The Joke Thread.

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous' started by trekkiedane, Jul 22, 2010.

  1. trekkiedane

    trekkiedane Admiral Admiral

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    LoB kinda suggested that we have a joke thread here.

    Why not see if it could work, I figured.

    I suggest that we tell one joke each (at a time) -to keep the ones we post some of the very best we know.

    I'll start the happening by copypasta: A classic.....

    *drumroll*

    Ladies and gentleman, I give you:




    The Refrigerator.
     
  2. Locutus of Bored

    Locutus of Bored Co-Founder of ISIS Moderator

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    Thanks for starting this. :)

    An oldie but a goodie:
    ____________________________

    Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

    Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

    “I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

    “And what do you deduce from that?”

    Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,

    - Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

    - Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

    - Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

    - Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

    - Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

    But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

    Holmes is silent for a moment.

    “Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
     
  3. trekkiedane

    trekkiedane Admiral Admiral

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    :rommie: :rommie:

    Brilliant LoB!

    That's what I'm talking about!

    Oh, and I have a request: there's a joke about some (east?) European professor of mathematics going on a train journey... counting luggage.

    I'd really like to read that one again!
     
  4. SicOne

    SicOne Commodore Commodore

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    Lady's in a gynecologist's office, with her feet up in the stirrups. Doctor says, "I don't mean to be rude, don't mean to be rude, but you've got the biggest hole I've ever seen, I've ever seen!"

    She says, "Why did you say it twice?"

    He says, "I didn't, I didn't"...
     
  5. SicOne

    SicOne Commodore Commodore

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    ^ So she's a little brought down by this news, and goes home. Hubby's at work, so she is standing naked in front of the full-length mirror, trying to look up inside there to see how big this hole really is.

    She can't quite get the angle on it, so she takes the mirror off the wall, puts it on the floor and straddles it, bent at the knees, peering down (and up) into herself.

    Her husband walks in the door, briefcase and suit jacket in hand, and freezes. "Honey," he says, "just what in the world are you doing?"

    A tad embarassed, she fumbles for an explanation. "Oh...I'm just doing some special stretching exercises."

    He gestures towards the mirror. "Well, be careful you don't fall in that fuckin' hole!"

    Thank you very much, you've been a great crowd! :0
     
  6. TheBrew

    TheBrew Vice Admiral Admiral

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    Why did Darth Vader have to search through the entire Galaxy to find Princess Leia?

    He was looking in Alderaan places.
     
  7. Mr. Laser Beam

    Mr. Laser Beam Fleet Admiral Admiral

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    A man hears the doorbell ring and goes to answer it. He opens the door and finds a snail on the front porch. So he takes the snail and throws it into the distance as far as he can.

    Five years later, there's another doorbell ring. The man opens the door and it's the same snail.

    "What the hell was that all about?" the snail says.
     
  8. ManOnTheWave

    ManOnTheWave Vice Admiral Admiral

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    A woman in a mink coat is walking down the street.

    An animal rights activist stops her and asks, "Do you know how many animals died to make that coat?!?"

    She says, "No. Do you know how many animals I had to fuck to get it?"
     
  9. Vulcan Princess

    Vulcan Princess Rear Admiral Rear Admiral

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    René Descartes was sitting in a bar, drinking and chatting with the bartender about the nature of existence. As they were talking, Descartes got to the end of his beverage. The bartender asked him if he would like another one. Descartes mulled it over for a moment before saying, "I think not."

    Then Descartes ceased to exist.
     
  10. ManOnTheWave

    ManOnTheWave Vice Admiral Admiral

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    Adolf Hitler, Karl Marx, and Albert Einstein all walked into the same bar at the same time in Vienna. They all sat at the same table side by side for hours on end looking at their shoes.
     
  11. Mr. Laser Beam

    Mr. Laser Beam Fleet Admiral Admiral

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    ^ I don't get it... :confused:

    A man hears a voice in his head one day. The voice says: "Quit your job, take all your money, and go to Vegas." At first he ignores it, but the voice won't shut up. It just keeps saying the same thing, "Quit your job, take all your money, and go to Vegas."

    So one day the guy can't take it anymore and listens. He does exactly what the voice says - he quits his job, takes all the money out of his bank account, and flies to Vegas.

    As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says "Go to Caesar's Palace." So he does.

    "Make your way to the roulette table." The guy does that.

    "Put all your money on red 17." The guy puts all his money on red 17.

    The wheel spins...and comes up black 10.

    The voice says, "Fuck."
     
  12. sidious618

    sidious618 Admiral Admiral

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    "The Refrigerator" is hilarious. :guffaw:
     
  13. captcalhoun

    captcalhoun Admiral Admiral

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    two goldfish in a tank, one turns to the other and says:


    i'll drive, you shoot!
     
  14. trekkiedane

    trekkiedane Admiral Admiral

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    OKAY, I'll see if I can reconstruct it - not an easy task, considering it's from before the age of Google and came in a bunch of similar stuff (anecdotes and jokes about science and the people of science)...


