Star Trek: Audacity

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Sorcery, Mar 9, 2012.

  1. Sorcery

    Sorcery Lieutenant Junior Grade Red Shirt

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    I'm currently writing a fan fiction...well....with my OWN cast though and it's supposed to be a few years AFTER Star Trek: Voyager. :techman: Before I tell you the main plot I'd like to say this is mainly about the Borg, my all time favorite Trek enemies and their origin. :borg::borg::borg::borg::borg:

    Here's the plot:

    A Commodore tells Starfleet Command that he wants to go exploring and learn about the Borg's origin and asks them for permission to go to Borg space and try exploring, but the Council disagrees with him and tell him it's too dangerous. The commodore gets very angry with them and almost attempts to do his mission on his own without their permission. He is caught trying to steal a shuttlecraft by a crewman. The commodore is once again called to the Council, and they are disappointed in him. However, the commodore has friends in the Council who secretly agree with the commodore. After the commodore is put in the brig on Spacedock and demoted to Flt. Captain , his secret friends help him break out. The former commodore's secret friends lie to highly skilled starfleet officers and tell them they're going to study a special anomaly and they need the best help. The former commodore and his friends steal a Storm class starship, the newest class built in the fleet but only as a prototype and highly unstable and head to the Delta Quadrant, and there that's when they tell the crew about the “real” mission. The crew is extremely angry to be going against Starfleet but the former commodore and his friends force them to obey. Now they search for information concerning the origin of the Borg.

    Cast:



    Flt. Captain Alvin Ramirez: Commanding Officer- A human male man. Age 38.
    Alexander Stuart: Civilian/Supervisor- a human male man. Age 35.
    Betsy Hicks: Civilian/Supervisor- a female human woman. Age 37.


    Commander Carol Freeman: Executive/First Officer- A human female. Age 30.
    Lt Cmdr. Seerik: Chief Engineer- a Romulan male. Age 40.
    Ensign Lisa Frost: Helmsman- a female Human. Age 31
    Lt. Cmdr. Zordock: Chief Medical Officer- a Monchezke male. Age 94.
    6 of 12: Security/Tactical- a liberated Borg human. Age 23
    Lt. Quiana: Ops- a female Q/Human hybrid. Age: Unknown
    Lt. JG Jerrod York: Science- An El-Aurian male. Age: 345
    Ensign J'Nette: Counselor- a female Klingon. Age: 20

    Ship: USS Rogue Storm Class
    ===============================================

    What do you think so far? I've all ready started writing the story which I will post soon someday, but how do you like/dislike the general plot. Constructive Critique/Criticism is very fine with me.

    ~Erin :borg::borg::borg::borg::borg:
     
  2. MasterArminas

    MasterArminas Commander Red Shirt

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    Okay. Some good stuff here: an original cast; a time setting that doesn’t compete with canon; and a chance to look deeper at the Borg. Well, the last isn’t so good, the Borg have been very much part and parcel of the last two years of ST:VOY, as well as the film FIRST CONTACT. But there is still room for some work, so it might go well.

    Honest criticism? A high ranking officer tries to steal a shuttlecraft in order to get to the Delta Quadrant. A shuttlecraft. That makes no sense. Then, having been caught, he is dragged before the Federation Council. Why the Council? This would be handled in a Star Fleet Court Martial.

    Oh boy. So he is thrown into the brig and demoted. Huh? If he was court-martialed and convicted, then he would be sent to a penal colony and drummed out of service. If he wasn’t convicted, then he wouldn’t be demoted. Let’s skip that. Your commodore nee Fleet Captain (an allusion to Garth?), then has his friends on the Federation Council break him out of the brig and steal a brand-spanking new Star Fleet vessel. The prototype of a brand-spanking new Star Fleet vessel.

