Angst-Ridden Dating Rant #17

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous' started by Kommander, Nov 5, 2013.

  1. Kommander

    Kommander Commodore Commodore

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    Since I joined here, my weight has fluctuated by about 30lbs. I don't really intentionally gain or lose weight, but my lifestyle fluctuates. When I am active I tend to eat less and lose weight. When I'm not-so-active I eat more and gain weight. That picture was taken at the lower end of my weight fluctuations. Currently I'm about 15-20lbs heavier, and am currently in an active, eating less, losing weight cycle.

    There's a difference between finding reasons that I can't change and finding reasons why I can't change immediately. I can change, and I am, but it's a process.

    It's more so there's less of a chance of them seeing me as inferior to them, but I see your point. I disagree with your point, but I see it. Thinking that I'm superior or inferior to anyone doesn't make any sense to me. Compared to any random person I'm likely better in some ways and worse in others. There's really no objective criteria with which to judge the absolute value of a person.

    To those bitching about my defensive replies, phrase your criticisms like this and I won't.

    Kind of like you're doing now?

    This makes the assumption that the boyfriend/girlfriend dynamic is the only human relationship that contains substance. My friend's ex-girlfriend didn't particularly like me when they were dating, and did her best to separate me from him. I told her to fuck off. Should I have just deferred to her wishes because they had been dating for a little less than a year and that's clearly a superior relationship to my decade-long friendship? Considering they broke up a month later, I think I was right to stand my ground. Dating someone does not give one the right to dictate how they interact with others. That needs to be agreed upon and consented to. Even if it's a girl I just met, if she wants to talk to me but her boyfriend doesn't want her talking to me, the boyfriend can go fuck himself.

    As I mentioned, I have a history of being a target of abuse. The first thing abusers typically do is try to convince the target that everyone is against them. Make of this observation what you will.

    No one agreed with me, huh? I seem to recall Robert Maxwell agreeing with me on at least some points. That's some concrete evince that you are wrong.

    Subjective opinions with no basis for credibility. If Holdfast said these things I'd take them into consideration. He knows how to dress the fuck out of himself and I'm aware of it. I have no idea how you or others that have commented dress, therefore your opinions have no credibility at this point. Post some pictures of yourself dressed in clothing so I can get a perception of your tastes and I may reconsider.

    Also, where did you get the idea I was going for mainstream appeal? I'm a musician, and my appearance is designed to attract attention. It works. I get plenty of compliments on my sense of style. As for my facial hair, if by "tiny geek subset" you mean half the musicians I know, then you are absolutely correct. I notice you didn't say anything about the eyeliner. Maybe you didn't notice it. Now that I pointed it out are you going to criticize me for being genderqueer too? I fucking dare you.

    You choose hostility over diplomacy, knowing that it'll prompt me to respond defensively, and then preemptively mock me for it. If you had any intention of establishing credibility with me, being manipulative is probably the worst possible way to go about it.

    And back to the appeal to popularity.
     
  2. Scout101

    Scout101 Admiral Admiral

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    Whatever, dude. You've established the same pattern in basically every thread, sorry you don't see that. And don't pretend I did something magical you upset you, you've come out swinging, again, in the many threads on very similar issues. For all the credit you want for being self-aware, you either can't see or refuse to awknowledge some pretty obvious points. If you know what your deal is, and you totally get what's going on with these girls, how come you keep ending up here telling us you misread things or acted innapropriately?

    If you can't see any of these issues after multiple people pointing them out, in multiple threads, it's your own problem. Then again, since you enjoy the drama, I'm not sure if you're really complaining, or just sharing to feed your ego...

    Not interested in attacking your army of strawmen, other than to say it's an amazing link to now see that I'm bashing gender-identity now :lol:
     
  3. Kommander

    Kommander Commodore Commodore

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    Yeah, don't actually address anything I said and just repeat yourself. Now who's seeking out others that they can feel superior to?

    Interspersed between my valid points such as establishing credibility and your misunderstanding of the word "everyone" were ad hominims. Also, pointing out logical fallacies is not a cheat code for refuting arguments. They aren't invalid arguments, they're weak, easy to refute arguments. Actually refuting them only takes slightly more effort than pointing them out. I only pointed out the appeal to popularity because I already refuted it once.

