DS9 Caption Contest #65: What a fortunate turn of events!

Discussion in 'Deep Space Nine' started by LeadHead, Dec 8, 2012.

  1. LeadHead

    LeadHead Director of Comedy Premium Member

    Joined:
    Oct 3, 2000
    Location:
    On the Citadel or The TrekBBS Armada Starbase
    Hello everyone! I've been pretty lame recently about starting on time, or within a reasonable amount of time and I apologize. Life is crazy for LeadHead these days. Lets get going!


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    First up to the plate, we have the "The Return of Jadzia" Award, going to:

    Next, we have the "Predictable Doom" Award, going to:

    Next, we have "The Science of Destruction" Award, going to:

    Next, we have the "Dark Warnings from the Future" Award, going to:

    Next, we have the "Can we get an Emergency Beam out over here?" Award, going to:


    The Photoshop Award, goes to:

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    Many thanks to everyone for participating! Congratulations to our winners!

    I'm really sorry for the delays in starting contests over the last couple of months, things have been crazy in the world of LeadHead. I'll do my best to keep things moving better in thee future, but I can't promise it, December has already been crazy busy and doesn't look to cool down any time this year.


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    Enjoy!
     
  2. LeadHead

    LeadHead Director of Comedy Premium Member

    Joined:
    Oct 3, 2000
    Location:
    On the Citadel or The TrekBBS Armada Starbase
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    Bashir: (thinking) If O'Brien keeps talking tachnobabble, I may go crazy here.


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    Nana: What do you mean we're gonna be in a relationship?!

    Rene: Hang on, lets see where they go with it...


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    Worf couldn't live down the humiliation of Sisko defeating him at arm-wrestling.

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    Sisko: So, what do you all think of these 3am staff meetings?


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    Sisko: Take that, Picard!
     
  3. Jonas Grumby

    Jonas Grumby Vice Admiral Admiral

    Joined:
    Jan 24, 2002
    Location:
    Somewhere in the South Pacific
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    Odo: "I'm sorry, Morn. We don't mean to stare. It's just that...I don't think we've ever seen you in a speedo before."
     
  4. Nerys Myk

    Nerys Myk Fleet Admiral Admiral

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2001
    Location:
    Down in the tube station at midnight
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    ODO: Okay, busting in to Quark's quarters hoping to catch him in the act wasn't the best idea.

    SISKO (shudder): What we caught him in the act of doing is going to take years of therapy to erase.

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    ODO: Why do I feel like we're trapped in a sitcom freeze frame?
     
  5. bullethead

    bullethead Fleet Captain Fleet Captain

    Joined:
    Feb 24, 2008
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    This week's agenda - dealing with the raktajino shortage.

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    Kira and Odo react to this week's caption entries.

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    Worf: Captain, I drink prune juice, not raktajino.
    Sisko: Surely you still have some connections in the Empire that can get us some?
    Worf: (sighing) Yes sir. I'll go call them now.

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    Everyone was thrilled about dealing with the fallout of yet another new mishap involving the mirror universe.

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    Like all Terrans, Sisko loved to duel wield pistols and shout "Surprise motherfuckers!" while on Rebellion missions.
     
  6. Nerys Myk

    Nerys Myk Fleet Admiral Admiral

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2001
    Location:
    Down in the tube station at midnight
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    MEANY: I here by call this meeting of "Characters Sidelined By the Addition Worf" to order.
     
  7. R. Star

    R. Star Rear Admiral Rear Admiral

    Joined:
    Jun 15, 2012
    Location:
    Shangri-La
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    Dax: We still love you miles.
    Kira: Not really.
    Bashir: I can't believe you wrote that.
    O'brien: This is the last time I write fanfiction you sods!

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    Odo: Did Captain Sisko shave his head?
    Kira: Who does he think he is? Jean-Luc Picard?

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    Sisko: A bet is a bet Mr Worf. You'll be singing "I'm a Little Tea Pot" in Quark's at 1900 hours.
    Worf: How can a human drink that much?

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    Kira: Who the hell puked in the wardroom?!
    Sisko: It's vile.
    Dax: I think I'm going to throw up.
    Worf: Hmm, the gagh is still alive.

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    Sisko: That's right, in the mirror universe I'm bangin the bitches and duel wieldin tha guns. The pimp hand of the Sisko layeth the smackdown!
     
  8. shivkala

    shivkala Rear Admiral Rear Admiral

    Joined:
    Apr 26, 2004
    Location:
    Patrolling Sector 2814
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    Bashir: My appointment was an hour ago! This is intolerable having to wait this long!

    O'Brien: Well, Julian, now you know how we all feel when we have a doctor's appointment and it takes you forever to call us. Just be glad you don't have to strip down, put on a paper-thin apron, and wait in a cold examination room for another 30 minutes here!

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    Kira: Oh, thank God, you're back. Look, we may be images on a TV screen, but we have feelings, too! Leaving us on pause like that, well, it's just plain rude! I know you had Taco Bell, but next time, could you take care of your business before you start watching?

