Angst-Ridden Dating Rant #17

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous' started by Kommander, Nov 5, 2013.

  1. mickmike

    mickmike Commander Red Shirt

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    I don't think people are saying that you are egotistical for not taking their advice. I think people are saying that you are egotistical and displaying a high degree of narcisissm for thinking that a guy who you don't know and who doesn't know you and may not be actually concerned with your existence if he does, is trying to prevent you from going out with his ex girlfriend. Who, by the way you haven't asked out yet.

    You have based this on a series of photos posted on facebook. In these photo's you have inferred from this guy's body language or something that he is possessive, potentially violent, and for some reason threatened by you.

    The issue doesn't have any basis in fact, it's a fiction you have concoted in your mind. I think quite a few people have provided solid advice regarding how to respond to this situation despite there not actually being a situation, but you've rejected that advice.

    I'm not sure what you want from the rest of us?
     
  2. Robert Maxwell

    Robert Maxwell so far this is a dumb future Premium Member

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    No way do I have time to respond to everything that's gone on in this thread, but I did want to comment on this.

    Although I see the point you are trying to make, the threesome example is terrible. It's like a straight man saying, "I had sex with a guy once, it was awful." Number one, it's absurdly reductive (turning a complex identity into a single sexual event), and secondly, it's someone commenting on an identity they don't share. It'd be like me pontificating on what it's like to be a lesbian, as if I have any Earthly idea beyond the accounts of friends and strangers. What you're talking about has nothing to do with experience. You seem to be assuming no one here has experience because they haven't spelled it out for you, otherwise you are invalidating their experiences because they don't paint the picture you want.

    Reading through this thread, you talked about being poly a few times, but being poly seems to have no bearing on what's going on here. As far as I can tell, you aren't involved with anyone right now, and your issues with the girl in question don't revolve around non-monogamy but the role of her ex in her life. I'm sure others here have been in that situation. Even I have, myself.

    You seem to be aware that your jealous overreactions are unwarranted, especially since you aren't even dating this woman. From what I read in your last post, it sounds like you want to get to the bottom of his behavior. Ultimately, that is not your problem nor your responsibility. If you want to make a go of it with the woman you like, do it. If her ex interferes, you have a few options:

    1. Ask her to talk to him and tell him to back off and leave you alone.
    2. Deal with the fact that this person is part of her life and you have to figure out how to navigate that.
    3. Don't be with her anymore.

    Which one is not an option? "Sit down with the guy and have a little chat." If you are at the point where he is actively interfering in your relationship, the last thing that's going to help is you having a talk about it with him. Either he's trying to break you up, in which case talking to him plays right into his hands--it gives him an opening to attack you directly--or you are totally imagining what's going on, in which case he's going to think you're insane and probably tell her you're insane and it's not going to work out well for anyone. Maybe it would be an option at some point in the future, if things are going well with her and he is still having issues with his new role in her life. Both of you could talk to him and find a way to be friends. But right now? No.

    Although there are situations where exes and new love interests can get along with each other, rarely does it work when it begins so adversarially. It requires everyone in the situation to be mature adults. So far, I'm not sure about the woman (don't know enough about her), but you and the ex (from what you've said of him) both fail that metric.

    You must also be aware that starting a thread to discuss these issues while using such dramatic, over-the-top language would give people a very strange (read: negative) impression of you, right? You said you'd like to think that effective communication might work, but what I've seen from you in this thread has not been very "effective." It's been hyperbolic, defensive, hostile, passive-aggressive, and pretty much anything but "effective." If your goal was to rile people up and come off as some kind of jealous nut, mission accomplished. If your goal was to have a reasonable discussion of jealousy, communication, and building relationships, that ship blew up on the launch pad.

    I don't think you're a bad guy. I think you're a bit too focused on your image rather than who you are, as a person. Instead of communicating honestly, you put on a show. I don't think that's beneficial to anyone, least of all yourself. You say you recognize your issues with jealous and possessiveness. Awareness is step one. What are you doing to change it? How are you planning to proceed with the woman you like, if you intend to proceed at all?

    If you want to discuss any of this, discuss it. Two pages of you going on the counterattack against people impugning your fashion sense and personality traits has been really tedious to read.
     
  3. Kommander

    Kommander Commodore Commodore

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    The guy has not done anything wrong and has not demonstrated himself to be a problem. However, what I have observed gives some indication that he may become one. Whether or not this particular guy is this particular way I have no way of determining at this point. As for my life in general, it's something I've dealt with before, somewhat poorly, and it is most likely something I will have to deal with again, and I'd like to be better at it. If this particular guy is not going to act on jealous, possessive urges, it won't be a problem. If he is, then I would like to be equipped to deal with the situation.

    I have inferred that these things are possible, not that they are likely to be true or assume them to be true.

    This is completely true and I've never said otherwise.