    They steal the ship, but then inform the crew? Friend, this plot line has problems from start to finish. How are the Commodore; excuse me, Fleet Captain; and his friends going to force a crew of a Star Fleet starship to be complicit in the theft of a prototype? Did they have orders to come aboard and assume command? Because I don’t care what your rank is, officers don’t just walk onto the bridge of a Starship, let alone a prototype Starship and order it to leave dock without orders from Star Fleet Headquarters.

    Why use a prototype ship? Is it because you want a super-ship that is twice the size and power of a Sovereign, with a one of a kind Defiant-style cloaking device that the Romulans agree to because of what happens in Nemesis? There are plenty of ships in canon that you can use, but once again we come back to the problem: the crew are not going to obey this stranger’s orders—and it is really hard for a handful of men to enforce their will on a crew of hundreds. What would really happen is the commodore (Fleet Captain) will wake up with a stunner migraine in a brig cell with this friends as the crew set course back for Earth and ANOTHER court-martial.


    FACEPALM. A Romulan. A Klingon. A liberated Borg drone. A Q-human hybrid. An El-Aurian. My hope at seeing the first words has dwindled away completely. Rethink this exercise. Please.

    Master Arminas
     
  3. Rachet

    Rachet Ensign

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    Mar 9, 2012
    Yeah, the concept needs to be about Maquis-like colonists. About fifteen years after The Dominion War. A relatively fledgling Federation/Starfleet Embassy having been established on a backwater, seemingly-unimportant planet / solar system nicknamed 'Gaia' near Idran. It's not especially valuable for minerals but its Class M, spacious and the air is clean.

    In the years since its establishment, in-roads have been made with various Delta Quadrant species, intrigued by the stories about Voyager, its crew and fantastic technologies. Freighters and other wagon trains have been headed for the Gaia System, Idran and Bajor's wormhole to find out more about the outsiders and what they have to offer (or use against them all.)

    A small task group of five ships (Olympic, Intrepid, Sovereign, Norway and Whorfin-Class,) a have been sent out to retrace Voyager's steps, confirm and/or debunk the status of the Borg's alleged demise & otherwise continue Starfleet's original mandate to seek out strange new worlds, new civilizations.

    Certain cabals within the Federation want to sabotage this newest task group by any means necessary, to curtail any prospective provocation or percieved invitations to aggressors like the Dominion, Typhon Pact, or The Borg.

    Sorcery,
    Your character could be a Ben Maxwell-type character that comes upon reasonable evidence that there's a pending Dominion or Borg plan to attack the Federation...that the war never ended.
     
    Last edited: Mar 9, 2012
  4. Scroogourner

    Scroogourner Admiral Admiral

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    WTF??

    What does this>
    Have to do with this>
    ?
     
  5. Admiral2

    Admiral2 Vice Admiral Admiral

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    You lost me when you said it was about the Borg.

    I am tired of the Borg. I can't stand when every other fanfic is about the Borg. (And I hate it more when it's Q.) I won't comment on the other stuff.
     
  6. Sorcery

    Sorcery Lieutenant Junior Grade Red Shirt

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    Okay, thanks for the critique. As for a new prototype ship, the ship is NOT powerful ship at all, nor is it HUGE. And mind telling me what's so wrong with the cast?
     
  7. MasterArminas

    MasterArminas Commander Red Shirt

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    It breaks the suspension of disbelief. There is one Klingon serving in Star Fleet: Commander Worf; plus a human-klingon half-breed in B'Lennna. There are no Romulans. There was one former Borg (Seven of Nine). There was one human-Q that didn't know she was a Q, and she wasn't in Star Fleet. El Aurians are very few in number (compared to other Star Trek races) and (to the best of my knowledge) we have never seen one in Star Fleet.

    What you are doing with your cast is throwing away these races rarity (and uniqueness) and cramming them all aboard the same ship. Why? If you story is a good one, does it really need this highly eclectic and varied racial crew? Where are the Efrosians, the Caitans, the Tellarites, the Andorians, the Deltans, the Bolians, the huge number of other Federation member races?

    It defies the imagination that a single ship would have the cast that you have assembled. That is what is wrong with your crew.

