I gotta vent, because this is outrageous.

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous' started by Tom Riker, Dec 3, 2012.

  1. sonak

    sonak Vice Admiral Admiral

    Joined:
    Jul 13, 2007
    Location:
    in a figment of a mediocre mind's imagination

    um, what? 22 year-olds have often either been working full-time for a few years, served in the military, or are about to finish college. As recently as thirty years ago, it was probably around the average age to get married.
     
  2. DanCPA

    DanCPA Admiral Admiral

    Joined:
    Jul 7, 2001
    Location:
    TrekBBS C/O 2001
    I would stay out of it. They will likely stay together and in the end it will only cause a wedge in her family.
     
  3. Kestra

    Kestra Admiral Premium Member

    Joined:
    Jul 6, 2005
    Wishing the best for your sister-in-law and everyone involved.

    In the past few years I've seen many people say that people shouldn't get married before thirty.
     
  4. Fruitcake

    Fruitcake Fleet Admiral Admiral

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2007
    Location:
    inside teacake
    eh, why get married at all. But people do it.
     
  5. Dream

    Dream Admiral Admiral

    Joined:
    Dec 2, 2001
    Location:
    Hotel Transylvania
    I thought people only got married for the tax benefits?
     
  6. Deckerd

    Deckerd Fleet Arse Premium Member

    Joined:
    Oct 27, 2005
    Location:
    the Frozen Wastes
    There aren't any tax benefits these days.
     
  7. Kestra

    Kestra Admiral Premium Member

    Joined:
    Jul 6, 2005
    I just wanted to second this advice. I'm dealing with something similar, not as bad, thank goodness. It's really stressful to confide in anyone because I am always worried that they'll see me as weak or get mad at me for not getting out sooner. Or not standing up for myself. There's a strong sense of "Well, you're the one staying in that situation so you're not going to get support if you choose to remain there." I'm not talking about abuse or cheating mind you, but things aren't great.

    Anyway, one of the best things is that everyone in my life is supportive of me and isn't just trash-talking my relationship or making me feel stupid. Sometimes you just want to know that people support you even if they don't agree with you.

    As far as abusive relationships go, it definitely takes several attempts before someone actually leaves. That's pretty common. I saw it a lot when I was at the DV shelter and it's a decision they need to come to on their own.

    I don't know if there's abuse going on here, but it sounds like emotional abuse at least. I wouldn't suggest that you personally get involved, but support your wife. And as a sister, I'd want to try to remind my sister of her positive qualities and serve as a counterforce to all the negativity she's probably hearing. Nothing over the top, just enough to give her some perspective and realize that his opinion of her isn't the only valid one.

    If abuse is suspected, I'd open up a dialogue where she might feel free to confide in me. If she wanted to stay with him, I'd suggest making a safety plan. Also just practical things like keeping an eye on finances and all.

    I know it's a difficult situation but you can't force anyone to change.
     
  8. Robert Maxwell

    Robert Maxwell so far this is a dumb future Premium Member

    Joined:
    Jun 12, 2001
    Location:
    comments 2 my butt
    There are here in the US!

    My tax bill has been much more unpleasant since I started filing single again. :p
     
  9. sonak

    sonak Vice Admiral Admiral

    Joined:
    Jul 13, 2007
    Location:
    in a figment of a mediocre mind's imagination

    as long as we're picking arbitrary numbers out of the air, I say people shouldn't own a car until they're 27.
     
  10. Kestra

    Kestra Admiral Premium Member

    Joined:
    Jul 6, 2005
    There's really no reason to reply like that. To many people, thirty marks a certain milestone. People are generally more established career-wise and financially, and are more likely to know what is important to them. It's not some hard and fast rule and I didn't say that I agreed that no one should get married before thirty. I believe that there are plenty of people who know what they want at a younger age. But I don't believe that the number is picked completely arbitrarily.

    Discussion is possible without so much snark.
     
  11. Tom Riker

    Tom Riker Lieutenant

    Joined:
    Oct 9, 2012
    Whelp, I'm officially out of it, she's taking him back and working it out. When it all went down, since he met the girl at the race track, she to sell his race care and give up racing, which he's not going to do. So nothing is going to be resolved. he's going to see this girl every weekend when he goes to race.

    Start the countdown for the next indiscretion. Took him 7 months since they day of the wedding the first time. I'll give him a year this time.
     