    So, erhm, the notoriously distraught mathematics professor Vaclav Something-or-other of the university of Prague(?) And his wife were going on a train journey.

    Arrived at the station his wife knew better than having professor Whatshisname go and buy the tickets and therefore merely wanted him staying where he was so she told him: "Vaclav dear, keep an eye on our ten suitcases while I go and get the tickets."

    ...

    Some minutes later when his wife returned with the tickets the professor asked her: "why did you say we had ten suitcases whwn there are clearly only nine?"

    Quickly counting the luggage she turned to her husband and said: "You are wrong dear we do have ten suitcases!"

    "No, no" the professor said, pointing to the suitcases "count them with me: zero, one, two, three...
     
  15. ManOnTheWave

    ManOnTheWave Vice Admiral Admiral

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    All three lived in the same part of Vienna at the same time. The joke is that three of the men who shaped the twentieth century had nothing to say to one another. Or at all.

    ***

    A Texas business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling “Gama Su!, Gama Su!”. Hearing this, the Texan knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterward went to sleep.
    The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Texan joined in and began yelling, “Gama Su! Gama Su!”
    Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese men turned to him and asked “Wrong Hole? What do you mean Wrong Hole?”
     
  16. Mr. Laser Beam

    Mr. Laser Beam Fleet Admiral Admiral

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    Two flies are sitting on a piece of shit. One of them farts. The other one says "Hey! I'm eatin' here!"
     
  17. captcalhoun

    captcalhoun Admiral Admiral

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    an englishman, an irishman and a scotsman walk into a pub.

    the barman says, 'what is this, some kinda joke?'
     
  18. SicOne

    SicOne Commodore Commodore

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    Three guys are in this boat in the middle of the Pacific, and the boat sinks but the guys are able to swim to a remote island. Only other people on the island are members of a tribe; war paint, bones sticking out of their noses, the whole nine yards. The tribe warriors drag the three guys before the tribe chief.

    "You are invaders on our sacred island...and we give invaders a choice. Death...or boonda."

    The guys look at each other, then one asks pensively, "Chief, what's boonda?"

    "Boonda is where you get pronged up the ass by the entire tribe."

    Taken very much aback, the three guys look over their shoulders to see the entire tribe amassed behind them, two hundred strong, not a female in sight.

    Chief asks the first guy. "What is your choice?"

    The first guy thinks a minute, then says, "Well...I don't wanna get screwed up the ass by two hundred big guys, but I don't wanna die, either, so I have no choice but to accept...boonda!"

    The tribe yells, "YAAAAAAYYYYY!" and throws their spears into the air and hoots and hollers and forms an orderly line and nails this guy up the ass, big-time; all two hundred tribesmen. When they're finished, the first guy goes hobbling off towards the forest, all bow-legged, rectum bleeding, insides practically hanging out, a complete wreck.

    Chief:"Second man, what is your choice?"

    The second guy is in complete shock, having witnessed what happened to the first guy. But his life circumstances are a bit different from the first guy, so he rolls with it. "Well...clearly I don't want boonda, but if I choose death, that bitch wife of mine stands to inherit all of my wealth. I can have asshole-repair surgery when I get back to civilization and still retain my money, so I have little choice but to accept...boonda!"

    "YAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!!", yells the tribe, the spears go up twice as high, another orderly line forms, and they REALLY nail this guy up the ol' poop-chute, twice in one day, this is a banner day for our tribe! When they're finished, the second guy, his asshole completely ruptured, colon in tatters and his intestines dangling around his ankles, goes shuffling off towards the first guy.

    Chief:"Third man, what is your choice?"

    The third guy, being more macho and having lived a nice full life, had more time to prepare his answer. "Well, chief; when I finally shuffle off this mortal coil, I want to die with dignity. So I choose...death!"

    "YAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!", the tribe trumpets, and the spears fly up three times as high, and they begin to drop their loincloths and form another line.

    The third guy takes a step backwards, clutching his asshole, and says, "Hey, hey, hey, chief! What's going on? I chose death!"

    The chief drops his loincloth and says "Death...by boonda!"
     
  19. Ruaidhri

    Ruaidhri Commodore Commodore

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    A man is walking along a beach in California and comes across a glass bottle sticking out of the sand. As he wipes it off with his shirt a genie bursts from the bottle!

    The genie is grateful, kissing the man's feet. "I can't thank you enough for freeing me from my prison! I will grant you one wish, anything you desire!"

    The man impulsively blurts out "I want a bridge from here to Hawaii! I'm terrified of flying and would like to be able to drive there!"

    The genie frowns. "Seriously? Man, that's gonna be a lot of work. That's thousands of miles, at least. Isn't there anything else you'd like?"

    The man thinks harder this time, realizes that his love life has always been a shambles, and says, "I want the ability to understand all women!"

    The genie frowns again.

    "How many supports do you think that bridge will need?"
     
  20. Gil T.Azell

    Gil T.Azell Rear Admiral Rear Admiral

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    hey now :lol:

    "Why do seagulls fly over the ocean rather than the bay?















    ANSWER: Because than they would be bay-gulls!