Jan Challange - I Will Proudly Take A Stand

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Kaziarl, Jan 14, 2009.

  1. Kaziarl

    Kaziarl Commodore Commodore

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    [LEFT]Here is the song and the lyrics
    [/LEFT]

    I Will Proudly Take A Stand



    [LEFT] Ensign Gentry didn't want to leave. He wanted to stay home, with his family. His daughter was turning two soon, three days after he had to catch the transport shuttle. Gentry didn't think any of his fellow graduates wanted to go, but he knew he had to. His wife, Hellen Gentry, stood in the crowd as the Starfleet officers checked their belongings, making sure they had everything. She was hiding something from him, something she felt guilty for doing. But she didn't want to make him worry, he had enough to deal with leaving a daughter, and she didn't want to distract him with his unborn son. In a couple months she would send him a subspace message, letting him know, she promised herself that.[/LEFT]
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    [LEFT] Gentry had woken up early that day, putting on his uniform, and mentally preparing for what was to come. He didn't feel he was doing it for the honor, or the glory. He was doing it because it was his duty.[/LEFT]
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    [LEFT] 2 months later[/LEFT]
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    [LEFT] Gentry had just beamed down to a Dominion instillation barely 2 minutes ago and his team was already pinned down. The Jem'Hadar seemed to be everywhere, and Gentry had the distinct feeling they were outnumbered. His eye's scanned the battlefield, searching for a solution. Then he saw it, a raised platform he could use to get a better view of the enemy. It was risky, if one of the Jem'Hadar saw him he was easy pickings, but his team had become his family, his brothers and sisters. He knew the cost, but he had to try. He signaled to the others to lay suppressive fire as he made his way to the platform. When he reached the top he could see every one of the gray skinned cloning freaks. Gentry lined one up in his sights, fired, and dropped down out of sight. He counted to thirty, then repeated the process. Before long there was only one target left, he popped up, aimed, and fired. At the same time he fired the Jem'Hadar soldier threw a plasma grenade at the base of the platform. Everything happened in a flash as the grenade blew the supports for the platform. A moment later Gentry felt the platform collapse, and him with it. After that there was black.[/LEFT]
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    [LEFT] Gentry woke up in sickbay of the USS Cornelius, Doctor Kyanna leaning over him.[/LEFT]
    [LEFT] “You awake Ensign?” she asked.[/LEFT]
    [LEFT] “I think so,” he replied groggily “What happened?”[/LEFT]
    [LEFT] “There was an accident,” she explained. “The platform you were on collapsed, a piece of the steel supports impaled your leg. Unfortunately sickbay was off line when they beamed you back up, a Jem'Hadar plasma bolt struck us and overloaded the EPS Conduits.”[/LEFT]
    [LEFT] “Wait, what are you saying?”[/LEFT]
    [LEFT] “I'm sorry Ensign, we had to take the leg.”[/LEFT]
    [LEFT] Gentry looked down, his face displaying a look of shock. His leg was gone from the knee down. How could this have happened to him, medical science was to good for this.[/LEFT]
    [LEFT] “Does this mean my career...” he started, he couldn't finish his question though. He almost choked on the words.[/LEFT]
    [LEFT] “No,” she answered. “You'll have to wait till we get back to Starbase 616, but we'll be able to regrow the leg tissue. You'll be on medical leave for a few months though.”[/LEFT]
    [LEFT] “Alright Doctor, thank you.” he said as he laid back down. He thought how wonderful it would be to see Hellena again, and his daughter. And according to her last subspace message, his son as well. And soon enough he would be back out on the front line, so they could sleep in peace at night.[/LEFT]
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 19, 2009
  2. trampledamage

    trampledamage Clone Moderator

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    Fabulous story, and a great song to work from (Ensign Gentry's first name wouldn't be Montgomery would it? :p)

    For all that it's short, you didn't need anything else. You've created the family, the sense of loyalty to his troop, his being torn between a desire to go home and to fight the war to keep his family safe.

    I enjoyed it a lot.
     
  3. SLWatson

    SLWatson Captain Captain

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    Nice work! Very patriotic, but not in a way that glorifies it. I like that he went for the sake of his family, not so much his flag.
     
