Do you believe there is someone for every person?

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous' started by Coloratura, Feb 12, 2013.

  1. Kestra

    Kestra Admiral Premium Member

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    So that's the "writing" that you've been doing, huh? :p

    In all seriousness, I know you've shared your story with me before but I still appreciate you being open enough to share it with everyone here. I can't imagine what it's like to lose a loved one like that.

    I'm dealing with being the third wheel nowadays which is so annoying because for so long my friends were single and I was with someone, and now I'm single and they're all coupled off. I still have faith in relationships, but having a cat is always an excellent plan as well.
     
  2. CorporalClegg

    CorporalClegg Admiral Admiral

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    Cats are always awesome to have around, except when they don't like you.
     
  3. mos6507

    mos6507 Fleet Captain Fleet Captain

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    "The art of recognizing the natural end of a relationship and discontinuing it without ill feelings toward the other is what makes a relationship ultimately successful in my opinion."

    An important insight!

    At the risk of sounding new-agey...

    It's important to look beyond "can I find someone" and even beyond "can I keep someone" and begin to accept a more holistic idea of love and relationships in which there are a series of alignments where people wind up naturally connecting, but the flipside is that there are matching disconnects as well. It goes so far beyond the language "oh, he was a jerk" that people love to use after breakups, which is so often a form of self-defense. You can still have warm feelings for someone, but come to the realization that, in the broader sense, it's not the right fit. It could be for someone else, but not for you.

    If you try to artificially force a connection to start or to keep one going when it's failing, you risk play-acting. It should not feel like you have to give up who you are, any of your beliefs, goals, or passions, in order to keep the other person satisfied. That's not love. When you start to feel like you're having to do a song-and-dance act, it's time to bow out as gracefully as possible, and that's what I just had to do.

    It's ultimately about control. There are benefits in having a relationship we all want, but in order to get it, there has to be mutual interest. And so there's a helplessness to that which we all need to submit to, and that vulnerability NEVER ENDS. Even in the most intimate moments in the sack, it never ends. Some time down the road that person who has filled your memory banks with words of loyalty and commitment can come to you and say she wants to break up or she found someone new. That's the price we all have to pay.

    There's a central part of us that might stay the same, but so much of what makes a person who they are changes day-by-day. I'm at an age now (42) where I look back on earlier stages in my life and I can see areas I can relate to, and others where I shake my head over the errors of my ways. It's easy to regret all your past relationships for the simple fact that they don't exist anymore, but they weren't all bad nor were they worthless.

    The pain that lingers the most is not missing the person so much as the amicability of the breakup. I can only speak for myself, but the final words exchanged are what lingers. Things like "I was over you months ago". Words which feel so dehumanizing. I really think even when you're the one doing the rejecting that there is a high road one must travel. Don't disregard the other person's humanity or dignity.

    If everyone did that, I think the world would be a better place.
     
  4. Kestra

    Kestra Admiral Premium Member

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    I think there's space in a relationship to give up a little of who you are and compromise on some things. I can't imagine anyone staying together otherwise. Adapting to the needs of another person is still love.
     
  5. Ulva

    Ulva Vice Admiral Admiral

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    No, definitely not!
    I prefer not to think about it, though I did for quite some time when my husband was diagnosed with cancer. Then I was mostly angry, because a healthy young man shouldn't have to face possible death by cancer, and of course, for very selfish reasons, because I wanted to keep him in my life, very much alive.

    When I was 20 my then boyfriend committed suicide. I always knew he was fragile, so even though I didn't expect it, it was in line with what could happen. I bawled for months, then I picked up the pieces and moved on, but a shrapnel of regret and grief will always be wedged in my heart.

    Though I think we can fit with many people if we make the effort, sometimes it happens, you meet someone who you can't imagine living without. Not because he/she is a missing piece in a puzzle, but because that person gives you a different perspective and is someone to share the good and bad with. I can live without my husband, but I prefer not to because he brightens my day and challenge me to think.
     
  6. CorporalClegg

    CorporalClegg Admiral Admiral

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    You just earned yourself a *HUGS!*
     
  7. Ulva

    Ulva Vice Admiral Admiral

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    Thanks. :)
     
  8. SmoothieX

    SmoothieX Vice Admiral Admiral

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    I talked to my ex-wife for an hour last night, and it was comforting about some stuff bothering me. I can attest to that statement.
     