    Here's something else about being a victim of abuse: They tend to be mistrustful of those who make positive comments and equate negativity with honesty. They justify the abuse they endure as honesty and what they deserve and see positivity as hyperbolic. Many, when they try to break free of the abuse, simply flip the perception; only acknowledge positive reinforcement and dismiss anything negative. Sometimes abusers point this out, the target realizes they're right, and falls right back in, or just dismisses it and becomes a cunt. To actually recover from abuse, one has to learn to evaluate criticism and learn the difference between valid criticism and bullshit, and the difference between persuasion and manipulation. I agreed with some of the points made by others in this thread, even some of the hostile ones. Your posts had no substance other than being hostile toward me, so this tells me I'd be wise to not take any of it into consideration. Sure, you could be right in that many people disagreeing with me is a good indicator that I'm wrong, but it could also be that these threads are full of insecure people that see attacking me as a chance to act superior. Considering that you seem to think addressing the valid points I made is beneath you, and in one of the other threads my primary critic was a fucking pick-up artist, and that so many people criticized my fucking appearance at length, and there were few if any attempts to establish credibility, I'm leaning toward insecure lashing out. Seriously, the bullshit about my taste in hats was just fucking stupid.

    Also, I didn't equate what you said with bashing gender identity, I challenged you to do it, and you didn't take the bait. Now who's being manipulative? Oh wait, I am. Shit.
     
    Last edited: Nov 7, 2013
  4. sttngfan1701d

    sttngfan1701d Commodore Commodore

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    That's the sense I get too, and I haven't even seen the other threads.

    Describe convoluted case, solicit opinions, systematically disagree with everything people say, get argumentative, continue making excuses as to why his specific mindset prevents him from asking out this girl, when all he's really interested in is enjoying his own drama and hiding behind it by projecting onto others.

    Kommander, if you're not gonna follow anyone's advice, what's the point of this? And Scout101 is right re: the fedora and the facial hair. You look fairly ridiculous. Now, I'm sure that makes me a judgmental asshole or whatever in your mind, but look at it for what it is....unless you find a girl who dresses "trad" herself or appreciates your quirks, or get a group of friends that have similar quirks, you're going to be viewed as a little "off."

    And you're doing yourself no favors by being antagonistic to everything. Jumping to conclusions via Facebook photos and people you haven't met. At this point, talk to the girl. Ask her out. But unless you change the way you behave or think about other people, the side of you that you've shown in this thread will come out and I guarantee you she won't like you.

    Your ego is huge. You need to work on that.
     
  5. Melakon

    Melakon Admiral Admiral

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    Okay, some of this is making sense to me now. I know from my own experience that artists can be obsessive, thin-skinned when it comes to criticism, and "odd", and they hate being called out on it. Has expressing some of your doubts about relationships through your music helped at all?
     
  6. Kommander

    Kommander Commodore Commodore

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    "It's advice, not binding arbitration." -Dan Savage

    I thought some people might have some insightful things to say, and some people did. I acknowledged it whet it happened. What, asking other people for opinions means I have to give up free will and my sense of judgement? That doesn't make any fucking sense whatsoever.

    Jesus Tittyfucking Christ again with the shallow fucking bullshit! There are plenty of things to give me shit about in this thread without resorting to this kind of stupid bullshit.

    Asked and answered.

    Really? I thought I was standing up for myself. Huh. You're right, I shall humble myself by posting hostile, unsubstantiated replies in advice threads and get all irate when the OP doesn't follow my advice 100% to the letter. I'll also be sure to place heavy emphasis on criticizing their appearance and wardrobe because that's really fucking important. :rolleyes:
     
  7. Kommander

    Kommander Commodore Commodore

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    I'll definitely give you "odd." Obsessive, kind of. As has been established, I like to analyze the hell out of everything. As far as criticism goes, I love constructive criticism. Other types are kind of pointless. "Oh, you thought it sucked? Doesn't really help me in not sucking. Why do you think it sucked. Oh, because I'm a dick? Thanks for the input. Have a nice day." As for being called out on it, it depends on the situation. How do you think I did here? (This post specificly, not the whole thread.)

    Right now I'm focusing on covers. Singing feels good in general so it helps with all kinds of things. Also if I identify with the song it helps me to sing it like I mean it.
     
  8. Melakon

    Melakon Admiral Admiral

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    On that post, fine, and I think you're calming down on some of the others. I was never pro or semi-pro with art, but I used to act, play keyboard, draw, paint, and now mostly focus on 3d imagery. And I once moderated a forum site full of artists, and they would always leap to fray if someone criticized their work. ;)

    Worst mistake I ever made was selling all my synthesizers. I should have kept one, as I wish I had something to play on.
     
  9. Kommander

    Kommander Commodore Commodore

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    I decided the hyperbolic angry tone wasn't coming across as I intended. My debate skills are getting a workout though. As for the responses, even the comments on the YouTube video I made on this topic were more civil and reasonable.

    (I didn't actually make a video, calm down everyone.)

