Discussion in 'Miscellaneous' started by trekkiedane, Jul 22, 2010.
I've heard this one told many times with the last line being, "Do you want two lanes or four?"
^That's probably the more common variant.
i think it's disgusting all those jokes about the manhunt and shootings in Rothbury. i don't find them Raoul Moat-ly fuunny.
So a sailor walks past a bar...
No, really, it could happen!
Must've been closed
Thanks, it's a classic but i think that version is very well written
how many Borg does it take to change a light-bulb?
Darkness is irrelvant, light-bulbs are irrelevant. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.
A woman is living alone with her pet cat. She finds a magic lamp and rubs it, and out pops a genie, who grants her three wishes.
- Her first wish is to be extremely rich.
- Her second wish is to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
- Her third wish is for the cat to be turned into a handsome man.
So all of her wishes are granted. She then takes the man-who-used-to-be-cat upstairs and asks him to make mad passionate love to her. The man says:
"You should have thought of that before you had me fixed."
A piece of string walks into a pub. He goes up to the bar and pounds his fist on the countertop.
"Hey, barkeep. Gimme a beer."
The bartender turns around and looks down at the string.
"Get outta here, mate. We don't serve your kind in here!"
The string stands up affronted and leaves in a huff. It then goes outside and around the back of the pub. There it messes up its hair and ties itself into a knot. The string then goes back into the pub. It goes up to the bar and pounds his fist on the countertop.
"Hey, barkeep. Gimme a beer."
The bartender looks down at the string.
"Oi, didn't I tell you to get outta here? Weren't you the piece of string who was in here before?"
The string looks around innocently.
"Who me? I'm a frayed knot."
(when said aloud, of course it sounds like, "I'm afraid not." )
Woo! I'll be here all week!
Two guys are hiking in the woods when they suddenly find themselves face to face with a snarling grizzly bear. One guy immediately slips his backpack off, pulls a pair of running shoes out of it, slips them on his feet and starts hurriedly tying the laces.
The second guy says, "You fool! You can't run faster than a hungry grizzly bear!"
The first guy replies, "I don't have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you."
Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbour Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left... The phone rings at Billy Bob's house:
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Happy Birthday, Buddy"
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director
to play at a graveside service for a homless man. He had no family or
friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky
back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and,
being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour
late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt
badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the
grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know
what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out
my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like
I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing
Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my
head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard
one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been
putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently I'm still lost....
Paddy Murphy's Babies
Paddy Murphy went to the hospital as his wife was having a baby.
Upon arriving, the Nurse says, 'Congratulations, your wife has had quins 5 big healthy baby boys.'
Paddy says, 'I'm not surprised, I have a willy on me like a chimney.'
The nurse replies, 'You'll need to get it cleaned then because the babies are all black.'
A guy is talking to St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. When he is asked about the good things he's done if life he tells St. Peter about how he helped this woman who was being harassed by a biker gang. He explains that he went up to the biggest biker and told him to leave the woman alone. When the guy laughed at him he punched him repeatedly and ripped off his nose ring. St. Peter asks "When did this happen?" and the guy replies "Oh, just a few minutes ago".
*dusts off thread*
On a cruise ship, a magician has a regular gig. Everybody loves the show, including the captain, who goes to the show every night. Unfortunately, the captain has a parrot, and the parrot speaks English and gives everything away ("Aawk, he's putting it up his sleeve!" "It's in his hat!" "He's got it under the table", etc.). So the magician and the bird, obviously, do not get along. Eventually the magician gets so frustrated with the bird that he takes out a pistol and shoots at it, but it misses the bird and hits a propane tank instead, thus exploding the boat into a billion pieces.
The only survivors are the magician and the bird. They're out there floating in the ocean and the bird says:
"All right, I give up, where's the damn ship?"
There's these two guys taking flying lessons. One of them says to the other one that their instructor is an 8th-degree black belt and is hitting on him, and unless the guy submits to the instructor's sexual advances he'll have to jump out of the plane.
"So, did you jump?" the guy's friend says.
"Yeah, a little at first."
DISCLAIMER: This joke is totally un-PC and does not in any way represent the actual views of The Borgified Corpse or his assorted multiple personalities.
"What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing you haven't already told her twice."
A prestigious cardiologist died and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his adult life. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. All the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. With all eyes staring at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."
The proctologist fainted.
How about some Non Jokes?
A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says "Get out of here! We don't serve mushrooms!"
So the mushroom says "Aw, c'mon...you fuckin' jerk!"
A string walks into a bar and the bartender says "Get outa here! We don't serve strings!'
So the string goes outside and gets his hunting knife and stabs the bartender in the face.
What do you call a Mexican flying an airplane?
A pilot you jerk.
A young boy and his parents move to Sweden from Iraq. First day of school the teacher asks the boy what his name is.
"My name is Ahmed Rashid" the boy replies.
The teacher looks at him strangely. "No, you live in Sweden, you're a swede. So from now on, your name is Sven Andersson."
Sven goes home when school is over and starts playing. His mother calls out for him that dinner is ready, but he doesn't care. Finally his mother gets angry and bursts into his room. "Ahmed! I've called for you three times already! Why wont you come when I'm calling for you?"
"My name is not Achmed anymore. I live in Sweden and I'm a swede. My name is Sven Andersson." he replies. Furious at her son's disobedience, she slaps him. When his father comes home he slaps him too.
The next day the boy goes to school. Terrified how the boy looks, the teacher ask him what had happened the previous day. The boy replies, "I hadn't even been a swede for two hours before two god damn arabs beat me up."
Separate names with a comma.