    People have distorted what I've said, exaggerated speculation into certainty, ignored any sense of context, and have told me that the way I have expressed myself in this thread is probably not how I should act all the time. There was never any possibility of that happening. They then when on to insist that, because I decided that what they said wasn't applicable, they insisted that the OP is an all-encompassing example of my complete persona and I'm therefore wrong about everything. If I actually acted the way people are insisting that I do, I would be in complete agreement.

    Really? I've specifically stated it several times. Of course, the parts that make me seem like a dipshit stand out the most.

    Yes, exactly. It was an extreme example meant to illustrate my point. It is experience, but it doesn't really apply to anything.

    If the experience isn't quantified and qualified, I have no way of knowing if its applicable.

    A good example is the people saying "just ask her out already." I can probably quantify this for myself. Most people hesitate because they're afraid of rejection, and then later regret that hesitation because they may have missed out on something. That's not why I'm doing it, and their experience doesn't apply.

    it doesn't.

    The issues involve past experiences. There are no issues with this particular girl, only the vague possibility of potential issues.

    My jealous overreactions are directed at this kind of thing in general. It was more of a "if this were to happen, then I would feel jealousy" kind of thing. It has not happened, so I have not. My posts have reflected thinking, not believing or doing.

    Only insofar as understanding the behavior so I can deal with it effectively.

    Yes, exactly. This thread was meant to be about exploring option #2 if #1 fails and I don't really like option #3. Instead it became about how I should already have this figured out and, because I don't, I'm a big dumb ass.

    None of this applies to right now. He's not a problem right now. I'm trying to prepare for it when it does happen again, either with this situation or others.

    When I attacked him, I made him the embodiment of my past experiences, I wasn't really attacking him. if I accused him of doing the things I thought he did, that would be different. I was thinking out loud, not actually confronting him or accepting my thoughts as facts. He has done little, if anything. If everything had actually happened, we'd have both failed.

    You seem to have no problem seeing this thread in it's proper context, I wonder why everyone else is having such trouble.

    I do that here. Usually it goes over pretty well. I'm a little more calm in reality.

    Usually when I experience jealousy or possessiveness I step back and ask myself what's triggering the feelings, and then try to address those issues. From what I understand, this is probably the best way to go about things.

    Yeah, this probably wasn't the best time to try to be entertaining. While I've been entertained, it clearly failed as a whole.
     
  4. Melakon

    Melakon Admiral Admiral

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    This makes me think you only started the thread because you wanted people to entertain you. You don't want anyone's advice at all it seems.
     
  5. sttngfan1701d

    sttngfan1701d Commodore Commodore

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    He's full of himself. He doesn't understand much of anything that anyone has posted here and it's clear that he doesn't want to.

    All well. Lesson learned. I'm done with these types of threads. I'm just glad I'm not one of his professors.
     
  6. mickmike

    mickmike Commander Red Shirt

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    i would take it on a thread by thread basis. Some people on here genuinely need or want help at times, others just want you to fuel their narcisissm.
     
  7. Kommander

    Kommander Commodore Commodore

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    This makes me think you only started the thread because you wanted people to entertain you. You don't want anyone's advice at all it seems.[/QUOTE]
    Oh, I definitely am an attention whore. However, it that was all that was, I have better ways of getting it, i.e.: every other post I've made that is outside this and other threads about dating.

    I listened to some people, many of them saying similar things to what you said. The difference was, they were less hostile.

    You will be missed.

    I am in 100% agreement with this.

    In this case, probably 20% narcissism, 15% attempted entertainment, 60% "I could use some input here," and 5% Teh Baba.

    Also, after my experiences earlier, I have decided to accept all criticism regarding the "stop hesitating and ask her out already" aspect of this thread.

    One of my bosses at a previous job had an "I passed the bar exam" party at this bar everyone from that place of employment goes to. It was an after-work thing, so everyone left by 10, except for me, because I was too drunk to drive home at that point. So, I got talking to random people, and then spent a good deal of time talking to a woman I found quite attractive. She dropped "I'm single" into the conversation three or four times, and I understood why. However, when she was ready to leave, said bye to me, waited about 30 seconds, and then said bye to me again, rather than asking for her phone number like any reasonable person would, I instead said "bye." Now I'll never see her again.

    What makes it worse is that I had a very similar conversation with a different woman I also found very attractive earlier in the evening. I did manage to exchange numbers with that woman, but 50% failure is still failure.

    So yes, hesitation is bad and I will freely take shit for it.
     
  8. sttngfan1701d

    sttngfan1701d Commodore Commodore

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    Hostile? Dude, you are the very definition of passive aggressive. That, combined with your ego and the way you project your insecurities on others and this dating situation of yours, and all your "I already know this" and "I already acknowledged that" and "I wasn't really hating on the guy I was just being humorous" and "Experience is meaningless"....that's your real problem. Smokescreens. Pseudo-intellectual doubletalk. It's all one big excuse.