    As critical as I am of my own creative works (I write fiction too), there's not much one could say that is anywhere neat as bad as my own thoughts. As far as music goes, I actually don't like the sound of my own voice and it's rare that I think I sounded okay. I pretty much have to rely on others for feedback.
     
  10. sttngfan1701d

    sttngfan1701d Commodore Commodore

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    No, it means that if you have a problem in your life, and in this case a problem that you FREELY ADMIT keeps coming up, to the point that you air our your thoughts repeatedly and solicit advice....that maybe, just maybe, you need to get over yourself. I've never seen any of your posts before this thread but it's now clear to me that you are an ego-driven, antagonistic person that projects on other people in order to make yourself feel better about your own issues. You want to tell everyone that you're so self-aware that you've already come to every conclusion they offer, but you don't want to go the extra step and try to CHANGE things so you can change your situation. And you do it by antagonizing people and being overly defensive. So, really, how self aware is that?

    Everyone has issues in college. Yours aren't uncommon. Neither is your background, which you've elaborated on. But NOTHING will change unless you get the hell over yourself. Because this side of you WILL sabotage your relationships going forward and eat you alive from the inside. But yeah....what do I know? I guess you should ruminate on it forever before making a decision on what to do. And while you're doing that, these same issues with dating and your social life will come up again and again.

    And as for the criticisms of your wardrobe...okay, maybe that's shallow of people. But let me just say that, just by the way you REACT to such criticism, it doesn't matter what you wear. Even if someone really doesn't care about your style choices and wants to get to know you as a person, and makes an innocuous joke about your fedora or something, your bitter, vitriolic personality that comes out when you perceive that you're under attack is enough to make them think twice about your character. So what's worse...someone being shallow or someone whose skin is so thin that they lash out at everything, real and imagined, just so they can keep wallowing in their own quagmire of issues?

    Look, you've demonstrated in this thread that you're smart. You have what you need to change. All you need is to be smart enough to realize it and stop lashing out. Otherwise, this shit is just going to come up again and again.
     
  11. mickmike

    mickmike Commander Red Shirt

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    So you asked the girl out? What did she say?
     
  12. JarodRussell

    JarodRussell Vice Admiral Admiral

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    Kommander shows a thinking pattern that I had when I was, like, 12 or 14 and in love and jealous the first couple of times. Making assumptions about situations I knew nothing about. Everyone else just wanted her and it was a big conspiracy against me. And I thought I'd knew it all because I already made all these experiences, and you know, I figured it all out. I also was the deep thinker, the analyzer. And I knew I was da shiznit. And I would beat the shit out of those guys if I got the chance. I also never took any advice on my style.

    Dude, believe me, you are wrong. About everything. Accept that, then take a lot of steps back, take a lot of deep breaths, and then look again at the bigger picture. Oh and lose that Fedora. And the beard. And if you have to wear a suit, then get one that fits. Seriously.

    All of this is you just crushing on her and nothing more, right? You are not remotely close to being together at any point of this story, are you? And not only do you think you know what's going in inside their heads or what happened when you weren't there, you also think you have the right to judge them, and to make assumptions about them. And of course you think it's all directed at you.

    Seriously, this is silly and you are wrong, believe it.
     
    Last edited: Nov 8, 2013
  13. Melakon

    Melakon Admiral Admiral

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    ^ You know how it is when you're in your twenties. Anyone giving you advice because they've already been there, automatically doesn't know what he's talking about. :shifty:

    It's like Mark Twain (supposedly) said: "When I was 17, I thought my father was the stupidest man I'd ever known. When I was 21, I was amazed how much the old fool had learned in 4 years." (paraphrased)
     
  14. mickmike

    mickmike Commander Red Shirt

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    I'm having images of Kommander going nuts picard style over the fedora comments

    everyone: Kommander! Just blow up the damn fedora!

    Kommander: No! Nooooooooooo! *smashes display case full of fedora's*
     
  15. teacake

    teacake Fleet Admiral Admiral

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  16. JarodRussell

    JarodRussell Vice Admiral Admiral

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    Sometimes I wonder about these... items some people pick up. Here it's a Fedora. For my brother it was one of these cowboy dustcoats and boots for sometime. Until he finally realized how ridiculous he looked in it. Is it because you create an inner image of yourself, thinking you look like Clint Eastwood, and that makes you feel more comfortable? Wasn't there a thread once about a guy who dressed in a Starfleet uniform all the time because it made him feel more secure or something?
     
