Contest: ENTER TNG Caption This! #493: Free For All

LaForge: "The ship will explode in 15 seconds."
Picard: "Isn't there anything we can do?"
Wesley: "Sir, all we have to do is ..."
Picard: "Shut up Wesley."

 

Data's Interior Design business got off to a rocky start when Captain Picard threatened to place an order for "Spare Parts, Soong Type Android Mark II" after Spot left a 'present' on his chair.

 

Second Officer's Log: I wonder what the bridge would look like if this was Riker's dream.

 

I'm only going to lure Worf away because we need a dramatic action sequence. I'm quite certain if Mr. Worf were to see you, he would no longer pursue you.

 

Picard: "Ah, so I see you are some sort of amphibious creature now. This is perhaps good news for Mr. LaForge's love life..."

 

SIRTIS: Once Universal see this, there's no way they wont give me the lead in the "Creature From the Black Lagoon" remake!

 

Troi: *ribbit* chocolate dragonfly *ribbit*

 

Stewart: "Marina, they're ready for you in make up."

 

Picard: Looks like some idiot modified a shuttle to go warp 10. <sigh> we were all warned at the Academy about turning into amphibians.

 

Troi: Counselor's Log--That "Counseling 101" course I took at Greendale Community College said I had to "sex up my hair" like this. Not sure why, but Professor Chang hasn't steered me wrong, yet, and that guy with the Starburns seemed to respond well in our counseling role play exercise.




Data: Welcome back to hour 3 of our Enterprise themed sale here on QVC. Up next, we have a real treat for you, a chance to own your own, original work of art by yours truly, Data. Each piece has been painstakingly painted from memory and is limited to only 100 prints. These pieces, along with the foliage from last hour, would perfectly accent any Starfleet crew quarters.

 

DATA: Query, does the fact all of my possessions have been removed from our quarters mean we have, to use the human expression, "broken up"?
D'SORA: No! I'm just Spring Cleaning!!!
DATA: Ah, do you require assistance?
D'SORA: Arrrrgh!!!!!!!

 

Doc: Why is this man here? Didn't Doctor Pulaski already give him a penis shortening?
Nurse: No, Doctor. It says here it was a lengthening.
Doc: Get my camera!


Ensign: You shoulda listened to your momma when she told you you'd go blind.
Geordi: That's an old wives' tale!
Data: One cannot deny the evidence, Geordi.


Vulcan: What is the matter with those wildly gesticulating Ferengi in that other caption?
Reyga: We don't like to talk about it.
Vulcan: You don't like to talk about it?? But it's right there, in the canon! -
Reyga: You mean, like shouting Spock?
Vulcan: Oh, you don't like to talk about it.
Human: Don't feel bad, Reyga. I was a real doctor on Quincy, but here I'm just Tom of the Space Jeffersons.
Vulcan: Shut up, Christopher!
Human: At least Quincy had a feminine side.


PIcard: Let the flogging commence!
Troi: Not even today, sir.
Picard: But I've been waiting all year for this!!


Riker: And remember, Data - here in the Federation we respect all races and cultures.
Data: Even the Ferengi, sir?
Riker: Sure! Right up there with the Bringloidi!
Data: Do you not find our self-satisfaction with inherent hypocrisy a conceit, sir?
Riker: Look, in space there's a fine line between race as a cautionary tale or a recurring element of diversity value. The capitalist Ferengi were never meant to be integrated into our utopian Marxist idealism.
Data: Oh well, at least we are equal opportunity bigots, sir.
Riker: Well - we are Marxists. You can't have a collective without excluding a few deplorables. Now find me someone else to sit in that chair before he crosses over the rubber-forehead-of-the-week zone and starts asking for a real EOE promotion, instead of just saying things like "Course laid in."
Ferengi: Or steers us into a sun....
Riker: What was that?
Ferengi: "Course laid in," sir.



Lal: LOL.
Data: Stop saying that! You'll get relegated to Rubber-Forehead of the Week!
Lal: LOL.

 

Three's Company: The Next Generation

 

Deanne Troi-Smalley: "...because I'm good enough, smart enough, and doggonit -- people like me."

 

TROI: What the...? How long have I been wearing a wig?

 

Dr. Bashir's Kleptomania was carefully hidden, but put to the test when shortly after his first visit to the Enterprise, Engineering's Main Computer was mysteriously replaced by a pair of postmodern-chairs with a glass end-table, a potted plant and the newest painting from Data's quarters.

 

PICARD: Why do so many of these "works of art" look like penises?
TROI: Probably because they are...you're not that popular with the kids...or their parents.

 

Stewart: Marina, I'm impressed by all that time you spent putting on that aquatic makeup. You clearly aren't doing this just for the halibut. This must be the role of your breams, isn't it? A gift from Cod, as it were. I'm not just fishing for compliments, I really believe that you haddock a...

Sirtis: CUT!

 

Geordi: "Oh my God, Data -- she's black, too! I might have a chance this time! Holy crap, she's coming over -- what do I say?"

Data: "I would advise perhaps a friendly 'Hello' or discuss how attractive she is."

Geordi: "Cool."

Female Ensign: "Commander, here is that report you requested. I know it's my first day, but I wanted to say what a smart and intelligent man you are for all those amazing adjustments you've made to the designs."

Geordi: "Ah, ah ... aaahhhh ... banana hammock!"

Female Ensign: "Oookayyy ... well, I gotta get back to my station and look busy. Bye now," leaves.

Geordi: "Data, what happened? I sort of blanked. Did I do well?"

Data: "Geordi, I would say there is a 25% chance you would have her walk out on you during a date, a 25% chance she'll find out you programmed a hologram to look like her, and another 25% chance she's an evil alien disguised as a human."

Geordi: "Damn, that bad, huh? Wait -- what about the other 25%? That was only 75% you gave me."

Data: "The other 25% is a chance she is a man, but that might be a benefit toward your current situation."

 

Bashir: Sisko's "The Commander," Jadzia is "The Sexy One," O'Brien is "The Fixer," Kira's the "Feisty One," Odo is "The Alien Learning About Humanity," Quark & Rom are "The Alien Funny Ones," Jake's the "Brash Young One Who Learns a Lesson," and I'm...

Data: "The Wesley."

Bashir: Precisely, so you see the predicament I'm in.

Data: I believe so, though it is hard for me as "The Alien Learning About Humanity," as well as "The Alien Funny One," and "The Most Popular One" to sympathize.