    Friendly advice was met with derision, dismissiveness, and hostility. Not just me, but others. So I called you on your ego. Hostile? It was my attempt to get you to see that YOU are creating most of these problems in your social life YOURSELF with your behavior and the WAY you interact with people.

    Hesitation is the least of your problems. If you start to change yourself and how you interact, and stop thinking that everything and everyone is a threat, or full of shit if they present an idea contrary to yours, then you might find some more success in your social endeavors.

    People have been where you are. Stop acting so angsty.

    And no, this is not me being "hostile" because you aren't listening to my "sage" advice. This is me calling you on your own bullshit so you can start doing something about it. Not threatening. Not attacking. Just telling you from experience.

    Unless you think it's meaningless. In which case....ah well. You'll figure it out eventually.
     
  9. publiusr

    publiusr Rear Admiral Rear Admiral

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    I'm lucky I suppose. My lady friend says she loves me--she just can't stand me.

    You know how some folks have been married too long, are separated, but meet just every once in awhile to catch up, have a little fun, then go back to their own lives? Our relationship kinda started that way. She's been married twice and got mis-used twice--and I'm not a romantic--but we are comfortable.

    There is an old saying about never dating your co-workers...fah! ONLY date your co-workers. When you work hard for years, and are stable and trustworthy--it counts elsewhere.

    I don't take myself seriously. She was kinda dating a guy who I thought was odd, but that didn't last because she is very busy--and is a momma's girl. You learn to let things go.

    Love hatred--each feels new to the person feeling them..but it has all been done--and it is best to have driving interests that can out-live any relationship..politics work, space advocacy...This may seem cold, and folks can say we ar not what we do--but a sense of mastery also helps in relationships so that one doesn't feel wanting.
     
  10. Collingwood Nick

    Collingwood Nick Vice Admiral Admiral

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    Oh jeez. I remember when I used to do these sorts of threads. 'It was meant to be entertaining'. Yep, sure was...
     
  11. Mr Awe

    Mr Awe Vice Admiral Admiral

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    I've presented my take on the issue. I think Kommander has a good clear view of the situation, but now it's time to act.

    I agree with the old saying, recognizing the problem is half the battle. You just need to take that next step, and that's the big stumbling block at this point.

    My sense is that all of this humming and hawing, debating, etc, is really an attempt to change the subject rather than making the necessary changes in his life.

    As for the fedora, well, I think people should wear what they want. Each person should choose their own style. It's true that some styles will put others off, but as long as he is aware of that, no problem. As far as I'm concerned, the fedora is a non-issue in this discussion.

    Mr Awe
     
  12. Fruitcake

    Fruitcake Fleet Admiral Admiral

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    You say that now but what if it was a Fez?
     
  13. MacLeod

    MacLeod Admiral Admiral

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    To quote the Doctor "Fezzes are cool", but at the end of the day I'' echo what Mr. Awe said and say I think you should dress in a style you feel comfortable wearing. Not everyone suits a particular style.

    If someone wants to change their style great so long as it is something they want to do, rather than what they feel they need to do to impress others.
     
  14. Fruitcake

    Fruitcake Fleet Admiral Admiral

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    I think we all agree people should wear what they want. It was Kommander's demand that we all agree he looked good in the fedora that people reacted to. Wear what you want, but don't expect everyone to like it.
     
  15. Melakon

    Melakon Admiral Admiral

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    Unless it's a fat guy in a Speedo.
     
  16. Fruitcake

    Fruitcake Fleet Admiral Admiral

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    I don't care. They should wear what they want too.
     
  17. JarodRussell

    JarodRussell Vice Admiral Admiral

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    And everyone else should have the right to state his opinion about it. :p


    Relating this to dating... you can either hope to win the lottery, or increase your chances by going with the current trends. As Homer Simpson said: some are just not popular enough to be different.
     
  18. Fruitcake

    Fruitcake Fleet Admiral Admiral

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    Especially when the person asks you to!

    Excellent quote :lol:

    Such wisdom!
     
  19. Rincewiend

    Rincewiend Vice Admiral Admiral

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    Hmm, not the right style of fedora for your head...
    Might have been good when you where a bit heavier, but you might want to look at fedoras with different brims and fabrics...
    And get a suit that fits, lose the shine shirts but go with regular striped ones, the classic look as it where...
    But also try other hats and ask other people their opinion on how it suits you...
     
  20. Collingwood Nick

    Collingwood Nick Vice Admiral Admiral

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    I disagree with the people getting stuck into Kommander's style. I like that combination. It's not something you see everyday (certainly not in the cultural backwater that is Canberra) and it's got a certain classiness about it.

    But don't look at me for fashion. I know nuffink!