  9. Jimi_James

    Jimi_James Lieutenant Commander Red Shirt

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    Well, to sort of tie in to your What are you working on Thread, I've recently realized how self destructive I've been in the past, granted nowhere near the levels of others with more severe problems, but still hindering my own growth and progress...so I'm working rectifying that and trying to moving on. No longer keeping everything bottled up and being honest with others as well as myself, particularly in sharing what I've hidden in the past, is part of that process. At least it's part of the process I've set up for myself.

    Whether or not it leads to eventually being able to handle an actually relationship with someone, I don't know. But I do know that I no longer want to feel down and sorry for myself when I see other couples together.


    Being the third wheel though is an odd thing, particularly when it's with a larger group of couples and particularly when the odd man/woman out, is single by choice. It creates some sort of weird social dynamic were the other couples are thrown off balance because of the one single person, regardless of the other people there. As I mentioned earlier, for me it's not weird...I'm not the one that has that feeling of being a third wheel unless I'm actually the third wheel with two other people and they've invited me along out of some sort of obligation or pity. The rest of the time, I just want to be around my friends. Any feelings of weirdness are on them, at least from my perspective. Maybe it is awkward for them. I don't know. Either way, I wish it didn't get in the way as much as it does. Stupid social etiquette.
     
  10. mos6507

    mos6507 Fleet Captain Fleet Captain

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    If you want to know what awkwardness really feels like--try being a single parent. Being single with no kids is not that tough in comparison. You'd think being a single dad would lead to Mr. Mom syndrome where all the women converge on you, but life is more complicated than that.
     
  11. Admiral Buzzkill

    Admiral Buzzkill Fleet Admiral Admiral

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    No, there's not. There are so many nonsensical assumptions contained in the OP's question that no affirmative answer can be justified.
     
  12. Coloratura

    Coloratura Snuggle Princess Premium Member

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    Really? That many? So many assumptions that you just can't create an affirmative answer that's justified?

    That's beyond your ken? What's happened to you, Dennis? You were better at this once.
     
  13. mos6507

    mos6507 Fleet Captain Fleet Captain

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    You know, a thread like this reflects someone sticking their neck out emotionally around a sensitive holiday when people feel lonely and are asking tough question. I don't think they deserve to have it cut-off. There's a way to make a point without being rude.
     
  14. Kestra

    Kestra Admiral Premium Member

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    I agree wholeheartedly. :)
     
  15. Ulva

    Ulva Vice Admiral Admiral

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  16. RJDonner&Blitzen

    RJDonner&Blitzen Idealistic Cynic and Canon Champion Premium Member

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    ^ * 1,000,000. :hugegrin:
     
  17. Gary7

    Gary7 Rear Admiral Rear Admiral

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    Some people choose not to... holding on the memory of their lost one living solitary to the end, perhaps as an act of faithfulness? I have no idea what it must be like, when you love somebody more than life itself and lose them. If that happened to me later in life, maybe in my 70's or later, I'd probably not go looking for another romantic companion but I wouldn't turn away from someone who I could fall in love with who happens to collide with my life path.
     
  18. Sector 7

    Sector 7 Vice Admiral Admiral

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    ^If God should choose to place someone else in my life, I hope I could give them as much love as they deserve. Honestly, I just don't know that I would ever love someone as much as I loved Tony. Am I missing out? Maybe, but that is my honest answer at this point.

    It has been 7+ years and I still don't think I could ever have that complete of a love again. It would be someone very special, kind and P.A.T.I.E.N.T. to put up with my hang ups about losing my true love. I am in my 50s, am I just too old to try again?
     
  19. Ulva

    Ulva Vice Admiral Admiral

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    I don't think it's too late at 50. However, I have noticed that as I grow older, the thought of starting over, if this relationship I'm in now fails or he dies, isn't all that attractive. I think that when you're younger you actively seek relationships at least partly because you are expected to, but now, I'd be fine not being in one. I can stand on my own two legs, manage my own life just fine. It would be a bit lonely at times (I know it is because I've been a single parent before, and that's not always easy), but there are many positive aspects of single life too. If I should start over it better be someone really damn special, because I'm over random relationships for the sake of relationships.
     
  20. mos6507

    mos6507 Fleet Captain Fleet Captain

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    "If I should start over it better be someone really damn special, because I'm over random relationships for the sake of relationships."

    And they better like Star Trek ;)