    Odo: And, another thing, that painting behind your couch, it's ugly, get rid of it.

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    Worf could not get over losing usmagazine.com's "Who Wore it Best" poll. He was sure his choice to accessorize his uniform with a sash would gain him more votes than Sisko's rather austere look.

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    Sisko: I know I said it before, but I swear this is the last time I attend one of Julian and Miles' improv nights!

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    Here's a little known DS9 fact...John Woo directed an episode. Any guesses which one?
     
  9. Ln X

    Ln X Fleet Captain Fleet Captain

    Joined:
    Jul 1, 2011
    Location:
    The great gig in the sky
    Thanks for the win LeadHead!

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    Q: Don't you two know, you're going to be a couple passionately in love!
    Kira: Say what?

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    Sisko: Mr Worf do you really feel it is necessary to bunk up in the Defiant to avoid your wife.
    Worf: It is complicated sir.
    Sisko: From what I hear you quarrelled over the matter of adding mint frosting to your dinner!
    Worf: As I said, it is complicated...

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    Starfleet top brass: You have to shave your hair for that captaincy!
    Benjamin: NEVER!
     
    Last edited: Dec 8, 2012
  10. Jonas Grumby

    Jonas Grumby Vice Admiral Admiral

    Joined:
    Jan 24, 2002
    Location:
    Somewhere in the South Pacific
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    Sisko: "Three day's shore leave if you can smell my finger and guess where it's been!"
     
  11. Finn

    Finn Vice Admiral Admiral

    Joined:
    Mar 30, 2006
    Location:
    Finn
    \

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    Kira: I'm stumped

    Odo: *turns head* Hey you at home, Could you help us here? Did you see a scene with Quark buying the illegal cargo from the Ktarian Captain?
     
  12. Triskelion

    Triskelion Rear Admiral Rear Admiral

    Joined:
    Mar 8, 2008
    Location:
    On an outer spiral arm at 40,000 MPH
    Hey, TFTW LH!

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    Kira: Huh?
    Clayton Runnymede Odocott III: Just run with it, Major.

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    Kira: I don't think this is right either, is it?
    Clayton Runnymede Odocott III: Another clerical error by Pete, no doubt. Damned Talaxians.
     
    Last edited: Dec 9, 2012
  13. Nerys Myk

    Nerys Myk Fleet Admiral Admiral

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2001
    Location:
    Down in the tube station at midnight
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    KIRA: And the hedgehog?

    ODO: I don't wanna talk about it.
     
  14. jespah

    jespah Commodore Commodore

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2011
    Location:
    Boston, the Gateway to the Galaxy
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    Sisko's Niagara Falls vacation slides were endless.

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    We're brother and sister? Don't you have the wrong franchise?

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    All I'm sayin', man, is she likes a little foreplay.

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    The crew grimly attended their mandatory Electric Slide lessons.

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    You know why the Quarter Pounder is called a 'Royale' in France? Do ya??
     
  15. JirinPanthosa

    JirinPanthosa Rear Admiral Rear Admiral

    Joined:
    Nov 20, 2012
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    BASHIR: Fine. If you don't want to sleep with me I'll just bang the hell out of your next host, and there's nothing you can do about it.

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    ODO: Is that Quark, wearing a giant tree costume?
    KIRA: I think he's starting to lose respect for you.

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    Come on, Michael. I know you really wanted to do your 'Captain Worf' series, but viacom wants to focus on the new movies.

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    The crew learned a lesson today: Never tell a vulcan he has a stick up his butt. They are surprisingly creative with revenge.

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    Can't talk now Cassidy, gotta shoot stuff.
     
  16. Nerys Myk

    Nerys Myk Fleet Admiral Admiral

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2001
    Location:
    Down in the tube station at midnight
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    SISKO:Guys, I'm gonna lay down some cover fire....try and swing around behind them... Guys? Guys? Crap!
     
  17. Triskelion

    Triskelion Rear Admiral Rear Admiral

    Joined:
    Mar 8, 2008
    Location:
    On an outer spiral arm at 40,000 MPH
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    O'Brien: Ok now the orcs are attacking.
    Kira: Come on, do we have to do this?
    O'Brien: You had a crystal dragon. I get orcs.
    Dax: War-Hammertime! Break it down!
    Bashir: I cast a pox on myself.

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    Odo: If one of you ne'er do wells photoshops in a penis rock I'm running you in!


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    Look, I'm sorry Mister Worf, but the role of Maria went to Doctor Bashir.

    He is not even female!

    What can I say? He nailed it. Better brush up on your snap-fighting.


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    Sisko: So...nobody remembers the combination? Sigh. We need a choreographer.




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    Flap, shuffle, ball change, pas de bourre, pirouette

    Double wings, tap springs,

    Fish flop, flap flam, shuffle ball change

    Arabesque, cabriolet,

    Cincinnati Cincinnati

    Left-right shooter, left-right shooter,

    Barrel-blow, barrel-blow,

    Jazz hands!
     