  17. Melakon

    Melakon Admiral Admiral

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    I've not been here long enough to know the answer to that I think. Though in 1996, during the Clinton/Whitewater trial, there was an alternate juror who showed up in full uniform.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Star_Trek_fandom#Whitewater_jury
     
  18. teacake

    teacake Fleet Admiral Admiral

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    Yeah I think that may be who Jarod is thinking of.

    And I want to be clear that has nothing to do with the fedora, in my mind anyway. To everyone I would say "wear what you like" but don't expect everyone agree with you about how it looks.
     
    Last edited: Nov 8, 2013
  19. Scout101

    Scout101 Admiral Admiral

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    The fedora only came up because HE mentioned it a couple times, and how he thought he looked great in it. He showed a picture to mock someone he thought looked bad in it, and then a picture of him "pulling it off". Except not so much. We're shallow for not agreeing with him, however.
     
  20. Kommander

    Kommander Commodore Commodore

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    So you're basing your opinion of me on a small, unrepresentative sample size and filling in the rest with your past experiences with others. This is precisely what I did originally. The difference is, I acknowledged that there was a good chance I was not perceiving the situation properly. There's also the whole "I'm being hyperbolic and satirical to make this entertaining" thing most people seem to be overlooking. That probably wouldn't have been a good thing to do if i was really desperate for good advice. However, some people had some good things to say, and this thread is all kind of entertaining. I hope others are having fun too.

    I'm the only person in this thread who has acknowledged that I'm wrong about things. The comments about my ego have come from those who can't seem to handle it that some dipshit on the internet doesn't think of their posts as sage-like advice that should be followed to the letter. Yes, I'm the one who is being egotistical and projecting. :rolleyes:

    Yes, I should just listen to anyone that insists that they know what they're talking about, because being hostile and making declarative statements are the marks of a good, reasonable argument. Seriously, reading some of these posts I feel like I'm watching Fox News.

    Ruminating forever and being instantly decisive are not the only two options. Yes, I think things through. A lot of times, I end up making the right decision, or at least making the wrong decision.

    Essentially, the question I asked in the OP is how to deal with possessive, confrontational men when interacting with women. What I gathered is that if this kind of behavior gains favor with the girl I'm probably better off backing away from the situation. Otherwise, the behavior will probably piss her off and isn't a problem. I thought it possible there were other options. Maybe there are, maybe there aren't. Being polyamorous, I'd like to think that effective communication may work. If I can sit down with the guy and discuss why he's feeling jealous and possessive, something may come of it. Usually that's not possible, but sometimes it is.

    In order to attempt it, I have to understand why men act like this. I really don't understand why people act this way simply because someone else wants to interact with the object of their affection. So I began searching for a way to identify with them, and I found it: when someone is actively trying to prevent me from interacting with someone else.

    Many people accused me of being the very same jealous, possessive guy that I'm complaining about. That's understandable. In trying to understand these men, I drew parallels between their behavior and my own emotions. I got angry, jealous, and possessive and discovered that, yes, I do understand their motivations. The next time I find myself confronted by one of these men, whether in my current situation or elsewhere, I now stand a better chance of solving the problem if I can get the other guy or guys to sit down and talk.

    Considering the way people have responded to the criticisms I've made about their posts in this thread, I've demonstrated that I take criticism very well.

    I honestly don't give a shit if people don't like the way I dress. Unlike some people in this thread, I understand that not everything I say or do is going to be universally liked or accepted. My primary criticism is that people seemed to think it was important. A lot of people like the way I dress and comment on it in my daily life. Some people don't like it, and also comment. Not a big deal really. Usually their funny about it.

    They're the same really.

    No, I've demonstrated that I'm intelligent. If I was smart I would use that intelligence to make good decisions.

    Yes, I'm aware that some people don't like it when I stand up for myself. Not standing up for myself is what caused the problems, it's not the solution.

    I meant that the issue had already been addressed. I have not asked her out, which I've also already addressed.

    Experience is meaningless. People learn the wrong lessons from experience all the time. Saying "I have experience" as the sole support for an argument is even more meaningless.

    In order for it to mean anything, one has to demonstrate that their experience was meaningful. I see this all the time with non-monogamy. Someone comes along and says "I had a threesome once and things turned out horribly" and infer from this that all people who choose non-monogamy are doomed to repeated failure, completely dismissing that lots of people are successful with various forms of non-monogamy, and that strictly monogamous relationships fail all the time as well. I listen to people that establish credibility.

    Sounds like something I'd enjoy doing.

    I mentioned it once, only insofar as it exists, before people started giving me shit about it.

    I never said great.

    No, you're shallow for making a big fucking deal about it like it's some indicator of how shitty a person I am. I'm surprised no one's making as big a deal about the handful of typos I've made. I guess that demonstrates that you people aren't completely petty.