  12. Admiral2

    Admiral2 Vice Admiral Admiral

    Joined:
    Sep 14, 2004
    Location:
    Langley
    Talk you down? Screw that! Go take that dumb son of a bitch down!
     
  13. Tom Riker

    Tom Riker Lieutenant

    Joined:
    Oct 9, 2012
    Now we're in full Jerry Springer territory where if we say anything to her she's going to get mad at us. I've seen this a thousand times.

    My own best friend went through this. I told him not to marry his girlfriend because I knew all the stories about her, he got mad at me and we didn't speak for nearly 5 years. Shortly after she had an affair and left him, 2 kids and a foreclosed house later, he lives in a small apartment and is dealing with severe depression.

    People are stubborn things. And it makes me mad that they just won't listen to me ! ;)
     
  14. sonak

    sonak Vice Admiral Admiral

    Joined:
    Jul 13, 2007
    Location:
    in a figment of a mediocre mind's imagination

    It was a rather mildly sarcastic response to the post, and hardly a reason to react in such a thin-skinned and defensive matter. But sorry if you were insulted.


    And I believe that the trend of later marriages has little or nothing to do with "maturity," which often has little to do with age. It's about economics-high-school and college graduates can't rely on decent and secure jobs anymore, so they can't settle down to get married or start a family as early anymore.
     
  15. Kestra

    Kestra Admiral Premium Member

    Joined:
    Jul 6, 2005
    I think there's the trend, possibly for the reasons you've stated, but then there are also who believe that people should get married later for psychological reasons. I was speaking of people who were taking about "should" rather than the statistics of what actually happens.
     
  16. Brolan

    Brolan Commodore Commodore

    Joined:
    Jul 1, 2002
    Location:
    With the French nation
    I'll share something I learned years ago. You cannot safely criticize a person's lover, no matter how close you are to them. I don't know if it is a biological protection or something, but people in love see the criticism as an attack on their lover and will react badly to the critic. It will drive a wedge between the closest family or friends. All you can do is hang on and hope they see it eventually.
     
  17. propita

    propita Rear Admiral Rear Admiral

    Joined:
    Mar 9, 2001
    Location:
    fresno, ca, us
    Actually, I was reading some time back that an increasing number of people postpone marriage but not children. They feel "ready" for one but not the other. Yeah, ridiculous. If you can't handle an adult, how will you handle a child?

    Evidently, many young men want sex but are not interestd in marriage. You see that attitude in all the movies where the guy is 30yo but is trying to act 17.

    At the same time, many young women want the big wedding they see in tv and movies, but think having a kid without some stable home life is just fine and don't want to wait to have someone in their life who loves them.

    I understand this is a generalization covering only a (hopefully) small portion of the population. But it's...unsettling.
     
  18. Fruitcake

    Fruitcake Fleet Admiral Admiral

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2007
    Location:
    inside teacake
    These relationships are completely different and not really comparable. It would be like saying if you can't commit to another adult in marriage how can you be a dutiful and loving daughter to elderly parents?

    Marriage breaks down far more frequently than does child and parent relationships.
     
  19. sonak

    sonak Vice Admiral Admiral

    Joined:
    Jul 13, 2007
    Location:
    in a figment of a mediocre mind's imagination

    this is a media stereotype of the "wandering guy" and the "ready to settle" girl. I just recently read an article that pointed out how inaccurate it is. Yes, as an overall trend men are more likely to want many partners before settling down(for obvious biological reasons), but the vast majority of men are interested in love with one partner, and settling down with a family.

    Those kinds of stereotypes annoy me, because they're usually at the service of showing the more mature or responsible woman vs. the immature guy. It's lazy, and of course it doesn't divide that neatly by gender.
     
  20. propita

    propita Rear Admiral Rear Admiral

    Joined:
    Mar 9, 2001
    Location:
    fresno, ca, us
    Ah, but the young women weren't being shown as more mature and ready to settle,. On the contrary, they had stars in their eyes about a WEDDING where they're queen for the day, but realize they can't afford it. So they have a kid, thinking it'll lead to a happily ever after life. Not mature.

    Maybe not entirely their fault (or the guys), since pop culture has Ben leading tand pushing them in that direction for quite a while. Anyone who can't or chooses not to think and plan their life a bit is vulnerable to just following along.