I need to run this by some people...

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous' started by Kommander, Nov 8, 2012.

  1. Kommander

    Kommander Commodore Commodore

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    That didn't occur to me. As a writer, this sort of thing is more likely to appeal to her than it necessarily would to others. Why was I hesitant about this again? Oh yeah, the being a chicken shit thing.

    It would have been nice if she got the point. Maybe it'll occur to her later. It'll probably be funnier that way.

    I'm actually kind of having fun with the ambiguity. Maybe she is too. I’m sure one of us will say something eventually.

    Although, given what I said in my last post, I am not going to ask her out. I hate dating, and I'm not going to do it any more. However, I am going to ask her about spending time together outside of class. Her and I talk a lot, but there's really not enough time for actual conversation. She also already expressed an interest in doing this. Once I can actually sit and talk with her, things will develop if they're going to. If not, I probably made a new friend.
     
  2. sojourner

    sojourner Admiral Admiral

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    "Spend some time together outside of class", sounds like a date to me.

    You "hate dating" is odd. Dating is just doing things together. So do you plan to never share a movie with her? Get a bite to eat at the same time and place?
     
  3. Kommander

    Kommander Commodore Commodore

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    If that's the case, why is it that if a mono girl has a boyfriend, she feels that going on a date with me is inappropriate, but spending time together is okay? Or why when I ask girls to meet me somewhere, sometimes they say something like "you mean, like a date?" Dating is courtship, essentially. There's expectation, a loose protocol to follow. I'd rather not do that.

    So yeah, its still dating, I'm just calling it something different and pretending it's not dating. It's purely a marketing move in hopes of avoiding bullshit.

    I don't want to default to the social script. The script that says dating should be a certain way, and that relationships should progress at a certain rate. By asking girls on "dates," I'm starting off following the script and then immediately deviating from it, which can be confusing. I'm better off throwing away the script from the start. When I "ask girls out," and follow the script, I've never gotten to a second date. The girls I've been romantically involved with I never really "dated." We'd spend time together for some other reason: school, mutual friends, that kind of thing. The mutual interest became apparent, they dropped hints, I ignored the hints, they got frustrated that I didn't make a move, and then made one themselves. Instead of "dating," I need to just learn to not ignore hints and make a move when I'm in that situation.
     
  4. teacake

    teacake Fleet Admiral Admiral

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    Are you sending out memos to these girls you want to spend non-dating time with detailing the script and how you will not be following it?
     
  5. Kommander

    Kommander Commodore Commodore

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    ^ It was more of a press release.
     
  6. Kestra

    Kestra Vice Admiral Premium Member

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    I understand the desire to deviate from some social scripts when dating. It was one of the things that drew me to the man that I married, when he told me we didn't have to do things by anyone else's rules. I'd get really confused by someone dating me and not calling it dating, though. Romantic/sexual relationships are already so confusing and prone to miscommunication.
     
  7. teacake

    teacake Fleet Admiral Admiral

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    For a minute there I thought this was the orange juice thread. That was confusing.
     
  8. Kommander

    Kommander Commodore Commodore

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    The main reason I've decided to do things this way is because if I think of it as spending time together rather than dating, I'll calm the fuck down and can focus on being charming and humorous rather than being all anxious. I generally don't philosophize like this to girls I'm "spending time" with unless they're interested in such things or I'm drinking. However, I have to do it in general if I want to be good at being Dr. Kommander, Awesome Sex Therapist!!!
     
  9. Gaith

    Gaith Vice Admiral Admiral

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  10. sojourner

    sojourner Admiral Admiral

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    So, it's the semantics that get in your way.
     
  11. Kestra

    Kestra Vice Admiral Premium Member

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    That's cool. I know there's a lot of stress and anxiety involved so if it helps you calm down, that works. I'd just personally be confused and want to define things just so I knew we were on the same page. Also I get that you want to be a sex therapist, but maybe separate that from your own personal life a little bit? Apologies if that's out of line!
     
  12. teacake

    teacake Fleet Admiral Admiral

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    Oh I'm sure he's heard "those who can't do, teach" rather a lot.
     
  13. Kommander

    Kommander Commodore Commodore

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    I'm the same way. I like to have a good idea what the situation is. The problem is, whenever I date someone or enter into a relationship, communication breaks down. Trying to rebuild good communication just pisses her off, because apparently I'm supposed to figure out what she wants on my own without asking. I should probably just stop dating women like that, although I really have no way of knowing until it happens. I can probably deal with it okay.