  18. Jonas Grumby

    Jonas Grumby Vice Admiral Admiral

    Joined:
    Jan 24, 2002
    Location:
    Somewhere in the South Pacific
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    O'Brien (sighs): "Okay, so far we've interviewed and voted on four candidates for the new operations position. Two were hot, young studs and two were gorgeous, young women. Each got two 'yes' votes and two 'no' votes. I think it's pretty clear whats going on here."
     
  19. Ln X

    Ln X Fleet Captain Fleet Captain

    Joined:
    Jul 1, 2011
    Location:
    The great gig in the sky
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    Bashir thinking; God this meeting is going on for hours! I can't look to my left because Miles doesn't like me staring, I can't look rightwards because the major scowls at me when I eye her up, I can't look at Jadzia because then that will be to obvious. No, I'll just focus on some point on our commander's shiny forehead... Is that a mole I see? God! I don't want to see it! But I'm so tired and this room is so stuffy!

    Just take a quick peek rightwards Julian to the major, just one peek, just scratch your hair or something and casually glance rightwards pretending to look at the wall so as to stare at those lovely breasts of the major's...

    Kira: What about my breasts?

    Bashir: Sorry?

    Dax: I think Julian's been daydreaming again.

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    Odo: Quark in drag?
    Kira: That's just wrong, may the Prophets burn my eyes and purge my memory of such a sight!

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    Sisko: Listen Mr Worf, penile dysfunction is nothing to be ashamed about, I mean Jadzia, she's an understanding woman right? I mean when you and her... you know, it's not so important? Right?
    Worf: But how can I live down the humiliation?

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    Jadzia: We shouldn't have invited both Zek and Ishka to this conference.
    Kira: It's disgusting! They're rolling around on the floor making out!
    Sisko: Look at all those wrinkles to!
    Odo: It's the laughter which really annoys me...
    Worf: The two squeak like rodents.
     
  20. Triskelion

    Triskelion Rear Admiral Rear Admiral

    Joined:
    Mar 8, 2008
    Location:
    On an outer spiral arm at 40,000 MPH
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    Worf: It's just...when you call my girlfriend "Old Man" it feels like you're dishonoring my house.

    Sisko: There you go, slugger. I knew you could share.

    Worf: So you'll stop?

    Sisko: Oh, no. No. Not after I've seen his low hanging fruit in the locker room, if you know what I mean.

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    No I do not do the Cardassian neck trick in the bedroom. Isn't that right, Major?

    Believe me, he won't.

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    O'Brien: So I wonder how Ops is doing.

    Bashir: Are you quite sure we should have outsourced it to the Pakleds?

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    Sisko: Just keep at it and we'll get through this, people. We've got a lot of decks to cover.

    Worf: I do not believe a visual anion sweep has the same value. This is a false economy.

    Sisko: I have to tick the little box on my report saying it was performed.

    Kira: I don't care, I have the contract on the hazard cleanup crew that's going to mop up the biological waste after the station blows up.

    Sisko: I don't care what you do, Major, as long as my box is ticked.

    Dax: Anionanionanionanionanionanionanionanionanionanion.


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    Kira: Do you have the job ad for the station Intercultural Marketing Executive yet, Odo?

    Odo:
    Yes, Major, here it is:
    "Key Responsibilities:
    Work with interstellar research suppliers to design, coordinate, and execute research projects in the telematics area from inception to completion.

    • Analyze primary and secondary research data, competitor actions, monitor exo-societal/technical trends, and review research in the telematics, subspace, and LCARS applications areas
    • Report and present findings, and make insightful and actionable recommendations/strategies to interplanetary authorities
    • Conceptualize new business models to bring innovative telematics solutions to spacefaring organizations.
    • Identify market/cost advantages, determine feasibility, risks, and temporal anomalies.
    • Collaborate with engineers to translate research conclusions into actual telematics projects/products/Starfleet materiel and intelligent energy clouds.

    Space Requirements:


    • 1 – 2 years of experience in planetary research analysis needed
    • Bachelor degree in business focusing on market research, social science, statistics, exolinguistics or related field (advanced degree a plus) or Bachelor degree in Electrical or Mechanical Engineering with a MBA
    • Experience with a wide variety of qualitative and quantitative research techniques, and a fundamental understanding of advanced statistical concepts and astrogation
    • Knowledge of LCARS statistical software strongly preferred
    • Detail oriented with a strong work ethic and analytical thinking organ (preferably inside the body)
    • Strong report writing and universal translation skills
    • Ability to work well independently, within a team setting, and with artificial lifeforms.
    • MS Excel and PowerPoint skills required."
    Kira: No, this isn't for an onboard Federation marketing position. This is for the Pakled branch.

    Odo<deletes ad, taps some keys>: "Must flatter rich Federation Caucasians excessively, keep scorn for the Federation to yourself, and keep clothes on at work."

    Kira: I don't know, Odo.

    Odo: "Must flatter rich Federation Caucasians excessively."

    Kira: Now that's a qualified intercultural marketing executive!

    Odo: I look forward to deferring to his "worldview."