  4. Kaziarl

    Kaziarl Commodore Commodore

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    Thank you both for the comments. And your right SW, it is patriotic. I myself am in the military, but not for the flag, for my family. So it seemed appropriate.

    And know Montgomery Gentry didn't even cross my mind. And I guess the brevity worked, things like that seem to happen so fast. When my mother was diagnosed with cancer it was 2 years before she passed, but it almost felt like 2 months. Partially case I was distracted with Basic Training at the time I guess, but still.
     
  5. Nerys Ghemor

    Nerys Ghemor Vice Admiral Admiral

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    I LOVE that song, for starters! But second...you did a very good job of bringing it forward into the 24th century. This man has paid a very difficult price for his being willing to take a stand, and I really have to admire it. He seems to be a soldier in the old, World War II vein--I think he DOES really believe, though yes, his family is first and foremost in his mind.

    The volunteers these days who have gone out to fight exemplify these same values. But we on the homefront...I think we are too quick to forget. I think this is a much-needed reminder of what it is they have chosen to give for our sake, and the gratitude we should show them.

    In my case...I DO believe in my country. I do have the honor and pride in my country--even when things go wrong. (Maybe that's why it's easier for me to write my Cardassian rebels than it is to write Federation characters: I understand what it is to keep one's pride even when others deride you for it and try to make you think you're nothing but a gullible fool. And yet you know it's more than that.) But if I were to enter the military, it wouldn't be because I would take any joy in the tough things war calls for. It would be--exactly as others have said...because it would be my duty and I could not turn my back on that.
     
  6. Kaziarl

    Kaziarl Commodore Commodore

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    Well I wasn't entirely sure if American soldier would fit with Federation soldier. I'm glad it fit together as well as it did. Although I'm not sure if I portrayed Gentry's shock of loosing a limb as well as I'd like, but some people just cope with it better then others I suppose. Who knows, maybe there will be a holo-addiction with a 20th century lounge singer in his future.
     
  7. Nerys Ghemor

    Nerys Ghemor Vice Admiral Admiral

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    You're right, everybody reacts differently. Some don't really even react until later on down the road--it could be years from the Dominion War before it really comes back to haunt him, for all we know. I've noticed with a lot of hard events, people sometimes handle them well during the initial shock, but then once it really sinks in later, it gets a lot harder. So I wouldn't say what you did was unrealistic.
     
  8. Mistral

    Mistral Vice Admiral Admiral

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    I got 'address not found" on both links so I haven't a clue what song it was-but I liked the story. You did leave a danling thread, though-what was his wife hiding?
     
  9. Nerys Ghemor

    Nerys Ghemor Vice Admiral Admiral

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    There's an extra "http://" on them for some reason--if you remove that, it'll help. :)
     
  10. trampledamage

    trampledamage Clone Moderator

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    I think it's that she was pregnant - which would take some hiding I tell you!
     
  11. Kaziarl

    Kaziarl Commodore Commodore

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    She wasn't that far along yet, so she wasn't showing. I figure todays medical science can tell the gender around 4-5 months, which is after the average woman starts to show. I figure 24th century can find out much sooner. The song is American Soldier by Toby Kieth if that helps you Mistral.
     
  12. CeJay

    CeJay Commodore Commodore

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    Ok, I admit it. I get goosebumps every time I listen to that song.

    And while I liked what you were trying to do here, I think you rushed yourself too much. You had 5,000 words to play with. Plenty of words to express the kind of story you wanted to write.

    Instead you decided to just 'tell' us what's happening to your protagonist instead of 'showing' us what he's going through. You had only one small scene where we get a sense of the person.

    As I said, I liked your concept a lot and I definitely think the song works but you didn't really get as much out of it as you could have.
     
  13. Kaziarl

    Kaziarl Commodore Commodore

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    Thats one of the things I have a hard time with. Either it's too brief, or I babble way to much. I can't seem to balance it out.


    Anyway, I can't edit the main post anymore. Can any of you moderators fix the links to the song and lyrics?
     
  14. Revdkathy

    Revdkathy BobTheSkutter's wife Moderator

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    ^Consider it done.
     
  15. Kaziarl

    Kaziarl Commodore Commodore

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    Thanks
     
  16. Starkers

    Starkers Admiral Admiral

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    Nice enough but a little thin for me.