    And yeah, I wish I could stop applying psychology to my personal life. However, my brain does not shut off, ever, and trying not to do it just causes me do it more.

    Oh, I thought I should mention. I'm not anxious because I'm afraid she's not interested. Rejection I can handle, and I don't really see a lack of romantic interest as rejection anyway. I'm anxious because I'm afraid that she is interested, and I start recalling how bad my previous relationships were, that I haven't learned anything, and it's going to end up being bad again. If I can manage to experience a decent relationship for once, this will probably stop happening, and that's why I keep trying.

    There's a difference between being unable to do something, and being extremely terrible at something. Spend enough time doing something the wrong way, and eventually I'll make all the mistakes and then have no option but to do things the right way. At least, I hope that's how it works.
     
  14. teacake

    teacake Fleet Admiral Admiral

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    Contracts are the answer.
     
  15. teacake

    teacake Fleet Admiral Admiral

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    Learning disabilities are in all spheres of human interaction.
     
  16. rahullak

    rahullak Commodore Commodore

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    :lol:
     
  17. Gaith

    Gaith Vice Admiral Admiral

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    No, you're supposed to pursue what you want in a gentlemanly and respectful (yet fun and easygoing) manner. If she wants the same, you'll be able to tell, and things will progress.

    I'm sorry that you've had negative experiences in the past (that anecdote about being summoned to a meeting with counselors is indeed pretty terrifying), but there's no simply substitute for confidence (a subject discussed in the Guide). :)
     
  18. FPAlpha

    FPAlpha Vice Admiral Admiral

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    Just ask her out for a drink/coffee or if you're feeling bold ask her out for dinner.

    Try not to come off as sleazy, be respectful and if she says she'd rather not accept it and remain friends.

    It really is that easy and it's even easier because you know each other and you don't have to pick up a total stranger. You be amazed how good it feels when you have jumped over yourself in that regard.. no matter the outcome.
     
  19. teacake

    teacake Fleet Admiral Admiral

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    I also think it's important to have a contingency plan in place so you know what you'll say and how you will act if she clearly rebuffs you. You've already said you're cool about it if she just wants to be friends so really, what do you have to lose?
     
  20. Kommander

    Kommander Commodore Commodore

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    Yeah, something like that. I know that now. However, most of the unsolicited dating advice I received throughout my life consisted of things like "You're lucky you found a woman that's willing to put up with a piece of shit like you, do what you have to to keep her from breaking up with you," and "that's just how women are, learn to accept it." It took me a while to catch on that those people are ass holes and that that's how insane women are, not all women. Things are difficult when I don't have any good role models.

    Yes, confidence. Confidence comes from acknowledging that anxiety and self-doubt exist, and working through it. Which is precisely what I'm doing. It kind of sucks when it's happening, but I get through it and then things are awesome. It works much better than pretending my self-doubt isn't there.

    The incident in high school, as well as others, while they were terrible at the time, they were experiences that I learned from. Because of them, I'm really good at dealing with bullshit. At this point, there's pretty much nothing someone I'm "dating" can throw at me that I can't handle.

    As for the high school girl. A few months later she approached me and explained herself. From her perspective, she thought I was becoming a good friend, but as soon as her boyfriend was out of the way I tried to get into her pants, just like all the other men in her life. She felt betrayed, but later realised that that wasn't what I was doing. It was somewhat understandable, but the damage was done and I couldn't forgive her at the time, although I have since. That was the last time I spoke to her, but at least we parted without completely hating each other.

    Well, yeah, if you want to be all reasonable and level-headed about things.

    Not a damn thing, really. Although, I've noticed I seem to be attracted to women who are extremely emotionally unstable. I seem to be moving away from that type, but I've been wrong about that before.

    When I ask someone out, what I'm saying is "I like you, and dating seems like a fun idea. What do you think?" but what they seem to hear is "I'm into you, I want you, and I will not give up until I have you." It's kind of understandable, as a lot of men are like that, but it puts a stop to friendship developing. Although, if a woman is determined to make assumptions about me and not listen to anything I have to say that goes against those assumptions, there's really not much I can do.
     

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