    Master Arminas
     
  8. Sorcery

    Sorcery Lieutenant Junior Grade Red Shirt

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    Well I chose them to create conflict between the crew. Oops. I thought the Council were the people who dealt with court martial.
     
    Last edited: Mar 10, 2012
  9. Sorcery

    Sorcery Lieutenant Junior Grade Red Shirt

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    And I should also state that I don't know every single fact and procedures of StarFleet, also Why should everything be strictly canon? I realized the El-Aurians were wiped out by the Borg and we never saw any in StarFleet that we know of. Seven of Nine is not the only former Borg, I thought there was a former borg named Icheb. http://en.memory-alpha.org/wiki/Icheb

    Also Worf and B'Lenna may have been the only Klingon/ Klingon human hybrid in the series but does that mean there can't be anymore at all?

    And to be honest the counselor was going to be Caitan, but I changed it to Klingon. The doctor was going to be Edosian then I changed it to a Benzite and then to a Monchezke.

    The counselor's going to die in the beginning anyway as a lot with other crew and new officers will replace them with a rescue ship of other races and my own created races. I think having these characters adds tension to the story, but that's just my opinion.

    ~Erin
     
  10. Rachet

    Rachet Ensign

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    Admiral2:

    You misunderstood me, its ~NOT~ about the Borg at all. Simply about a task group charged with finding out whether or not Janeway defeated the Borg ("Endgame", Parts 1 & 2) as part of its' laundry list of things to do on this latest three year mission.

    Their laundry-list of things to do in the Delta Quadrant include finding about the possible diplomatic consequences (for both the task group itself & future collaborations between local Delta Quadrant organizations & the U.F.P. as a whole) as a result of Janeway's less-popular past decisions, considering how often Voyager ran afoul of several of the quadrant's major and minor powers.

    "Gaia" is an out of the way planet that serves as a mined out husk that's only suitable as a junkyard / wild west trading post as the only industry is shuttles/runabouts designed for (mainly) hauling garbage and flinging their loads into the sun, among other things.

    The Task group: a Norway-Class vessel sent from the Starfleet Corps of Engineers to study and adapt debris of non-Starfleet ships; a Whorfin-Class "trader" delegate vessel, a Sovereign-Class vessel in-charge of diplomatic relations, an Olympic-Class vessel in charge of analyzing medical diseases and advances such as The Phage, etc. & an Intrepid-Class vessel equiped for general nosing around.
     
    Last edited: Mar 10, 2012
  11. Gibraltar

    Gibraltar Rear Admiral Rear Admiral

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    I have to echo the opinion that the crew is a bit too diverse, and containing too many unique species to maintain the suspension of disbelief.

    Also, nobody makes Commodore by 38. The ages of your senior officers are all too young, leading me to believe the author is in his teens or early 20's. To someone that age, 40 is ancient. It is, however, the age that people in actual military forces start reaching the age of Captain/Colonel/etc.

    Also, it's Starfleet. One word. No space. No capital 'F'. Starfleet.

    I do think the premise has promise though... hey, that rhymes! :rommie:
     
  12. Sorcery

    Sorcery Lieutenant Junior Grade Red Shirt

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    Okay I've made some crew changes. How's this?

    Captain Alvin Ramirez: Commanding Officer- A human male man. Age 48.
    Alexander Stuart: Civilian/Supervisor- a human male man. Age 53.
    Betsy Hicks: Civilian/Supervisor- a female human woman. Age 39.

