'Star Trek - The Original & Animated Series' started by Santa Garrus, Dec 24, 2013.

  1. Armored Saint

    Armored Saint Fleet Captain Fleet Captain

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    Quebec City
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    CHEKOV: Aaaah, Tetris, what a great Russian invention!

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    MCCOY (OS): This Madame Tussauds Museum must be ruled by a green-blooded hobgoblin.
     
  2. Bad Thoughts

    Bad Thoughts Commodore Commodore

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    Sulu: It's a temporal anomaly leading to an alternative timeline.
    Kirk: The one where my girlfriend lives but Hitler wins?
    Sulu: No.
    Kirk: The one there are no humpback whales to communicate with an ancient alien space probe?
    Sulu: No.
    Kirk: The one where aliens suck on the brains of San Franciscans around the turn-of-the-century?
    Sulu: No.
    Kirk: The one where Worf gets knocked on the head and loses the Bat'leth competition?
    Sulu: No.
    Kirk: The one where Cochrane's warp ship is destroyed by cybernetic organisms from the Delta Quadrant?
    Sulu: No.
    Kirk: The one where Archer fails to stop Earth from being destroyed by something that looks like a spinning Death Star?
    Sulu: No.
    Kirk: Then which one?
    Sulu: The one where you don't wear a girdle and Spock, not you, makes out with Uhura.
     
  3. Happy Xmas (War Is Over)

    Happy Xmas (War Is Over) Fleet Admiral Premium Member

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    MCCOY: I don't like turbolifts. They make me nervous. Going up and down and sideways isn't natural!

    KIRK: This technophobe thing is getting out of hand, Bones.
     
  4. Ríu ríu chíu

    Ríu ríu chíu Fleet Admiral Admiral

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    Mr. Laser Beam is in the visitor's bullpen
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    Wesley: I swear I'll destroy my own ship rather than let this virus get loose! It's making all my crewmen do the Hokey Pokey!
     
  5. Happy Xmas (War Is Over)

    Happy Xmas (War Is Over) Fleet Admiral Premium Member

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    WESLEY: This is the same stock footage from when you blew up the DY-class ship! You couldn't even matte me into an original shot?
     
  6. Ríu ríu chíu

    Ríu ríu chíu Fleet Admiral Admiral

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    Mr. Laser Beam is in the visitor's bullpen
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    "Hi there, I'm Bob Wesley for the Federation Express Card. Don't leave the bridge without it!"
     
  7. Jonas Grumby

    Jonas Grumby Vice Admiral Admiral

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    Somewhere in the South Pacific
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    Wesley: "'How do I like my new ship', Jim? I can't find the liquor cabinet in my quarters! Where is it in your cabin?"
     
  8. Armored Saint

    Armored Saint Fleet Captain Fleet Captain

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    Oct 26, 2012
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    Quebec City
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    BONES: Jim, would you mind if I begin to give some treatments to the two kids in charge of piloting this ship?
    KIRK: Treatments? They're sicks?
    BONES: No, BUT I'M GETTING SICK OF HEARING THEIR VOICES! Nasonex for Lieutenant Stuffy-Nose and Tennessee whiskey for Ensign Russian-Falsetto!
    SPOCK: Illogical, they will not stay long enough on this ship to allow us to see some results.
    KIRK: Yeah, they never realised they have VIP access to hidden cameras, I doubt they're promised to long careers on the Enterprise.
     
  9. Santa Claws

    Santa Claws Rear Admiral Rear Admiral

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    Kelley: ... and that's what syphilis will do to you.
    Shatner: So, kids, take it from Captain Kirk: practice safe sex.
    Nimoy (thinking): I need to fire my agent.

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    Sulu: "Rigel Left". Wait a minute, where'd it go?!

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    Chekov: Found it sir! According to this deck plan, our only bathroom is on Deck 18!

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    Wesley: Jim, we're starting to sober up over here! I need you to beam over 100 more litres of Mr. Scott's moonshine, pronto!

    [​IMG]

    Kirk: I believe that wraps up this mission to every last detail.
    McCoy: What about the security team you left on the planet before we warped away?
    Kirk: ... except for that one.

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    Chekov (thinking): Vhat do they mean, I never make keptin?!

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    Crazy Bob: So come to Crazy Bob's for all your used spaceship needs! With prices this low, you'll think I looked directly at a Medusan!!
     
  10. BoredShipCapt'n

    BoredShipCapt'n Rear Admiral Rear Admiral

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    McCoy: What's wrong, Jim?
    Kirk: I know that one. It's a ladies' room.
    Sulu: Sir, someone's peeing out the airlock!
    Kirk: Must be from Engineering. At least someone's thinking creatively. Bones, you'd better stand by with a frostbite kit.
    [​IMG]
     
  11. Happy Xmas (War Is Over)

    Happy Xmas (War Is Over) Fleet Admiral Premium Member

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    SPOCK: The mission is over. I believe it's time for you or McCoy to make a thinly veiled racist joke at my expense.
     
  12. captain crow

    captain crow Fleet Captain Fleet Captain

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    soon to be a burnt rock floating in space
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    McCoy: I hate ridding in a turbolift with Spock on Plomeek soup day.

    [Kirk, stiff as a board, falls over]
     
  13. BoredShipCapt'n

    BoredShipCapt'n Rear Admiral Rear Admiral

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    Spock: "Fascinating. With this remote control, I can manipulate this android of the Captain to operate a life-sized ventriloquist dummy of Doctor McCoy. Observe."

    McCoy dummy: "Bite me, Chekov."
     
  14. Bad Thoughts

    Bad Thoughts Commodore Commodore

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    McCoy: Certainly a computer, like you, knows that you get to go first every third mission. Or are your ears interfering with your arithmetic?
     
  15. Santa Claws

    Santa Claws Rear Admiral Rear Admiral

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    Wesley: Jim, our power reserves are dead, and life support is failing! I need you to transport over as much Jim Beam as you can spare!
    Kirk (O/S): Wouldn't some antimatter be more helpful, Bob?
    Wesley: No! Why do you think she's called Lexington, Jim? She runs on pure Kentucky bourbon!
     
  16. Jonas Grumby

    Jonas Grumby Vice Admiral Admiral

    Joined:
    Jan 24, 2002
    Location:
    Somewhere in the South Pacific
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    Wesley (in pain): "Got to...warn Kirk! Bourbon and beans! Explosive combination! Arghhh..."
     
  17. BoredShipCapt'n

    BoredShipCapt'n Rear Admiral Rear Admiral

    Joined:
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    As a native of that fair city, I approve this message. :bolian:
    For the world is hollow and I have touched the stuff.
     
  18. captain crow

    captain crow Fleet Captain Fleet Captain

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    soon to be a burnt rock floating in space
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    Kirk, offscreen: Shut up, Wesley!
     
  19. T'Girl

    T'Girl Vice Admiral Admiral

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    Commodore Wesley: "Hell Jim, you'd probably have better luck with a Betazed WOMAN at the helm !!!"

    Commodore Wesley:

    "So a Klingon, a Romulan and a Cardassian, all walk into a bar.

    The Human bartender says, "You two fine gentlemen can drink for free, if you both first kill that piece scum."

    The Klingon, Romulan and Cardassian all disintegrate each other.

    The Human bartender smiles and goes back to her crossword puzzle."

    :lol:
     
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2013
  20. The Squire of Gothos

    The Squire of Gothos Rear Admiral Rear Admiral

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    Northern Ireland
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    KIRK: I assure you Mr Sulu we buried jokes about Asian drivers along with our other racial stereotypes a long time ago.

    Sulu: Thank you Captain, I'll just take another go at the space dock door.