    Commander Carol Freeman: Executive/First Officer- A human female. Age 36.
    Lt Cmdr. Seerik: Chief Engineer- a Romulan male. Age 40.
    Ensign Lisa Frost: Helmsman- a female Human. Age 31
    Lt. Cmdr. Zordock: Chief Medical Officer- a Monchezke male. Age 94.
    Lt. Dara: Tactical/Security Officer- A Felarain female.
    Lt. Quiana: Ops- a female Q/Human hybrid. Age: Unknown
    Lt. JG Jerrod York: Science- A Human male. Age: 42
    Ensign Edgar: Counselor- a male Deltan. Age: 29

    Ship: USS Rogue Storm class

    and I'm thinking of changing the plot to something more simpler to:
    A Captain tells Starfleet Command that he wants to go exploring and learn about the Borg's origin and asks them for permission to go to Borg space and try exploring, and Starfleet Command approves his request, but they tell him they will not order officers to enlist in his request since it is dangerous. Captain Ramirez has two Federation Councilors to find him a nice team of Starfleet officers interested in finding they origin of the Borg. They are given a Storm-classed vessel which is small and used for exploration. Now they search for information concerning the origin of the Borg.
     
    Last edited: Mar 10, 2012
  13. T'Girl

    T'Girl Vice Admiral Admiral

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    The crew would just return the ship to base.

    Force how? Continuously at gun point? Do the JemHadar thing and poison the Starfleet personnel and only provide the antidotes if they preform?

    *************8

    The crew is going to know about the demotion and the brig time, prior to boarding the ship. Using the modern US Navy for example, the bulk of the crew, and certainly the chiefs, know who a ship's commanding officer is going to be usually before that officer is told. When a new commandig officer boards their vessel for the first time, everyone knows them, so they can address them correctly.

    Your Captain and his special friends is going to end up locked in their quarters with the computers disconnected.

    :)
     
  14. Sorcery

    Sorcery Lieutenant Junior Grade Red Shirt

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    Ah okay that makes since T'Girl. Thanks

    I just decided to not do the "secretly" and "forcing" and "against Starfleet" plot and change it to make the officers voluntarily do it.
     
  15. T'Girl

    T'Girl Vice Admiral Admiral

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    Just get rid of the whole "top secret" mission thing. For Starfleet to want to check on the status of the Borg makes sense, if they can figure how to get a ship there and back in a reasonable period of time. Less than a century round trip would be nice. Figure a way for that.

    Send a regular Starfleet vessel, something mid sized. A Defiant is too small for a mission lasting several months, maybe a couple of years. there are a lot of star systems to check.

    Plus a Defiant lacked the survey equipment for such a mission.

    Starfleet likely wouldn't want to tie down a Galaxy, too much of a asset, A older Ambassador type (or smaller still) would do nicely. Again if you can figure how to get it there.

    ")
     
  16. Sorcery

    Sorcery Lieutenant Junior Grade Red Shirt

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    I should probably do more research on the Delta Quadrant........so am I correct when I say any ship cannot just "enter" the Delta Quadrant? There has to be a special way for it?
     
  17. Gibraltar

    Gibraltar Rear Admiral Rear Admiral

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    The Delta Quadrant is simply a long distance from the Federation, so much so that standard warp-drive would take years to get a starship any real distance into the Delta Quadrant. I myself am writing a story about an expedition to the DQ, and getting the ships there in a 'realistic' span of time was one of the more challenging aspects of the endeavor.
     
  18. Mage

    Mage Commodore Commodore

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    I'd like to know how a Romulan can be a Lt.Cmdr in Starfleet....
    It's one of those things that just doesn't make sense a lot.

    And one the age thing, you have an ensgin aged 31. Now, usually a human would enter the Acadamy at age 17/18, so would be 21/22 when they graduate. Still being an ensign at age 31 is possible, but you'd have to be a pretty bad officer to NOT recieve any promotions during 9 years. So that's something you might want to think about.
     
  19. Sorcery

    Sorcery Lieutenant Junior Grade Red Shirt

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    So I'm guessing Romulans are forbidden to enlist in Starfleet?
     
  20. Gibraltar

    Gibraltar Rear Admiral Rear Admiral

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    Not necessarily, but the Romulan in question would have to have quite a compelling story to allow him/her to enlist without suspicion of them being a Tal Shiar agent.

    Perhaps this Romulan's family was exiled from or defected from the Star Empire, and he grew up in Federation space?